


To Build a Home

by DoneWithIt



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alpha Lexa (The 100), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Caretaker Raven, Commander Mechanic, Eventual fluff and smut, F/F, Girl Penis Lexa, Injured Lexa (The 100), Lexa and Raven sitting on a tree, Lexaven, Needed to put my Lexaven feels somewhere, Omega Raven, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2020-02-21
Packaged: 2020-03-06 04:26:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 148,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18843622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoneWithIt/pseuds/DoneWithIt
Summary: After bleeding all over Raven, Commander Lexa kom Trikru sends her a package full of clothes to replace the ones she damaged. Raven sends her back a thank you letter, and before she knows it she finds herself exchanging letters with the Commander regularly. Secretly, they both keep answering the letters out of fear of seeming impolite.Deep down, they both love it.or,The one where Commander Lexa and Raven Reyes fall in love among letters, radio conversations, late night hook ups and med bay visits.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! This work is for all the Lexaven shippers out there, but particularly for all of those who wanted Build me a Happy Ending to be Lexaven. The stories are still very different, but I still did my best to keep some characteristics form Build me a Happy Ending in this work. This work is still very much character driven, so if you are looking for a work with one hell of plot and world building, this might not be the work for you. There is some world building, but the characters, their growth and their relationships are still the most important part of this story.
> 
> I have 150 pages of this work already written, but I wont post it all at once because I am doing some editing and I am adding things here and there.
> 
> I really hope you enjoy and let me know what you think in the comments.
> 
> Also, Clarke exists in this story, but she doesn't hold much relevance, not in what I have written so far at least.

Raven had been there as the Commander made her proposal, she was there as the most powerful woman around offered them a chance to join the Coalition, to become the 13th clan, be one with the rest of the grounders, share their resources and have a place in the political discussions that would affect them in the long run.                    

Raven was also there to see Clarke’s face through all of it. The mechanic could see the strain in her face as she tried so hard to hide her emotions, her anger, her fury at the betrayal. Raven knew that if the Commander had come with that same proposal 3 months before leaving them at the bottom of the Mountain things would be different, they would jump at the chance to be part of the Coalition, but now they just looked at her with distrust, with wariness, most of all, with hate. Raven had more than the Mountain to hate her for, and still, her logical mind knew that turning down such an opportunity would be foolish. Raven also knew there must have been something else behind the Commander’s offer, the grounders were behind in technology, yes, but they didn’t need it for survival, the Skaikru had weapons to offer them, guns, explosives, and now missiles, but the grounders didn’t want to use them, so that only left them with medical knowledge to offer. It would take years before Abby’s knowledge really made a difference, years before she could train the Commander’s healers, years before Skaikru’s real importance was really shown. So, why did Lexa want them in her Coalition? Raven didn’t know and that only made her anxious.

She looked at Lexa, in all her Commander regalia except for the war paint, her eyes were clear of emotion, they were tired, and Raven had no way of knowing if they were being honest or not, she just couldn’t tell with someone so emotionless, but she didn’t need to stare at her too long to know she was immensely intelligent. Raven had heard things, mostly from her time spent with Lincoln and Octavia, some stories came from the Skaikru girl, acquired from her time with Indra, some others came from Lincoln himself. They all portrayed Lexa as this immovable force, as this Goddess with power so immense she had forced 12 different nations into peace. Grounder history had been divided in two, a time before Lexa, and time after. Raven knew then that she was dealing with no ordinary person, after all, the way Lincoln spoke about the Commander hardly sounded like a human description.

Raven was there until the end of the Commander’s speech, she was there as Clarke asked for a moment with her alone, and she stayed there, listening by the door as the Council room was emptied with only the two other women inside.

“Why are you here?” Clarke said, her voice barely hiding her anger.

“I am here to offer your people the opportunity to-” The Commander was harshly cut off by Clarke’s hand as it connected with the side of her face.

The echo of the slap resounded in Raven’s ears and she grimaced at the silence that followed.

“Do not lie to me, not again, I made the mistake of trusting you once and I won’t do so again. What do you want with my people?” Clarke asked again.

“I understand your distrust Clarke, but my intentions are true, I-”

There was another slap and Raven wondered why the Commander was just taking it, was just letting Clarke hurt her like that.

“Your intentions mean nothing to me; you mean nothing to me. I do not believe you and no one should. You have no honor; you are nothing but a disgusting coward.”

“If my actions ever betray my intentions, I will face execution,” Lexa said, her voice calm and composed like she hadn’t been abused just seconds before. “With Skaikru being part of the Coalition I wouldn’t be able to betray you even if the opportunity was presented to me, you would have the right to kill me and there wouldn’t be consequences.”

“I have wanted to do nothing but kill you for the past 2 months, so please, after we become the 13th clan, give me a reason to,” Clarke said, her voice a hiss of hate and anger.

“I am sorry, Clarke, I never meant to turn you into this,” Lexa said, her words and her voice oddly soft.

Moments later Clarke was leaving the room in a rush.

Raven watched as the Commander brushed her thumb under her bleeding lip, wiping the blood away and then fixing her coat and sash.

Raven moved away from the door, hiding in a corner and moments later she heard the Commander’s soft steps as they moved away from the Council room, Raven took a peek at her back, she was walking like absolutely nothing had happened.

And again, Raven wondered why someone with so much power had allowed just a girl to treat her that way.

……………………………….

At the end of the day they accepted the Commander’s offer, there was a feast, the Trikru provided the food, and the meat, real meat cooked expertly and the Skaikru, only used to bland tastes were filled with happiness and content. Some of the Trikru brought instruments, Monty took out his moonshine and in a couple of hours there were drunk Skaikru and Trikru people alike dancing around a big fire.

Raven couldn’t stand the taste of it so she dumped her drink on the grass and looked up at the woman sitting on the throne, back straight, eyes glowing brightly with the light of the fire, holding the same glass of moonshine Monty had shyly offered hours ago. Raven stared at her profile, the thin nose, the high cheeks, the small ears, and the diamond-sharp jawline, Raven looked at the Commander’s face from top to bottom until she reached her eyes, eyes that unsurprisingly were locked on Clarke.

The blonde didn’t deny a drink, didn’t deny bed partners either, she would take anything to forget the Mountain, anything. And so, she was standing by the fire, dancing with another grounder omega, someone Raven saw often. The woman was the owner of a trading spot and Clarke had befriended her during her self-imposed exile, she came when she could and she would often wake up on Clarke’s bed.

Raven watched as the Commander looked at them, looked as Clarke kissed this other woman, a kiss that was all teeth and tongue, she stared at the Commander as she took in Clarke being touched by someone else, as she threw her hair back and soft lips sucked on her neck. Raven watched the Commander as she finally brought the glass to her lips and took a sip, her blank expression didn’t change, not even with the disgusting drink that had just made its way down her throat, and Raven couldn’t hold herself back from walking towards her.

Raven sat on the high platform where the Commander’s throne was located and the alpha didn’t bother to look at her, she just raised her glass to acknowledge her presence.

“Is she the reason why you offered us a place in the Coalition?” Raven asked and only then the Commander turned to look at her, green eyes met brown, earth on earth.

“The Ice Nation has taken an especial interest on her, they have put a bounty on her head, and unless you belong to the Coalition I have no real reason to stop their advances, if they do kill her I am sure your people would seek revenge and I would have to back the Ice Nation because they are part of my Coalition, so my people would be facing a war once again, that is not what I desire for them,” Lexa said, and Raven was once again reminded of her intelligence, of how far she could see ahead, a visionary, she remembered Kane saying and she couldn’t help but agree.

“Must get tiring, to think about every possible consequence to every single action you take, and to those you don’t,” Raven said and the Commander looked away, her eyes back on Clarke.

“It is my duty, and I have nothing else to worry about.”

“You know, you could have just told me that you cared about her and didn’t want to see her dead, would have worked, too,” Raven said, and Lexa turned to look at her with a blank expression. Raven dared her with her eyes to deny, but the Commander didn’t say anything else.

“Thank you, for protecting her, I don’t care what your reasons are as long as she is safe, she is my friend,” Raven said and Lexa nodded.

“If you will excuse me, Raven, I have some things to take care of before the night is over.” The Commander said, not waiting for a response before she stood up to walk away.

Raven frowned at the Commander’s sudden departure and looked ahead, at the fire, at the people dancing around it.

She saw 2 figures pressed against a tree, it was dark and no one would really notice them if they weren’t paying attention, but Raven was clear-minded and under the moonlight, Clarke’s blonde hair was hard to miss.

It was also hard to not notice how the grounder’s hand disappeared below Clarke’s waistline.

Raven grimaced, wondering just how much the Commander cared about the blonde.

…………………

The next time Raven saw Lexa, the Commander was dead, almost.

She had been by the gates, watching the heavy rainfall from her secure place under one of the watchtowers. She wasn’t supposed to be there, but she liked to watch the rain fall without the huge gates getting in the way. That’s why she saw them first.

There was a cart, pulled by 3 horses, Indra had her hands on the reins and with her binoculars, Raven saw the panic in her face. Indra hardly showed emotion, so that face could only mean one thing.

Raven took the radio hanging from Miller’s belt.

“Abby, are you there? We have grounders coming, Indra looks distressed, must be the Commander.”

“I’m on my way,” Abby said, and Raven knew she would be by the gates as soon as she could with a stretcher.

“Tell them to open the gates,” Raven told Miller, the guy did as told and so the cart was able to go past the gates with no trouble.

Raven went down the watchtower’s stairs and waited by the back of the cart, Indra quickly came to meet her and banged the doors so the people inside would open the cart.

“Where is your healer?” the warrior asked, both of them getting soaked in the rain.

“She’s coming, how bad is it?” Raven asked, just as the cart was opened. “Holy shit,” Raven said, gasping.

Lexa was sitting on the cart, three other grounders with her, 2 of them were keeping her in a sitting position, while another kept the sword impaled on her side steady, so it wouldn’t move and so it wouldn’t kill her. The sight was gruesome to Raven, the blade went in through Lexa’s front and out through the back, the hilt of it pressed to Lexa’s ribs, the blade dripping black from her back.

“We would have let her die already, but we thought maybe your healer could do something, our warriors do not usually survive wounds like this, but Heda is strong,” Indra said, and Raven could only stare at Lexa in shock, she could only watch as she fought to breathe with a sword stuck in her insides.

Abby came just then, some of her new apprentices pushing the stretcher behind her. The doctor looked inside the cart and Raven saw her face go pale, a moment later she was making her way inside.

Raven watched as she checked Lexa’s pulse, as she flashed a light into her eyes and touched around the sword.

“Commanders die… under the trees…. Chancellor…” Lexa mumbled with difficulty, a cough wracked her body and a spray of black blood stained Abby’s white coat. The grounders did what they could to keep her steady, but her chest heaved with the force of the cough, making the sword move, injure her further, tearing her apart. “Just let me… let me die… und-under… th-the trees.”

“You are not dying today.” Abby snapped, turning sharply to look at Raven.

“Get on the stretcher,” Abby ordered and Raven could do nothing but do as she had been told, she climbed on the stretcher and waited, it took some time to get Lexa out of the cart, but at last the 2 grounders were able to pick her up in a sitting position and lift her, Abby holding the sword in place.

“She can’t hold herself up,” Abby said, as the two grounders placed Lexa sideways between Raven’s legs, the Commander’s side pressed to the mechanic’s front, Abby sat right in front of her, on the Commander’s other side to keep the sword from moving as Indra and even some of Arkadia’s guards pushed the stretcher towards the infirmary.

Somewhere along the way, Lexa’s head dropped limply forwards and Abby looked up alarmed, her hands grabbing onto Lexa’s wrist, checking for a pulse.

“Is she dead?”

“No,” Abby said, not yet, she meant. Raven nodded and gently grabbed Lexa’s head so it would rest on her shoulder. They made it to the infirmary and Abby kicked everyone out except for her apprentices and Jackson.

“There’s no way it missed the spleen, with all the swelling we can be sure as soon as I take it out it will bleed a lot. Jackson, bring everything we need for an emergency splenectomy, Jane bring all the O- you can find, she will need blood, lots of it.” Abby said as she started cutting off Lexa’s clothes.

She ended up bare, aside from her bloody chest bindings, pressed against Raven’s chest who was still keeping her in a sitting position. Abby told one of her apprentices to hold the sword steady as she cleaned up the wound site as best as she could with alcohol, then she snapped off her gloves and put on new ones.

“Everyone ready?” Abby asked and everyone around her nodded, she looked around before grabbing hold of the hilt of the sword.

“Wait, wait!” Raven called, “shouldn’t you put her under first?” Raven said, she could hear Lexa softly mumbling in her ear, one of her hands clenching and unclenching around the fabric of her jacket.

Abby seemed surprised to hear she was conscious.

“I will pull the sword now Lexa, it is going to hurt, but you are going to be okay, just stay with me,” Abby said as she slowly but surely started pulling the sword out.

Lexa’s body tensed instantly; her forehead pressed hotly against Raven’s neck as her breathing grew ragged, quiet moans of pain escaping past her lips.

“I know it hurts Lexa, but try not to move, I am almost done,” Abby said, pulling the sword free at last, a river of blood started flowing out of Lexa’s wound, drenching her abdomen and Raven’s hands. Abby and Jackson rushed to cover the wound to try and control the bleeding, but it was to no avail, the monitors connected to Lexa started blaring and Raven felt Lexa’s tense muscles suddenly relax. “Raven get off, now!”

Abby snapped and the mechanic scrambled out of the stretcher without thinking it twice, Lexa was laid down on a bed, her body limp, eyes lazily open and staring at nothing.

Raven stood there, watching as Jackson sedated Lexa and then intubated her, shoving a tube down her throat and then securing it before he set up a blood bag and attached it to Lexa’s arm.

Raven was kicked out a little later when Abby was reminded of her presence once she opened Lexa up and heard the mechanic gasp.

Raven went straight to her room, drenched in black blood, her shirt, jacket, and pants ruined, completely stained, she took them off, threw them to the floor and then got in the shower, watching the blackness go slowly down the drain.

All she could see when she closed her eyes was Lexa, sword buried in her side. All she could hear was Lexa’s voice, asking Abby to let her go, to let her die under the trees.

Raven lay in bed, eyes wide open, her brain jumbled and messy, trying not to sleep and failing.

She dreamt of black blood and agony.

Later she realized they were one and the same.

……………………….

A week came and went, Lexa was still in Arkadia, intubated, a machine breathing for her keeping her alive.

“How did you know she would accept our blood?” Raven asked as Abby continued to check on the Commander, the doctor was leaning over Lexa, shining light into her eyes, checking for pupillary response.

“I didn’t,” Abby said, and Raven looked up, she had been staring at a long-jagged scar on Lexa’s forearm, wondering how it had gotten there.  “She lost too much blood, would have died without a transfusion, if her body rejected the blood then she would have died either way. All the people with Nightblood are in Polis, she couldn’t wait that long.”

Abby opened the front of Lexa’s hospital gown and Raven could only stare at the massive cut Abby had made vertically right in the middle of her abdomen, right under the sternum and past the belly button. The wounds where the sword had gone in and out were also covered, carefully stitched, Raven watched as Abby cleaned them all.

“Why isn’t she awake yet?” Raven asked watching Abby’s shoulders tense, the doctor looked around and lowered her voice.

“She slipped,” Abby whispered and Raven’s eyes widened.

“Like into a coma?!” Raven said and Abby glared at her.

“Lower your voice, Raven.”

“Why the hell are you keeping it a secret? Why is she in a coma to begin with?”

“She went into cardiac arrest during surgery, the brain needs a lot of oxygen to keep itself working accordingly, it took some time to get her back, the oxygen deprivation must be the cause of this,” Abby said. “I can’t tell the grounders that she may never wake up if I do, they will execute her,” Abby said, frowning deeply and lowering her head. “I should have let her go during surgery.”

“What are you talking about?” Raven asked, trying to put down her concern.

“The man standing by the door, Titus, he is the protector of the Commander spirit, he makes sure it passes to its next vessel. He asks me constantly why the Commander hasn’t woken up and when will she do so, he says that I am only prolonging her suffering and trapping the spirit. He said the Commander has until next week to wake up, if she doesn’t, he said I must unplug her.” Abby said, covering Lexa’s injuries carefully, closing her gown and then tugging the blankets up so they covered the Commander’s shoulders.

“That’s bullshit!” Raven said, outraged.

“Those are their beliefs, and their leadership system is based on it, we can do nothing to stop them if that happens,” Abby said, looking down at Lexa with dark eyes before squeezing Raven’s shoulder and leaving the room.

Raven looked down at Lexa, she had come to visit every day, which allowed her to notice that no one else did, she wondered then if the Commander had a family, if she did they were complete assholes, Raven preferred to think so, no one, not even the Commander deserved to be so alone. Raven thought that maybe that’s why she always visited, because everyone had someone, except her, except the Commander.

A week and a half passed, Titus deadline was just around the corner and the Commander was still unconscious.

“Raven…” Lexa choked out and the Mechanic’s eyes snapped up to look at her face. Lexa’s eyes were hazy, half open, staring at the Mechanic.

“Hey, Commander, how are you feeling?” grabbing her radio and paging Abby before the other woman could respond.

“Raven…” The Commander repeated, her eyes fluttering closed and then taking a long time to open. Raven looked at her worriedly.

“Yes, I am here,” Raven said, as the Commander stared up at her. “Are you in pain?”

“Hurts.” She said, clutching her eyes shut, Raven wondered what was taking Abby so long.

“That happens when you lose one of your organs, but you are going to be fine, okay?” Raven said and the Commander’s head tilted down in a nod.

“Okay.”

……………………………………..

Eventually, Titus realized the Commander wouldn’t die and went back to Polis, Raven continued visiting, she had taken to help Abby get the Commander back on her feet, take her on small walks, first around the infirmary, then around Arkadia, then around the grounds outside. It took the Commander time, and Raven could feel the frustration pouring out of her.

“You are doing lots better; you should stop brooding,” Raven said as the Commander took a small break leaning against a tree.

“Why are you helping me?” Lexa asked, and Raven was surprised, her conversations with the Commander consisted mostly of monologues, Lexa accepted her help, but she wasn’t much of a talker, Raven wasn’t surprised.

“Seems like no one else is available to do it,” Raven said shrugging. “Your family didn’t come to visit.”

“I don’t have a family,” Lexa said and Raven nodded respectfully, she had figured out as much.

“Me neither.”

“I am sorry, Raven.” The Commander said, and the honesty in her eyes surprised the Mechanic.

“Are you sorry for yourself, too?”

“No, Commanders don’t have families, but people like you do, and they should, makes them happy,” Lexa said.

“You ordered the execution of the last family I had,” Raven said, her tone bitter, Lexa looked up at her, face blank.

“I know.”

“Do you even care?” Raven asked, glaring at the Commander, while the other woman simply looked back at her, a hand in her sensitive abdomen, beads of sweat trailing down her temple from exertion.

“He was a murderer and my people deserved justice; however, I do care that it pains you,” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes widened just slightly in surprise.

“There are other ways to enforce justice.”

“Not in that situation,” Lexa said, and Raven saw in her face that she really needed to sit down. “When you killed 300 of my warriors, I didn’t seek revenge, they died in battle, that happens, your people were provoked, they were defending themselves, and it is only human to fight back, to fight to live. When Finn killed 18 members of one of my villages, elders, children, he hadn’t been provoked, we weren’t at war, he just shot them to death with no valid reason, that act had no justification, there is no way to understand it, it was just mindless murder.” Lexa said slowly and Raven knew each and every word was nothing but the truth. “I couldn’t let that go unpunished Raven, and I understand if you hate me for it, however, you must know that I did not take pleasure in his death, and I do not take pleasure in the pain it caused you.”

Raven nodded and slowly walked Lexa back to camp, not saying anything else.

Days later Lexa went back to Polis and Raven was left alone.

…………..

Raven’s day was good, perfect, as routinary as it could possibly be in Arkadia, but then the radio attached at her hip came to life.

“Raven, can you please come to the gate.” Miller’s annoyed voice echoed in the air around her. Raven frowned.

“Why? Is it malfunctioning again?” Raven asked, the gate had been giving them some issues lately and that was something to worry about, if they were attacked, they needed that gate to open and close when they needed it to.

“Nothing like that, some grounder came with a package for you, she refuses to leave it with us and says she was told she could only give it to you,” Miller said and Raven’s frown only deepened, who would send her a package?

“A package? Who would send me anything? There must be some kind of mistake.”

“Believe me, we already went through this with the woman. She says she has a package for Raven Reyes Kom Skaikru, the box she brought even has your initials carved on it.” Miller said and Raven finally stood up from the bench she was sitting on.

“Okay, I am on my way.”

When Raven made it to the gates, she found Miller and Bellamy standing by with two gonas, one of them was holding a wooden chest and refused to give it to Bellamy or Miller, who were asking them to open the chest so they could see inside of it.

“This chest will be opened only by the one called Raven Reyes, no other will touch it. Heda’s orders.” The gona said just as Raven got close enough.

“Heda’s orders? The Commander sent this?” Raven asked, even more, surprised as she glanced from the chest to the gona’s face.

“You are Raven Reyes.” The woman said with doubt in her voice, the gona next to her, a man, pulled a piece of parchment from his pocket and gave it to the woman who upon seeing it nodded and took a step closer to Raven. “Heda sends this for you, I will carry it for you to your quarters.”

“But why did the Commander send this?” Raven asked and the woman just looked back at her intensely, her head tilting to the side slightly as if she found the question stupid.

“I do not question Heda, I deliver things for her.”

“Okay,” Raven said, trying not to annoy the woman further and feeling excitement fill her inside, she was dying of curiosity to know what was in the box. Raven took a step forward to take the chest from the woman’s hands, but she didn’t let her take it.

“I will carry it for you inside. Heda’s orders.” The gona said and Raven knew she wouldn't budge, so she didn’t bother and started her walk back to Arkadia.

Once they made it to her room Rave told the gona to put the chest on her desk and the woman then walked back towards the door.

“I shall stay until you see what’s inside and determine if you are satisfied or not.”

“Okay,” Raven said, closing the door and trying not to think about how weird everything was.

She walked towards the desk and took her time to take in the beautiful carving on the top of the box, two birds were flying, wings spread, they came from the sides and stopped on the middle of the box, barely an inch separating them before touching. Below them and towards the edge of the box were Raven's initials. The carvings looked perfect, beautifully done, whoever had done it had taken some time in it and Raven imagined there must be good artists at the Capital.

The first thing Raven saw when she opened the chest was a letter folded neatly over some red cloth.

Raven took it gently and opened it, eager to read it.

_Raven,_

_I am sure you must find this unusual, but my intention is only to replace something of yours I damaged. As you know, during my last visit at Arkadia I was injured and you, along with Abby’s team of healers, helped me recover. I remember you held me in the gurney while Abby treated me and I know the bleeding must have ruined your clothes. With the pieces I sent you I intend to replace the damaged ones and thank you for your help, I know aiding the injured is not part of your duties._

_Send word if the clothing I sent is not to your liking, or does not fit so it can be replaced._

_Farewell,_

_Commander Lexa Kom Trikru._

 

Raven’s eyebrows jumped straight to her hairline, of all the things Raven expected of the Commander, receiving gifts from her wasn’t one of them. Another thing she didn’t expect was for the Commander to have such nice handwriting, the letters were small, they were connected together closely and delicately, the cursive seemed somehow elegant and just the slightest bit sharp.

She put the letter on the desk, thinking about going back to it later when she unwrapped the red cloth and pulled out a dark chocolate colored leather jacket, the color was rich and the smell of leather instantly flooded her nostrils, she picked it up and ran her hand over the fabric that lined the inside, her eyes widening as she felt the softness of it, she had never touched anything as soft or smooth, the quality of it was like nothing she had ever seen before. She put it on and only then did she notice the bird carved over the top right sleeve, over the part that covered her shoulder, an obvious representative of her name. Then she noticed that on the left side her initials were carved. Only out of sheer curiosity Raven glanced at the letter again checking how the Commander had written the capital r on her name and then checking the wooden chest and the jacket. It was the same r, meaning that the Commander had carved the box and engraved the jacket herself, or at least had gotten someone to reproduce her handwriting on the box and the jacket.

Raven didn’t think she could be more surprised than when she got the chest in the first place, but every little detail was just pushing her into a higher level of shock, those details spoke of care and dedication, of careful thought, things that Raven thought the Commander wasn’t capable of.

It was so comfortable, too, heavy and soft and smooth, so very warm, Raven had never had any piece of clothing that could compare.

Without even taking it off Raven reached inside the box again, taking out two long sleeved shirts, one was completely black and the other was a dark grey color, again, the fabric was super soft and thicker than all of Raven’s almost see-through shirts with use. Raven didn’t remember when she had last gotten new clothes.

She tried them on to see if they fit and then reached inside the box again. A pair of tan pants were inside. Raven held them in front of herself and regarded the many pockets with a grin on her face, she loved pants with pockets, they came in handy with the amount of stuff she usually carried around. Finally, came the last item from the chest, a pair of dark-colored boots, they were the same shade of brown as the jacket and felt just the slightest bit heavy, they seemed to be very sturdy and just by looking at them Raven knew that they would keep her feet warm and that they would last many years.

Raven was a little worried about the size, though. How would the Commander know what size she was? Raven put on the boots just to make sure and was surprised to find that they were a perfect fit, very comfortable, too.

Raven was shocked, to say the least, and moved back to the door, the grounder woman was standing there, patiently waiting.

“Are you satisfied?” The woman asked and Raven nodded at once.

“Yes, I am. I was only wondering if I could send something back to the Commander.”

“A piece didn’t fit?”

“No, not at all. I just want to send back a thank you note.” Raven said and the woman looked at her silently for a few seconds before nodding.

Raven walked back inside her room and grabbed a piece of paper, sitting at her desk before she started to write.

_Commander Lexa,_

_Saying that this was unusual is a complete understatement, this was completely unexpected. Thanks for the clothes though, they are great and all, but there was no need to send them, it’s not like you ruined my clothes on purpose, you were injured and I decided to help, that’s not on you. Still, I appreciate them all the same, I didn’t have anything of this quality. The jacket is definitely my favorite, looks really cool and I love the color and the pockets. I know it is not part of my duty to help the injured, but somehow I got wrapped up helping you, maybe because I was by the gates when they brought you in, everything happened really fast and after having you bleed all over me the least I could do was make sure you did make it, had to make the ruined jacket worth it, you know? Also, everything is not about duty, I could help, so I did, would do the same for anyone._

_Anyway, thank you for the clothes, those boots look super cool, too. How did you know my size, though? I am starting to think you might have spies within Arkadia._

_Raven._

The omega signed the letter and walked towards the door, folding it neatly and giving it to the grounder woman, who gave her a sharp nod and left.

…………………….

Unexpected things only continued to happen when the Commander send a letter in response to the one Raven sent.

The omega was sitting with Octavia on the grass outside when the same grounder woman as before was let inside. Miller knew that the woman wouldn’t give anything to him merely pointed in Raven’s direction and let her through.

Raven saw her coming and stood up, meeting her halfway.

“From Heda.” The woman said and Raven nodded, taking the newest piece of parchment.

Raven held it in her hand for a second, not really knowing what to feel about it. She really hadn’t expected the Commander to answer back, she just thought her thank you note would be it.

“Shall I wait for I response?” The woman asked her, wanting to know if she could leave or not.

Raven didn’t answer right away. Would it be an offense to the Commander to simply not say anything back to her? Better not risk it.

“Yeah, I will try to be quick.”

“No need, Heda said I shall wait for as long as you need me to.” The woman said and Raven nodded back to her, going back to Octavia and telling her she needed to get back to her room.

“What was that, Rae?” Octavia asked and Raven lifted her hand so she could see the letter.

“A letter from the Commander, I sent her a thank you note after a package she sent me a few days ago.”

“Why did she sent you that package, to begin with?” Octavia asked, completely weirded out.

“Because she bled all over me and ruined my clothes, she felt like she owed me to replace them.”

Octavia hummed and shrugged her shoulders, finding the situation very odd and not knowing what to say.

Raven walked back to her room and sat at her desk, unfolding the piece of parchment gently.

_Raven,_

_The concept of doing something just because you can is foreign to me, everything I do is about my duty, all my actions surround it and I am not allowed to do things outside of it. My life is my duty, but I can understand that things do not work like this for everyone. I still greatly appreciate your help during my recovery, I realize I might have not been the easiest person to deal with and I know that after everything that has happened I am not someone you would be happy to help, but you still did so, and keeping in mind the decisions I have had to make in the past I find your help even more valuable._

_I am pleased to hear the clothes were to your liking and worry not, I do not have spies within Arkadia, I simply asked Marcus to help me with your size, I do not know how exactly he got to obtain your measurements, but he eventually was able to give them to me._

_Farewell,_

_Commander Lexa Kom Trikru._

 

Raven frowned slightly as she read the first part of the letter, the Commander was saying that she basically didn’t have anything outside her duty, in Raven’s head that was simply not okay, and at the same time that helped her understand the Commander’s reasoning and actions.

_Commander Lexa,_

_I truly want to believe that there’s more to your life than your duty to your people, I mean, there’s so much more to life than just your obligations as Commander. Aren’t there things you do just because you enjoy them? just because they make you feel good? I really think there’s more to you than your duty, I am sure you are not obligated to send gifts to someone who offered you help, I want to believe that this was not some kind of protocol and that it was something you just wanted to do to say thank you, even though it truly wasn’t necessary, I helped because I wanted to and that is it._

_Now, you weren’t a bad patient, you were just too eager to get back to work and your body just wasn’t ready, you could have hurt yourself, I am sure if it weren’t for Abby and me, you would have gone back to your regular activities as soon as you woke up and you would have messed up your wound. You were really quiet too, but I don’t think that had much to do with your injury, I have never really seen you talk much, so maybe that’s just who you are. The only problematic thing was your refusal of pain medication, you insisted on not taking any and I am kind of glad Abby ignored you, you were ran through with a sword… I am not a doctor, but I am sure you wouldn’t have survived that without the meds._

_Not sure I believe the spy thing, I think it would be stupid to not have eyes and ears in all the clans, but I guess I have no choice but to take your word. I really hope Marcus didn’t snoop around my clothes, that would just be weird._

_How is the injury feeling? Hasn’t been that long since you left, weren’t you supposed to come back for a checkup with Abby?_

_Raven._

She never knew how to end the letters, she figured she had to be polite, because she was speaking to the Commander of the 12 clans, now 13, with the only person that could basically order an execution just because they wanted to, but at the same time she wasn’t sure if maybe the Commander was answering her letters to be polite as well, like what if she wouldn’t stop answering until Raven stopped sending letters back to her? Raven wasn’t sure, but she knew she couldn’t risk insulting the Commander in some way by not responding the letters, so she folded the piece of paper up and gave it to the gona waiting outside. The gona only offered her a curt nod in response before leaving.

……………………….

Four days later the Omega was woken up by a knock on her door, she got out of bed, stumbling slightly after having forgotten her brace and opening the door to find the same gona that always delivered the letters.

“I think you should tell me your name,” Raven said, not knowing how to refer to the woman.

“No.” She said, with a blank expression, offering Raven the letter. The omega took it without a word, feeling slightly amused by the other woman, and went back inside her room. She laid down on her bed and opened up the letter.

 

_Raven,_

_There are things I’d like to do only for my personal joy, but there is no time to spare for those things, as Heda there are always things I need to take care of and I am afraid I cannot neglect my duty out of selfishness. My people need me and as Commander, they are the only thing I shall care for. Sending you the clothes was not part of any protocol, I just wanted to do something for you after I damaged your clothing, it might not have been my intention to damage them, but it happened and I could not leave it like that. Getting the clothes was no trouble for me, I am pleased you enjoyed them._

_My refusal of pain medication did not come out of a place of stubbornness. As Commander I am supposed to be strong always, my people could have seen my prolonged use of pain medication as a sign of weakness, that is why when our healers treat me, I am only allowed minimum amounts of pain medication, they offer nowhere near the relief the Skaikru medication gave me. It is known that if my people were to find out of my state of near sedation for most of my stay in Arkadia I could face some problems as I wouldn’t want to put Abby in a precarious position by saying she gave me the medication against my will. I know she was only trying to offer me the best possible care. My people would not see it that way._

_The wound is healing well, it feels sensitive and slightly painful when I do certain movements, I need to go back to training soon, so whatever pain it may be causing me will have to be ignored. I did have a scheduled appointment with Doctor Griffin, however, right now I can’t afford the time to make the trip to Arkadia._

_I would like to let you know that I have invited the leaders of Skaikru to a celebration that will be held in the capital when the next moon comes. I’d like to extend the said invitation to you and whoever you might want to bring alongside you. Do not feel obligated to come, I only mention this because I believe important that our people join under better circumstances than war. Perhaps this way you might see that there is more to us than violence._

_Farewell,_

_Commander Lexa Kom Trikru._

 

Raven frowned at most of the letter, not because the Commander had offended her with anything she had said, but because she seemed to have a very shitty life back at Polis. She couldn’t do the things she enjoyed to do, she couldn’t take pain medication because she would be seen as weak, and she couldn’t really take care of herself because that didn’t seem to matter enough, Raven had always thought of her as heartless but how could she look like normal person if her life didn’t really belong to herself?

 

_Commander Lexa,_

_I do not mean to be offensive, but that sounds like a pretty shitty way to live. I truly believe we need to enjoy ourselves and have good times from time to time to keep ourselves sane, I mean, we need to have something we enjoy to look forward to, if we don’t then how are we supposed to get up in the morning? I know I can’t really understand your position because my life is nothing like yours and I really don’t want to sound like I am giving you orders, or anything like that, but I really think you should find the time to try and do a little something for yourself, just an opinion, though._

_Now, you will have to forgive me, but the pain medication thing is completely idiotic. You are a human being, injuries can kill you, medication can save you, that’s it. Not hard to understand at all. The fact that your healers make you suffer on purpose just to prove your strength is just completely awful. You won’t have to go through that if you are ever treated here again and I mean, no one would tell your people about it, and even if they did found out we can tell them that that’s Skaikru law, and it is the truth, Abby would have never allowed you to handle the pain on your own with an injury like that, you would have died for sure. I think strength comes from other places, like knowing when to ask for help, or being able to admit that you are wrong without shame. I just think that for being the most important person around you are treated pretty poorly._

_The training thing doesn’t sound great given your condition, I understand that you might not have the time to come here, but I am sure you could speak to Abby and have her go to Polis instead, I mean, she is our Chancellor, but there is always Marcus to stand for her if she leaves for a few days._

_I will be there and I will try to have my friends come as well, what is the celebration about?_

_-Raven._

 

Raven read over the letter a couple of times, hoping she wasn’t being impolite and after deeming it good enough folded it up and walked back towards her door, where the gona was waiting like usual. She gave her the letter and watched her walk away, the woman barely saying anything at all in farewell.

…………………………….

Before Raven knew it exchanging letters with the Commander became a part of her life. She would send a letter, it would get to Polis two days later and then after another two days, she would receive one back.

“Thanks,” Raven said to the woman who delivered the letters, who still refused to share her name.

Raven sat on the bench at her workshop and opened the letter.

 

_Raven,_

_I wouldn’t say my way of life is “shitty”, it is merely the way of life of a Commander. My way of life allows my people to have good peaceful lives, the time I dedicate to my duty allows the Coalition to remain steady, strong, makes the chances of war or confrontation smaller. Imagine if I turned away, just for a moment to allow myself some joy, and something happened... The blame would be on me, and once lives are lost there is no way to retrieve them._

_My life may not be the most joyous, but why would that matter when faced against the joy of the many?_

_I do agree that strength is not only physical, there are many other ways to show strength that do not include someone’s ability to withstand pain, but the ways of my people are deeply rooted, especially those regarding my position. I am sometimes able to move around them, but most of the time there’s very little I can do to appease them. Pain is not something I enjoy, but if I must endure it for my people to believe in me, then I will._

_I would not like to make Doctor Griffin come here when I know she will have to make the trip for the celebrations of Ascension Day, I believe she will be able to do the checkup then, I have been feeling fairly well, so I see no need to have her make the trip. I’ll be sure to have her check my wound once she comes for the celebration._

_During Ascension Day we celebrate the day I became Heda. Commander’s tend to live short lives, but thanks to the fact that Doctor Griffin was able to keep me alive last time I was injured I will be becoming the longest reigning Commander. The celebration is for the people, keeping the same Commander means that they get to have a sense of stability, even if the death of a Commander is handled quickly because there are the Nightbloods ready to fill my place, the shift of powers can still be very upsetting for some of my people._

_It is good to hear you will be coming, I am sure you will enjoy Polis, as far as I know, it will be a completely new experience for you._

_Farewell,_

_Commander Lexa Kom Trikru._

 

Raven frowned slightly towards the beginning to the letter and then was surprised over the end. Longest reigning Commander? How could that be? The Commander couldn’t be much older than her, maybe a year or two, so how long had she been Commander? Raven couldn’t stop herself from being curious.

 

_Commander Lexa,_

_I feel like the ways of your people could get you killed, I imagine Commander’s in the past have died because some healer refused to give them pain medication so they would prove their strength, that could happen to you. I know I can’t and I shouldn’t do your job or tell you how to do it, but maybe it would be a good idea for some of your people’s ways to change, after all, everyone, including you, should get the best medical care available._

_And I know why you would be unsure about turning away from your duty even for a couple of minutes, as you say you never know when a total mess will blow up in your face, but I also think that living like that can become tiring, exhausting. I think life needs joy and that that feeling can drive us forwards, give us energy, make everything better. Everyone needs to stop and take a breath sometimes, now that things are calmer among the clans maybe you could take a moment to yourself._

_I know I can’t think like a leader because I am not one, and I do find very selfless that you are so willing to give up your own joy for your people’s, I just also think that your joy should matter, too._

_I think it is unwise that you didn’t get checked when you needed to, that wound was awful and needed a lot of care, I would have been very upset if something had gone wrong and my favorite jacket had gotten ruined for nothing. (That’s a joke, by the way, I meant no disrespect.)_

_You are the longest reigning Commander? That’s really impressive, how long has it been exactly since you took command? I mean you can’t be much older than me and people our age had never taken places of command until we kind of were forced to by being here on our own. The death of a Commander is handled quickly? I would have never guessed that I would assume that there would be some kind of ceremony or mourning for the past Commander, do they just brush it off and find a new one?_

_I am sure I will enjoy Polis as well, it will be cool to be in a real city, how is Polis like? I mean, I know it is your city and you must be proud of it, but what do you most like about it?_

_Can’t wait to be there._

_-Raven._

……………………………

A few days before they were meant to leave for Polis, Raven received another of the Commander’s letters, she was sitting with Octavia and Harper in the dining hall when the usual gona came towards her table and offered the letter.

“Thanks,” Raven said, as usual, not bothering to try to get the woman’s name. “Can you wait a bit until I finish this?” Raven asked, pointing to her food. The woman looked at her like she was an idiot and Raven was amused by it, she already knew that she had been ordered to wait for as long as necessary.

“Yes.” She said, her tone cutting. “Heda’s orders.”

“You are still getting letters from the Commander?” Octavia asked, her eyebrows arched high in surprise.

“You are getting letters from the Commander?” Harper asked, her expression full of shock as she took the letter from Raven’s hands. Instantly the gona had a knife out and pointed towards Harper.

“Hey, hey, it's fine. She is not going to read it!” Raven said, taking back the letter. “Relax.”

“Shit,” Harper whispered under her breath, her heart racing.

“Sorry, only I am supposed to read them. Heda’s orders.” Raven said.

“But why are you getting them to begin with?” Harper asked as she avoided looking in the gona’s direction, the woman was still sending daggers at her with her eyes.

“Raven helped Abby out last time the Commander was here injured, the Heda bled all over Raven, ruined her clothes and the Commander sent a package with replacements and a letter, Raven responded and I thought that was it, but apparently they continued with the letters,” Octavia said, sounding slightly confused towards the end.

“I just assumed it would be impolite of me to not say thank you for the package and I do not want to be tied to a tree and cut once again, so I figured better be safe than sorry and write her back, but then she answered and I didn’t want to be impolite by not answering it and the same cycle has been repeating itself till now,” Raven said, holding the letter with one hand as she scooped a bit of food with her spoon and put it in her mouth.

“It’s been like almost two months now.” Octavia pointed out, almost at the same time as Harper intervened.

“So that’s where the sweet jacket came from.”

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool, isn’t it?” Raven said as she ran a hand over the bird that resided over her shoulder.

“Rae,” Octavia said pointedly. “It’s been almost two months.”

“I know, but what can I do, I don’t want to be the one to stop answering back, what if she gets offended by it or who knows what?”

“What if she is also answering to be polite? I mean, I’m sure she has better stuff to do than exchange letters with you.” Octavia said and Raven rolled her eyes.

“She throws people off her tower, she is not worried about being polite,” Raven said and Harper almost spat out her drink.

“She what?” Her comment went ignored as Raven stood from the table.

“Look, I am going to go answer this, I will see you later guys.”

Raven got to her room, took off her jacket and laid down on her bed, making sure she was comfortable before opening the letter.

_Raven,_

_I agree with you, everyone should have access to the best medical care available and in this specific aspect, there need to be some changes in my people’s way of thinking. However, those changes can only be made with time, maybe the involvement of your people, your rules and your ways of healing will help with that._

_Yes, things are calmer now, but there are certain threats that have not being placated yet. I must be very focused, now more than ever, it is said that the calm comes before the storm, maybe that is where we are now, merely awaiting the tempest. As Commander, I must make sure we are ready so any kind of joy for me will have to wait. I will keep in mind your suggestion, though. Reading your past letter was an odd experience, no one has ever shown much concern about my joy. I don’t mean to imply that you are concerned by it, I just mean that no one has ever said that it matters at all, not for a long time. I hadn’t thought of it either._

_I took no offense with the joke, I actually appreciated it, not many dare to do that with me. I must say reading it was refreshing, as is your manner of speech. Expressions like “total mess” or “blow up in your face” are very unfamiliar, but also quite amusing to me. And that is not something I find myself often feeling. So, thank you for that as well, Raven Kom Skaikru._

_I took command almost six years ago, I must have been 12 or 13 summers old, now I am either 18 or 19, I am not quite sure. Yes, the death of a Commander must be handled quickly, I wouldn’t say they “brush it off”, it is imperative for the throne not to remain empty for too long, anyone could take advantage of the absence of a Commander to disrupt the peace. Once I die the Conclave will be called immediately and the preparations for it will be made, at the same time my body will go to a purification ritual before being placed in the Eternal Flame. With how close Arkadia is to Polis, I believe your people will be able to see it, dark red smoke will rise up into the sky, letting the other Clans know of my passing, they will light Flames of their own, so the Clans farther away may also know. The next Commander would be chosen a day or two later, depending on how long the Conclave lasts._

_You make a hard question. I must say my favorite part of Polis is the clearing where the children play. Before, it was too dangerous for parents to let their children out without supervision, but now children wander around the marketplace and play together safe of any danger. Seeing them reminds me of how things have changed and how I have played a part in that. They are happy and full of energy; it is a wonder to see them. I can only hope to build a world in which only those who desire it will become soldiers, and not where every single able-bodied person will have to fight in our armies._

_Farewell,_

_Commander Lexa Kom Trikru._

 

Raven couldn’t believe what she was seeing, it couldn’t be true, it just couldn’t. The Commander was younger than her. Younger. It just couldn’t be. And why the hell wasn’t she sure about her age? At best Raven was only ahead of her for a year, at worst she would be ahead for two, she had just turned 20 a few months ago. And what the hell?! Taking command at age 12, or 13. Raven didn’t even know what to feel, sadness? rage? They forced twelve-year-olds to kill each other to see who would get the throne. That was just barbaric and disgusting.

Raven sat in her bed, trying to will her heart to beat in a regular rhythm. They forced kids to kill each other and then the put the weight of the world in their shoulders. Raven didn’t know what to think.

At the same time, it all made sense. The Commander’s cold demeanor, her ruthlessness, she hadn’t had time to grow up, to figure out what she liked or what she wanted, she hadn’t had time to become a person. She had been bred to become a leader and a protector for her people and nothing else. Who had loved her when she was growing up? Raven at least had Finn and Mister Sinclair, but who did the Commander have if she had been trained from such a young age? Thinking about it only made her stomach revolt.

Raven let out a shaky breath, she couldn’t help but feel that she was seeing the Commander, her behavior and the decisions she made under a new light.

She gathered her thoughts and sat at her desk to respond to the letter.

 

_Commander Lexa,_

_I think you are right, maybe with our place in the Coalition and with Abby being a Doctor and our leader things like that can be changed. She would never agree to not give someone the medication they need._

_That makes it sound like you are always waiting for something to go terribly wrong, that doesn’t sound like the best way to live. It seems pretty stressful to me, or is there something going on that makes you think that something will go wrong soon? Of course, you don’t need to answer that if maybe it’s some top-secret Coalition thing._

_I’m glad you are not offended by my jokes or the way I talk, I didn’t mean to seem rude. Must be really boring in Polis if no one dares to joke around with you._

_I would have never expected you to say that you were that young when you became Commander, it’s truly shocking, you were just a child, you should have been playing and learning new things and building the life you wanted. I honestly don’t even know what to think._

_You played a part in that? That’s the biggest understatement I have ever heard, from what I have gathered you are the Commander that brought peace, I know things aren’t perfect right now, but as far as I know, this is the most peaceful the ground has ever been and that means something._

_I can’t help but feel like you are not too sure about when your birthday is, is that true? You don’t know when you were born? I really hope you do know; I happen to think birthdays are a big deal._

_We will be leaving for Polis soon, so see you there, Heda._

_-Raven._

 

…………………………

Even from far away Raven could see the tower, her jaw basically dropped as she took in how tall and massive it was. The very top covered by clouds that barely allowed her to see the yellow and orange flames that came from it.

The gates were opened for them and from inside the Rover Raven could see the people walking around, children running and chasing each other with wooden swords and masks, stalls everywhere offering products for trade. There was music also, consisting mostly of percussion sounds and maybe some strings, the singing was loud and lively, filling the air with energy.

The Commander received them at the bottom of her tower and Raven watched as Abby and Marcus politely congratulated her.

“How long has it been, Commander?” Marcus asked.

“Six summers now, Marcus,” Lexa said, her shoulders squared, her posture perfectly straight.

“The Commander has officially changed history.” A woman standing by Lexa’s side said and the Skaikru looked at her with confusion.

Raven didn’t say anything, she already knew. Her eyes met the Commander’s for a second and Raven knew she was about to downplay the whole thing.

“It is nothing important.” Lexa said, “the life span of the Commanders before me was 5 years and 9 months, I have gone past that now, lived the longest.”

“That is indeed impressive, isn’t it?” The woman said. “And it is all thanks to the Skaikru, if you hadn’t saved Heda all those months ago, she wouldn’t have lived longer than those that came before her.” She said, and bile rushed up Raven’s throat, she knew that the Commander was younger than her and that she would have died without even stepping into adulthood if Abby hadn’t managed to save her

“I am quite glad you have made it this far, Heda,” Marcus said, his face clouded with concern, Abby looked a little green.

“Thank you, Marcus, please allow my handmaidens to take you and your companions to the rooms that have been prepared for you. I will see you tonight at the celebration.” Lexa said before turning around and leaving.

They later figured the woman with her was the leader of the Boat People, Luna.

………………..

“Leaving the party early, Commander?” Raven said as she struggled to keep up with the Commander’s long strides, catching up to her just in time to take the elevator. “You are not too big on celebrations, are you?”

“It is for my people, not for me, it means that they get to keep some sense of stability.”

“I am sorry Clarke didn’t come, I know you wanted to see her,” Raven said and the Commander didn’t answer. They had never talked about Clarke, but Raven wasn’t stupid and the Commander said a lot just by how she looked at the blonde.

“I know you wanted her to be family, I saw the way you looked at her, the way you let her treat you. I know the mystery packages she has gotten come from you.” Raven said and Lexa didn’t deny.

“I know she still struggles with the Mountain; I hoped the equipment would help, I heard she enjoys painting.”

“They won’t help if she doesn’t know they come from you,” Raven said, not understanding why the Commander would have such nice gestures only for the blonde to not know they came from her.

“She won’t accept them if she knows they come from me.” Lexa said, “I don’t need her good graces, I just wish for her to feel better.”

The elevators doors opened, the halls were empty, and Raven walked with the Commander towards her room, they stood by the door as Raven regarded the Commander, so noble, so gentle, so honest and so broken at the same time.

“I wish you a good night, Raven,” Lexa said, just before she turned to walk away. Raven grabbed her arm and made her turn around.

“You deserve to feel better, too,” Raven said, a moment later she held onto the back of the Commander’s neck and she kissed her. She couldn’t give her her childhood back, she couldn’t give her back everything that had been taken from her, or how misunderstood she probably felt being in a position that probably no one else could completely comprehend. She couldn’t do any of that, but at least she could make her feel good for one night.

They stumbled into Raven’s room in a battle of tongue and teeth, Raven’s back crashed against one of the walls and she gasped as soft lips sucked harshly at her neck. She grabbed the Commander’s hand and pushed it against her breast, letting her know exactly what she wanted. Lexa growled in true alpha fashion, grabbing onto the front of Raven’s shirt and pulling with both hands until it tore, pushing her bra out of the way and then moving forwards to wrap her warm lips around a stiff nipple and sucking, biting and tugging on it, the mechanic moaned a mix of pleasure and pain as she held to the back of the alpha’s head, her sinful tongue playing with one stiff bud before moving to the other.

Moments later she pulled the Commander up so she could kiss her again and then she felt it, a hardness against her tight that made her eyes widen. Raven gasped, and Lexa moved her hands to Raven’s pants, pulling them and her underwear down to her ankles. She later grabbed the mechanic and guided her towards the bed, Raven didn’t have to be told what to do, she crawled on the mattress on all fours and left her ass high in the air, inviting the powerful alpha behind her to take her once and for all.

Raven watched over her shoulder as the Commander pulled her cock out of her pants, her walls clenching around nothing as she saw its length and girth. Lexa pumped her cock a few times with her hand, her cock looking heavy and painfully hard. Wetness dribbled down Raven’s opening, she knew she would be spread like never before, filled like never before, she knew it would hurt a little and that she would need time to adjust, having never taken anything even remotely close in size, and all of that only made her more excited.

Lexa held onto her hips, letting the head of her cock press against Raven’s opening.

“Do you want this?” Lexa asked, not daring to move until she heard a clear expression of consent.

“Yes,” Raven said, and a moment later Lexa forced all her throbbing length inside of Raven. The process was slow, bordering on delicate. The Commander knew exactly the damage she could cause if she didn’t do it gently. This allowed the omega to feel her fully, the head of her shaft, it’s thickness and how every inch spread her apart. The mechanic groaned low when it was all the way in, she had never felt so overwhelmingly full, a string of moans and whimpers flowed past her lips, her walls clenching and fluttering around Lexa’s twitching cock just as the Commander started to move.

Her pace seemed hesitant, carefully controlled to assure the omega wouldn’t feel any pain, and so Raven started a quiet chant of harder, faster and more, until the Commander’s thrusts became powerful and brutal, just like Raven needed them to be. The Commander held onto Raven’s hips with extreme force as she drove her hips to the mechanic’s backside as hard as she could, hearing the omega beneath her shout in pleasure every time she drove her hips up.

The warmth and the tightness of Raven’s cunt was better than anything Lexa could have ever dreamed of, she leaned down, placing bruising kisses on the mechanic’s back, reaching a hand down to play with her clit, nudging it with her fingers fast and hard, feeling Raven’s body shake and her walls convulse around her. Only when Lexa wrapped her teeth around the skin where Raven’s shoulder met her neck and bit down did the Mechanic come, her voice getting lost in a scream as her walls clenched as hard as they could around the Commander’s cock. Hot jets of cum splashed against her walls and the sensation of it pushed Raven into another orgasm, her arms gave out from under her and she fell down on the bed, whimpering and shaking as Lexa lazily pumped her hips against her backside to help her ride her orgasm.

She could feel it, she could feel Lexa’s hot breath on the back of her neck, she could feel her cock as it was pushed in and out of her cunt lazily, slowly, until Lexa finally pulled away completely, her strong arms gently picking Raven up and laying her down on the bed. The mechanic hadn’t even managed to take off her jacket, the remnants of her shirt were hanging around her shoulders, her bra still pushed up by her collarbones.

There was a moment of quiet as Lexa lay on the bed beside her after taking off her pants, her underwear and her coat, leaving her only in her undershirt. They were still breathing hard, eyes closed as they tried to bask in the afterglow of their climax just a little longer.

“Did I hurt you?” Lexa asked, at last, knowing she had been a lot rougher than necessary, that she had been harsh and that she could have hurt the Skaikru girl.

“In the best of ways,” Raven said, a lazy smile on her face as she reached down to cup her aching center, her fingers met her wetness joined with Lexa’s and she hissed, she would be sore for a little while.

“I apologize; I didn’t treat you properly. I am not usually this unkind.” Lexa said, sounding ashamed and Raven opened her eyes to look at her.

“Don’t say that. I liked it and I asked for it.” Raven said, her voice low and hoarse, her fingers slowly rubbing at her clit. The Commander watched looking back at her with dark eyes. Raven saw her flaccid length start to harden once again. “You can do it again if you want,” Raven said, reaching down to touch Lexa’s cock, her hand could barely close around it.

“You are sure?” The Commander asked.

“Yes,” Raven said and the Commander moved in, kissing her hard, letting their tongues meet, sucking on Raven’s bottom lip as she let her hand trail down and press tight circles on the omega’s clit.

Lexa trailed kisses down her chest and abdomen, placing special attention to her hip bones, sucking and biting them until Raven was begging her to get just a little lower.

Lexa made Raven cum on her tongue and then she made her come again, fucking her as hard as she had done before.

………………………..

Raven was staring a little, she just couldn’t stop herself. The Commander had stood from the bed in search of something to help clean themselves up. So Raven was able to watch the round, tight muscles of her ass and then the well-defined lines of her back. Raven didn’t even know a back could look like that, she didn’t even know those muscles existed, but the Commander had them and the two dimples that appeared low on her waist only served to force her to squeeze her legs.

Raven didn’t think things could get any worse, but then the Commander came back, carrying a water basin and a few towels, her well-chiseled abs, all six of them, seemed to be carved delicately onto her skin, well defined and rippling under her skin. Raven didn’t even dare to look down, knowing what she would have found there, having had it inside of her just moments ago. Instead, her gaze went up, a pair of beautiful breasts, a long-corded neck, a diamond-sharp jaw, a thin nose, a pair of elegant cheekbones and then, like the cherry on top, a pair of the most brilliant emerald eyes Raven had ever seen. The Commander was definitely the hottest alpha Raven had ever encountered and the fact that she smelled so good didn’t really help matters. Raven felt achy and sore, but she wanted her again, and again and again. She suddenly felt very hot, very empty, and she wanted the Commander back inside of her.

“Raven, you are entering heat.” The alpha said, sounding slightly concerned. She moved forwards and dabbed at Raven’s sweaty forehead with a cool cloth. Raven sighed, that felt really nice.

“Heat?” Raven said, confused. She knew what heat was, but she wasn’t supposed to go through it, the implant in her arm was supposed to block it until she was 21.

“Yes, should I get your healer? I can get you somewhere safe where you will be comfortable, no unwanted alphas will come near you. If I had known I wouldn’t have allowed this to happen, it was not my intention to take advantage.” The Commander said and Raven frowned.

“You didn’t take advantage of me, I wanted this. It was just sex; it is something I enjoy doing.” Raven responded and the Commander visibly sighed in relief. As soon as she had smelled the faint scent of omega entering heat she had put as much distance between them as she could. She had to control herself and ensure that the omega in her bed would be safe and that no unwanted alpha would take her without consent, she wouldn’t allow it.

“In that case, I could bring alphas for you to choose from, so you might find someone you fancy to fulfill your heat.” The Commander said and Raven frowned again. She had just slept with the most powerful alpha around; she knew her omega wouldn’t take anything less.

“You were doing that just fine, at least that you don’t want to help me out?” Raven said tentatively, her core was starting to ache, her walls fluttering around nothing as arousal seemed to cover the inside of her thighs. She couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it, not when the Commander was so close, looking the way she did, smelling so good, and besides that, being so gentle in the way she wiped the sweat off of Raven’s collarbones.

“It might be unwise; I have never shared a heat with an omega before.” The Commander said and Raven’s eyes widened. The Commander was attractive and the most powerful alpha around, omegas and even betas probably threw themselves at her all the time, and she somehow hadn’t shared the heat with any of them? What about past lovers and partners? Did she even have them?

“Just now, did you enjoy yourself? Or was that something that you didn’t want?” Raven asked, straight and to the point.

“I did enjoy it.” The Commander said. “What I don’t want is to make you feel used.” She said and Raven knew by the look in her eyes that she was being honest. Raven was surprised by her actions once more, why did she even care? Most alphas she knew would jump at the chance to sleep with an omega, heat or not, most of them also felt like it was an omega’s duty to fulfill their needs. They always fucked them like they wanted to and then left, not much thought behind it.

But there it was, the most powerful alpha in the 13 clans, worried about how she felt. It didn’t make any sense and Raven had to hold back the urge to laugh.

“If you helped me during my heat, it would be me using you, don’t you think?” Raven said, and the Commander didn’t say anything else, she seemed thoughtful. “I don’t want to spend my heat on my own, and I don’t want to have some unknown alpha with me.”

“I believe Bellamy came to the capital as well.”

“Already did that, don’t want a repeat,” Raven said, grimacing slightly. Bell had been fine, overly fast and a bit disregarding of her needs, but it had been fine. He was no Commander Lexa, that was for sure.

The Commander seemed to take the words the wrong way. Raven watched her jaw clench and her hands turn into fists around the clothes she had been using to wipe the sweat off Raven’s skin.

“Did he hurt you?” The Commander said, a clear threat in her voice. Raven knew by her rage-filled eyes that she was ready to rip Bellamy’s throat out depending on what Raven told her.

“No, he didn’t hurt me,” Raven said, waiting for the Commander’s expression to relax before she elaborated. “He is just not the most considerate lover I’ve ever had.”

“And knowing everything I have done do you still want me to help with your heat?” The Commander asked. And maybe any other day Raven would have thought better of it, maybe if she wasn’t entering heat she wouldn’t have even ended up in the Commander’s bed, but she was in heat, and as the Commander spoke all she could think about were the tiny drops of sweat that were trailing down the valley between her breasts and then lower towards those hard abs. Warmth gushed from between her legs and Raven gasped, the Commander’s shaft was coming to life right before her very eyes. Her insides burned for it and all her omega did was scream inside her head, asking why that shaft wasn’t inside of her already.

“All I can think right now is what I want you to do to me,” Raven said, carelessly throwing the basin to the floor and laying down on the bed, her legs wide open. “You enjoyed yourself and we both know that’s something you never do, so just come here and take me. That’s what I want.”

Before long the Commander was crawling towards her, stopping right at the apex of Raven’s legs and lowering her face. Raven gasped, clutching hard the furs under her body, throwing her head back. That was exactly what she needed.

…………………………

Four days. They didn’t leave the room for four days. Four days in which the Commander made sure she was eating and drinking enough, made sure she was comfortable and warm, made sure she wasn’t hurting in any way, going as far as helping Raven clean up after their activities and offering different kind of teas and salves that should help with ache and soreness of her core.

In bed she was considerate, making sure she was giving Raven the pleasure she craved. She was good at listening to Raven’s instructions, going harder or faster when asked to, touching and licking and kissing where the omega needed her to. Never allowing herself to come until Raven did.

Most omegas she knew spoke about heat as the worst thing that could happen, like it was hell, and Raven could see how that would be possible if they didn’t have a good partner, but the Commander had basically devoted herself to her, had never left her alone and had been there to soothe her heat when it was at its peak.

It would have been perfect if the Commander hadn’t refused to knot her.  Raven didn’t understand why, but she never allowed herself to put her knot inside of Raven and she knew that had taken its toll, had drained her, leaving her completely exhausted, especially because she had had to do it many times during the past four days. Raven couldn’t even begin to comprehend the level of self-control an alpha had to possess to resist their most basic instinct, knot an omega, climax inside of her, breed her.

Raven rolled onto her side, pulling the furs up to her shoulders and feeling the ache and soreness of the past days' filter in now that the fog of heat was gone. The Commander was deeply asleep beside her, she was face down, back exposed for Raven to see. The scars, they didn’t seem to come from a knife or a sword, but there were so many of them, crisscrossing the Commander’s back from top to bottom, Raven couldn’t help but wonder if she had ever been captured and tortured before, because those marks could only have come from some sort of whip. The Commander didn’t seem too comfortable with having Raven touch them, as she always moved her hands back to her shoulders and neck.

Her body as a whole was full of scars, and once again Raven was reminded of how young the Commander really was, nothing about her situation was okay.

Trying to drive those thoughts away from her head, Raven extended her arms towards the bedside table, trying to reach the jug of water that was usually there. In the darkness she ended up pushing it off the table, the jug crashing and breaking against the floor.

Before Raven could even think the Commander was on top of her, covering her body with her own, knife in hand. Her body was tense, ready to spring into action. Where did she even get that knife from?

“It was just me,” Raven said, keeping her tone soft as to not startle the already alarmed alpha on top of her. “I pushed the jug off the table and it broke, it is really nothing.”

The Commander seemed to relax then, putting the knife back under the pillow.

“You are okay?” The Commander asked and Raven nodded, slightly surprised by the concern in her voice.

“Yes, just a little thirsty, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I’ll get the water.” She said and with a swift movement, she was off of Raven and off the bed.

She put on a loose shirt and a pair of tight shorts that served as her underwear and then walked towards the door. She opened it just enough to be able to speak to the person on the other side and then closed it, coming back to stand by Raven’s side.

“The handmaiden will bring it soon.” She said and Raven nodded, she was grown accustomed to the handmaiden, she was the only person the Commander had let into their room during the past few days.

The Commander then proceeded to start cleaning the mess that the dropped jug had caused, picking up the broken pieces and soaking up the water with a few towels. Before long, the handmaiden came in and took over for her, offering the Heda the fresh jug of water.

“Here.” The Commander said, offering some to Raven using a wooden cup.

“Thanks,” Raven said, feeling the cool water make its way down her throat.

“Is there anything else you need, Heda?” The handmaiden asked and the Commander turned her gaze towards Raven.

“Raven, is there anything you need?”

“No, I am good, thanks.” She said and the Commander nodded.

“You may go.” The Commander said, and the girl bowed before walking towards the door.

The Commander laid back down on the bed, flat on her back with an arm twisted back to support her head.

“You didn’t answer my last letter,” Raven mentioned and, in the darkness, she didn’t see the Commander nod.

“I thought it would be best to give it to you in person, given that you were on your way here when the letter reached me.” She responded and Raven nodded in agreement.

“Why don’t you just tell me what you wrote to me?” Raven said. On her last letter, she had expressed her surprise about the Commander’s age and she had asked about whatever had the Commander worried about a new threat.

“The Ice Nation is always a concern and that is not a secret to anyone, their Queen does not find my rule to be the proper one and is constantly pushing. Making military exercises too close to the Trikru border, killing gonas that she claims were found infringed her territory, sending an assassin every once in a while, to get rid of me.” The Commander said casually and Raven’s eyes widened.

“Assassins? How do you know she is the one sending them?” Raven asked and the Commander turned her face to look back at her. The sun was starting to rise, drenching the room in its orange glow.

“Do you remember when you implied that I have spies in Skaikru?” The Commander asked.

“Yes, you said that wasn’t the case,” Raven said and the Commander nodded.

“And that is true, as I trust Marcus. He speaks to me constantly and his eagerness to see his people prosper drives me away from the belief of the possibility of a betrayal coming from your clan.”

“You can’t say the same about the Ice Nation, you actually have people there.”

“I do.” The Commander said and Raven nodded in understanding, she knew Ice Nation was problematic, they were the ones to send the kill order on Clarke because their Queen wanted to take the power of Wanheda or some other nonsense.

“And your spies told you the Queen ordered to have you killed.”

“No, they told me the order came from Ice Nation, but there is no way to directly link it to the Queen, without proof there is nothing to do.”

“What does she get if she kills you though?” Raven asked, trying to figure out what the Queen was thinking. “It’s not like she could take power of the Coalition, that’s not how it works.”

“I believe for her it is personal, I forced her Clan into submission. She didn’t wish to be a part of the alliance, but she had to when she saw the power of the joined Clans, she knew her armies wouldn’t be able to beat us. She was forced to enter the alliance, forced to fall under my laws and my rules.”

“So, for as long as she remains Queen....” Raven trailed off, knowing exactly why the Commander was constantly worried.

“War is always a possibility. I won’t seek war, but I always must be ready for it.” The Commander said and Raven nodded, she couldn’t just move against the Ice Nation, not with them being part of the Coalition.

“Is it really okay for you to be telling me this stuff?” Raven asked, not wanting to get the Commander in trouble.

“Yes, I am not saying anything that isn’t common knowledge, the more detailed parts of the story I keep to myself.” The Commander said and Raven curled onto her side to face her better.

“What about your age? You aren’t sure about it, why?” Raven asked, and the Commander looked back at her with a blank expression.

“I was taken from the streets when I was a child and brought to the tower, the healer at the time just took a guess on my age judging by my height and weight.” The Commander said and Raven’s heart dropped to her stomach. Taken from the streets? Was there any part of her life that wasn’t completely tragic?

“From the streets? But what about your parents?” Raven asked and the Commander blinked quickly against the sun rays that were falling over her face. She seemed tired, but Raven knew that there was no excuse for her to stay in the room and sleep a little more now that her heat was over.

“I don’t remember my parents. However, there was this woman, she stole bread from her mate’s stall in the markets and gave it to me sometimes. Those pieces of bread kept me from going hungry many times.” The Commander said and Raven was only able to offer her a weak smile.

“Is she still in the markets?” Raven said and the Commander nodded. “Have you gone and seen her since?”

“I used to.” The Commander said, her eyes going dark, they moved away from Raven for a moment as if debating what should she say next. “I grew up to fall in love with her daughter. After her funeral, I was never able to look into her mother’s eyes again.”

“Her funeral? What happened?” Raven said, her heart squeezing hard in her chest.

“The Ice Queen, because Costia was mine, she took her, cut off her head and sent it back to me.” The Commander said, and Raven couldn’t see anger in her eyes, no, she saw guilt, raging furiously in their insides, rooted into her very being. Chills shot down Raven’s back and she had to hold herself back from letting out her tears. Raven couldn’t begin to understand how it would feel to have the head of the person you love most in the world delivered to you.

“What did you do?” Raven asked quietly, almost afraid to ask.

“I accepted her into my alliance,” Lexa said, her voice just as quiet, her eyes frozen in the dark.

“What? But she killed the woman you loved.” Raven didn’t understand.

“And responding with war would have gotten more people killed, all of those who are loyal to me dying over my broken heart. I couldn’t sacrifice them, no matter how much I wanted to bring her castle to the ground, no matter how much I wanted to see her end in my blade. What I wanted just didn’t matter.” The Commander explained, looking up into Raven’s eyes. “Every death that occurs in these lands is on me, even if those deaths aren’t caused by my blade, I am still responsible for them. Even if I had wanted to accept to have your lover imprisoned my people wouldn’t have accepted that, they were ready to kill Clarke for killing him before he was executed under our traditions. Accepting a punishment as light as imprisonment over the death of elders and children would have been seen as weakness on my part, would have been seen as a betrayal to my people. They would have revolted and more people would have died.”

“But you stopped them from killing Clarke why?” Raven asked, the Commander’s feelings for Clarke weren’t a secret, but it was too early, the Commander couldn’t have stopped her people’s attack over her feelings.

“I would give anything in this world for Costia to die as quickly and as painlessly as Finn did. I understood what Clarke did and I wish I could have offered Costia that same mercy. I know it might not even look like mercy to you, but respecting what Clarke did and letting her leave suffering no repercussions was the only thing I could manage, and still, my advisors spoke strongly against it.” The Commander said and Raven couldn’t find anything to say in response. “I won’t ask you to understand, I just wanted you to know that I know how you felt and that the pain you suffered is not something that I would wish on anyone because I have suffered it as well. I respect you and I know how vital the role you play is for your Clan, you are smart, strong, and tenacious… You didn’t deserve the pain I caused you-” She was going to continue speaking but a knock on the door cut her off. Raven watched the Commander sigh and stand up.

“Heda, you are needed immediately in the throne room.” The handmaiden said and the Commander nodded.

“Aid Raven with her bath and make sure she is well fed; I believe her people will be leaving the Capital soon. Notify me when they are about to depart.” The Commander said before leaving the room and leaving Raven alone with the handmaiden.

“I don’t really need help with my bath, you can go,” Raven said and the Handmaiden shook her head.

“Heda’s orders,” She responded and Raven sighed already knowing that was the answer she would get.

“You may continue resting while I prepare the bath, I will make sure your food is prepared in the meantime.” The handmaiden said, leaving the room to speak to someone outside of it before coming back and getting lost in the bathroom. “You may come in now.”

The smell was heavenly and Raven’s untrained nose couldn’t really name it, but it smelled fresh and floral, just the slightest bit sweet. The scent seemed to come from the tub, which was already full of warm water. Raven let the sheet she was covering herself with fall to the floor, not really feeling any shame with the handmaiden that had seen her basically naked many times during her heat.

The warm water worked wonders to soothe her aching muscles, and later, when the handmaiden started washing her legs and feet, Raven couldn’t feel any more pampered. The handmaiden took her time to wash Raven’s skin and then she would spend a few minutes massaging her limbs, the same process happened with her arms, shoulders and upper back, and by the time the handmaiden started massaging her head, Raven felt so loose and so relaxed that she started to doze off.

Raven wasn’t sure for how long she napped, but by the time the handmaiden woke her the water had gone cold. She stood from the tub and the handmaiden enveloped her in a soft towel, making sure to offer Raven another for her hair.

When they walked back to the room, it was pristine and clean, the furs on the bed had been changed and the mess of clothes that had been strewn around had been picked up and placed on a near chair. A set of clothes that weren’t her own were placed on Raven’s bed, next to where Abby was sitting patiently waiting for Raven.

“Heda left this set of clothes for you, she meant to replace those she damaged. Breakfast for the both of you will be brought up shortly.” The handmaiden said before leaving the room.

“Raven,” Abby said as soon as the handmaiden was gone, standing up and cupping the omega’s face with her hands, checking her over with concerned eyes. “How are you? How hurt are you?”

“What? I am not hurt Abby, I am just a little sore, that’s all.” Raven said, but it went to deaf ears, in moments she was completely bare in front of the doctor who took her time to check her all over.

“You seem to be well fed and healthy, and there are only a couple of small bruises here and there,” Abby said with a frown.

“Is that bad?” Raven said, confused by the doctor’s expression.

“It isn’t bad, it’s just unusual. Alphas tend to get more animalistic when an omega is in heat, they tend to become more forceful and even violent during the mating, sometimes they even forget to make sure the omega is getting enough sustenance so after the heat omegas tend to be hurt and underfed.” At that moment three handmaidens came with trays in their hands, they placed them on the near table and left.

“No, she was very careful with me. I think I hurt her more than she hurt me. And every day we got food just like this a few times.” Raven said and Abby looked at the table with surprise, there was enough there to feed a small army.

“This is more than necessary.” the doctor said and Raven agreed.

“It is, and I told the Commander as much, but she insisted on getting always this amount for me just in case.”

“Would you like me to make sure everything down there is as it should be? Make sure there are no tears?” Abby asked and Raven rapidly shook her head.

“I am sure I would be in a lot of pain if there was anything like that going on. The Commander was very careful, she didn’t hurt me, and she didn’t even knot me.” Raven said as she started to change. The Commander had only damaged one of her shirts, but she still had gotten for Raven an entirely new set of clothes, with tan pants, a loose-fitting black shirt, and a black leather jacket. The jacket was of the same quality of the one she had already gotten, but this one wasn’t as thick on the inside, it wouldn’t offer the same warmth the other did as it was probably designed for the summer night chill. It also didn’t have the bird or her initials engraved, Raven assumed it was for the lack of time the Commander had to get it done, the new jacket had pockets on the inside though, and a hood, Raven loved it.

“She didn’t knot you?” Abby said, just as Raven was slipping the black shirt over her head, she sighed in content, the material was soft and not too thick. Raven sat down at the table to eat and looked up at Abby, the doctor looked completely shocked.

“No, and it wasn’t for lack of asking on my part. I wanted her to do it, I asked her to do it and she still resisted.” Raven said, drinking some of her juice as she allowed Abby to process her words.

“I have never heard of anything like that, it goes against an alpha’s very nature.”

“It does, and it always left her completely drained but she still never did it. I didn’t ask, though. Maybe it's because she had never shared a heat with an omega before, maybe she was afraid she would hurt me or something.” Raven said and Abby nodded, her face still sporting confusion.

“That would be very thoughtful of her. Must have caused her pain as well.” Abby said and Raven nodded.

“I told her she could and she still denied.”

“I am glad you had a good experience with your first heat, once we are back at Arkadia we must decide what we will do about the malfunctioning implant, you need to think about what you want to do, we could take it out and replace it with a new one, that should last two or five years depending on the one you choose, or if you want to just take it out,” Abby said, and Raven nodded.

“Thanks, Abby, I’ll let you know.”

………………………………

“I had to come here before leaving,” Raven said from where she stood a few steps behind the Commander. The children were running around, playing, laughing, and the Commander stood by, just taking it in. Her shoulders were relaxed, as was the rest of her posture and her jaw. Raven had never seen her like that. “I can see why this is your favorite place.”

“I know Doctor Griffin gave you a check-up, I hope I did not cause too much damage.” The Commander said and Raven moved to stand beside her. The Heda didn’t turn to look at her, her eyes on the children.

“You didn’t,” Raven said as she stared at the deep scratches she had left on the Commander’s neck, she had drawn blood and the Commander hadn’t mentioned it, she had just cleaned the scratches when they were done. “I think I hurt you more than you hurt me.”

“It’s nothing.” The Commander said. “It was an honor to be allowed to share your heat with you, Raven.”

“Why?” Raven asked, confused.

“Omegas are the heart of any Clan, they keep us together, they heal, and they soothe the pain. Their very nature is the foundation we must build upon, they are the bringers of light. It is an honor for any alpha to be allowed to help an omega during their heat, or in any other way they require of us.” The Commander said, not seeing Raven’s shocked expression. That was definitely not how the people of Skaikru saw things.

Silence seemed to envelop them both as they watched the children play, Raven didn’t know what to say next.

“This was the letter I was going to give you.” The Commander said as she took the envelope from the inside of her coat, offering it to Raven. “Now that I have told you what it says there is no real need for you to read it.”

Raven nodded, but still took the letter, folding it and placing it in the inside pocket of her jacket.

“I was meaning to ask you if you still wanted to receive letters from me. I never expected you to answer the first one and I realize you might not want to share any kind of correspondence with me.” The Commander said, her eyes continuing to avoid Raven’s, her voice carrying an undertone of hesitance and shyness. “You do not need to feel obligated to write back to me.”

“I think I’d like to keep writing back to you,” Raven said, she had been receiving letters from the Commander, and she had responded out of fear of seeming impolite, but she had begun to wait for the letters and to look forward to them. She felt like she knew the Commander better now and she was curious by nature, she wanted to know more. “I know you probably have better things to do, so I am not sure if you want to keep hearing from me.”

“It wouldn’t be a problem for me.” The Commander said and Raven nodded.

“Okay, I’ll write back once I am back in Arkadia then,” Raven said and the Commander nodded. “I am sorry I took you from your duty for so many days, I hope that didn’t get you in trouble.”

“Do not worry, it is nothing I can’t handle. I hope next time you come you are able to see more of the city.” The Commander said, sounding hesitant once again, even if it was a statement the tone she had used had made the sentence sound like a question. Raven tilted her head to the side in confusion, Lexa was an alpha _and_ the Commander, if she wanted Raven to stay in Polis or to come back, she could simply demand it of her, but no, instead she chose to leave the decision to Raven.

“Of course, I am sure there is much to explore. Maybe you could show me?” Raven said and finally the Commander turned to look at her, she seemed surprised by the petition, by the mere idea of Raven wanting to spend more time with her than strictly necessary.

“Of course,” The Commander said, her green eyes looking very light, almost translucent under the light of the sun.

“I know you already said goodbye to Abby and Marcus so, goodbye, Heda,” Raven said, offering the Commander her hand.

“Farewell, Raven.” The Commander responded, taking the Mechanic’s arm in typical grounder fashion and giving Raven’s forearm a gentle squeeze.

The Commander watched Raven walk away, a tiny smile pulling at the corner of her lips.

 


	2. Chapter 2

_ Commander Lexa,  _

_ Since I came back, I haven’t stopped thinking about the clearing where the children play. In the Old-World people had places specially designed for the enjoyment of children, these places had games and attractions where the kids got to enjoy themselves. I was wondering if you would maybe consider having built some of these games on the clearing. I am not sure they would like them because it would be very unfamiliar to them, but some of my people and I could go there and teach them how to use them, up in the Ark there weren’t any games either, but I think I have seen enough movies to figure out how it works and to have them designed and built. So... Let me know if that would be something you would like for the kids of Polis. _

_ I think sports are also an Old-World tradition that is worth bringing back, sports are games too, but people of all ages can participate, they are competitive games so there always must be a winner or a loser. Most of them are team sports, so they help to bring people together and making them strategize and see how they could reach victory. I was thinking, and it could be interesting to use this kind of games not only for the general population but also to help train the Nightbloods, I mean, most sports require a strategy to win… kind of like war, I suppose. Of course, it’s just a suggestion, but I figured it would be a good idea to make the training at least a little fun.  _

_ How were you trained, by the way? Feel free to ignore the question if I am overstepping, I am just curious. _

_ Hope everything is going well back at the Capital, here I am having a bit more work than usual. Our fence keeps having issues and it’s honestly starting to piss me off. _

_ Hope your week hasn’t been as busy as mine. _

_ -Raven. _

_ …………………………. _

_ Raven, _

_ I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. I am not familiar with these places, but I think it would be a good investment for the kids here and in all the villages around. We could make the first one here, see if the kids are receptive to these kinds of games, and if so, we could replicate the design in the near villages. To start, you could send me the designs, I would review them and see their viability. Would the materials be hard to find? If it is within my hands, I would be pleased to get them for you. I could also spare some of the best builders from within the city so they might help you, I am not sure if there are any Skaikru builders yet. _

_ These games, sports, they sound most interesting. I imagine people would spend an important amount of energy while playing them. Maybe if we got adults to participate, they would spend more of their energy playing these games and less energy fighting over petty things. If these games require strategizing, they would surely help train the Nightbloods, and not only them but also our soldiers and every other member of the army. I am not sure I would be able to make much of a change in the Nightbloods training regimen, but I could enforce this kind of practice in the army, I would require of you to explain better, as of now the idea sounds slightly vague. However, I am interested and I hope to hear more of this idea of yours. _

_ My training… We had many things to oversee, even from a young age, there was the physical training to build strength, speed, and endurance; there was the weapons training to make sure we would be the best at every available weapon, bow, sword, knife, and also to make sure we would be able to make any object a weapon. There were also classes about the internal affairs of a clan, it is important to know the territory, how many villages are spread over it, how many people belong to those villages, what are they good at, how do they sustain themselves. Classes about the different activities that are required for the survival of the many, how many people need to work the farmlands, how many people need to hunt, which are the sources of drinking water. We also had army training… the list is long and my intention is not to bore you so I suppose it is okay to leave it at that. _

_ If I may return the question… How were you trained? I am not quite sure about what you do, I know you make weapons, but I don’t think that is what you do all the time, or what you were trained to do, if it is, there is no problem with that. You just mentioned a malfunctioning fence, I am assuming you mean the electric fence that surrounds your camp and you are the one to fix it so that further supports my idea of you not being quite a weapon maker. _

_ Farewell _

_ Commander Lexa Kom Trikru. _

_ ………………. _

_ Commander Lexa,  _

_ With the letter I sent a couple of designs for the park, each one of them has notes about how they work, but I am pretty sure you will figure it out with the drawings, I’ve also added measurements and the materials I would need. I think you could provide everything needed, it's mostly wood, some metal, some rope, nothing out of the ordinary. Let me know how you like it, or if there’s something you are not too sure of that I can change. I am happy you are considering it; I am sure your kids could have a lot of fun. _

_ The typical game for strategizing would be chess, I suppose, but I was thinking something where more energy is required, like maybe football or rugby, or maybe soccer, or baseball. Even if you don’t find them ideal for battle strategy training, you could use these games for physical training and it would be pretty fun. I have to do a bit more research on them, though, even if we did watch this kind of games in space, we didn’t play them ourselves, so I have to figure them out before I explain them to you. _

_ Wow, I feel like reading all of that gave me a bit of a headache. It is really a lot, but I suppose it makes sense, you need to know how the clan works to be able to manage it, and you need to know about war to come out of it victorious. I wish you had had some time to just be a kid, though. I feel like you were always treated like a mini adult and had no real time to be young and innocent. _

_ Well, you are right, I am not a weapon maker, I am a Mechanic… _

_ Raven tapped her chin with her pencil, she knew she wasn’t talking with just anyone and while she knew the Commander wasn’t dumb, she probably had no idea about what a Mechanic was because there were no Mechanics among her people, so Raven had to think  about a way to explain what she did in an easy way. _

_ … I was trained to be able to repair machines, which are mechanical devices that use power to perform a specific action, that power can come from different places, some machines are powered by people, or by animals, some others are powered by water, electricity, or wind. The Rover and the fence are examples of machines, that’s why I mentioned fixing them. _

_ All Skaikru were trained in the basics, like reading and writing and math, for those we took classes, like when you teach the Nightbloods. They sit around and you give them a lesson, with us it was pretty much the same, a teacher would stand up in front of all of us and teach us how to read, how to count, the basics. Then, after we are done, we get to choose what is going to be our job and we get trained accordingly, we could choose to be Medics or healers like Abby, to be teachers, to be engineers, to work maintaining the order… there really were a lot of options. _

_ Once I chose to be a Mechanic, I took classes on that specific field and I was trained or mentored by Sinclair, I think you met him when we joined the Coalition, he is part of the council so he was there. He was like my First and I was his Second, once I finished my training we started working together. _

_ I am sure it was nothing like your training, we did have time to enjoy ourselves and hang out with our friends and stuff like that. I have always been very passionate about being a Mechanic though, so I spent a lot of my free time studying to be the best. _

_ Let me know what you think about those designs I sent you, and I will be doing some studying on those sports soon. _

_ Raven _

_ ……………………………….. _

_ Raven, _

_ I was pleased to see the designs; they don’t seem to be very complex to make. However, I was meaning to request your presence at the Capital to oversee the project. I am afraid I do not have much time to oversee it myself and I am not quite sure my builders will be able to read and understand the notes and the numbers in the designs, they don’t quite speak English. I would send a gona with you so she might translate for you if you were to agree on coming here. However, do not feel pressured to come here, if you are unable to, or simply don’t want to I’d do my best to find a way to get the project going. _

_ From what I understood of your activities it seems like there might be a lot for you to do in your Clan, I would understand if you didn’t have the time to do research on the games you mentioned. Your work seems interesting, I have never spent too much time pondering on machines, most of them are damaged, but I imagine you could make use of some of them. I believe your knowledge would help move our society forward. Would you ever consider having apprentices of your own? I would like some of my people to have your abilities.   _

_ I understand how passion can become… consuming, and in this case, I believe that to be a positive thing, I am sure your dedication and passion are what make you the best at what you do. Are there other things you are passionate about? _

_ Also, you mentioned that you have watched those games been played, but you also said that your people didn’t play them themselves, so how exactly did you watch them? _

_ Commander Lexa Kom Trikru _

…………………….

Raven stared at the letter, eyes a little wide. The Commander was telling her to go to Polis to oversee the building of the park, she wanted her to order a bunch builders around. Raven couldn’t help but feel slightly confused about it, would a bunch of builders, possibly alphas, allow some Skaikru omega to order them around? Raven wasn’t too sure about how exactly that would work out, but that was what the Commander had said and she wasn’t about to question her. She also figured it would be harmless to go back to Polis, maybe this time she would really get to see the city and do some nice work, something different from what she did every day, the food there was also better…

Raven stood up and left her room, finding the gona that always delivered the letters with a bored expression on her face.

“Haven’t written my answer yet, have to do something first. Can you wait a little bit longer?” Raven asked, knowing that her question annoyed the woman, she had told her time and time again that she had orders to wait for as long as necessary.

“I’ll wait for as long as you need.” The woman said, a scowl on her face. Raven smiled brightly at her, just to annoy her further, and walked away.

Moments later she had reached Abby’s office, the woman was sitting at her desk, looking into some charts. Since Kane had been elected as Skaikru’s ambassador, Abby had more work than usual, it almost pained Raven to annoy her with something so small.

“Hey, Abby,” Raven said and the woman looked up at her with a smile.

“Raven, please, take a seat. Is it your leg?” Abby said, already standing up from her seat.

“No, no, sit, it’s nothing like that,” Raven said, holding the letter in her hand. She didn’t really want to show Abby, but she would if the woman didn’t believe her.

“Oh, okay, what is it then?”

“I sent the Commander some designs for a park to be built in Polis and she has agreed to it. She asked me to go there and take care of it myself and I kind of want to go and do it.” Raven said, sounding kind of hesitant, she knew that it sounded weird and that Abby must be wondering how she contacted the Commander, to begin with.

“Does this have something to do with the soldier that comes here with a letter for you every couple of days?” Abby said and Raven’s eyes widened slightly.

“Well, yes, how do you know about that?”

“One of the guards let me know when it started, they thought dangerous to let in a package that came from the grounders, believed it could be some kind of weapon after it happened a few more times they relaxed about it,” Abby said. She looked at Raven with her head tilting to the side, her eyes penetrating, her gaze unwavering. “Is this something I should be worried about? You shared your heat with her and now you are sending each other letters. What exactly is this?”

“This is me being polite,” Raven said, her tone the slightest bit snappish, why did people care about what she did or did not do? “She is the Commander; I don’t want to be tied to a tree and cut again if I decide I don’t wish to speak to her anymore.”

“That’s not what she told Marcus,” Abby leaned forward on her arms and Raven felt her back tense, of course, Abby would catch her on her bullshit. “I know the Commander to be many things, but she doesn’t particularly strike me as a liar, so you are lying to me, why?”

“Because I am tired of people giving me shit about the stupid letters,” Raven muttered as she leaned back on her chair, she was more annoyed than anything else. She just wanted an answer, could she go to Polis? Yes or no. “Things around here have gotten a little routinary, which is nice, I am happy we are no longer getting killed or killing anyone, but I’m getting bored and hearing about the Commander every once in a while is nice, I don’t know her, so I don’t know what she’s going to tell me next. It’s just a little thing that makes my day different, is that so bad?”

“It’s not, and I am not telling you to stop doing it, or that I disapprove. I am merely asking because I care about you and I want to keep you safe,” Abby reached forward and placed her hand on top of Raven’s, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“You think I could somehow get hurt for this?” Raven asked, arching her eyebrows. The Commander could be a merciless killer, but she still managed to be the most decent alpha she had ever met, judging by the way she had treated her during her heat, at least. Raven didn’t think the Commander would hurt her, not on purpose, much less when it could possibly end in war.

“I don’t know, I truly hope not. Do you want to do this, or are you going because you feel like you are obligated to?”

“I want to go, she said I didn’t have to, but I want to do it.”

“Okay, what do you need and how long do you plan on staying there?”

“Well, I am not sure how things are going to work once I am there, she says I am going to have everything I need at my disposal, so it shouldn’t take too long, a week at most. I guess I would just need to pack a bag, I sent her the designs already so she could give them a look.” Raven said, watching as Abby nodded back at her in response.

“Okay, I can arrange for our guards to take you there tomorrow. If you leave around sunrise, it shouldn’t take long to get there, not as long as by horse I mean, still, feel free to take what you will from the kitchens, you will need a snack for the long hours you are going to stay in the Rover.”

“Thanks, Abby.”

“No need, just don’t forget to take a radio with you, I want to be able to reach you at all times.”

“Of course.” 

………………………..

Raven made it to Polis the next day just when the sun was starting to make its descent in the sky, she had even offered the warrior who delivered the letters to go back to Polis in the Rover with her, but unsurprisingly the woman declined, saying she just couldn’t leave her horse. Raven didn’t give it much thought, but she started wondering if maybe she should have notified the Commander about her visit.

Raven tried not to worry too much as she was taken to the training grounds, where the guards of the tower were taking her to ask the Commander if she had really been invited to the Capital or if she was lying.

When they got there, Raven had a hard time finding the Commander, but the sounds of a fight quickly pointed her in the right direction. Commander Lexa was fighting a man three times her size, another alpha, if his frustrated stench was any indication. She was fighting him in tight leather pants that left very little to the imagination, they cupped nicely the firm swell of her behind and they were low enough for Raven to admire the prominent V cut of her hips. The heat seemed to have made her decide to take her shirt off because she was fighting in only a binding that covered her breasts. Raven’s mouth watered at sight of her toned body, biceps and back muscles rippling with every single move, budging with how tightly strung her body was for the fight, her abs were another story, clenching and unclenching with her heavy breathing, wet with droplets of sweat that made her bronzed skin shine under the fading sun. Had she somehow managed to get more ripped since they had seen each other last? Raven wasn’t sure, but she knew perfectly well what the clenching in her gut meant. She knew what that body could do, she knew how it looked on top of her and she wanted nothing but to feel it once more. Raven wanted her just like that, hair messy, skin shining with sweat, muscles vibrating with the rush of the fight. God, those abs, Raven just wanted to run her tongue over-

Her train of thought was abruptly cut by a blurry movement, the Commander somehow had ended up with her legs and arms wrapped around the man’s neck, and she was choking him with them. The man threw himself to the floor, hoping that the harsh landing on her back would make her let go, but that only made her squeeze harder. Raven could see her jaw clenched tight, teeth bared and eyes intense as she continued to squeeze, refusing to let go until he finally gave up and started smacking the earth with his palm, right before the oxygen deprivation was enough to render him unconscious. 

The Commander let him go at once, getting to her feet and then helping him up, receiving a small bow in farewell before watching the man walk away. She looked around and Raven noticed that there was a line of hopeful warriors standing around, hoping to fight their Heda, but the Commander’s gaze found Raven’s eyes instead and the surprise made her stop in her tracks.

“We are done for the day!” She said, clear and loud enough for all the warriors to hear.  A rumble of disappointment was heard all around as the Commander approached her.

“Heda, this Skaikru omega claims that she got a direct invitation from you to the capital.” 

“Her claims are true; you might take her belongings up to a room on my floor.” The Commander said, taking a small towel that her handmaiden was offering and dabbing it against her brow. The warrior nodded at once and grabbed Raven’s bags. “You might stay the night here; you will be offered food and a place to rest. I believe it would be wiser to make the trip back in the morning.” The Commander said as she directed her gaze to the Skaikru guards who had accompanied Raven, they nodded and were swiftly escorted away by another member of the Commander’s guard. “Raven, walk with me.” The Commander said as she started walking. The omega fell into step with her and soon they were out of the public eye and inside a big wooden structure that was very near the training grounds, judging by the weapons lying all around, Raven figured it was an armory of some sort.

“Sorry for just coming unannounced, I realize it might not have been the greatest idea,” Raven said as she stood by, watching as the Commander dabbed at the droplets of sweat on her chest with the towel. She needed to put a shirt on before Raven did something stupid.

“It is not a problem; I am just quite surprised. I assumed it would take more time for you to decide.” The Commander said, pressing the towel against her abdomen, wiping the sweat away. Raven’s mouth watered, she could do it better with her tongu-

“Raven? Are you well?” The Commander asked as she moved forwards, fixing Raven with a concerned gaze. The omega’s gaze seemed lost somewhere.

“Yes, just distracted.” She responded, her eyes snapping back to the Commander’s face.

“Something here caught your interest?” The Commander asked as she looked around the room, trying to figure out what had caught the omega’s eye.

“No,” Raven smiled to herself, her only interest was the alpha standing in front of her. “Seeing you like this is just bringing very pleasant memories right now, I literally can’t think of anything else, so either you put a shirt on or I won’t be able to hear anything you say.”

The Commander took another step forward, she seemed surprised, her brows slightly furrowed, her eyes glazed and lost as they looked back at Raven’s.

“My body, it affects you.” It was worded like a statement, but the tone made it sound like a question. 

“Of course, it does,” Raven said with a laugh. “Have you seen yourself? I don’t want to be disrespectful but you are really fucking hot.”

“You are quite beautiful, Raven.” The Commander responded and Raven found herself looking up into her eyes for the first time, her eyes had been locked on the Heda’s lips before, those plump, pink lips. Raven found herself moving closer and before she knew it, she was capturing the Commander’s lips with her own.

The very first contact set her body on fire, her gut clenched tight and hard when the Commander parted her lips and welcomed her tongue with her own, her hands were quick to wrap around the Mechanic’s back and trail lower and lower, until both hands were squeezing her behind as hard as they dared to. A moan escaped Raven’s mouth at the sensation, deepening the kiss as she started pulling at the bindings trapping the Commander’s breasts. The bindings fell to the ground and Raven’s hands started roaming all over, palming the soft skin of the Commander’s breasts, taking the time to pay special attention to the stiff buds that laid on top.

The Commander groaned from deep within her throat, using her hold on Raven’s behind to lift her easily.

Raven let out a surprised yelp and curled her arms tightly around the Commander’s neck, never letting their lips separate as she was placed down on a table. She pulled off her jacket and the Commander was quick to rip off her shirt, the sound of tearing fabric made goosebumps flood her skin as she started the jerking process of pushing off her pants. The Commander helped her as best as she could, but ended up ripping her underwear in her frantic desperation. 

Raven expected one thing, she expected to have her legs spread open and to have the Commander’s cock buried inside of her quick after, so she was half surprised, half disappointed when that didn’t happen. Yes, the Commander did spread her legs, but instead of her shaft, she saw the alpha drop to her knees and bury her head deep between her legs. The contact of the wet tongue and soft lips over her center was so shocking and intense that Raven couldn’t resist letting a cry of pleasure rushing out of her mouth.

The Commander wasn’t playing around either, she knew Raven was desperate, she knew she was anxious for relief and the omega knew the Commander wasn’t one to keep her from her pleasure, she knew that from the time they had spent her heat together. So, she wasn’t surprised when the Commander assaulted her center with deep, broad strokes of her tongue, making sure to leave no spot, no place of her cunt without the touch of her strong muscle. Soon the Commander’s hands were traveling up her thighs and towards the small of her back, pulling Raven forwards and to the edge of the table, grabbing the Mechanic’s legs so they could rest atop her shoulders and then pushing herself closer to the omega’s center, so much so that her nose pressed and pushed insistently over her clit.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Raven gritted out through the tight clench of her jaw, a long drawn out moan following right after when the Commander’s hot mouth enveloped her clit. The alpha didn’t wait to give her clit a slow, languid kiss, full of lips and tongue that made her eyes roll to the back of her head. Her hands fell back against the table as she tried to keep herself from collapsing backward, her toes curled as her leg involuntarily tightened around the back of the Commander’s neck, trapping her against her center.

She could feel herself fluttering uncontrollably, the muscles of her channel clenching and unclenching, begging to have something to squeeze over, burning with the need to be filled, but before she could tell the Commander what she needed the alpha nipped at her clit with her teeth and gave it a strong, long suck. Her eyes widened as her pleasure was shouted up to the wooden ceilings, her whole body tightened as it was assaulted by spasms and shudders, the strength of her orgasm thundering through her body, gushing out of her center and hitting the Commander’s chin.

Raven knew that at some point she had closed her eyes because when she opened them again a strong arm was tightly curled around her back, holding her up, and the talented mouth that had been at her center just moments ago was placing open mouthed kisses at her neck, moving up and up towards her ear. The Commander took her earlobe into her mouth and gave it a strong suck, making Raven shiver against the alpha’s chest.

“I needed to make sure you were ready,” The Commander whispered in her ear, her voice hoarse and rough with need. Raven then noticed a hardness against her center, moving up and down, nudging her clit and then moving lower towards her opening. The Commander was spreading her arousal all over her cock, making sure she wouldn’t hurt Raven when she finally entered her. “You are not in heat; I needed to make sure I won’t hurt you… too much.” The Commander said, accentuating her words by pulling at Raven’s earlobe with her teeth. Raven shivered once more, her body trembling helplessly against the Commander’s chest in anticipation. She knew the Commander’s cock was long and so very thick, well above average, there was no way the stretch wouldn’t sting, it had been easier when she was in heat, but without it, Raven would be filled like never before and the thought only made more wetness drip from her opening. “Are you ready for me?”

“Yes,” Raven gasped desperately, feeling the swollen head of the Commander’s cock settle at her entrance. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Raven said, her voice raspy and laced with pleasure as her hands traveled down to the curve of the Commander’s firm ass, her nails sinking on the warm flesh and pulling the alpha closer, forcing the head of her cock inside of her and making a deep moan fall from her lips.

“Fucking hell!” Raven cursed as her walls fought to adjust to the sudden intrusion. The pressure, the friction, the sheer heat of the Commander’s shaft inside of her, going slowly as deep as it could go as she tried her best not to hurt Raven.

At last, the base of the Commander’s cock pressed right over the Mechanic’s center, leaving the alpha’s cock buried all the way inside the Mechanic.

“Move, now!” Raven gasped, her eyes clenched shut, feeling like she would come just by the feel of the Commander’s cock alone. The alpha didn’t wait to be told twice, she picked up Raven’s good leg, holding it from under the knee and then pushing it up and away, giving herself more space to move while her free arm stayed curled around the Mechanic’s back.

The rutting became brutal and fast right away, just as the Commander knew Raven liked it. The strong muscles of her legs and ass moving back and forth quickly without relenting, letting her shaft rub against the omega’s front wall with each stroke.

Raven was reduced to incomprehensible cries and moans, her hands moving up from the Commander’s ass to hold onto her neck and shoulders, clinging onto her desperately as her head fell back to let out a string of curses. The Commander’s mouth was quick to latch onto her neck, knowing not to mark, but incapable of pulling away without leaving at least a sign of what she had done to the omega, her lips and tongue wouldn’t let up, sucking as hard as she could, biting hard enough to leave a mark without breaking skin. The sensations made goosebumps spread over Raven’s skin, there were very few places in her body as sensitive as that particular spot on her neck, the curve where it met her shoulder, and the Commander knew that well, as well as how much Raven loved a good bite.

Her walls clenched tight, milking the Commander for everything she had got, heat spreading all over her body as the alpha let go of her leg and nudged the pads of her fingers against her clit. Raven was suddenly gone, screaming her pleasure in the Commander’s ear as her back arched as far as it could go, leaving her chest pressed flush against the Commander’s, their breasts brushing against one another’s. The Commander was falling over the edge a few seconds later, spurt after spurt of her cum splashing against Raven’s walls and prolonging her orgasm, leaving the omega spent and boneless in the Commander’s arms, her body shaking with aftershocks for minutes to pass.

The alpha pulled away slightly, just enough to hold Raven’s limp head with her hands and deliver a slow, languid kiss to her mouth. Raven couldn’t help but whimper slightly into it, finding traces of her own essence in the Commander’s tongue, kissing back passionately, her hands burying in the alpha’s hair, pulling her impossibly closer until she couldn’t breathe.

“I’m sorry for jumping you like that,” Raven said breathlessly between kisses.

“Are you really?” The Commander asked, her hands trailing up the Mechanic’s back, smiling slightly at the shudder that followed.

“No, not at all.” Raven said with a smirk, “You looked so good in those training clothes, I couldn’t resist. I am just apologizing to try to be polite and all.”

“No need, it is always an honor to be allowed to be with you like this.” The Commander said, pressing one last kiss to the Mechanic’s lips before pulling away.

“It’s not every day I get to sleep with someone with a body like yours, but I imagine many omegas must throw themselves at you,” Raven said as she put her bra back on.

“They do, not because of my body, though.” The Commander said, helping Raven to her feet and then handing her her pants. The omega grimaced slightly when she noticed she would have to put them on without her underwear.

“Not because of your body?” Raven said, her tone and her facial expression indicating that the statement sounded completely ridiculous. “Then why?”

“They wish to carry Heda’s pups.” The Commander said as she finished binding her breasts, Raven didn’t miss the extra emphasis she put on her title.

“Ew, no offense, I just don’t imagine myself carrying children,” Raven said and the Commander slightly frowned. Raven noticed that there was no judgment in her face, only confusion.

“I don’t think I have ever heard an omega saying that before.”

“There’s a first for everything, I guess,” Raven said with a smirk. “Do you have a spare shirt I can borrow?” The Commander had completely destroyed hers.

“Of course,” The Commander said, reaching for a near chair, where a water skin, another towel, and a fresh shirt were placed. It seemed like the Commander always changed her shirt after training for a fresh one. She offered said shirt to Raven and stayed only in her bindings.

“Any chance we can have some food and then continue what we were doing just now?” Raven asked, she wouldn’t be able to think about anything else until the Commander at least put a shirt on. “I get it if you are busy, though.”

“That can be arranged.”

Raven smiled to herself, Polis would be fun, for sure.

…………………..

Raven rolled onto her back, still panting and trembling from her latest climax. The Commander laid by her side, the moon making the droplets of sweat rolling between her abs shine. Raven had the instant thought of running her tongue all over them, but her body didn’t react, she was completely spent and satisfied, she wouldn’t be able to move.

“Is there any particular reason why you don’t see yourself having pups?” The Commander asked breathlessly as she pulled the furs up to cover them both.

“I think I would ruin them,” Raven said, not wanting to get too into it. “What about you? Do you see yourself having children?”

“At one point I did, now I don’t.” The Commander said and Raven frowned slightly, wondering if it had anything to do with the story the Commander had told her about Costia.

“What do you mean?” Raven asked, trying to see if the Commander would give away more information.

“Commanders before me have had many children, during times of war very little aside from the fight matters, so they allowed themselves to indulge, which resulted in many children that would very rarely have a relationship with their sire. I have never been one to indulge in such things, not even in times of war, however, I had Costia, with whom I shared my body and my heart for the first time. With her, I hoped to have a family, maybe a child or two.” The Commander looked away from Raven, training her gaze to the ceiling. “Those foolish dreams died when she did. To be Commander is to be alone.”

“That’s bullshit!” Raven said, realizing what she had said and who she had said it to a moment after the words left her mouth. “No one deserves to be alone, not even you.”

“She was killed because she was mine, I won’t risk someone’s life like that ever again.” The Commander said calmly, Raven couldn’t possibly understand.

“I think the other person should have a say in the matter, if they want to risk it all to be with you then you have to let them.”

“I won’t let anything like that begin, I won’t put anyone else at risk. I am just another Commander, another vessel for my people and for their needs, my fight shall end soon enough and no one should be there to suffer through being in love with someone like me.” The Commander said slowly and Raven was left speechless. “I must try to get some rest, there are matters I need to attend to early tomorrow.”

“Sure. I guess I’ll just see myself out.” Raven muttered slowly, the Commander’s words still running all over her head.

“There’s no need, your body is spent. You may rest here.” The Commander said as she offered Raven her pillow.

“One is enough,” Raven said, pointing at the pillow that already was under her head. The Commander shook her head and lifted her bad leg, putting her pillow under it before lowering Raven’s leg onto it.

“For your leg.” The Commander said as she rolled onto her front and let her head rest flat against the furs. “Rest Raven.” She said, having already closed her eyes.

……………………….

Raven felt like she had only slept for two seconds when her eyes opened again. She couldn’t tell what had woken her until she felt the Commander move. Raven watched her with heavy eyelids, the Commander was moving as carefully as she could, clearly trying not to jostle the bed as to not wake up the omega. Raven assumed she was going to the bathroom, but that idea was quickly dismissed when she saw the Commander start getting dressed. She breathed in deeply, shoulders moving up and down heavily as she rubbed her eyes with the heel of her hands, letting out a jaw-cracking yawn in a clear sign of exhaustion before moving to a near water basin and washing her face.

“Where are you going?” Raven asked as she incorporated herself, pushing her body up with her arms.

“Training.” The Commander whispered. “Forgive me, I didn’t mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.”

Raven frowned, there was clarity to the sky, its tone varying in tones of grey and purple instead of the almost complete darkness of the night, but the sun didn’t seem to be coming out too soon.

“The sun isn’t even out yet and you were training just a few hours ago.”

“I must always be prepared, training is necessary, I can’t not go. Go to sleep, I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” The Commander said, moving closer to the bed and draping the furs over Raven’s body before leaving the room.

Raven had no choice but to do as she was told and a few hours later, when stupid sun rays filtered in and woke her up she found the Commander already dressed for the day in her armor, combing her wet hair.

Raven didn’t know why the sight frazzled her so much, but it did. The Commander was just sitting there, running a wooden comb down her dark waves of hair, fighting some knots every once in a while, and then just letting her fingers weave down between strands of hair, making sure there was no knot. The activity was so simple, so human, it made the Commander seem so normal, especially when her face would involuntarily shift into a grimace after facing a particularly stubborn knot. Raven couldn’t believe what she was seeing, the woman who had gone through the recovery of being ran through with a sword with barely a single complain, was grimacing, biting her lip and staring at her knotted hair as if it was personally offending her. In the back of her head, there was a voice telling her that she was being unreasonable, of course, the Commander was human! Raven just hadn’t had many chances to see her as such, to see her facing a mundane task that most human beings faced on an everyday basis. For one brief second Raven felt as if she was looking at her for the first time.

“Did you sleep well?” The Commander asked after a few minutes, feeling Raven’s gaze on the back of her neck.

“Yeah, I am still a little tired, though.” And sore, Raven thought. They had spent most of the night having sex and she was not in heat, even with the Commander’s care her center had needed some time to adjust.

“You may continue sleeping, I will arrange your first meeting with the woodworkers and blacksmiths for the afternoon.” The Commander said, her fingers doing quick work of her hair, twisting it into familiar braids.

“That sounds perfect. How is the whole project thing going to work out?” Raven asked.

“You will be leading it. My people can’t read the designs you sent, they understand parts of them, but others require your insight. You will have a translator which will help you communicate with the blacksmiths, builders, and woodworkers, they will do as you tell them to. The idea is that you help the woodworkers and blacksmiths make the parts of the park so then you can help the builders put them together.”

“Yeah, having all the parts ready would make things easier, I just think it would be better if I take a look at the land first. I designed the park assuming that the land is flat, if it isn’t, I would need to make some adjustments to the design.” Raven said, hoping that the Commander wouldn’t be upset with a change in her plans.

“Of course, things will be done as you see fit.” The Commander said, not a doubt in her voice, her face relaxed as she continued to work on her braids. Raven knew the Commander’s hairdo was very elaborate, and the fact that she could do it all on her own without even using a mirror to see what she was doing was thoroughly impressive.

“So, I can check out the land this afternoon and meet the woodworkers and blacksmiths tomorrow.”

“Of course, I’ll have the meeting arranged for you.”

  ………………………………..

Everything continued to progress smoothly, Raven was unsure about leading the project because in Skaikru omegas weren’t typically leaders and alphas would more often than not throw a fit if they were ever ordered around by an omega, but the group of people that were put under her disposition to carry out the project never batted an eye at being ordered around by her, either because they were accustomed to having omegas in leadership positions, or because they knew the Commander wouldn’t be pleased if they disrespected Raven. The Mechanic didn’t know why exactly they went along with her orders and she didn’t care, she was just happy to see things work out.

In only a couple of days the woodworkers had all the parts of the park necessary, during that time Raven spent her nights in the Commander’s room, when morning came the Commander would usually be taking care of her duties well before Raven woke up, meaning that they would meet again hours later during lunch time, by that time Raven would be pretty sore after spending most of the last couple of hours on her feet, but also happy about the progress being made. The Commander would subtly ask how the workers were doing and how Raven felt, surely, to fix whatever issue that might be occurring, but Raven didn’t have anything to complain about. 

Things changed when all the parts were good to go and they were ready to put them together. Raven was sure that with the number of people involved it would be pretty quick, especially because she had explained the design she had made and the most experienced ones were able to understand most of what was in them. What changed things was the apparition of the Commander in the working site, dressed in a simple shirt and tight leather pants.

She expressed her willingness to help and at once Raven’s internal struggle started. Watching the Commander carry around pieces of wood, biceps bulging and beads of sweat pooling on the hollow of her collarbones had Raven’s gut clenching and a familiar tingling developing in her core. You will have her tonight, you will have her tonight, you will have her tonight, Raven chanted in her head, but that only brought thoughts of the Commander naked, breathing heavily on top of her as she rolled her hips just the way Raven liked. She tried really hard to keep her composure, squeezing her legs and avoiding looking in the Commander’s direction. It was to no avail; her thoughts were running wild and before she knew it her pheromones were flaring.

She noticed the shift in the air, the way the alphas glanced towards her before their bodies tensed and they forced themselves to look away. She was definitely not in Skaikru. All the alphas around made sure to focus on their tasks even more intensely than before to make sure they wouldn’t move towards her, that they wouldn’t disrespect her.

“Raven.” The Commander said, her tone strong, but quiet enough for only the omega to hear her. Maybe there was another reason why the alphas around were so quick to take their eyes away from her, Lexa’s scent was a statement on its own, she was letting them know who was the strongest among the group and that if any of them would have the omega, it would be her. “Walk with me.”

Raven nodded mutely. They walked past the clearing and towards a spot where the trees were denser, blocking their view from whoever might be trying to see what they were doing. The Commander’s guards were probably close, but also far enough to not be seen, Raven knew well that they would turn the blind eye if they were required to, after all, they had seen her go in and out of the Commander’s room and they never said anything.

“You are aroused.” The Commander stated, green eyes shining in the afternoon sun as she looked back at Raven. Her shirt had gotten sweaty enough to stick to her body, leaving very little to the imagination.

“I am,” Raven responded bluntly, she took a step closer to the Commander and ran the tip of her finger over a tattooed bicep. Unconsciously, muscles flexed under her touch and the muscles of her core tightened once again. “You know your body affects me.” She was letting out enough pheromones to drown them both, the only moment where they would be stronger was heat, but they did the desired job and Raven was soon able to see the swell of the Commander’s cock pushing against her pants.

“I am wearing a shirt this time.” The Commander said, one eyebrow arched. Raven looked up at her, smirk firmly in place.

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t need you to take it off to see you naked anymore,” Raven whispered, taking another step closer, so close that her breath was hitting the Commander’s lips. “My mind is doing all the work.”

Suddenly they were kissing, fast and deep like they were about to get caught. The Commander grabbed her from around the waist and pressed her flush against her body, stepping forwards until Raven’s back crashed against a tree. The small yelp that crawled up her throat after the unexpected hit was swallowed by the Commander’s mouth, who swiftly ran her tongue over the roof of her mouth, making Raven’s eyes roll to the back of her head.

The Commander started bucking her hips expertly, rubbing the hard curve of her shaft right against Raven’s clit. The omega gasped in pleasure, wishing for her clothes to simply vanish. She kept her eyes shut tightly, biting the Commander’s bottom lip hard to try and muffle the moans that wanted to tumble out of her mouth.

The Commander quickly sneaked a hand under the hem of her shirt, running her fingers over her abdomen and then down towards the edge of her pants. In seconds the button was being popped open and a moment later the Commander’s warm hand was cupping her center, middle finger burying between her lower lips to press against the wet heat that radiated from her core.

 The Commander let out a rumbling groan, never expecting her to be so very wet.

“You are so ready for me.” The Commander whispered in her ear, running her soft lips down the side of Raven’s neck.

“Always,” Raven whispered back, her eyes opening wide in surprise when her pants and underwear ended being yanked down. They didn’t get very far down, having gotten caught by her brace.

The Commander paid it no mind, making Raven face the trunk of the tree. The omega’s hands instantly moved to hold onto the rough bark, her body entirely at the Commander’s mercy when the alpha pulled her hips back, making her bend slightly, her ass bare in the open air. 

With her pants still on and stuck halfway down her thighs, Raven couldn’t part her legs as much as she would have wanted to, but the fabric allowed her to move her legs just enough for the Commander to press her cock right at her opening.

Raven never thought that she would get fucked against a tree, she never thought that she would claw at the rough bark and hold on for dear life as the Commander’s shaft buried all the way inside of her. She never thought her eyes would roll back in her head at the feeling of a calloused palm clamping over her mouth, trying to muffle her moans and cries of pleasure to keep the attention of unwanted eyes away from them.

The last thought made her realize that the Commander’s guards were probably watching them, were watching as the Heda drove back her hips, letting every single inch of her shaft, except for the head, meet the open air, before thrusting back in as hard as she could. The Commander could quiet the sounds Raven was making, but the omega knew there was no way to silence the resounding slap of the Commander’s hips against her ass. It was constant, sharp, brutal, each slap sending vibrations through every fiber of the omega’s body, making her walls clench and unclench rapidly around the alpha’s cock, sucking her in like they never wanted to let go.

Raven could feel it, the stiff rod pushing in and out of her nudged that spot on her front wall that made her toes curl. Pleasure was coiling tight in her stomach, burning bright and all-consuming as the Commander trailed her free hand up Raven’s toned abdomen and towards her breasts. The alpha pushed the bra up and out of the way, palming Raven’s breast roughly, kneading it with her fingers and expertly massaging it. She took her time, running her fingers over the areola while avoiding the hardened nipple. Raven frowned in frustration, desperate to feel the Commander’s fingers where she needed them. The Omega did what she could to get the alpha’s attention by licking the palm of the hand that was still over her mouth. Her action seemed to do the trick because soon enough the Commander was rubbing her nipple, pinching it and later giving it sharp little tugs. A cry of frustration tore out of Raven’s throat and was muffled by the Commander’s hand when the alpha removed her hand from the Mechanic breast altogether.

Her frustration didn’t last long, though. Before she knew it, the Commander’s hand was cupping her center, the very tips of her fingertips pressed against her clit in tight circles and in a matter of seconds Raven was falling apart, screaming her throat raw against the Commander’s hand.

Waves upon waves of pleasure crashed over her body, sending heat up and down her nerve endings. The all-consuming sensation left her weak at the knees, relying on the tree and the Commander’s arms for support.

The Commander was pumping her hips gently, helping Raven ride her orgasm while the last spurts of her come left the tip of her cock.

“Will that help you wait until sunset?” The Commander asked quietly as she pressed soft kisses to the sides of Raven’s neck.

“No,” Raven exclaimed, feeling the Commander smile against her skin in amusement at her response. She wished she could have seen that smile; she had never seen the Commander truly smile before.

“The builders require your guidance to build the park.” The Commander said, her lips attached to the Mechanic’s neck.

“They are not stupid; they can figure it out.” Raven murmured, already getting worked up again, she knew she would have little hickeys over the back of her neck, and she was about to tell the Commander to suck harder when the alpha pulled away from her altogether.

Raven groaned at the loss, but soon the Commander had her by the hips and was turning her around so they were face to face, she pressed Raven gently against the tree trunk, the gesture the complete opposite of what she had done mere moments ago, and then she moved her hands under the Mechanic’s shirt. Raven thought the Commander would go for her breasts, but no, she went for her bra and accommodated it for her. She did the same for her pants and underwear, pulling them both up and buttoning Raven’s pants. When the Commander looked up from what she was doing the omega was staring back at her with a pout.

“There’s only a couple of hours left before we lose light, let’s work as much as we can, the sooner we finish this the sooner we can do other things. I did say I would show you around the city.” The Commander said and Raven frowned.

“Oh, I thought ‘other things’ was cue for having sex,” Raven said, and the Commander’s lips turned up slightly at the corners.

“You are insatiable.”

“So what? Can’t keep up with me, Heda?” Raven said, trying to get a rise out of the Commander, trying to make her have her way with her again. Raven didn’t even care they were out in the open, she liked sex too much, and she liked sex with the Commander even more.

“You know that is not the case.” The Commander responded calmly, knowing well what Raven was doing. The Omega should have known that wouldn’t work.

“You are still hard,” Raven said, her pupils completely blown as she reached down to hold the Commander’s cock.

“It will go soft eventually if you stop touching it.” The Commander said, her tone evidently reprimanding. Raven pouted again and tucked the shaft under the Commander tight shorts, arranging her pants properly for her and then, just because she could, she gave the swelling cock a soft pat. The Commander’s breath hitched for a second and she took a step back, her eyes finding a smirk on Raven’s face.

“You want me, too,” Raven stated, not giving up quite yet.

“Of course I do, Raven. I enjoy making you come, but we have work to do.” 

Raven groaned loudly, how was she supposed to not be aroused when the Commander said things like that.

“You work all the time, let’s have fun while we can, or are you not enjoying yourself?” Raven said hesitantly, maybe the Commander just wasn’t that into it, maybe she didn’t find her as attractive as Raven found her.

“It is nothing like that, I hadn’t touched anyone in years until you. I have enjoyed myself; we just can’t leave our work unattended; we have the night to let ourselves indulge.”

Raven froze at the words, in years. 

“You don’t mean since Costia, right?” Raven asked, her eyes widening, sex fleeing from her mind.

“I do.” The Commander said simply, her face blank, like it was nothing when they both knew it had to mean something.

“If you don’t want this you can tell me,” Raven said honestly, seriously. “You don’t have to keep doing this just because I want it. I love sex, but I can keep it together.”

“Even if I take my shirt off?” The Commander asked, one eyebrow arched, and Raven was startled by the fact that she was making a joke. She wondered if the Commander did that with anyone else, and then she remembered the letters, no one joked with the Commander, so the Commander didn’t joke with anyone.

“I am really happy to see that you can make jokes, I really am, but right now I'm trying to be serious. If I am making you uncomfortable in any way then you need to tell me so I can stop.” Raven said, feeling slightly worried. Thoughts started firing off in her brain, the Commander hadn’t initially wanted to share her heat with her, but Raven had insisted, just like she had insisted just moments ago, was she violating the Commander in some way? Was she making her do things she didn’t want to do?

“Raven, look at me.” The Commander said, moving closer and holding Raven’s face in her hands as if she could see her thoughts spiraling. “Your body and your scent, they both call to me. I enjoy watching you come and I enjoy being the one provoking it, I enjoy having you in my bed and I find you beautiful. Having sex with you is not making me uncomfortable, it is the only thing I have done for personal pleasure in years.”

“You could have anyone, why me?” Raven asked. The Commander breathed in deeply and let her arms fall to her sides.

“Because I know you could never fall for me the way Costia did, you could never love me, and that will keep you safe.”

Raven processed the words, she understood them and she saw complete and utter honesty in the Commander’s eyes, meaning that she believed the words she had just said with every fiber of her being. Those words threw her off, made her feel unsettled, and she found herself at a loss of what to say next.

“Right,” Raven muttered. She sounded upset to Lexa and the Commander believed it was due to the fact she hadn’t given into spending the afternoon having sex with Raven.

“Let’s negotiate, let’s go back to work now and tomorrow I will not assist my morning training, we can enjoy each other for as long as you like, I will help you find your pleasure in whatever way you want me to.” The Commander said, looking back at Raven expectantly.

The omega forced her mind to kick back into gear and offered the Commander one of her typical smirks.

“You wouldn’t be skipping training though; you will just be working out in a different way.”

“Of course, let’s go back to work now, yes?”

Raven only nodded her head, following the Commander back to the clearing.

………………………..

Raven and the Commander were walking around the markets, the alpha taking what little spare time she had to show Raven the city. And okay, Raven had to admit, that maybe walking around the city instead of taking the Commander back to bed was worth it, just maybe.

“This place is so cool,” Raven said with a big smile, her eyes not quite knowing where to land. “It feels like it is vibrating with energy.”

The Commander nodded her head, smiling to herself as she watched Raven walk around. They tried to stop in as many stalls as they could and Raven had the best time of her life trying all the different foods. They had different smells and tastes and textures, so very different from the bland food she was used to.

“Here, try this.” The Commander said as they stood in front of a stall that sold pastries. 

The pastry was a tiny little thing, Raven could probably fit two or three of them in the palm of her hand, the crust was perfect and golden and when she bit into it the insides were soft and flavor exploded all over her mouth.

“Oh my god.” Raven moaned shamelessly as she continued to chew, her eyes wide as sources. The Commander looked very proud of herself as she took one of the small pastries for herself and put it in her mouth.

“Those are Heda’s favorites.” The Woman said with a smile, surprising Raven with her broken English. She was probably in her early fifties and her face was covered with laugh lines, she looked content and happy.

“No surprise, these are amazing, what’s inside of them?” Raven asked, regarding the dark purple filling of her pastry.

“A very rare kind of berry, we only have it for a short time every year. When Heda was only a yongon, she would eat an entire basket filled with the fruit.” The woman said and Raven watched the Commander’s ears turn pink for a moment. 

“I’m sure she still does that,” Raven said, visibly amused, “Now she just hides inside the tower where no one can see her.”

The woman let out a small laugh and then proceeded to fill a tiny basket with a few pieces of all the different kinds of pastries she had up for trade.

“For you, Skai Gada.” The woman said, offering the basket to Raven, who instantly started shaking her head.

“Oh, no, please, I can’t accept this, I don’t have anything to give you.”

The woman didn’t listen and practically shoved the small basket in Raven’s hands.

“Enjoy,” the woman said with a smile.

“Here,” The Commander said, taking a knife seemingly out of nowhere. A couple of people around them gasped and even the woman’s eyes opened wide.

“There’s no need, Heda, no need,” The woman said, repeatedly shaking her head. The Commander shook her head and put her knife in the woman’s hand, squeezing it gently before pulling away.

“There’s no way for me to repay your kindness, if you won’t take this for the pastries then please accept this as a gift,” The Commander said and the woman’s eyes widened further before she started nodding quickly.

“But please, Heda, take more of the pastries you like, this knife is worth much more.”

“I can’t say no to that offer,” The Commander said, offering the woman a smile. She instantly started filling another small basket with only the pastries she knew the Heda loved, giving it to her a moment later.

“I will ask my sons to try and find you more berries, Heda,” The woman said and the Commander’s face softened even further.

“Thank you,” The Commander said, bowing her head down just slightly.

Raven watched the scene, a certain kind of warmth fluttering in her gut. She knew there was some kindness in the Commander, she had seen it when she had been in heat with how the Commander had taken care of her and had made sure she was comfortable and healthy, but seeing it again, so out in the open, over something that was so very small, was indescribable. The Commander didn’t demand things from her people, didn’t use her title to get what she wanted, even if her people refused to take things from her, she would insist on giving them something in return, in making the trade as fair as possible. Raven didn’t think someone that appeared to be so cold and so detached could actually be so humble and so kind.

They walked around the people and Raven watched the Commander interact with them, never looking annoyed at the constant interruptions, she let them touch her and received all the gifts the people had for her. She stopped to listen to what they had to say and she offered words in return, Raven couldn’t really understand, but there was always this sense of relief in their faces after the Commander spoke with them.

After some time, Raven’s leg started getting quite sore, she ached to finish the tour of the markets so she pushed on, trying to ignore the pain and focusing on the what she was seeing. After a moment the Commander put a hand on her arm to stop her walking and Raven looked up at her in confusion.

“What is it?” Raven asked, and the Commander looked at her with a very subtle pinch between her brow.

“I was wondering if you wanted to sit down and have some food.”

“So soon?” Raven asked, knowing that there was some time before dinner. The Commander seemed torn for a moment, hesitant about what she was about to say.

“I have noticed that your limp has gotten slightly more pronounced, we don’t need to finish the tour around the markets today, we can come another day before you leave.”

“I can keep walking, really.” Raven insisted, feeling slightly self-conscious.

“I know and we can, I am only suggesting that we have a glass of ale and some food if you want to keep walking after then we will.” The Commander said and Raven relented, nodding her head.

They walked just a little bit further, which let Raven know that the Commander had steered them in that direction a while ago, and in moments they had entered a house that resembled a pub, tables, and chairs were spread around in the spacious place, but it was pretty empty, it wasn’t even sundown yet, so Raven assumed that people weren’t looking to get drunk so early.

The Commander pulled a chair out for Raven, helping her sit before pulling a chair out for herself. The owner was with them in seconds, eyes wide and mouth agape as he quickly brushed his hands over his beard, trying to make himself look more presentable.

“Heda, welcome.” The man said, bowing deeply. The Commander exchanged some words with him, words that Raven couldn’t understand, before leaving quickly, returning mere seconds later with a tall glass of ale and settling it in front of Raven, none for the Commander.

“Wait, you aren’t having one?” Raven asked and the Commander shook her head.

“No, it is unwise for me to indulge in such a way, you have a drink, I ordered the best ale for you, food will be coming soon.”

“One glass will do you no harm,” Raven said, she knew enough from the letters and from the owners reaction to assume  that the Commander had probably never set foot in that place before, she had only done it because Raven needed a rest and the omega was sure there was no other person in the 13 clans that needed a break more than the Commander. “If you are not training you are in a meeting, if you are not in a meeting you are solving your people’s problems, if you are not doing that you are teaching the Nightbloods, and if you are not doing that you are taking care of some skirmish petty people got into over probably nothing, you get to have a glass of ale, you need to rest for a moment.”

“A Commander does not rest.”

The response was instantaneous, no thought, no feeling, just the way she had been raised, the way she had been taught to act.

“All humans need rest, doesn’t matter who they are. So, either you have a glass with me, or this ale will go to waste.” Raven said, fixing the Commander with a hard stare. They stayed like that for a couple of long seconds, both firm, unwavering, unwilling to give in, until finally the Commander let out a long sigh and called the owner. Soon, another glass of ale was placed in front of the alpha and Raven was smiling from ear to ear.

“See? You had a sip of ale and the world didn’t burst into flames.” Raven said and the Commander shook her head, hiding the small upturn of her lips behind her glass. “You should do that more often.”

“What?” The Commander asked in confusion, she had been only looking back at Raven, doing nothing else.

“Smile,” Raven said, watching as the tip of the Commander’s ears instantly turned red. “The whole dark brooding look works for you, it really does, it’s very hot, but that little smile I just got a glimpse of it’s definitely one of my favorite looks of yours.”

“So, you have many?” The Commander asked, head slightly tilted to the side, a small smirk on her face.

“Many what?” Raven asked, after taking a few gulps of the ale, it was cool and tasted very nice, much better than the moonshine she was used to having, of course, they were fairly different.

“Many favorite looks of mine.”

“Oh, yes,” Raven said, her smirk getting bigger. “You in training gear, slightly sweaty and breathless, you in builder mode, those biceps of yours bulging as you carry wood for sure make my mouth water. You in your Commander attire, looking all pristine and perfect, makes me want to do something so you don’t look so pristine and perfect… if you know what I mean.” Raven’s eyebrows moved up and down, her tone getting low and heavy with her insinuation. The Commander shook her head and leaned back on her chair, she was amused, Raven could see it in her eyes. “Completely naked has to be my favorite look, though.”

Lexa was glad she hadn’t been drinking when Raven said that because if she had the liquid would have surely gone down the wrong pipe, she could feel her ears getting very hot and she knew they were surely tinted red. She couldn’t help it, she was not used to being around someone like Raven, someone with such a free way of speech, that didn’t hold back and that cared very little about being proper around her.

“I must say your ass is absolutely gorgeous, I love holding onto it when you are f-” Raven was abruptly cut off by the Commander clearing her throat loudly, a moment later the owner of the pub was standing next to them with plates of food in his hands. He placed them in front of each one of them and quickly walked away, not wanting to get in the way.

Raven looked back at the Commander with a challenge in her eyes, waiting to be reprimanded by her very improper comments. She wanted to get a rise out of the Commander, get under her skin, make her be something other than calm and composed, she thought she would get what she was looking for when the Commander leaned against the table. Raven mimicked her movement, daring the Commander with her eyes to tell her off for what she had been saying.

“I must say, Raven,” the Commander began, her face closed off. Raven was ready, she wasn’t scared, she could get chastised, but the Commander wouldn’t tie her to a tree, would she? “that I find your ass to be lovely, as well.”

Raven’s eyes opened wide, her mouth parting slightly in shock as she let the Commander response sink in, she would have never expected the Commander to say anything like that. She let out a short laugh and leaned back in her chair, bringing the glass of ale back to her lips.

“Good to know,” Raven said at last. “My ass greatly values your appreciation.”

The Commander nodded, taking in the smile on the omega’s face.

“Have your meal, Raven, the meat will get cold.”

Raven nodded, her smile of pleasant surprise still firmly in place.

……………………

That night Raven was woken up by a strong kick on her bad leg, her eyes opened while a grimace took over her features. She was confused, the Commander was a good person to sleep next to, hardly moved at all in her sleep and located herself far enough on the mattress that another person could probably fit in between them.

That night was different, though, her breathing was harsh and her face was scrunched up, beads of sweat running down her temples as her limbs tensed, pushing violently in all directions. She was having a nightmare, that was obvious, but Raven was still having a hard time processing the situation, seeing the Commander displaying so much emotion was making her brain short circuit. There was so much pain, so much anguish in her expression, things that she didn’t think the Commander was capable of feeling, things that she knew the Commander wouldn’t willingly express.

Raven did her best to wake her, shaking her, calling both her name and her title, until the Commander sat up abruptly, her body shaking with every breath she took. She turned to look at Raven, eyes red-rimmed and wet, but stubbornly keeping the tears from falling. She looked away fast, visibly ashamed, trying to keep Raven from seeing the expression on her face and before Raven could do anything, she was swinging her legs off the bed, grabbing her undershirt from the floor and putting it on, finding her underwear next and getting into it before walking towards the door.

Raven was at a lost, having not expected such a reaction.

“Hey, wait!” Raven said as she rushed to get up from the bed, she forgot she hadn’t put her brace on, unsurprisingly her leg failed her and she fell to the floor.

The sound made the Commander stiffen and turn around, quickly moving towards Raven and picking her up gently from the ground. Raven could feel the agitated beat of her heart; she could feel her harsh breathing and the trembles that had taken over her body as the Commander lowered onto the bed once more. The alpha moved to leave again and Raven latched onto her arm, stopping her and hoping the Commander would not respond violently, she knew many alphas would, especially when an omega was trying to stop them from doing what they wanted.

The Commander froze at Raven’s contact, not moving, but not looking at her either, her eyes on the floor.

“I know you don’t want me to see you like this and I understand that, but this is your room, if you want to be on your own then I should be the one to leave, not you,” Raven said, trying to keep her voice calm and steady. “However, this is not something you should be ashamed of, I am sure you have seen a fair share of ugly things, would be weird if you didn’t have a nightmare every once in a while.”

“A Commander can’t be weak.” She said, removing her arm from Raven’s hold, but not moving to leave the room.

“She can and she should, it means she has feelings and that she is not a coward, she won’t run away from them, right?”

“I won’t have to run away from them if I don’t have them.” The Commander responded and Raven frowned.

“You are a person, not an object, it is unnatural if not impossible for you to not have feelings.” Raven insisted, never moving her gaze away from the Heda’s, trying to make her understand.

“You thought I didn’t have them, you thought me heartless, didn’t you? Maybe you still think so.” The Commander responded and Raven stiffened, looking away for just a second. That was enough for the Commander to know that she was right. “I understand, Raven, you do not need to feel bad for thinking that way, that is how a Commander should be.”

“No, I was wrong, that’s it.” Raven tried, feeling stupid for having thought that at all. “Having feelings is not a bad thing, it is not something we should run away from, even if they are the kind that hurt, we still have to face them.”

“I am not any person, Raven, I can do what I need to do for my people if I have feelings getting in the way.”

“It doesn’t matter, you will have them, you will always have them and if you try to bury them, to hold them back just so you can keep a facade of being above it all, then one day they will rush back to the surface and you won’t be able to stop them and believe me, that is going to be way worse.”

The Commander sighed, her shoulders falling from their tense position, relaxing just slightly. Raven relaxed as well, knowing that this was a win, maybe the Commander didn’t exactly share her beliefs, but at least she was somewhat receptive.

“What will you have me do, then?”

“Just lay down,” Raven said and the Commander did as told, moving back towards her side of the bed and laying down, leaving plenty of space between herself and Raven. “Can you tell me about your dream?”

“No,” The Commander said immediately. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“Okay, okay,” Raven said, not wanting to pressure, knowing that the Commander was still affected by her dream. “I will help you not think about it, is there something you want me to talk to you about?”

“In my last letter, I asked what are you passionate about other than the work you do.”

“Oh yes, I didn’t answer that, I just came here instead. Well, I think I am passionate about many things, but my biggest passion after my work has to be the stars.”

“The stars?” The Commander asked, confused.

“Yeah,” Raven said with a big smile, her belly filling with excitement at the prospect of telling someone about something she loved. “Would you like me to tell you about them?”

“Yes, I’d like that.”

As Raven began to speak, she couldn’t help but wonder who would help the Commander with her nightmares once she left, who had been there for her before to distract her from her pain and help her think about something else. 

Raven couldn’t help but wonder if she was always forced to face her demons alone.

Slowly, way after Raven’s throat was raw and dry from how much she had spoken, the Commander began to fall asleep. Raven realized then, that even if she had spent the night with the Commander many times, she had never seen her fall asleep before, either she fell asleep first, or the Commander would be facing away from her. But that night the Commander was on her side, her head resting on her own arm after she had given her pillow to Raven. She had been listening attentively, quietly at first, then asking a few questions here and there when she had managed to calm down. Then, she got quiet again for an entirely different reason, she was exhausted, her eyelids would dangerously start falling over her eyes before she shook herself awake, slightly startled and blinking quickly. Raven just let her be, she just kept talking until the Commander couldn’t keep her eyes open anymore, her limbs loosened and her breathing evened out.

Raven continued speaking for a few more minutes, just to make sure the Commander would stay asleep, and only then, when she was sure, she closed her own eyes and let the alpha’s calm breathing lull her back to sleep.

…………………………………

The next day, Lana, the handmaiden, entered the Commander’s quarters with a worried frown on her face.

Raven had managed to wake up before the Commander, another first, and she was just lying on the furs, dozing lazily. The Commander had told her she would skip training in the morning and to stay with her, but the Mechanic had decided not to wake her, they had stayed up late into the night having sex anyway, and there was also the nightmare, she understood if the Commander was tired and she had no intention of waking her up.

“What is it?” Raven asked quietly, trying to keep her voice as low as possible.

“The Commander is still asleep.” She said, her frown deepening.

“Yes, and?”

“I heard her having a nightmare, she never sleeps after having a nightmare.” The handmaiden said and Raven instantly frowned, the Commander’s wellbeing was none of her business, but the slight worry bubbling in her gut apparently hadn’t gotten that memo.

“Do they happen often?”

The handmaiden tilted her head to the side, feeling unsure of how to respond.

“She can spend months without nightmares and then have them almost every day for weeks,” Lana said and Raven nodded in understanding.

Just then the Commander stirred, the sunlight falling over her face seemed to annoy her and she rolled over, giving them her back. Raven watched her back move up and down with a deep breath before she settled again.

“It is almost breakfast time, she has a meeting, if she isn’t in attendance Titus will come to look for her instead.” 

Oh, Raven thought, that didn’t sound too good, wouldn’t be nice for the Commander to start getting shit so early in the morning.

“Okay, can you prepare her bath while I wake her up?” Raven asked. The handmaiden nodded quickly, seeming happy for having something to do and leaving towards the bathroom straight away.

Raven secured the furs over her bare chest and moved closer to the Commander, placing a hand on her shoulder and shaking slightly. The Commander’s eyes opened at once, wide and alert.

“Hey, everything is fine, it’s just me,” Raven whispered, the Commander registered her presence and nodded, sitting up and rubbing her eyes with the heel of her hands.

“Forgive me, Raven, I seem to have overslept.” The Commander said, her tone and the way she looked around her room telling Raven that that had probably hadn’t happened in a very long time. “I know I told you I would skip training and spend that time with you instead.”

“It’s fine, we had plenty of fun last night, you needed the sleep. Lana mentioned something about a meeting so I asked her to prepare a bath for you.” Raven said and the Commander nodded, rubbing her eyes once more. Her shoulders were slightly hunched and her eyes were just a little red, dark shadows developing under them. Raven bit onto her bottom lip, feeling unsure of her actions, maybe she shouldn’t keep the Commander up for most of the night just to have sex with her, the alpha was obviously not getting enough sleep.

“Thank you,” The Commander said and Raven nodded with a shrug.

“It’s fine, you should thank Lana, she is the one actually preparing the bath.”

“No, not for that, for last night.” The Commander said, looking away for a moment, Raven recognized the action for what it was, the Commander was feeling self-conscious, maybe even a little ashamed. “I don’t usually sleep after a bad dream, but last night… hearing you talk to me, it helped.”

“Oh,” Raven said, not expecting the Commander to reveal that information herself. “It’s fine, really, I don’t know if you could tell but I can talk about the stars for hours, I love it.”

“Yes, I noticed,” The Commander said, the corner of her mouth giving a small twitch. “I would like to hear more about them.”

“Sure, whenever you want,” Raven said, awkwardly.

The moment was broken by Lana, the woman came into the room and told the Heda her bath was ready.

“Feel free to ask Lana for whatever you need, yes?”

“Yeah, sure, go get ready before Titus comes to bother us with a stick stuck up his butt,” Raven said and this time she got a tiny smile in reward, the Commander nodded her head and left towards the bathroom, telling Lana to make sure Raven would have everything she needed.

Raven laid back on the bed, pulling the furs up to her shoulders and closing her eyes.

She couldn’t stop her mind from spinning.if the Commander never slept after a nightmare and if she could have them for weeks in a row, then how many sleepless nights did she spend hurting and alone?

Raven rolled onto her side and clutched her eyes shut. The Commander, her nightmares and her pain…  _ none  _ of her business.

…………………………..

Raven didn’t see the Commander for the rest of the day, she didn’t see her at lunch and she didn’t see them at the clearing where they were building the part. Raven assumed she would see her at dinner, but apparently just before the Commander could sit down and eat a problem had developed in a near village and the Commander had been forced to leave.

Raven sat at dinner on her own, having ditched Kane, not really up for talking to anyone and annoyed because she couldn’t tell the reason behind her bad mood.

“A gift from Heda,” Lana said as she placed a small wooden box on the table Raven was sitting at.

“What?” Raven asked, as if she hadn’t understood what the woman had said.

“Heda was forced to leave in a rush, she wanted to give this to you in person but she couldn’t, she is not sure when she is going to be back so she left it with me this afternoon.” 

Raven didn’t say anything else; she picked the box up and opened it. Inside there was a folded piece of parchment, Raven picked it up and saw what was lying underneath. A bracelet, made out of black cord and a flat and circular piece of wood, small too, probably about 3 centimeters in diameter. The wood was engraved with a beautifully detailed sun, Raven couldn’t stop herself from running her thumb over the surface of the little piece of wood, feeling the indentations where the wood had been carved to give life to the design. Raven was in awe of its beauty; it was so detailed and delicate. She didn’t wait to put it on and secured it around her wrist, picking up the piece of parchment and unfolding it, easily recognizing the Commander’s handwriting.

_ Raven, _

_ I was marveled to learn that the sun is a star, it is still shocking to look at it and think it is a star. I would have never known if you hadn’t shared that information with me.  _

_ Accept this bracelet as a thank you for helping me last night and as an apology for not being able to see you tonight. I do not know when I will be back, but I will do my best to get there for the park opening. _

_ Please, forgive the quality of the bracelet, it’s been quite some time since I last did carving on wood. I did the best I could with the little time I found myself having this afternoon, I hope that is enough for you to somewhat like it. _

_ I will do what I can to make my way back to the Capital soon. _

_ Farewell, _

_ Commander Lexa Kom Trikru. _

 

Raven just sat there, the letter in her hand, the bracelet secured around her wrist, and a sweet smile on her face.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter had to be cut in half becasue of the lenght, so I am sorry if the ending seems a little abrupt, you can expect more Polis fun next chapter.
> 
> Sorry if the smut sucked, it really isn't my strong suit, don't think there is going to be much more of those scenes in the next couple of chapters.
> 
> Thank you for reading, for leaving comments and kudos, you all have been really sweet. Thank you so much.
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone here is reading my other story and is wondering why I updated this one first, I just have a lot of this story pre-written so it makes it easier and quicker to update. The next chapter of build me a happy ending is already in the works, so, sorry about the delay on that one.
> 
> I apologize for all the mistakes, I was kind of falling asleep while reading over this.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

“I can appreciate this look on you,” Raven said, a small smirk spreading across her face as she watched the Commander standing in the middle of her room, dripping all over the place. Raven didn’t need to wonder about what had happened, the raging storm outside and the Commander’s current state were telling enough.

 

It was kind of amusing to see Lana standing behind the Commander, doing her best to dry her hair, or at least remove some of the excess of water.

 

“Raven, it is quite late, don’t you require rest?” The Commander asked, dabbing her face with another towel. Raven stepped further inside the room, standing right in front of the alpha.

 

“No, I have been able to rest more in your absence,” the omega said, her tone suggestive, she had spent the last two nights actually sleeping instead of having sex. 

 

“Were all your needs tended to in my absence?” The Commander asked, and Raven saw Lana’s eyes move from the Commander’s hair and towards her for a fleeting second.

 

“Yes, Lana barely left my side, I told her she didn’t need to follow me around but she insisted, that’s how I knew you were back, she was taking away some of the food I didn’t manage to eat from dinner when she was called to tend to you,” Raven said, moving forwards to unclasp the Commander’s shoulder pauldron. A tiny grimace flew across the Commander’s face, fast and almost invisible, Raven wouldn’t have seen it if she hadn’t been standing so close. She also knew the show of emotion would have never happened if the Commander had been able to predict her actions, but Raven moving forwards, Raven unclasping the pauldron and moving it off the Commander’s shoulder wasn’t something the alpha expected. “Are you hurt?”

 

“Not any longer, my shoulder is back in place,” The Commander said, her wording alone making the Mechanic grimace.

 

“It was out of place?” Raven asked, though the answer was obvious.

 

“Yes, dislocated, it is back in place now.”

 

“How is wearing this a good idea, then?” Raven asked, the heavy pauldron still in her hands.

 

“It is an old injury, my shoulder is always unstable, in danger of moving out of place. The pauldron offers some protection, support, helps me keep it where it is supposed to be,” The Commander said simply, “With time it has become a symbol of my position, something I must wear as Commander, it results convenient.”

 

“Doesn’t seem to work very well,” Raven said, looking down at the object in her hands with a frown.

 

“Some hits are simply more than what the pauldron can take,” The Commander said, watching as Raven moved to place the object on a near chair.

 

“How does your arm feel now?” Raven asked, looking up into the Commander’s green eyes.

 

“Hurts,” the alpha responded, deadpan, her expression completely blank, Raven couldn’t really tell she was in any pain. The omega hummed to herself for a while, moving closer once more to unclasp the Commander’s coat. “There is no need for you to assist me with this, I can undress myself.”

 

“We both know I do it better,” Raven said, a smirk firmly in place as she left the coat all the way open, when she looked up, she noticed that the Commander was looking at her with a tiny lopsided smile, only the left side of her mouth lifting slightly. “Have you eaten?”

 

“No, the weather is too harsh, we didn’t make any stops to eat, we just did what we could to get here fast.”

 

“Lana, why don’t you get the Commander something while I help her here?” Raven asked, not at all surprised when the Handmaiden glanced at the Commander first for approval. The Commander gave her a short nod and in seconds the handmaiden was leaving the room, leaving them on their own. “Let’s get this off, yes? Let’s do your good arm first and try to not jostle your shoulder too much.”

 

“You don’t have to help me, Raven,” the Commander insisted, but the omega was already helping her take off her clothes.

 

“I am not helping you out of the goodness of my heart, I just like you better naked,” Raven said, not missing the small smile that spread over the alpha’s lips. Raven had gotten the Commander to smile twice in just a couple of seconds.

 

She would never admit it to herself, but she felt quite proud about that.

 

The process of taking off the Commander’s shirt without jostling her shoulder was much harder and uncomfortable, but with Raven’s help the Commander was able to take it off without too much pain.

 

“There,” the Mechanic whispered to herself once she had taken the shirt off. “Shit, you didn’t mention this.” Raven said, eyes wide as she stared at the bruise that covered the Commander’s ribs, the omega could swear it was bigger than her head. She didn’t understand how the Commander managed to stand so rigidly, with her back straight and her shoulders back when her ribs were obviously hurting, if Raven was injured like that, she would be curled up into a ball in her bed feeling miserable, the Commander probably couldn’t afford that.

 

“It holds no importance,” the Commander said as she reached down to unfasten her pants, Raven swatted her hands away with a weak slap.

“Keep your arm still,” Raven said, her chest filling with anxiety when she noticed what she had said and what she had done, to an alpha nonetheless, to the Commander. She looked up for a second, expecting some kind of retribution, but the Commander was just looking down at her calmly. “You shouldn’t move it and you can’t bend down to take off your pants, it’s going to hurt like hell.”

 

“I’ve had worse injuries,” the alpha mentioned once Raven unfastened her pants and pulled them down her legs. They were completely soaked in rain water, which left them stuck to the Commander’s legs like a second skin, Raven had to apply a bit of strength to peel them off and after that she was left staring at the Commander’s strong thighs, visibly muscled and toned with the amount of activity and training she did every day.

 

“I know, you bled all over me, remember?” Raven said, looking around the Commander’s room and walking towards the pile of clothes Lana had left on the bed, just a pair of tight shorts that served as underwear and a loose shirt.

 

“Vaguely,” The Commander said as she used her good arm to unbind her breasts. “I don’t remember much from that day.”

 

“Probably a result of bleeding all over Arkadia, it took so long to clean up the trail of blood you left from the entrance of the camp to the medbay,” Raven said as she helped the Commander take off her underwear, doing her best not to look. She then helped her finishing drying herself and then she picked back up the pile of clothes, helping the Commander get into them.

 

“Thank you, Raven,” The Commander said, tilting her head down in a short nod. “There is no need for you to do this.”

 

“We have already talked about this, if I can help, I will, just because I can. You should better get to bed and wait for Lana to bring you some food before you go to sleep.”

 

“You can stay, I can still give you what you want,” The Commander said and Raven arched her eyebrows.

 

“You can, but I don’t want you to,” Raven said as she walked the Commander’s towards her bed, she arranged the pillows in a way she thought would be comfortable and then moved back so the Commander could sit down.

 

“The bruises,” The Commander said, looking back at Raven with expressionless eyes, “They bother you.”

 

“No, of course not,” Raven said, sitting down on the edge of the Commander’s bed, “I am not bothered by the bruises or the scars or anything like that, I just know that you are in pain and I know having sex right now would make that worse.”

 

“These wounds are nothing, I can still please you,” The Commander insisted, “You think me weak.”

 

“God, no!” Raven said, quickly getting frustrated, “This is not about your strength, I know you could fuck me right now and I know I would very much enjoy it, but you would need to push through the pain I know you must be feeling right now and I don’t want that, I don’t want you to be in pain and I don’t want to be the person making that pain worse.”

 

The Commander didn’t say anything for a few long seconds, she was just looking back at Raven like she couldn’t understand a single word that had come out of her mouth.

 

“You care about my pain?” The Commander asked awkwardly, her lips moving around the words like it was the first time she had ever said them, to her they didn’t make any sense, no one cared about her pain, not unless it kept her from fulfilling her duty, and if that was the case she knew they would care more about preparing the Conclave than about helping her get better.

 

The words made Raven physically and emotionally recoil, she stood from the Commander’s bed and looked away for a moment before responding, feeling suddenly very uncomfortable and exposed.

 

“No, I wouldn’t say that, I don’t _care_ about you, I just can't get in the mindset to have sex knowing you are hurt,” Raven said, almost flinching at her own words. It was one thing to not care about the Commander and another altogether to say it to her face.

 

Raven thought that maybe she would see the Commander’s expression changing, that her words would maybe upset her, because she knew they had been hurtful. And yes, the Commander expression did change, just not how Raven thought it would. Before, she had been confused, as if the thought of Raven caring about her was completely nonsensical, illogical and even ridiculous, but then, when the Mechanic said she didn’t care the confusion in the Commander’s face faded and was quickly replaced by understanding. The Commander nodded, her face calm and empty, like everything made sense. On the inside she was laughing at herself, of course Raven didn’t care, why would she?

 

“I understand,” The Commander said finally, “I will see you tomorrow, I was told the park is ready?”

 

“It is, we just need to gather the kids and take them there.”

 

“Good, sleep well, Raven,” The Commander said just as Lana came inside with a tray in her hands.

 

“You too,” The omega said as she slowly walked out of the room.

 

…………………….

 

That night Raven lay alone in her bed, wide awake, curled up under the furs. She knew the Commander had fallen asleep because she heard the familiar sounds of the alpha having a nightmare. In the middle of the night there was only silence and Raven’s room was only two doors down from the Commander’s, the rest of the floor pretty much empty aside from the guards that kept them safe. Raven wondered if maybe the nightmares were the reason why not many people were allowed to stay on that floor, because then they would see that the Commander was troubled at night, they would see weakness.

 

Raven sat up, her bare feet brushing the ground as she got ready to stand up. Before she could make a move, she remembered what she had told the Commander just a few hours ago. I don’t care about you. Raven had looked into the Commander’s eyes and she had said those words, she didn’t care, she never would, she could never care about the Commander, not after everything.

 

Raven clenched her jaw, hands curled into fists as they pressed against the furs. Two doors down the Commander let out her loudest scream yet and Raven knew by the silence that followed that the alpha had woken herself up. She couldn’t keep the image of the Commander trembling and hyperventilating out of her mind, she couldn’t stop thinking about the tears in her cheeks and the redness that consumed her eyes.

 

Her train of thought was suddenly cut off by the sound of steps coming towards her room, Raven rushed to get back down and curl up under the furs, closing her eyes and pretending to be asleep. Her door was opened a few seconds later and Raven recognized the soft steps that neared her bed.

 

“Raven,” Lana whispered, her voice dripping with concern, “Heda… Heda is troubled… I don’t think she will be able to go back to sleep…” Lana trailed off, seeing that the omega didn’t move, didn’t react at her words. The handmaiden assumed she was deeply asleep and let out a long sigh, she would get a warm tea for Heda, maybe that would help.

 

The Mechanic heard the other woman leave and pulled the furs up to cover her face, the Commander’s problems, whatever kept her up at night, it was none of her business. She didn’t care, she didn’t care, she didn’t care.

 

……………………..

 

When morning came Raven was invited to eat with the Heda, as she had been ever since she had arrived. The alpha was already seated at the table when she got there and the dark bags that framed her eyes made a sick feeling develop in her gut.

 

“Raven,” The Commander said, her tone pleasant, her eyes red rimmed with exhaustion, her eyelids swollen and heavy looking. “Today is a good day, the children will get to play under the sun,” the alpha said, pleased by the lack of rain on the day of the park opening. The sky was clear, the sun was bright and warm, it was perfect. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“I did,” Raven said, feeling much too sickened to return the question, she knew the answer already.

 

“Good, feel free to fill your plate.”

 

Raven did as told, filling her plate and starting to eat quickly after, trying to tell herself that the sick feeling in her stomach came from hunger and not from guilt.

 

During the time Raven spent eating the Commander did the same, or at least pretended to. She was pushing her food around her plate, never bringing it up to her mouth. Lana seemed to hover around for a moment, before asking if the Commander wished to eat something else.

 

“No, this is perfect,” the alpha answered and started bringing small pieces of fruit up to her mouth. She chewed painfully slow and swallowed with great difficulty, looking like she was going to gag every single time.

 

“Heda,” a gona came through the door, the Commander looked up and signaled him to approach. The bulky man leaned down to whisper something in her ear and moments later the Commander was standing up.

 

“Raven, I will meet you midafternoon,” The Commander said, turning to Lana for a moment and thanking her for the food she had barely touched before leaving the room.

 

The handmaiden moved towards the table with a small frown on her face, visibly concerned, she started picking up the plates and noticed that the Commander hadn’t even touched her glass of water.

 

Raven didn’t say a word, she bit the inside of her cheek and watched as the handmaiden walked away.

 

……………………

 

Raven couldn’t contain her smile, she just couldn’t. The kids of Polis were running around the park she had designed and built, they were happy, visibly elated and rushing to try everything at once.

 

She had spent some time playing with them, at first, they were reluctant, hesitant, not knowing what to do with the pieces of wood and metal strewn all around the clearing they used to play in. So, Raven had taken some time to show them, even if she had never been to a park either, she had seen enough of them in movies to know how to work everything out. They might not speak the same language, but they were kids and they just wanted to play, Raven could definitely do that with them.

 

“It will be much easier to play war now that there is a castle to defend,” The Commander mentioned once she came to stand by Raven’s side, her eyes on the wooden structure located in the middle of the clearing. The front of the castle had an arched opening that gave away to the inside, where different floating platforms allowed the kids to climb up to the very top of the castle. The back side of the castle was connected to a slide, while the right side attached to the monkey bars and the left to the still rings.

 

“That should be fun,” Raven said with a smile, “I’d like to be here to see them playing war with the castle.”

 

“You are welcome to stay for as long as you wish,” The Commander said, “Maybe in a couple of days, when they are more used to the new park, they will start playing war while using the different games.”

 

Raven only nodded in response, her eyes still on the children. She breathed in deeply and when she let it out, she felt much lighter than before, an invisible weight vanishing from her shoulders.

 

“You are pleased,” The Commander stated, and Raven could feel her eyes on the side of her face, watching her silently.

 

“I am, I just… Since we landed I have been making weapons, I have made other things, mostly repairs on different things inside Arkadia and The Mountain, but this is the first time since we got here that something I did has not caused pain to someone else…” Raven trailed off, surprised by how her eyes watered and how her voice seemed to tremble. “What I created made these kids happy and that feels really, really good.”

 

“Not only them,” The Commander said quietly, moving to stand closer to Raven so no one else would hear her words. “The Blacksmiths, the Woodworkers, the Builders, they are all here and they are all happy as well. The parents of these children…” The Commander said as she glanced around the clearing, moving Raven to do the same and see how the adults stood around, speaking towards each other, eyes shining as they watched their children run around and laugh freely. “Their childhood was not like this, Raven, they didn’t get any of this, they lived in fear, but their children won’t, their children are happy.”

 

“That’s not something I did, though, that was you,” Raven said, no smirk in her mouth, no playful eyes, only honesty. “These children got to play and to run around and to laugh and feel safe before I build them this park, and that was your doing.”

 

The Commander dipped her chin the slightest bit, offering Raven the smallest nod, taking the compliment as humbly as she could. Her shoulders seemed to loosen in their rigid posture and even if her eyes were framed by deep bags Raven could see that she was content.

 

“You gave them more happiness, and I am thankful for that,” The Commander said, her eyes honest and brightly green under the sunlight. “This right here, it makes everything worth it.”

 

“It does,” Raven said quietly, the smile coming back to her face as she watched a pair of kids, probably siblings. The older one carried his little sister on his shoulders, allowing her to cross the monkey bars from one side to the other, she gave a happy scream when she was done, though she had done no effort, and curled her small arms around her brother’s head, giving him an awkward hug. Raven watched the boy smile and reach up with his arms to steady his sister, brushing a kiss to the knee that almost hit him in the face. “It really does.”

 

In that moment Raven managed to truly understand why that clearing had been the Commander’s favorite place.

 

A kid, a boy, no more than six years old was trying to get as fast as he could to the recently vacated swing, but to walk he used a makeshift crutch. Another boy ran past him, knocking accidentally against his shoulder and throwing him hard against the ground. The boy fell forwards, and a cry followed soon after. Suddenly the Commander was no longer at Raven’s side.

 

She was right there, by the child’s side, wiping his tears away with her thumbs and helping him calm down. Raven didn’t understand a word, but she knew that if the Commander ever looked at her with such a soft expression she would calm down, too. The alpha brushed her hand gently over the boy’s shaggy black hair, cupping his cheek with her free hand while she spoke to him in soft whispers. A few seconds later the boy was nodding and wiping his own tears away with a tiny smile on his face.

 

The Commander helped him stand up and grabbed the crutch for him, waiting until he was steady enough before she straightened to her full height. Raven was able to see the reason for the crutch then, the boy’s leg was splinted from the thigh and down to his ankle, leaving his leg permanently in a straightened position. Raven knew, by how easily the boy moved with the crutch, that the injury wasn’t recent, that he had had enough time to get used to the crutch and to gain speed and mobility with it.

 

The Commander then send him on his way, saying one last thing to him before he walked away.

 

“What did you say to him?” Raven asked.

 

“To ask for what he wants, if he just waits for someone to free one of the swings, he will be standing there for quite some time. I told him to ask for one of the swings, and I told him to come get me if none of the children borrow it.” The Commander said and surely Raven saw the kids on the swings turning their way, the Commander gave them a nod and that was enough for all the kids to free the swings, giving a new round of kids the chance to try them.

 

“What happened to him?”

 

“I am unsure,” The Commander said, and Raven wasn’t surprised, she couldn’t possibly know about the life of every single person in her city. “But I do know his leg has been like that for almost a year now.”

Raven hummed to herself, watching the kid do his best to have fun while having to drag the weight of his leg around. Raven knew well how that felt and wondered if maybe Abby could help him.

 

……………………..

 

Once they started losing light the kids and their parents started to leave, the sun was gone, leaving the moon to shine up in the sky, making it more dangerous for the children to run around and injure themselves.

 

Raven watched the park from her place sitting on the grass and then glanced up at the Commander, who was standing a few feet away talking quietly with one of her guards. Raven waited until they were finished and then stood up, walking towards the Commander’s side.

 

“Hey, there’s no one else here, why don’t you try the swings?” Raven offered with a smile and the Commander arched her eyebrows.

 

“It is for the children; it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to use them.”

 

“Why not? The swing will hold your weight just fine, I made sure they are resistant, it would be fine, I swear.”

 

“I am Heda, Raven, I cannot be seen playing, I have my duty to fulfill,” The Commander said, her tone severe. Raven thought she should back off, but she didn’t.

 

“Just for a couple of minutes, I will push you myself.” Raven said, daring to take the Commander’s hand and pull her towards the park, “Come on, it will be just a minute.”

 

The Commander sighed and offered Raven a short nod, the omega smiled brightly and pulled the alpha towards the swings.

 

“Sit down and hold on, I will push you, okay?” Raven said, watching as the Commander sat down on the wooden base of the swing.

 

“I am sure I can do this on my own, Raven.”

 

“I know, but I am sure your ribs wouldn’t appreciate it so I am going to push you,” Raven said, placing her hands on the Commander’s back and giving her a gentle push. Little by little she added strength to each push and the Commander got higher and higher. Raven wasn’t sure she was enjoying it as the Commander didn’t say a word, the Mechanic could only see the way she tightened her hands around the chains, holding on for dear life.

 

Raven had never heard the Commander laugh, she didn’t think she ever would, she wasn’t sure the Heda was even able to do that, but right when she got as high as she could on the swing a quiet sound left her lips. Raven rushed around the swing, wishing to see the expression on her face, it took her a second to realize she had missed it. The Commander was sporting a small smile, her head tilted back as her eyes remained closed, the wind just slightly messing up her braids, setting strands of hair free from them. The only thing that remained of her laugh was that quiet sound, sweet and short, breathy and light. It hadn’t been a full-blown laugh, Raven knew that, but it had been a laugh all the same, and it had probably been suppressed as soon as the Commander noticed it was coming out.

 

Raven knew it had happened, though, and that allowed for the satisfaction she was feeling to remain bubbling freely in her chest. The small smile in the Commander face didn’t disappear, not until the swing stopped moving and she opened her eyes. Raven was staring right at her and she saw as embarrassment slowly replaced the joy the Commander had been feeling just a few moments before. She saw it in the way her pretty cheeks were suddenly filled with color, she saw it in the way she looked away and pressed her lips into a tight line, successfully hiding her smile.

 

Raven moved to the swing next to the Commander’s and sat down, trying to make the situation less uncomfortable for the alpha.

 

“Fun, right?” Raven asked, her eyes on the side of the Commander’s face. The alpha had her feet on the ground and was pushing herself forwards and backwards just slightly, her head tilting back as she looked up at the sky.

 

“It was nice, Raven. Thank you,” The alpha said quietly, her words coming out with hesitance, not knowing if she had expressed herself well.

 

Raven stayed quiet for a while, she knew what she wanted to say, but she didn’t want to make the Commander more uncomfortable than she already was. She bit her lip, fighting internally with herself until she concluded that she shouldn’t really care about what the Commander was feeling, so she would say what she wanted to say regardless of how the alpha might feel about it.

 

“I think that short laugh I heard was pretty nice, too,” Raven said, smiling to herself and hoping the Commander would turn and meet her eyes. 

 

“Thank you, Raven,” the alpha said, her tone even more quiet than before as she turned her head to the side and met Raven’s dark eyes with her own. “It’s been a couple of years since I last did it.”

 

Raven’s lighthearted mood seemed to plummet to the floor all at once, her smile quickly disappearing and a deep frown taking over her face. The Commander noticed immediately and rushed to backtrack.

 

“Forgive me, I did not mean to upset you,” the alpha said, her eyes never moving away from Raven’s as they tried their best to convey their honesty.

 

“You didn’t, really,” Raven said, she was not at all upset, because she did not care about the Commander, so the fact that she had spent years without laughing didn’t affect Raven in the slightest. “You just surprised me that was all, do you remember when was the last time you did it? before tonight, I mean,” Raven asked, she didn’t know why she asked, though, because it didn’t really matter to her, she was only curious.

 

“Three years ago, a few weeks before Costia was taken,” The Commander mentioned, and the sole mention of that name made Raven’s insides ache.

 

“She was the one to provoke it?”

 

“Yes,” the Commander said, her voice sigh like as her gaze seemed to get lost somewhere over Raven’s shoulder. “I had just come back from battle and she hadn’t been notified of my return, she was in our bathroom washing her mouth with a few mint leaves and cup of water. She didn’t hear me coming so when I touched her, she lurched and she threw the water at her own face, the water in her mouth also came out through her nose. I couldn’t stop myself from laughing and she didn’t seem to mind…” the Commander said, her eyes glimmering under the moonlight as her good shoulder went up in a half shrug.

 

Raven could feel a knot developing in the base of her throat, keeping her from breathing properly, her chest ached deeply and she clutched tightly onto the chains of the swing to keep herself from getting out of control. The Commander was still lost in the memory, her eyes shinny with wetness and her lips spread into the softest smile Raven had ever seen on her face.

 

“... she just threw herself at me and her arms- her arms squeezed me so tight… She started laughing as well, looking at me like she was overjoyed to see me, like she was happy I was back… She tried to kiss me, but I was still laughing so strongly. I know now that part of the reason why I was laughing was because I was sure I wouldn’t see her again, and getting back home, mostly unharmed seemed so ridiculous…” The Commander seemed to catch herself then, she remembered who she was, she remembered who she was with, she remembered who she was supposed to be and how she was supposed to behave.

 

Raven saw the realization fall over her face like a mask, twisting her features into the hard, impenetrable expression she usually sported. The Commander cleared her throat and turned away, refusing to look back at Raven until her feelings were back in place, far below the surface. They did not matter either way.

 

Raven refused to let her retreat emotionally like that, feeling like she was losing the person under the armor the longer she allowed the Commander to hide herself behind the role she was supposed to play.

 

“Was that the last time someone held you, too?” Raven asked, and the Commander visibly clenched her jaw, her teeth grinding so hard Raven could almost feel it.

 

“No,” the Commander said, and Raven had started to feel relieved until the alpha finished her sentence. “The last time was two weeks later; on the day she was taken.” The information was delivered in such a detached way, the Commander’s tone of voice neutral and uncaring as she spoke the words into existence.

 

The lack of feeling in her words didn’t make the information easier to digest, Raven felt suddenly sick and she realized the same amount of time must have passed since someone last helped the Commander with her nightmares, since someone expressed being happy about seeing her, about having her back safe.

 

“She sounds beautiful,” Raven said, her voice nothing but a murmur, still, it was never unsure, never dishonest.

 

“She was,” The Commander said, turning to look at Raven once more and giving her a short nod. “Thank you, Raven.”

 

“No need, I am just telling you what I think.”

 

A gona moved closer to the Commander and leaned down to whisper something in her ear, a moment later he moved away and the Commander stood from the swing.

 

“Dinner is waiting for us back in the tower,” The alpha said, moving towards Raven and offering her hand to help her stand up.

 

“You do know I can get up on my own, right?” Raven asked, looking up at the Commander with a faint undertone of annoyance in her voice, the last thing she needed was to be seeing as a fragile little thing.

 

“Yes,” The Commander said, not even stopping to think about her answer, and not taking back the offered hand.

 

“Good,” Raven said, taking the offered hand and standing up, knowing the Commander had probably offered to be courteous and not because of pity.

 

They walked back to the tower in silence, they had dinner in silence and when Raven got to bed that night, she found that with the Commander the silence was never uncomfortable.

 

…………………….

 

Raven didn’t know what provoked it, or if there was anything provoking it at all, maybe it was just her own mind torturing her, maybe it was the desolation in the Commander’s face as she spoke of her love that triggered her, she didn’t know what it was, but that night she was the one that woke up screaming.

 

It seemed that the Commander didn’t have the reservations that Raven had had the night before, because when Raven woke up, heaving for air, soaked with sweat and with her eyes burning with tears, the Commander was there. She was crouched next to the bed, close to where Raven’s head was resting on, she was shushing Raven gently, telling her it was okay, that she was safe.

 

The Commander pressed a small towel over Raven’s brow, wiping away the sweat and then she just stayed there, whispering soft assurances until the Mechanic’s breathing was back to normal.

 

“It’s okay, you are safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you here,” the Commander whispered, her hand coming to rest on top of Raven’s shaky one, curling around her fingers to try and diminish the trembling. That was the only thing the Commander allowed herself to do, not knowing if any further contact would be well received, not daring to touch the omega any further without permission. “Here,” She continued, as she offered Raven a fresh cup of water.

 

Raven drank desperately, gulping the water down her sore throat like it would suddenly disappear from her. Some of the liquid spilled down her cheeks, leaving trails of water down her neck and chin. The Commander moved slowly so Raven would be able to predict her movement and wiped out the spilt water, taking the chance to also wipe away the sweat that pearled Raven’s neck.

 

“More?” The Commander asked quietly, doing her best to not startle Raven with her voice. The Mechanic didn’t seem to react, she only sat there, staring blankly forwards, one hand in the Commander’s while the other gripped tightly onto the wooden cup. Her breathing was a bit better but her heart was still racing.

 

The Commander didn’t wait for a response and let go of Raven’s hand. The loss of contact seemed to make the omega react, her head violently twisted to the side, her eyes locking on the Commander’s form, making sure she was still there.

 

“I will just get you more water, is that okay?” the Commander asked, not moving her eyes away from the omega’s until she received a shaky nod in return.

 

The Commander then reached for the cup on the Mechanic’s hand, she wouldn’t let go and Raven didn’t seem to know what was happening so the Commander gently brushed her fingers over the omega’s. Slowly and as softly as she could, the Commander ran the calloused pads of her fingers over the back Raven’s, they had turned white with the strength the omega was putting around the wooden cup, but eventually, after a few minutes of the alphas delicate touch the Mechanic’s fingers seemed to relax until they weren’t holding the cup anymore. 

 

The Commander filled it up with more water and offered it again. Raven’s eyes were still stuck on her face, not moving, not focusing on the offered cup until the Commander grasped her hand and put the wooden cup against her palm.

 

“More water,” the Commander whispered, Raven’s frazzled brain was slow to process it, but eventually she was able to place her attention on the wooden cup pressed to her hand, she still hadn’t tightened her grip around it so the only thing keeping it from falling where the Commander’s hands as they held Raven’s own hand around the cup. Raven could feel the smooth wood under her palm and the warmth of the Commander’s skin pressed against the back of her hand.

 

She drank the water much more slowly than before and once she was done her mind was much clearer. She looked down at the Commander, her lungs aching with how hard she had been breathing.

 

“Did I wake you?” Raven asked, her voice not quite as steady as usual.

 

“No, I woke myself up,” the Commander said, and the omega heard what she was truly saying.

 

“Nightmare, too?” Raven asked quietly, and the Commander, not being one to lie, nodded her head. “Wow, we should make a competition and see who screams the loudest.” Raven said, rolling her eyes at herself and ducking her head, trying her best to cover up her embarrassment with humor.

 

“There is no need to be ashamed, you have been through a lot,” the Commander said, and Raven looked back at her with an unimpressed expression on her face.

 

“That’s very hypocritical of you, I know you are ashamed of your nightmares.”

 

“I am not being hypocritical, we are not the same, when I say you do not need to be ashamed, I truly mean it,” the Commander said, and Raven knew, because of the open expression on her face, that she truly meant what she was saying.

 

“So, you get to be ashamed of this because you are Commander?”

 

“Yes, I should be stronger than this.”

 

“That’s bullshit, if I don’t get to feel pathetic over waking up crying and screaming, neither do you,” Raven said strongly and watched the Commander shake her head.

 

“You do not understand-”

 

“No, _you_ don’t understand, you are as human as I am, you can feel everything I feel, and you should be able to be in pain without feeling ashamed about it,” Raven said stubbornly, curling her arms protectively over her chest.

 

“My people would not agree with you.”

 

“That’s because they are all idiots,” Raven said with a huff, rolling her eyes as hard as she possibly could. When she looked back down the Commander was offering her a small smile.

 

“Is there anything I can do for you to sleep better? Are you warm enough? Do you have enough pillows? Do you like to sleep in complete darkness? I could get you some candles to light up the room while you sleep.” The Commander said, looking expectantly up at Raven.

 

“No, the room is perfect, very comfortable. I don’t know, maybe I ate too much at dinner,” Raven said with a shrug, she knew nightmares sometimes came without reason and she didn’t think her room had anything to do with it, she had slept perfectly fine since she had gotten to Polis, and thankfully she had had no nightmares during the nights she had actually slept in the Commander’s bed. She figured it didn’t matter much, she was sleeping in her room and the alpha had still gotten out of bed to check on her.

 

“I will order to have lighter meals prepared for you at night,” the Commander said with a slight frown.

 

“It’s fine, really, I don’t really see any reason for this.”

 

“Is there anything I can do? Do you miss home? We can arrange for you to be picked up as soon as possible.”

 

“Are you kicking me out?” Raven asked jokingly, the Commander didn’t seem to catch her tone, for her eyes got comically wide.

 

“No, Raven, I would never. What I mean is that this is the first time you have been away from your people for a prolonged period of time, maybe that is causing your distress.”

 

“I was joking, and I don’t really think that’s it, Kane is here, the guards that follow him around are here. I spent quite some time with him while you were gone, so I don’t think that’s causing my nightmares. I don’t think there is much to do, except, maybe you could stick around to make sure no monsters come for me in the middle of the night.” Raven said with a teasing smile, but again, the Commander didn’t catch her tone, she straightened and her face turned into stone.

 

“You can be sure I will do my best to make sure no harm comes to you.”

 

“Commander, I was only-”

 

“Try to sleep, I will be here,” the Commander interrupted, sitting on a chair facing the door.

 

“Really, it is not necessary,” Raven tried again, but the Commander was having none of it. She took a knife from who knows where and faced the door, telling Raven to get some rest.

 

“Sleep, Raven, I will let no harm come to you.”

The Mechanic sighed, secretly endeared by the alpha’s actions and at the same time wishing she hadn’t taken her joke so seriously, now she was sure the Commander wouldn’t sleep. 

 

“You should really go to sleep if you are tired,” Raven tried again and the alpha gave her a side glance, almost as if the omega had insulted her.

 

“I am not tired,” she said strongly and Raven decided to back off, curling up under the furs facing the alpha.

 

“Okay, okay, feel free to join me in bed if you get uncomfortable on that chair, okay?”

 

“Yes, sleep well, Raven.”

 

Raven let out a little hum in response and stayed where she was, looking at the Commander, at the faint shadow of her looking dutifully at the door, keeping her shoulders squared and her head tilted up, ready to spring into action. Raven would be lying if she said that sight didn’t make her feel safe.

 

Slowly, that feeling seemed to sip into her bones, making them feel heavy, making her eyelids feel like lead and her eyes burn with exhaustion. Eventually, she could not keep them open, and even as the darkness consumed her, she could see the Commander watching over her, right there, behind her eyes. Ultimately, that was what lulled her into a deep slumber.

 

……………….

 

When Raven woke up the next day she was greeted by the same image, the Commander sitting on the chair, facing the door, knife in hand. Raven couldn’t help but blink quickly in disbelief, unable to process that the Commander had truly stayed with her all night, looking after her in her sleep.

 

“Hey,” Raven croaked, voice hoarse with sleep. The Commander turned to look at her and stood up, walking towards Raven and kneeling by the side of her bed. She was the picture of exhaustion, dark bags framing red rimmed eyes. Still, she offered Raven a tiny smile, it was a barely there gesture, almost invisible and meant to be reassuring.

 

“You are safe,” the Commander said quietly, avoiding to disturb the tranquility of the morning.

 

“I know, I am sorry about last night, I didn’t mean to keep you awake.”

 

“It is not a problem, I do not usually sleep after a nightmare so I would have been awake either way,” the Commander mentioned, doing her best so Raven wouldn’t feel guilty.

 

Raven couldn’t stop thinking about how the Commander would have probably slept if Raven had spoken to her about something, just like she had done last time when she told the alpha about the stars. She felt quite stupid, maybe she didn’t care about the Commander but that shouldn’t have stopped her from helping her with her nightmare, letting her suffer the night before had just been fucked up.

 

“Thank you for staying,” Raven said with a smile and the Commander offered her a short nod.

 

“No need. You should go back to sleep; it is still quite early in the morning. I must go train, but you should have a few more hours of rest.”

 

“You will train with that arm and those ribs?” Raven asked, both eyebrows arched with surprise. “You are going to hurt yourself.”

 

The Commander sighed, tilting her head to the side, she didn’t seem too happy about having to train either.

 

“It will feel slightly uncomfortable, nothing major. Get some sleep, I will meet you for breakfast,” The Commander said, not waiting for Raven to say another word before she walked outside.

 

……………………..

 

With the park finished Raven didn’t have much to do so she left the tower and walked towards the park, just to watch the children play for a little bit.

 

She sat down under the shade of a tree, silently watching as the children ran around and played, a small smile spreading across her lips.

 

“Raven? Hello? Are you there?” Came Abby’s voice from the radio hanging over Raven’s belt.

 

“Yes, I am here. How is everything going back at Arkadia?”

 

“Nothing out of the ordinary, the fence broke down again, but Sinclair was able to fix it.”

 

“That shit fence, I think we really have to look into it, it can’t just keep breaking down all the time.” Raven said with a huff, annoyed, she hoped the damage was not too serious.

 

“Do not worry yourself with that now, I reached out to ask how are you doing in Polis.” Abby said, her voice colored with concern.

 

“We have spoken every day; everything is fine here.”

 

“And how did the park opening go, did the kids like it?”

 

“Loved it, complete success. The Commander mentioned that it will be cooler for them to play war now that they have a castle to defend,” Raven said with a smile.

 

“Doesn’t sound like the most appropriate game, but I understand, I suppose. I am glad they like it. I will be sending for you right away, the guards can rest tonight and bring you back tomorrow morning, would that be okay?” Abby said and Raven’s eyes widened in surprise, her first instinct was to tell her no, to give her a few more days in Polis, but what would be her excuse? She had already done everything she was supposed to.

 

“Yeah, that’s fine, Abby, thank you,” Raven said, feeling dejected and not even knowing why.

 

“No need, Raven, I will see you tomorrow.” 

 

……………………..

 

“Abby sent for me, our guards should be arriving here in a few hours and I will be leaving tomorrow morning,” Raven said, interrupting their quiet dinner. The Commander had had a really busy day, which was why the omega hadn’t really gotten to lay eyes on her until their last meal.

 

“Oh,” The Commander said as she looked up from her plate, Raven wanted to believe she saw disappointment in her eyes, but she couldn’t be sure, the Commander was keeping her emotions in check like she always did. “I suppose it is good timing, the park is ready and finished so you no longer have a reason to stay. I will make sure Lana prepares some food for your trip back, is there anything you need?”

 

“No, I am good. I was just wondering if the kid from the park could come with me,” Raven said, watching as the Commander’s brows creased slightly in the middle. “I am sure Abby could do something about his leg, I am not saying he will regain full function or anything, but maybe she could reduce his pain or allow him at least some mobility in that leg.”

 

“Do you honestly believe that to be possible?” The Commander asked, her voice showing concern. “I wouldn’t like to give him hope of moving his leg again only for him to get disappointed in the end.”

 

“Trust me, I know how these things are. I will make sure his expectations remain as low as possible. There’s no way we are telling him he will walk on his own again, I just think Abby should give us an opinion on this matter. I mean, I don’t want to insult your healers, but how can they possibly heal a bone properly if they can’t see what’s wrong to begin with.” Raven said, her tone hiding a small laugh of disbelief. She was sure the grounder healers were good, they had kept the Commander alive for years and they did the best they could for their people, but there was no way to deny that the Skaikru could offer more, especially for those with problems like Raven’s and the kid’s, maybe he wouldn’t regain full function in his leg, but having at least a bit of relief would be more than enough.

 

“We may speak to his Nomon tomorrow morning, I am afraid the conversation could delay your departure.”

 

“That’d be fine, I just want to know if we can help him. Things are hard enough now, when he grows up, they will only get harder.”

 

“Thank you, your intentions are very kind,” The Commander said with a smile, and Raven couldn’t stop the flush that rushed up her neck and towards her cheeks.

 

“It’s fine, really.” Raven said, brushing it off, but secretly feeling quite good about herself after making the Commander smile.

 

“I hope your stay here has been pleasant.”

 

“Oh, yes, it really has been, Polis is fun,” Raven said, looking up and finding the Commander’s gaze. “Everyone seems to be doing really well here and I will for sure miss those pastries.”

 

“We can get more before you leave, you could take them home with you,” the Commander offered and Raven nodded her head quickly, she wouldn’t miss out on that opportunity.

 

“Heda, if I may,” Titus said from the entrance, the Commander turned to look at him and nodded, turning her face towards Raven.

 

“I will see you tomorrow, Raven, rest well.”

 

“You too, Commander,” the omega said as she watched her go.

 

……………………..

 

They saw each other much earlier than expected. Raven couldn’t sleep, she was just lying in bed staring at the ceiling when the screaming started, this time she didn’t freeze, she didn’t stay sitting on her bed wondering what she would do. No, she put on her brace and left her room, stumbling in to Lana on the way to the Commander’s room.

 

“Raven,” Lana said, her eyes wide as she stumbled slightly around her words. “Heda- the Commander- she- she is in distress.”

 

“I know, I was just making my way to her room.”

 

“Oh! Thank you, Heda has not been sleeping well lately.”

 

“It’s fine,” Raven said, brushing it off as she walked towards the Commander’s room. The guards didn’t even blink at her, barely reacting to her presence as they merely moved to open the doors for her, they were more than used to having her spending the night in the Commander’s room.

 

For a moment the omega had some trouble finding the Commander, the bed was unmade and messy but empty, leaving Raven to follow the sound of gasping breaths and wheezing. She found the Commander on the floor next to the bed, clutching her knees close to her chest, keeping her arms tight around her legs and burying her head down over the top of her knees. Raven moved slowly, not wanting to startle her and sat down facing the other alpha. Raven knew by the sound of those choked gasps that there was no way she was getting much oxygen inside her lungs.

 

“Hey, Heda,” Raven said, her tone strong but not loud, it was simply steady, reassuring. “You are safe here, no one is going to hurt you,” Raven said, she didn’t know what the Commander’s nightmares were about, but she figured letting the Commander know that she was safe was her best bet.

 

It didn’t quite work, the Commander tightened her arms around her legs once more and buried her head further against her legs, making breathing even harder.

 

“It’s just me, I am not going to hurt you,” Raven said, getting increasingly more worried once she heard the Commander’s breathing pattern get much worse. She wasn’t sure if she should touch her or not, but what other option did she have?

 

Raven lifted her hand and with as much gentleness as she could she ran the pads of her fingers over the back of the Commander’s hand, the alpha flinched back and only tightened her grip around her own legs.

 

“It’s fine, I am sorry I touched you, there’s nothing to be afraid of. I am going to touch you again, okay? It’s just me,” Raven said, hoping that the calmness in her tone somehow would get to the Commander. 

 

She lifted her hand once more, and this time when she ran her fingertips over the back of the Commander’s hand the alpha’s grip around her leg loosened and she lifted her head slightly, peering up at Raven with bloodshot green eyes.

 

“Yes, it’s just me, Lexa. Can I call you Lexa?” the Mechanic asked, she knew the Commander’s title, her duties, her responsibilities, they were all a source of anxiety, they had to be, and that was the last thing the alpha needed.

 

The alpha didn’t respond, but the lack of objection was enough for Raven to keep calling her that.

 

“I am going to take your hand now, yes?” the omega asked, but still the alpha didn’t respond, she just continued to gasp and wheeze to a point where Raven started worrying, she would make herself pass out. Again, Raven took the lack of objection as her go ahead, she took the Commander’s hand in her own and pressed it against the middle of her chest, hoping the alpha could feel her calm breathing and steady heartbeat. “Just do what I do. In.” Raven said, taking a deep breath slowly and holding it for a few seconds. “Out.” Raven let out the air through her mouth, very gently, very slow, until her lungs felt complete depleted.

 

The Commander tried to do the same, but it was shaky, her breath stuttering in her mouth, often cut off and not at all fluid.

 

“Nice, that’s very good,” Raven said, offering a smile even if what she said had been a lie. “Again, In.” 1, 2, 3, 4. “Out.”

 

The Commander did the best she could, and with the feeling of Raven’s hand over the back of her hand, with the feeling of her chest expanding under her palm, she was able to start getting her breathing under control.

 

“Perfect, you are doing so well. Let’s go again,” Raven said, keeping her tone sweet and reassuring as she brushed her fingers gently over the back of the Commander’s hand, keeping it pressed against her sternum.

 

Raven lost count of how many times they did the same thing, but eventually the Commander’s breathing evened and her muscles loosened, leaving her slumped against the side of the bed.

 

“Thank you,” The Commander whispered, her head lolled to the side and pressed against the wooden edge of the bed, her eyelids swollen and her lips pale.

 

“It’s fine,” Raven said, feeling slightly concerned about the severity of the attack, wondering if the Commander had to push through them on her own. “Does this happen often?”

 

The Commander shrugged in a way that gave Raven no relief. “Only when my dreams are particularly difficult.”

 

“Okay,” Raven said, removing the Commander’s hand from her chest, but not letting go of it and holding it between both of her own instead. “Who helps you when it happens?”

 

“I’m on my own when it happens, I don’t appreciate people seeing me like this and my people wouldn’t be pleased to know about it.”

 

“Does it bother you that I have seen you like this?” Raven answer hesitantly, feeling like she already knew the answer to that question.

 

“Yes, greatly. I do not mean to offend you, the problem is not you,” The Commander quickly said, rushing to explain and giving the omega’s hand a weak squeeze.

 

“I understand, I am not happy about you seeing me like you saw me last night either,” Raven said, she knew there was no reason to be embarrassed, but she was anyway, she couldn’t even imagine how the Commander felt when she wasn’t even allowed to have any kind of weakness. “I think that makes us both a little stupid.” Raven said, and the Commander’s face instantly shifted into a frown. A shot of anxiety travelled quickly down Raven’s spine, maybe she had gone a little too far with her last comment, she had basically insulted the Commander of the Thirteen Clans.

 

“I do not find you stupid, Raven,” The Commander said, finding the strength to lift her head from the edge of the bed to look at the omega properly. “I think this world has been unkind to you and I think it is normal for that pain to resurface every once in a while, it’s okay, you still greet each morning with a smile and that on itself is testimony of your strength and resilience.”

 

Raven’s mouth opened and closed a few times, her brain function seeming to halt to a stop at the words that came out of the Commander’s mouth. A warmth she had not felt in a really long time bloomed behind her sternum and spread outwards, sending a red flush up her neck and towards her cheeks.

 

“Forgive me, I did not mean to offend you,” the Commander said tiredly, her tone carrying an undertone of regret as she lowered her head back against the side of the bed.

 

“You didn’t, that was really nice of you to say.” Raven said, brushing her thumb over the back of the Commander’s hand.

 

“Oh. Good. I don’t find myself to be particularly proficient when it comes to speaking about feelings, or personal matters.” the Commander whispered, her voice faint as it echoed between the two of them. She blinked slowly, her swollen eyelids making it so hard to keep her eyes open. Raven could see how exhausted she was and she couldn’t deny it was a little painful to watch.

 

“You are doing fine, very honest, very eloquent. Your words were very nice,” Raven reassured, offering the alpha a small smile. “I think those words apply to you as well, except for the smiling part because you don’t really do that, but the rest of it… I think it is normal for your pain to come up sometimes, and if I don’t get to feel ashamed about it, neither should you.”

 

“You don’t understand, Raven, we are not the same.”

 

“No?” Raven said, her voice laced with mock confusion. “Let’s see, you’ve got two eyes, a nose, a mouth, two ears… I have all of those as well.”

 

“Raven-” the Commander tried to say, it was a reprimand and Raven knew it, but she decided to ignore it either way.

 

“Okay, okay, no need to get mad, I know your ears are cuter than mine, I know it,” Raven said, feeling overly pleased with herself when the comment pulled a tiny smile from the Commander before she could try to hide it.

 

“My position doesn’t allow for this weakness, Raven,” the Commander said once her smile had faded.

 

“That’s bullshit!”

 

“Raven-”

 

“No, listen. You do not let your pain beat you, you fight it and you do your best to come out on top. You don’t give up against your pain, you don’t let it swallow you whole, you don’t let it make you a bad Commander to your people. All your life is about your duty, you have told me so and I have seen it during my stay here, but your duty doesn’t take away your feelings, it can’t and it shouldn’t, they are your humanity and they help you be a good leader, I am sure they do.” Raven said passionately, trying to make the Commander understand.

 

“Raven-”

 

“No, wait. I know you are good at controlling your feelings and I understand that, I know it is required of you and I am on board with that, but please, do not mistake control for avoidance because they are not the same thing, and trying to avoid your feelings, or to hide them will only do more harm than good. I can promise you it will come to bite you in the ass.” Raven said, surprised when she got a small smile in return, she thought the Commander would throw her off her tower for cutting her off so many times.

 

“I will consider your words, Raven, thank you.”

 

“Oh, no, it’s fine, I mean, you are welcome,” Raven said awkwardly, thrown off by the unexpected response. “Let’s get you back into bed, okay?” Raven said, using the edge of the bed for support as she stood up and then pulling the Commander up by the hand she still had in her hold. 

 

The Commander sat back on the edge of the bed and then laid down. Raven didn’t ask for an invitation, she just laid down as well, leaving enough space between their bodies for another person to fit in between.

 

“You should get some sleep,” the omega mentioned and the Commander shook her head.

 

“I will go back to the dream I was having if I do.”

 

“Okay, would you like me to talk to you about the stars like the other day?”

 

“I’d like that,” the Commander said as she rolled onto her side to face Raven properly, “but I have disturbed you enough as it is.”

 

“You haven’t disturbed me, I was already awake and you know I can go on and on about this subject, it’s nice to have someone who will listen.”

 

“Okay,” the Commander whispered, reaching down for the furs and pulling them up so they covered Raven’s body.

 

“Did you know that there are other planets besides ours and that they are moving around the sun, too?”

 

“Other planets? Moving around the sun?” the Commander said, a tiny frown of confusion between her brows. “I thought the sun was the one that moved, I see it move in the sky.”

 

Raven smiled so hard that her cheeks started to hurt and what followed was a long explanation of how the earth moved around the sun like all the other planets. The Commander fought exhaustion for as long as she could, but sometimes she would just doze off, her eyes closing without her permission and leaving her to shake herself awake a few seconds later.

 

“Hey, Lexa,” Raven whispered, trying to keep her voice as quiet and soothing as possible. “Just close your eyes, okay?”

 

“No, I don’t want to see… what I saw… before…” the Commander murmured, her eyes half closed, her voice slurred with sleep.

 

Raven bit her bottom lip, unsure of how to respond.

 

“You will see the stars in your dreams, only the stars.” The omega insisted, curling up on her side and speaking as quietly as she could. She could see the way the Commander’s eyelids fell over her eyes, how they were quick to close, but so very slow to lift again. The Commander would be asleep in seconds if she only let herself. “Just close your eyes, you will see the sun burning bright, there will be no more darkness, only light, shining right in front of your eyes. Just close your eyes, Lexa, and you will see the sun, I promise.”

Raven hoped and prayed to whoever was listening that the Commander wouldn’t go back to the nightmare she had had before, not only would it be awful for her, but it also would make Raven’s words meaningless. She knew the Commander would understand that Raven couldn’t actually make promises about what she would dream about, but the Mechanic couldn’t help but hope that she would have nice dreams.

 

“Lexa…” the Commander said, mumbling her own name with her eyes mostly closed, Raven couldn’t only see a sliver of them peeking from beneath her long eyelashes.

 

“I can stop calling you that if you want,” Raven whispered, pulling at the furs so they would cover the alpha’s shoulders.

 

“No, it’s okay… No one calls me that... I just forget… sometimes…” Her eyes closed all the way and her breathing evened out quickly after, leaving Raven hanging without getting to hear the rest of the sentence. What did she forget exactly? Raven wasn’t sure, her own name? Raven brought her thought process to an abrupt stop before it could go further into that rabbit hole, that thought was just sickening and Raven refused to entertain it any longer. 

 

She got more comfortable on the bed and continued talking, hoping that the Commander wouldn’t startle herself awake once more. One minute passed after the next, the alpha didn’t wake up and Raven felt the weariness of the day catch up with her. The Commander had spent the night with her to look after her and make sure she wouldn’t have any more bad dreams, doing the same for her was the least she could do, so she did her best to quiet her brain and closed her eyes. Minutes later she had also succumbed into a deep slumber.

 

………………………

 

When morning came Raven was the first to wake, the light of the sun hitting her almost directly in the eyes and prompting her to roll over. Her arm landed on something that felt a lot like skin and Raven’s eyes opened wide in panic, only calming when she noticed who she was touching. The Commander was in the same position she fell asleep in, curled up on her side and facing Raven, the omega was sure she hadn’t moved a single muscle since last night.

 

The fact that there was sunlight meant that it was late enough for the Commander to miss training, so in any minute Lana would come in looking worried and awkward about waking her up.

 

Raven’s predictions became a reality about fifteen minutes later, the handmaiden came into the room quietly, locating herself on Raven’s side of the bed after seeing her awake.

 

“She has a lesson with the Nightbloods in half a candle mark, if she doesn’t show Titus will hear about it and he will know she didn’t assist training,” Lana said, a worried frown on her face as she pulled at her sleeves with her hands.

 

“Go and tell him that he needs to replace her during the lesson, I am leaving today and she needs to take me somewhere before that. I need to leave as soon as possible if I want to make it to my Clan before it’s dark so I need her to take me there now.”

 

“I will inform him and I will have breakfast brought up to you right away, is there something else you need?” the handmaiden asked.

 

“Would be cool if you could bring some clothes from my room and send my bags down or to the rooms where Bellamy and Miller stayed the night, they could take care of them.” Raven said, receiving a nod before Lana left the room.

 

Then came the sad process of waking the Commander up, Raven knew the alpha would wake up as soon as she touched her, but Raven couldn’t help but feel bad about it, the Commander hadn’t really slept much, it was more sleep than she had gotten the past couple of nights, but still not enough to feel properly rested.

 

“Lexa,” Raven whispered as she placed her hand on the Commander’s bicep, her whole body tensed and her rand rushed to find the place under her pillow. “No need for the knife, it’s just me.” Raven said, already knowing that that was going to be the Commander’s first reaction.

 

“Raven, good morning,” the Commander whispered, her voice hoarse with sleep as she pushed herself into a sitting position. “Did you sleep well?”

 

“I did, you?” Raven asked and the Commander offered her a smile, rubbing her right eye with the heel of her palm.

 

“Yes, better than the past few nights.”

 

“Great, I know you have a lesson in a bit, but we need to visit that kid before I leave so I told Lana to tell Titus to replace you, she will be bringing up breakfast soon, too,” Raven said, feeling slightly unsure, not knowing if she had overstepped.

 

“Okay, do you wish to wash yourself?”

 

“Yes, I will try to make it quick so you can wash yourself, too.” Raven said, the Commander nodded her approval and stood up, walking towards a table where a huge map was laid on. Raven sighed and shook her head, walking towards the Commander and standing a few steps right behind her. “You know you could just take the next few minutes to relax instead of going straight back to work, right?”

 

“I already overly slept, I can’t continue to be irresponsible,” the Commander said and Raven arched her eyebrows.

 

“The sun is rising, it’s early, it is an ungodly hour to be awake,” Raven insisted, but the alpha didn’t move, maybe she was asking too much of her. “Okay, I’ll go take a bath now.”

 

Raven was a few minutes from finishing cleaning up when someone knocked on the door.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Lana brought your clothes, should I enter and give them to you, or would you prefer to change out here?” the alpha asked, her voice muffled by the door. Raven smiled to herself, thinking about how endearing it was that the Commander knocked instead of just coming in, respecting Raven’s modesty as if she hadn’t seen her naked before.

 

“I’ll change out there, I am almost done now.”

 

The Commander didn’t respond, but Raven knew she had probably moved away from the door. The omega finished washing her body and stepped out of the tub, drying her body with a soft towel before wrapping herself with it.

 

After she got changed and after the Commander had washed herself, they shared a quick breakfast, not wanting to waste time and needing to speak with the boy and his mother. With a number of guards following closely they made their way around the city until they finally reached a small home, very tiny and made of remnants of the old world, slabs of concrete still standing and serving as the walls.

 

The Commander lifted her fist and knocked against the door, a few shouts were heard from the inside and moments later the door was being opened. A middle-aged woman with dark curly hair and brown eyes stood there, eyes wide and mouth agape.

 

“Heda…” She mumbled before dipping into a deep bow.

 

A fast string of trigedasleng left the Commander’s mouth a moment later. Raven only understood two words, Skaikru and Arkadia. The Commander must have requested entrance because a moment later the woman was ushering them inside, offering them chairs to sit on and fresh water to drink. The Commander denied her offering quickly, but Raven didn’t have the chance to do the same when a cup of water was pushed into her hands.

 

The Commander said something else, Raven couldn’t figure it out, but because of the hand motions she assumed she was asking the other woman to sit as well. The woman sat down in front of them both, tucking her hair behind her ears and watching the Commander with slightly widened eyes.

 

“Raven, tell me what you wish to say and I will translate for you,” The Commander said and Raven nodded her head, thinking about what she wanted to say for a few seconds before she opened her mouth.

 

“I think my people could help your boy with his leg,” Raven said, stopping for a moment so the Commander could translate. The woman’s eyes moved from Raven’s face to the Commander’s and when the alpha finished speaking the woman was turning to Raven with wide eyes. A rush of words came out of her mouth and Raven turned to Lexa for their meaning.

 

“She wants to know if you speak true, the healers she has seen told her that the boy’s leg has no form of repair.”

 

“I can’t assure that he will be able to walk on his own again, but we could help him gain some mobility, we could help with pain management, and if the leg is truly of no use, we could design a brace for him that will be much more comfortable that the splint he is using now,” Raven said, her eyes on the woman’s, only moving away when Lexa started translating. 

 

“She wants to know how, or if this would cause her boy pain,” The Commander said and Raven swallowed hard.

 

“Our technology allow us to see the inside of his leg to see what is the problem, depending on what’s wrong he could need surgery to fix the damage, after that he would go through recovery, then physical therapy, then, only if he needs it, we would take measures for a brace, I designed my own so I would help with that. He would not be in unbearable amounts of pain; we have medicine that helps a lot with pain management.”

 

As the Commander reproduced the information in trigedasleng Raven watched the woman’s face change, different emotions flew all over her factions, wonder, surprise, shock, fear, confusion, all of them in quick succession. It took a few moments to answer, but when she did the Commander didn’t translate to Raven, she just kept talking to the woman for several minutes. The Mechanic guessed that she was asking more questions, several of them, and apparently, they didn’t involve her as much as they involved the Commander.

 

After what seemed like forever the woman stood up, bowing deeply to the Commander once more and speaking to Raven one of the few words the omega actually knew.

 

“Mochof.” she said as she held one of Raven’s hands in both of her own, her eyes filled with tears.

 

Raven only nodded in response, not knowing what was going on and turning towards the Commander with a confused expression.

 

“What happened? She seemed really worried; does she think that we are going to hurt him?” Raven asked the Commander.

 

“No, from what you said she assumed that their stay in Arkadia wouldn’t be short, she was concerned about food and living arrangements, she was concerned about what she could offer you for trade as she doesn’t have much to offer. And she was not sure about getting her son’s hopes up when so many healers have already told her that the leg is useless.”

 

“Okay, and what did you say to her? I could have told her about my leg, shown her that even if we can’t fix the leg it will probably will feel a lot better than just having it splinted like that.”

 

“I told her that I trust the Skaikru doctors, that they have saved my life in the past and that I have faith in their healer. I also told her that living arrangements and food would be arranged for her, and that I would take care of the debt Abby’s services may leave. Have her send me a letter with what she would like to trade for her services.” The Commander said as she stood up.

 

“Does that mean that she agreed to come?”

 

“Yes, she was worried about how she would communicate with your healers, but Lincoln is still living in Arkadia if I am not mistaken.”

 

“Yeah, he is, and Octavia is also there, she is fluid in trigedasleng as well so they could help out,” Raven said with a big smile, the Commander offered one back to her, only much smaller.

 

“She went upstairs to wake up her yongon and to pack some bags with clothes, it’s only her and the boy so it will only take her a couple of minutes, she said she would do it as fast as possible.”

 

“That’s great, I’ll just reach out to Abby and give her the heads up,” Raven said as she fetched her radio from its place hanging from her belt. The Commander gave her a nod and left the house to give her some privacy.

 

“Abby, hey, are you around?”

 

“I am here Raven; will you be departing soon?” 

 

“I am, I just saw this kid, his leg is a bit of a mess so I was wondering if you could give it a look, maybe we can help out. The leg is splinted right now, so I figured that if we can’t give him some mobility back, we can at least figure out something more comfortable.”

 

“Of course, ask his parents and make sure the Commander agrees, if everyone is okay with it, I would gladly see what we can do.”

 

“Perfect, it would be nice if you got a room arranged for the boy and his mom, I figure a room with a double bed would be good enough. The Commander also said for you to let her know what you would like to trade for your medical service and for letting them stay and feeding them.”

 

“Sure, I’ll make sure there’s a room ready for them. I wasn’t thinking about asking for anything in return so I will have to give it some thought, tell the Commander that I will get back to her on that. See you tonight, Raven.” Abby said, and Raven took a deep breath, hoping that everything with the boy would go well and that he would at least be able to move around unassisted.

 

……………………

 

Almost an hour and a half later the boy, Koa, and his mother, Sara, were safely sitting inside the Rover. They were all ready to go, bags inside and engine warm, but Raven still needed to say goodbye.

 

“Farewell, Raven,” The Commander said as she extended her arm, waiting for Raven to take it.

 

The omega grasped the Commander’s forearm and gave it a gentle squeeze.

 

“May we meet again, Heda,” Raven said, offering the Commander a small smile. “Your city is pretty cool.”

 

“You are always welcome,” the Commander said, nodding humbly at the compliment. “Thank you, for everything.” She said, fixing Raven with a meaningful look.

 

“No need, take care of that shoulder, maybe you should let Abby give it a look.”

 

“I might,” the Commander said, remembering that she had to let go of Raven’s arm at some point. She looked down at their interlocked arms and noticed the bracelet on Raven’s wrist. “I never got the chance to ask if you liked it.”

 

“Shit, I am such an ass, I never thanked you for this. And yes, I love it, it’s very beautiful, thank you,” Raven said, stopping herself from face palming as she looked down at the bracelet, firmly tied around her wrist as it had been ever since she got it. The omega watched the Commander’s shoulders release some of the tension that had been accumulating there, as if the Commander was relieved to hear Raven had liked her gift.

 

“You are not an ass; I am glad the bracelet was to your liking. Have a safe trip.” the Commander said as she finally let go of Raven’s arm.

 

“I will, try not to get ran through by any swords, okay? You are not allowed to bleed all over anyone else but me!” Raven said as she got into the rover, not missing the amused smile on the Commander’s face.

 

“I’ll do my best, Raven. Stay safe.”

 

Raven was already inside the rover with the doors closed, but she still heard the Commander’s worse, especially those two that had left her mouth last. She didn’t know why it shocked her so much that the Commander wanted her to stay safe.

 

She didn’t know why that made her chest feel so warm either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to let me know what you think in the Comments!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry about the wait, and again, sorry about not updating Build me a happy ending yet, I am really struggling with it. I already have 20 pages written of the next chapter in that story, I don't usually post unless I have 30, so, let me know if you want me to post what I have so far. I kept myself from updating this story for a while because I wanted to update BMAHE first, but that's really taking me some time to write so here it is, a new update. Hope you guys like it, and thanks for all the comments and the kudos.
> 
> I hope to hear from you all in the comment section!!

“Don’t think we didn’t notice you came back smelling more like a certain alpha than like yourself,” Harper said quietly from her place next to Raven.

 

She had gotten back to Arkadia the night before, feeling thoroughly exhausted and ready to pass out. She made sure Koa and his mom were settled and comfortable before she walked right to her room and got to sleep, which is why she only saw her friends the day after, during breakfast.

 

Raven only smirked at the comment, turning to look at her friend with bright eyes.

 

“Can you blame me?” Raven said, not the slightest bit ashamed. She knew it was normal for the Commander’s scent to be somewhat attached to her, she had slept more in the Commander’s bed than in her own, and the bed was probably the most private place any person had, the Commander’s was injected in her scent, it was no wonder it remained on Raven’s skin.

 

“Guess I can’t,” Harper said with a smile, “I must say she smells damn good.”

 

“You should see her naked,” Raven whispered, feeling a shiver run down her spine at the thought alone. “Hottest person I’ve ever met in my life, fantastic in bed as well, she has given the word orgasm a whole new meaning. I thought my sex life had been pretty good before, but now, with her, nothing can compare.”

 

“That good?” Harper asked, eyes wide, she rested her elbows on the table and placed her head in her hands, looking back at Raven with interest. “She sounds amazing, you are pretty crazy though, I don’t think I could ever approach the Commander.”

 

“It is not my fault really, it was the malfunctioning implant, if it wasn’t for it heat wouldn’t have caught me in the Commander’s company.”

 

“I would say she is an idiot,” Octavia said from Raven’s other side. “Sleeping with her to relieve heat is one thing, sleeping with her for no reason is just plain stupid.”

 

“I had a reason to sleep with her,” Raven said, not giving Octavia the pleasure of upsetting her. “She gives me mind blowing, earth shattering, life changing orgasms, I am not letting those go just because people here don’t like her.”

 

“Sleeping with the enemy is never a good idea, Raven,” Octavia said with a frown on her face, her voice laced with annoyance.

 

“She is not our enemy anymore and if you or anyone else keeps seeing her like that, that just means you are all pretty stupid.”

 

“So, what?” Octavia said, contempt in her voice as she turned to look at Raven in the eye. “You like her now? You and her are not only fuck buddies but besties as well?”

 

“I like how she fucks me,” Raven said, crude as ever, making Harper snort from her place by her side. Octavia seemed to go red in the face with anger. “Of course, we aren’t besties, but I am not blind, she has been making sure we don’t starve to death, and she has made sure the other Clans don’t move against us. I know what she did to us in the past, but I am not stupid, you don’t bite the hand that offers you help. Winter will be here soon and guess who is going to send help for us, guess who is going to make sure we have enough food and proper clothing. People here can think as they will, but she is helping us survive and I am not going to take that away from her.”

 

“I hope you think the same when she ends up stabbing you in the back,” Octavia said as she stood and walked away.

 

“Don’t listen to her, Rae, is not like you are going to catch feelings for the Commander, you are just having fun and no one can make you feel bad for that.”

 

“Yeah, it’s not like I really care about her, I am going to be angry if she ever does something to fuck us over, but it’s not like she can mess with me personally.”

 

“Yeah, we all know how O is, just give it some time, she will see this is not a big deal.”

 

………………………………

 

_Commander Lexa,_

 

_How are things going back in Polis? I hope the woman at the Market was able to get some more of those berries you like. I thought it would be cool if I sent you a letter about Koa and about his leg, I know you wanted me to keep you updated with that, so, here it goes._

 

_Apparently, what happened is that Koa fell from a tree, guess where did he land? I am not a doctor so I didn’t understand much of what Abby said, but there is one thing for sure, Koa is not paralyzed, he feels his leg just fine, if the amount of pain he feels is any indication. Bending and unbending the knee hurts him more than keeping it immobile, which is why they kept his leg splinted like that, so it doesn’t move, and so it doesn’t hurt as much._

 

_Abby says that his body has tried to heal itself, but with his knee as messed up as it is things didn’t heal as they should. Abby will have to open up his knee, she will have to not only fix the mess, but also everything that healed wrong. She could probably explain this better than I can, but I just want you to get the general idea. She thinks he will be able to walk again, maybe the pain will not be completely gone and maybe his leg will never be as stable as a completely healthy knee would be, but she says that if the healing process goes well and if the physical therapy is done with constancy and discipline he will be able to walk and he will be able to bend and unbend his knee with only minimal pain and some instability. He will not be able to run at full speed, or to jump around like all the other kids do, but he will be able to do much more than what he can do now, he will be able to walk without the crutch. I know it is not perfect, and it is not ideal, but this is much better than what we hoped for._

 

_He is happy, his mom is overjoyed and I have already started designing his brace, right now I only have prototypes and things of the like, it really makes no sense to build the brace right now when I don’t have clear measures of his knee, I will start measuring once the surgery is done and once some of the swelling is down._

 

_Abby has scheduled to have the surgery two days from today, around the time you will be receiving this letter, she still wants to get a few more tests done to make sure there will be no complications during the surgery, we are also getting some other tests done to see if he is allergic to any of our medications, he will need them to recover properly so we really need to make sure he can take them, or to make sure we figure out something to replace them in case he can’t._

 

_The recovery process will be long and difficult, his leg has been splinted for so long, has been unused and that has led to muscle atrophy, we will have to help him built that muscle and even if it will be a slow process we know what the end is going to look like. A kid walking on his own, probably with a slight limp, but walking all the same._

 

_I really hope you are as happy about this as I am, who knows, maybe this will be the highlight of your day._

 

_-Raven._

 

_…………….._

 

_Raven of the Sky People,_

 

_By the time you get this letter Koa would have had his surgery, it is my wish to know how he is doing, I have been on the receiving end of Abby’s surgeries and while I am sure they are all quite different, it was not pleasant waking up from it, it was less pleasant still to find myself unable to move and with a wound that required great care. I imagine that for a child it must be worse._

 

_Hearing about the possibility of his recovery is and will continue to be the highlight, not only of my day, but of my week, knowing that he will be able to move around mostly unassisted and that he will be able to find something to dedicate his life to without the limitation of his leg makes me grateful. I am aware that people with physical limitations such as this are capable of doing many things, most of my people do not agree and that would have made Koa finding a First much harder, he would have had to find something to do on his own and without guidance, which makes this already difficult world much harder._

 

_It is my hope that you know how valuable what you have done is, Raven. What you have done for this boy is something that I won’t ever be able to repay you for. There is nothing in this world that I could give you that would suffice for what you have done for him, you changed his life for the better, you have given him the opportunity to live without pain and to have options._

 

_I would like to know how you are doing back home, are you well? I imagine your friends must have been happy to see you. I am sure you will be working hard to build Koa the best possible brace, and while I trust your capabilities I would like you to take some time to rest, when you were here you were working hard, spent long days under the sun overseeing the park. It would be good for you to take some time to rest._

 

_I would appreciate if you continued updating me about Koa._

 

_Farewell,_

 

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru._

 

_………………………………….._

_Commander Lexa,_

 

_Don’t think for one second that I didn’t notice the fact that you completely ignored my question about how things are going in Polis. I know you don’t need to tell me anything, but if there are any impending wars I should know about, I’d like to know._

 

_Koa’s surgery was a few days ago, it went perfectly according to Abby, he remained stable during the whole procedure and the surgery went according to plan. For the next few days he won’t get to move much, we have to let the wound heal for some time, so he is just going to stay in bed all day, have some of our less than impressive food and watch cartoons and movies, he doesn’t understand most of what the characters are saying but I think the moving images are entertaining enough. We will ice his knee as much as we can, we will keep his leg bandaged and wrapped up nicely, we will keep an eye closely on him to prevent infections and of course, we will always listen to him to see if he is in too much pain, right now he seems to be doing just fine. He was a little nervous before the surgery, but that’s only to be expected, I know this place might not be too nice for you guys who are used to the fresh air and the colors and the natural light. A bit of nerves were just to be expected, but he fought them like a true warrior and I am sure he will face the rest of his recovery the same way._

 

_Thank you, for what you said, about what I did. I just… what happened to Koa hits close to home, I know how it feels, how it is to have your body betray you, and he is just a child, he shouldn't be worrying about any of this, I just want him to get better. Are there other kids in situations similar to his? because if there are I’d be happy to talk to Abby, I am sure she would be happy about helping them as well, right now she is always pretty busy leading our people and stuff, but I know that medicine is her real passion, she would be happy to help, I am sure._

 

_She would also be happy to help you, with your shoulder, I mean, I am sure there must be a way to give it some stability, you should really let Abby give it a look next time you are here._

 

_I will be sure to keep you posted about Koa, so far everything is going really well, nothing to worry about._

 

_Let me know how things are going in Polis, or else I would just imagine the worst possible case scenario. Unless it is some top-secret stuff that I can’t know._

 

_Say hi to Lana for me, and please, don’t let Titus get you with his brooding, you look damn fine when you are all broody and serious, but you know what are my preferred looks of yours._

 

_Raven._

 

_…………………_

 

Two days later, the Mechanic did not receive a letter in response, she frowned to herself for better part of the day, well, since the afternoon at least. The letter was always brought to her after midday, it was never at the same exact time, but also, there was never much of a difference.

 

Her day only got weirder when a sudden council meeting was called late into the night. Every member of the council was in attendance, including Clarke, Bellamy, Sinclair and Lincoln, who had been brought in mostly as an advisor on grounder relations, the same spot had been offered to Octavia, but the girl had rejected it, saying that she had no interest in partaking in council activities.

 

Raven was just there to accompany Sinclair, she wasn’t really a member of the council, that spot was his, even if he wasn’t really her superior, he still had the most years of experience and so he got the spot at the Council instead of her.

 

“What is it, Abby?” Sinclair asked once the Chancellor finally made a rushed appearance, barely sparing any of them a glance as she sat at the head of the table.

 

“I just got off the radio with Kane,” Abby said, her tone somber. “Things are not looking good in Polis. There might be a shift of power sometime soon, one that might not be in our favor.”

 

Raven froze, a shift of power, had something happened to the Commander?

 

“Did something happen to Commander Lexa? She has not died,” Lincoln said, completely resolute, his voice holding no doubt. How exactly did he know that the Commander wasn’t dead? Raven didn’t know, but she was comforted by his certainty.

 

“A coup, led by the Queen of the Ice Nation, she has rallied the clans against Commander Lexa and is trying to have her removed from power.”

 

“She called for a vote of No Confidence,” Lincoln said, and the sudden paleness of his face made Raven feel sick to her stomach.

 

“She did, and the Ambassadors of the remaining Clans backed her-”

 

“Wait a second, what is a vote of No Confidence,” Bellamy asked, cutting Abby off before she could continue.

 

“There are only two ways to remove a Commander from power, death and an unanimous vote from the Ambassadors of the 13 Clans, the vote of No Confidence is called when the leaders of the Clans no longer find the Commander fit for duty, unworthy of their power,” Lincoln slowly explained, “If Commander Lexa is not dead now, it means that she was not executed after the vote.”

 

“And what does that mean?” Raven asked rapidly, the words dropping out of her mouth in a rush. She could feel herself getting unsettled from the inside out, her entire being vibrating with uneasiness.

 

“It means that the vote was not unanimous, that is the only thing that could stop the execution of a Commander after a vote of No Confidence.”

 

“Kane was not in favor,” Clarke said, her voice flat and blank, her eyes on the grey metal of the table. Her face registered no expression except for the faint sneer on the corner of her mouth.

 

“No, apparently, when the Ice Queen was rallying the Clans against the Commander, she did not try to recruit us. She thinks the Commander weak for accepting us into her Coalition, she believes we are too similar to the Mountain Men, and she thinks that the Commander only brought us into her Coalition because she is afraid of what we could do now with the power of the Mountain, or because she wishes to seize that power for herself. That’s why she didn’t try to put us against Commander Lexa, because she refuses to recognize the legitimacy of our place in the Coalition and because she thinks we are only the 13 clan as a result of Commander Lexa’s weakness,” Abby said, her tone grave as she leaned forwards, resting her elbows on the surface of the table. Her face was twisted into a deep frown, lines of worry surrounding her eyes and the corner of her lips.

 

“So basically, all her people turned against her because of us,” Sinclair said slowly, trying to make sure he had understood properly. Abby nodded slowly in response and Raven felt bile rush up her throat.

 

“Even if the Ice Queen does not recognize us as a legitimate Clan of the Coalition, the law does recognize us as such after Kane took the brand. His vote invalidated the vote of no confidence and stopped the immediate execution of Commander Lexa.”

 

“What is the problem then?” Bellamy asked as he crossed his arms over his chest.

 

“The problem is that the Ice Queen issued a Challenge, a duel to the death, tomorrow her son will fight Commander Lexa,” Abby responded.

 

“Wait a second, if the Ice Queen is going to have her son fighting for her, why didn’t the Commander do the same?” Sinclair asked, taking the words out of Raven’s mouth.

 

“Many reasons,” Lincoln said, “Having someone else fight for her would be a sign of weakness, and if she got a warrior to fight for her and they lost, she would be executed after. It is also a matter of honor, dying by the hand of an opponent that bested you is a honorable death, dying by the hand of an executioner after the warrior who fought for you lost, it is not. She would never risk the life of one of her people, not when the only thing at stake is her own life.”

 

“The reality we are facing right now is that if Commander Lexa dies tomorrow, we lose the only thing, the only person, that is keeping the rest of the Clans from uniting against us. If she dies tomorrow, the joined force of 12 Clans will come for us. What I need right now is for all of us to design a plan of attack in case the Commander dies tomorrow. Do you all understand?”

 

Everyone nodded quietly, the severity of the news driving them all to silence. The rest of the night was spent firing off ideas, designing plans. They decided that the rest of their people would not be notified of the possible war until it was absolutely necessary.

 

None of them slept that night, war plans were never truly done, never properly finished, much less when you only had one night to plan, but they did the best they could as they waited for Kane to reach out to them and tell them the result of the duel.

 

Raven sat in front of the computer, missile codes at the ready, begging whoever was listening so she would not have to use them. She prayed, she prayed as hard as she could for Commander Lexa’s wellbeing, pleading for her to be okay.

 

She told herself she only did that because of the benefits Commander Lexa’s survival would have for her people.

 

Deep down, she knew there was something else, too.

 

……………………..

 

“There is something I don’t understand,” Raven said suddenly, breaking the silence in the council room. As they spoke a duel had begun in Polis, Marcus had been keeping them updated and the last time he reached out his presence had been demanded at the arena.

 

“What is it?” Abby asked, turning her head towards the omega. She was very exhausted, Raven could see it all over her face, deep bags under her eyes, her shoulders hanging low and not straight and firm like they usually did.

 

“Even if Commander Lexa loses the Ice Queen can’t take over the Coalition, the Conclave will be called and one of the Nightbloods would take Commander Lexa’s place,” A sudden rush of bile up her throat made Raven stop talking, she closed her eyes and swallowed hard, trying to fight off the nausea. Her body was so tense it vibrated, she wouldn’t be able to calm her mind or her body until the she knew if the Commander was okay or not. “I don’t see any of the children Commander Lexa has raised herself calling war against us, why does Marcus think that we will have a war in our hands if she dies today? what aren’t you saying?”

 

Abby sighed and shook her head, straightening in her seat. The other members of the Council sat up as well, straightening in their chairs with panic in their eyes.

 

“Mom,” Clarke said, visibly aggravated.

 

“The Ice Queen has a Nightblood of her own, one she hid from the world until now, she’s much older than Commander Lexa’s Nightbloods, as they should have been in the same Conclave. I have no doubt that the Commander’s Nightbloods are well trained, but do they truly have a chance against someone that is so much older than them and that got trained so differently?”

 

“An Ice Nation Nightblood,” Lincoln murmured under his breath, his face white as a sheet of paper. It wouldn’t be such a problem if the girl had grown up in the Polis tower and trained like all the other Nightbloods, but she had grown in the Ice Nation, poisoned by the beliefs of their Queen. “She will follow her Queen’s agenda.”

 

“Yes, that’s why we must be prepared. The Conclave will probably last a couple of days so that will give us time to prepare further if the Commander were to lose.”

 

“What are her chances of winning?” Bellamy asked suddenly, his tone layered with worry as he leaned his elbows on the table.

 

“There’s no way of knowing for sure, I haven’t met the Ice Nation Prince, but I am sure his mother chose him for a reason. We don’t know the Ice Queen either but I wouldn’t make my son fight anyone unless I was certain he would win,” Abby said.

 

“Prince Roan is tall, muscular, very strong and skilled. It is said that he didn’t receive the training of a warrior only, but also the training of an assassin and a scout. Rumors say that he is able to kill three men in the time it takes the first one to hit the ground,” Lincoln provided, mournfully, he had faith in his Heda, he would always hope for her victory, but he could not deny that Roan was a worthy opponent.

 

Raven looked away from the table, giving everyone her back as she closed her eyes. Almost a week ago she had seen the Commander, she had spent the night with her, seen her fall asleep and eat and breathe. She had seen her smile and let out the tiniest and shortest of laughs, it was so surreal to think that in a matter of moments she could just die.

 

“I have seen her defeat people twice her size,” Raven said as she turned to face the table once more. “Thrown them over her back like it’s nothing, she’s so so fast, too.” _but she is injured, isn’t she?_ A quiet voice said from the back of Raven’s head and the omega’s stomach turned into knots.

“What is it?” Sinclair asked, fitting Raven with an intense stare. “You sounded certain and towards the end you seemed to lose hope.”

 

“When I was there she got injured,” Raven said quietly, looking down at the bracelet the Commander had made for her.

 

“Injured? How badly?” Abby asked, a deep frown quickly twisting her features.

 

“Her shoulder was dislocated, her ribs… they had to be at least bruised with the level of discoloration in her skin,” Raven said, not looking up.

 

“You have only been back for a week and a couple of days, she is in no state to be fighting anyone,” Abby said, standing up and starting to pace around the room, rubbing her forehead out of sheer frustration.

 

“She is going to fight to the death injured and weakened,” Clarke said with a faint sneer in her face, her eyes filled with contempt, “Leave it to the Commander to make the best decisions.” Sarcasm dripped from her voice and Raven looked up, for a moment she thought she would jump over the table and slap the sneer off Clarke’s face, but she didn’t, she tightened her hands into fists and leveled the blonde with a glare.

 

“She made the decision not to wipe us out when we got here, she made that decision again when we burnt down one of her villages with our flares, she did it again when Finn went and massacred 18 of her people, she did it again when we murdered Anya and when we killed 300 hundred of her warriors. So, yes, Clarke, leave it to her to make the best decisions.” Raven said, the snark and the anger in her tone painfully apparent. She knew the blonde was about to retaliate when Abby put a hand up and silenced her daughter.

 

“Was her arm severely impaired after the dislocation? Could she move it or was she in too much pain?” Abby asked, turning her gaze back to Raven.

 

“She didn’t seem to be, not that she would tell me. She wore no sling and I didn’t see any healers around her quarters, she just kept her arm close to her side and avoided moving it much. People there don’t allow her much rest so she was back in training the day after-” Raven was interrupted by a sudden static noise coming from Abby’s radio, Kane’s voice came quickly after.

 

“Abby, are you there? Abby,” He continued to call, the doctor grabbed the radio and answered as fast as she could.

 

“I am here Marcus, what happened?” Abby said. Every member of the council was staring at the radio, waiting for a response, waiting to know if they would have to prepare for war or not. Raven could barely breathe, she couldn’t be dead, she just couldn’t.

 

“She won, Abby. It was close, very close, there were moments where I was sure she was going to die, but she won and she killed the Ice Queen. Roan is King now. I don’t know him enough to judge, but Commander Lexa seems to think fairly well of him.”

 

Raven fell back on her chair, the force of the relief she felt making her bones weak.

 

“Wait a second, how did the Ice Queen end up dead if the duel was against Roan?” Bellamy asked, and the conversation continued like that, focusing on what the change meant for their people.

 

No one asked if the Commander was okay, no one asked if she was badly injured during the fight, no one cared. And the realization fell on Raven like a pile of bricks, she knew that the Commander already thought that people only cared because of the role she played, and Raven saw an example of how true that was as she sat on that table. Minutes ago they were all worried about whether she would live or die, now that they knew she wasn’t dead and that because of that their clan was safe they didn’t care at all. 

 

Was she the only one worrying about her wellbeing after the fight? What if she ended up dying because of an injury she sustained during the duel?

 

Once the flow of the conversation slowed and moved towards an end, Abby allowed herself to relax against her chair and dismiss the rest of the council, wanting to share a few words with Marcus in private. Everyone left, except for Raven.

 

“Wait a moment, Marcus,” Abby said before she turned to look at Raven, “Is there anything you need?”

 

“I want to know if the Commander is fine, I mean, if her injuries are bad, we still have reason to worry,” Raven said and Abby had the decency to look slightly embarrassed for not thinking about that herself.

 

“Is the Commander okay? Did she sustain any serious injuries during the fight?” Abby asked Marcus.

 

“Not that I can tell, no. Only a couple of cuts and bruises, nothing life threatening,” the man responded and Raven nodded to herself, feeling a little better after hearing that and then standing up to leave the room.

 

…………………..

 

_Raven,_

 

_Apologies for the delay, I didn’t mean to make you wait for a response for such a long time._

 

_I am glad to hear that Koa’s surgery went well, how is he doing? is he in pain? I imagine that by this point he is still resting the leg, or has the process of physical therapy started already?_

_I am quite curious about this “cartoons” and “moving images” you mentioned, I am afraid I am not sure what you mean, but I thank you for trying to make his stay pleasant, I must admit that Arkadia is not one of my preferred places. Do not take it personally, it holds resemblance to the Mountain and that still might result slightly unsettling to my people._

 

_I apologize for ignoring your questions about how things were going here, I did not wish to cause you any worry when I was unsure of how things would develop. I am sure that by now you know that the Ice Queen issued a challenge and I saw myself being obligated to fight her son. Everything is okay now; Roan is king and I believe him to be much more reasonable than his mother. She had a very particular dislike towards me, one that he does not possess, I have faith that he will be a good king, he understands honor and debt and right now he owes me his life. I do not trust him, but I don’t see him as a threat, not like I saw his mother. Worry not, Raven, your people are safe. Again, excuse the delay, during the fight my writing hand was injured and writing felt uncomfortable, I didn’t wish to keep you waiting longer so here is my response._

 

_I am very appreciative about your proposition, I am sure, not only here but in many other villages around the Clans, there must be many kids in need of medical assistance. I was thinking maybe some of the warriors that were more fatally injured during battle could benefit from Abby’s expertise, they live painful lives and I am interested in making their pain diminish._

 

_I plan to visit the Chancellor in the next couple of days, it will be a short visit as the main reason for my travel is to oversee the progress of the rebuilding of TonDC, but I hope to speak to Abby about the possibility of getting these warriors her help._

 

_How are things going back at Arkadia? I imagine you must be enjoying being back home and seeing your friends. You must know that yesterday I witnessed the children playing war in the park, there is no question, Raven, having a castle to the defend has brought a new level of enjoyment for the children._

 

_Lana sends her greetings back and she says she will be pleased to see you again so soon (she usually travels with me)._

 

_Farewell,_

 

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru._

 

As soon as she finished the letter Raven laid back on her bed, closing her eyes in relief, the Commander was okay, truly okay, she hadn’t heard from her directly since the last letter she sent, which went unanswered for such a long time, Raven felt like she could finally breathe properly and she was happy to know that she would be able to check on the Commander with her own eyes in only a couple of days.

 

_Commander Lexa,_

 

_Gosh you really need a break; you had just gotten injured and then came the stupid duel. Wouldn’t it have been better to have someone fight for you? I know there is honor involved and such, but it couldn’t have been fun to go into that fight with that shoulder. I got really worried there for a second, I have seen you fight and you are damn good at it, but still I had my doubts, one never truly knows how those things are going to end. I am glad you came out of it victorious and I hope having Roan as king will make things easier for you._

 

_I know what the Ice Queen did to you, what she did to her, and I know having her finally gone must mean something to you, something very important. I kind of wish I had been there to celebrate with you, I am sure I would have convinced you to get drunk, we could have danced all over her ashes. The Ice Bitch is gone!!!_

 

_(I really hope you didn’t find any of this insulting, I really didn’t mean to. I know killing her doesn’t make the pain hurt less, but still, knowing that she won’t be here to continue hurting you, or anyone else is really meaningful. I know you probably aren’t happy about this, and I’d like to know how you are feeling about her being gone, but just in case, I will be happy for the both of us.)_

 

_Koa is in a bit of pain, not going to lie, but I promise you it is nothing major, we are still icing the leg and we hope that in a few more days the swelling will have lowered enough for him to start moving it a little. He is doing good, I swear, don’t worry about him, he is in good hands, I am keeping an eye on him and so is Abby._

 

Raven paused right there and tried to think of the best way to explain what cartoons were to the Commander.

 

_Cartoons… imagine a drawing, an image done in paper, or parchment, or whatever you use. With computers and technology people in the Old World made those illustrations move, creating a sequence of moving images until it looked fluid and natural enough, usually they were made for humor. Some of these cartoons only have music as background and the characters that appear on it do not talk, but some of them do talk and they did this by recording people’s voices and then adding it to the cartoons. I am sorry if you didn’t understand much of my explanation, I will be sure to show you once you come here, if you have a bit of time, of course._

 

_I really hope you and Abby are able to figure something out, I support the idea completely and I will be sure to help with the designs of braces or splints if any of the injured warriors were to need it. I don’t see why Abby would refuse to help, but I think this is all a great idea, I think that would also help unite our Clans, maybe your people would finally see that we want to help and that we don’t want to hurt anyone. I know we are more like the Mountain Men, but we are not them and we really don’t want to cause any trouble._

 

_You should totally let Abby check out your arm once you come, there has to be something she can do, I am sure._

 

_I wish I could see the kids playing war with the castle we built them, must be so cool, hope the game doesn’t get old by the time I go back to Polis._

 

_I also wanted to say thank you, I know the Ice Queen used the fact you let my people into your Coalition against you, I know she used that to form the coup and I am sorry your life was threatened because of us. I know probably no one makes the effort to thank you about this kind of thing, but I have this theory of you being as human as I am, so, thanks for putting yourself on the line for us, for defending our place in the Coalition, for going through all the trouble you went through to make sure Clarke wouldn’t be killed. I can’t speak for everyone here, but I believe myself to not be a complete asshole, I am truly very grateful._

 

_Guess I’ll see you soon, Commander._

 

_-Raven._

 

……………………….

 

Two days later Commander Lexa was receiving Raven’s later, with her hand still bandaged and aching with pain she unfolded the paper, the letter was long and she liked that, she liked hearing Raven speak and even if she wasn’t physically there, the Commander could hear Raven’s voice in her head when she read her words.

 

Different emotions cursed through the Commander’s chest as she read over the letter, hearing Raven’s thoughts about the Ice Queen made her smile in amusement and hurt inside all at once. The omega was right, killing the Ice Queen didn’t alleviate her pain, but at least she now felt like Costia could truly rest in peace.

 

She was happy to hear about Koa and about how he was doing, even more so when she heard how Raven was working hard to make sure his stay at Arkadia would be a pleasant one. Confusion came after at the description of cartoons, she wasn’t sure she understood, but she thought she had managed to catch a bit of the concept.

 

The end of the letter was what truly threw her off, she read the paragraph over and over again, understanding the words but having trouble believing they were truly directed at her. Raven was thankful, she felt very grateful towards her and she was sorry she had had to put her life at risk to save her people. The Commander frowned in confusion, the letter shaking in her hand as a warm feeling spread over her chest and made her eyes blur with moisture. 

 

She was not a stranger to thank yous, or to her people being grateful about what she did for them, she received thank yous sometimes, especially in Polis, but the fact that it came from Raven, from a person belonging to a Clan that was particularly hostile towards her and her people’s ways made the words all the more meaningful. For some reason the fact that the words came from Raven made it special, the Commander wasn’t sure when did that happen, when Raven’s words started to matter, but they did, and she was sure she would always hold that letter close to her heart.

 

_Raven,_

 

_Do not worry, everything is okay now and your people are safe. I apologize for causing you worry, that is why I kept the unrest here to myself, I did not wish to trouble you with these matters, I assure you, your people are safe and I will continue working to make sure they remain well and protected._

 

_I know that given my injuries it would have made sense to get one of my gonas to fight for me, that is not what I wanted. During war I have no choice but to send my warriors to fight for me, for our cause and for what I think it’s better for all of our people, but with the duel I had a choice and I wouldn’t sacrifice one of my warriors when my life is the only thing at risk, my warriors have families, friends, children, I would not take them from their loved ones just so they can fight for me, not when they have so much to lose. That’s why I decided to fight even while being at a disadvantage, no one is waiting for me to get back home, there are no children waiting for me to get home and play with them, and my Nightbloods are well trained and ready, I have faith in them, they are all deserving of their blood and they would all make good Hedas._

 

_I am glad you are pleased with my victory and while I can’t be sure about Roan, I do find him to be much more reasonable than his mother. I do not trust him, but he is the better alternative._

 

_I was not insulted by what you said, I know you have a very particular manner of speech and I have come to enjoy it with time. I am not sure about how I feel in regards of Queen Nia’s death. Perhaps I am unable to truly process and comprehend that she is gone, perhaps her death doesn’t change anything. I feel like before, and I am not sure how to describe it. Forgive me, speaking about feelings is still difficult for me. I just hope Costia is resting peacefully now, I wasn’t able to avenge her properly before, to get justice for her death, now I did, and I just wish her to be at peace._

 

_I am relieved to hear Koa is doing as well as it can be expected, I wish for his recovery to be as painless as possible and I trust Abby and you will make this possible. I remember how Skaikru sedatives feel like and it is most impressive. Send my greetings to him, I will be sure to visit him next time I am in Arkadia._

 

_I believe I somewhat understood what cartoons are, I cannot properly picture them, but I think I got the overall concept, I’ll be sure to spare a few minutes to be able to see them when I arrive in your Clan, perhaps I will be able to see one of this cartoons alongside Koa, I would like to spend some time with him._

 

_I was surprised to see how appreciative you are of my actions. It is my duty to protect you, Raven, and because of that, even if I value your thanks greatly you still must know they are unnecessary. I will protect you until I am no longer able to. I will make sure you are safe, I know your people are distrustful and I know they are sometimes hostile towards me, but worry not, none of that makes my drive to protect them diminish, they are my people._

_Do not apologize, my life is always threatened and if the Ice Queen hadn’t used your people joining the Coalition as an excuse to remove me from power, she would have used something else. Do not tell me you are sorry, the danger comes with my position, I have accepted it and I have made peace with the fact that my life will not be long, that’s okay as long as I am able to keep you and the rest of my people safe for as long as I am able to._

 

_Yes, Raven, we will see each other soon. I was doubtful about sending this letter at all, for I will be arriving at TonDC a day after you receive this letter, but I will be spending a few days there so I assumed you would prefer to receive an answer sooner rather than later._

 

_Farewell,_

 

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru._

 

Raven frowned through most of the letter, seeing what the Commander thought about herself, how little worth she gave to her life, how she didn’t seem to care about dying, how she expressed that she knew that nobody really cared either… It all made Raven feel sick to her stomach, the whole letter was written with no real feelings coming through. The Commander didn’t even seem to understand Raven’s worry, she had just assumed Raven’s concerns were directed towards the Skaikru and their future in the Coalition, when in reality her real worry had been about the Commander’s wellbeing and about her almost death experience.

 

_Why would she think you were worried about her when you told her you didn’t care about her right to her face?_ A voice echoed in the back of Raven’s head, the omega’s stomach rolled in disgust, that had been so cruel, but it had been the truth, right?

 

_Right?_

 

……………………………

 

“I am not sure if Marcus let you know, he must have, but just in case he didn’t I’m letting you know that the Commander is coming here to see you,” Raven said quietly as she sat with Abby for breakfast. 

 

The Doctor looked up from her food with a surprised look on her face.

 

“Marcus mentioned she would go to TonDC, not here.”

 

“She says she will be just be passing through, that she wants to check on Koa and talk to you about a few things before leaving, she doesn’t plan on staying long. I received this letter yesterday and in it she says she will be arriving in TonDC in tomorrow, a couple of days after that she will get here.” Raven said calmly as she also started pushing her food around in her plate, she wasn’t in the greatest mood, she hadn’t been since she read the letter the day before.

 

She knew the Commander hadn’t meant to upset her, but she still was upset, and she wasn’t sure why.

 

“Did she mention why she wants to talk to me?” Abby asked as she turned to look at Raven.

 

“Yes, nothing bad, it’s mostly related to Koa and how we possibly could help other kids and warriors that were badly injured during times of war. She wants us to see if we could do something for them.”

 

“Oh,” Abby said, blinking quickly in surprise, that had not been what she was expecting. “We will have to speak to everyone here, make sure we are ready to receive her.”

 

“I agree, maybe we should tell everyone what she did for us, everyone pretty much hates her and she knows it. I don’t think that makes any difference to her, but it still can’t be nice.”

 

Abby hummed thoughtfully for a moment, nodding to herself, her eyes lost somewhere over Raven’s shoulder.

 

“I will call an assembly tomorrow and I will talk to everyone; in the meantime, I will speak to Lincoln and ask him how exactly we can make the Commander feel welcome here.” Abby said and Raven nodded, a half smile making its way across her mouth, it didn’t quite reach her eyes and Abby noticed. The Doctor moved a hand and placed it on Raven’s own, giving it a gentle squeeze as she ducked her head to look into Raven’s eyes.

 

“What is it? You seem upset,” Abby said, not giving Raven room to deny what she had said.

 

“Just stuff the Commander said on the last letter she sent; it was just… I don’t know, rough, I suppose,” Raven said and Abby frowned, her features twisting in concern as she looked back at Raven.

 

“If she is hurting you in any way-”

 

“No, it’s not like that, it’s something she said about herself,” Raven explained as she shook her head, the fact that Abby’s first assumption was that the Commander was hurting her made her feel all the worse.

 

“I’d be easier for me to follow if you told me what she said,” Abby said gently, trying not to upset the omega further.

 

Raven debated with herself for a while, she wasn’t too comfortable sharing the things the Commander had told her with anyone else, they were private things and the Commander had shared them with her, no one else. It seemed wrong for Raven just to voice those things to someone else. She decided she would wouldn’t go too into detail, she would just say enough for Abby to understand and to get her take on things.

 

“She basically told me that her death didn’t matter, that no one would care or would be hurt by it, and that if it happened everything would be okay because she has faith in the abilities of her Nightbloods.”

 

Abby didn’t respond for a long while and so Raven arched her eyebrows, motioning with her hands for the Doctor to say something.

 

“I think she was just being honest with you, I have told you this before, and I will say it again, the Commander may be many things, but she is not a liar,” Abby said, patting Raven’s hand with her own and offering her a sympathetic smile. “Sometimes the truth is painful and ugly, that is her reality, her life, I am sure she didn’t mean to upset you by saying that, that’s just her truth.”

 

“I know, I know that’s her way of life, but how does someone get out of bed every morning if they think they are so worthless, that they don’t matter?” Raven asked, a frown firmly set between her brows.

 

“I think that even if there’s no one to care for her, she cares deeply for her people and she wants to do her best for them. She gets up every morning and fights for them.”

 

“But who fights for her?”

 

Abby didn’t have an answer and Raven saw that in her face, in the way the Doctor opened her mouth just to close it quickly after.

 

“That’s fucked up,” Raven said, feeling even more upset than before. “She must feel alone.”

 

“You have me, Raven, you have your friends and you have Sinclair, we have your back, we care about you and we are here to support you. The Commander and her situation are not your responsibility, nor something you should feel bad about, you’ve got people on your side and she doesn’t, that just means that you are lucky, that’s just how life is…”

 

Raven looked away from Abby and down at her feet, the boots the Commander had given her were keeping her toes warm and comfy. She frowned to herself and felt a knot build in her throat, her jaw clenched on its own accord, her body doing everything it could to hold the tears at bay. Raven couldn’t understand why she was so affected.

 

“That’s so unfair,” Raven whispered, avoiding to look up, afraid of crying once she looked into Abby’s eyes. “Don’t you think everyone should have someone?”

 

“Yes,” Abby said gently as she curled her arm around Raven’s shoulders, “I think everyone should have someone. The Commander is just in a very difficult position, from what I have seen and from what Marcus has told me, she doesn’t seem to have much time to herself, she watches over 13 different nations, it must be difficult to find someone while she barely has time to breathe.”

 

“But you think she will find someone?”

 

“I hope so. She is very isolated, might be difficult for someone to get through to her, especially after what happened to her last partner,” Abby said and Raven pulled away at once, looking up at Abby with wide eyes.

 

“How do you know about that?”

 

“Clarke mentioned it, she was trying to make me understand the threat of the Ice Nation and why we shouldn’t join their side even if they asked us. She told me about Costia, what the Ice Nation did to her, it is truly sickening.”

 

Raven only nodded, not wanting to say anything else about that specific subject. That was only the Commander’s story to tell and she was sure she wouldn’t be happy about Clarke telling it to other people.

 

“Let’s just try to make sure our people are not dicks to her when she comes,” Raven said as she stood up, her food untouched, she wouldn’t have been able to get it down anyway.

 

………………………..

 

They made sure the gates were open, they prepared one of the best rooms they had, they had a platform set up in the dining hall where they placed a table with only a few chairs, only one of them had been covered in furs and cushioned, the one where the Commander was meant to sit. They had the best of their food cooked and prepared and they dressed as formally as they could.

 

Raven had been sure to wear her chocolate colored leather jacket, the one the Commander had sent her all those months ago, she wore her boots and one of the pair of pants and a shirt the Commander had given her.

 

She also had the bracelet the Commander had given her clasped around her wrist. 

 

(She barely took it off anyway)

 

Abby was standing just inside the gate, Raven at her side with the rest of the council, except for Clarke. She had explicitly told the guards to keep their guns down, if a single gun moved towards the Commander that person would get in deep trouble.

 

“Shouldn’t be much longer now,” Lincoln mentioned, and almost like he had predicted it several horses appeared from the tree line.

 

Raven recognized the Commander in the middle of the caravan, red sash whipping in the wind, two riders flanked her sides, three at her back, another two just in front of her, never blocking her, but just a few feet in front of her, probably so they could get in the way if anyone were to attack her. Another group of five warriors rode behind the initial group, they had a cart with them and a dead deer was laid upon it.

 

They got closer and closer, until the group of riders was just outside the gate, the Commander dismounted first, her feet steady as they fell over the ground, her body guards dismounted closely after, falling into step beside her as she walked up to Abby.

 

“Chancellor Griffin,” The Commander greeted first, tilting her head down in a short nod as she offered her arm to Abby.

 

“Commander Lexa, welcome to Arkadia,” Abby said, taking the arm offered to her and noticing the flimsy bandage that was wrapped around the Commander’s palm.

 

“Thank you,” She said, letting go of Abby’s arm to glance at the people standing beside her, “Council,” she greeted, offering them a small nod as well. “Raven,” she said then, offering her arm to the omega.

 

“Heda,” Raven said with a smile, squeezing the Commander’s forearm gently. The Heda didn’t return the smile, but she did return the gentle squeeze to Raven’s arm and let her fingers brush lightly over the omega’s as she moved her arm back.

 

“It is not my intention to disrupt you, or your people, my stay won’t be long. I will approach some matters will your Chancellor and I will be on my way,” The Commander said, her voice louder than necessary. Raven knew it was so the people who were standing around witnessing her arrival would hear as well.

 

“Feel free to stay for as long as you need,” Abby assured, “You are not disrupting us, we have prepared a small feast for you and your warriors, we hope you are hungry.”

 

Raven saw the Commander’s eyebrows twitch just slightly in surprise, an invisible gesture that everyone would have missed unless they were staring as closely as she was. The staring allowed her to see the hollowness of the Commander’s cheeks that hadn’t been there the last time they saw each other, and also the deep bags that framed the underside of her eyes.

 

“We are,” the Commander said, “we brought a deer in hopes that our stay won’t deplete your resources. I took it down myself, I can order my warriors to take care of it and bring the meat inside once it is ready. I believe you have your own methods to keep meat from going bad, yes?”

 

“Oh, thank you, that’s very thoughtful of you,” Abby said, stumbling over her words in surprise. Her people weren’t the most proficient hunters, they still relied heavily on the supplies they had gotten from the Mountain, on everything they had managed to grow in the greenhouse and in smaller animals they had managed to catch. Abby knew they hadn’t gotten a taste of deer in quite some time. 

 

“Your stay is not a bother, though, you won’t be depleting our resources. You can tell your warriors to bring the meat in later, we will save them food and keep it warm for them.” Raven mentioned once she saw Abby wouldn’t say anything else.

 

“Very well,” The Commander said, turning back towards her gona and speaking to them in fast Trigedasleng. Someone from the group stepped forwards and came back inside Arkadia’s gates by the Commander’s side, Raven recognized her at once.

 

“Lana! Hey, how are you?” Raven said, offering the girl a smile. The beta flushed adorably at the greeting, not expecting Raven to speak to her.

 

“I am well, it is good to see you, Raven kom Skaikru.”

 

“You too, Lana, let’s go inside, your food is ready,” Raven said and soon enough most of the Commander’s warriors as well as Arkadia’s council were making their way inside the camp.

 

……………………….

 

The dinner went according to plan, there were no issues, no problems, no asshole making a distasteful comment. Maybe everyone was a little on edge and a little unsure, but they hid it well and so the Commander spent the following hours sitting with Abby and the rest of the council, her chair purposely placed slightly higher and on the head of the table as a show of respect to her status.

 

The subjects were kept light, innocent, mostly about how things were going at Arkadia. Raven wasn’t that surprised, the Commander was not much of a talker, she preferred to listen and to observe.

 

She made a few suggestions here and there, but she mostly listened with a thoughtful expression on her face.

 

By the end of it the Commander agreed to meet with Abby first thing in the morning, she had pushed to have the meeting right away, but Abby insisted against it, pointing out that both the Commander and her warriors must have been tired after the traveling and the hunting. The Commander agreed and that’s how Raven ended up walking her towards her room in Arkadia.

 

“I knew Lana was coming so I made sure she would have the room next to yours, she will be close if you need her,” Raven said as she opened the door to a room and walked Lana inside.

 

It had taken some time to convince the Commander to stay inside the camp instead of staying in the camp her warriors had set up outside, but after Raven had pointed out that they had prepared a room for her and Lana and that that would make it easier for her to meet with Abby the Commander couldn’t deny, with the condition of having three of her warriors around at all times, they would come and go in shifts so that they all could get some rest.

 

“Would you like me to prepare your room, Heda?” Lana asked the Commander, who turned to look at her with a faint shake of her head.

 

“No, just go to sleep Lana, I made sure the Commander’s room was all ready,” Raven said, responding for the Commander. The Handmaiden looked visibly torn, glancing from Raven to the Heda and then back again.

 

“Rest well, Lana,” the Commander said, offering the Handmaiden a nod. The girl nodded her head and went inside the room, telling the Commander to call for her if she needed anything.

 

“Commander,” Raven said with a smile, opening the door for the Commander’s room, she walked her inside and closed the door behind them. The Commander placed her travelling sac on the floor and looked around the room, the walls were bare and completely gray, as was the ceiling, the bed was made with all white sheets and two pillows were placed on it, there was a desk and two floating platforms on each side of the bed. She noticed that on both platforms there were two candles and two pots with plants on them, one on each platform, they were the only thing giving the room some color.

 

“I know this place must be really shitty to you, with its lifelessness and all the metal and the lack of color, so I added the plants and the candles in hopes they would make it less shitty, you did give me those candles so please don’t think I didn’t like them, I just don’t know where to get candles,” Raven said with a tentative smile on her face.

 

“It is a good place to sleep, Raven, I have slept in places…” The Commander cut herself off, frowning slightly before she continued to speak. “This is paradise in comparison.”

 

“Yeah?” Raven asked, a frown developing on her own face. She knew what the Commander’s room in the tower looked like, she knew there was always light coming from the sun or moon, making the candles that were all over the place almost unnecessary, she knew it was warm, that Lana always made sure the fire was fed and that it would hold for most of the night, she knew there was no way their awful sheets would ever compare to softness of the furs, or the smell of the wood. “What kind of places?”

 

“Those are long stories, unpleasant, too. I rather not make this expression appear on your face,” The Commander said, taking a step closer to Raven only to press her fingers gently against her brows until the frown that was there disappeared.

 

The omega couldn’t stop herself from smiling, and she couldn’t stop the warmth that spread all over her chest either. She crushed the feeling before she could process it and threw her arms around the Commander’s shoulders. Sex was safe, there were no thoughts and no feelings involved, only lust.

 

The Commander responded in kind, her mouth hot over Raven’s lips as she cupped the back of the omega’s neck and pulled her closer into the kiss. Raven was fast to move her hands down, one of her hands resting over the Commander’s crotch and giving it a strong pat. The alpha growled against her mouth and pushed Raven’s jacked off her shoulders. Their lips separated briefly, only so the Commander could pull off Raven’s shirt and allow her hands to roam freely over warm skin.

 

Their lips came together immediately after and Raven could feel her eyes roll to the back of her head, her gut clenching at the feeling of the Commander’s tongue running gently over her own. Her hands moved down once again, not wasting time to unbuckle the Commander’s belt and push down her pants. The Commander let out a deep growl, her teeth tugging at Raven’s bottom lip and pushing her against the bed.

 

The omega fell backwards over the mattress, breathing heavily and pupils blown with lust, she expected the Commander to undress herself but she didn’t. She took off each one of Raven’s boots and then moved to unbuckle the clasps of her brace until it was all the way off. She tugged on the omega’s pants, pulling on the fabric until Raven’s legs were bare for her eyes to see.

 

Raven could only watch from her place on the bed, her chest heaving up and down as her eyes trailed down the Commander’s body, she couldn’t see much with how much clothing the alpha was still wearing, but there was no hiding the swelling bulge that pushed against her pants.

 

Seconds later, the Commander’s clothes started falling to the floor, the alpha took her coat and her pants off, leaving her only in her undershirt and tight undershorts. Raven wanted her take it all off, but the alpha didn’t, she just crawled onto the bed, wrapping and arm around Raven’s waist and lifting her until she was laying back against the pillows. Raven took the chance of having her so close to pull her close, letting their lips meet again as the Commander’s hands moved down her body, her hand cupping the omega’s center as her digits applied pressure over the fabric of her underwear, feeling the wetness that had collected there and humming over the omega’s lips.

 

Raven moaned low at the pressure against her center, the Commander’s lips trailed down her neck and stayed there, sucking and nipping, placing open mouthed kisses in every inch of skin her lips could touch. Then she moved lower and lower, giving Raven’s breasts a similar treatment, kneading one of the soft mounds with her hand while she tended to the other one with her mouth. Raven felt a shiver rush down her spine, her back rising of the bed briefly at the feel of the Commander’s warm tongue over her breast, her tongue circling the stiff bud on top, her lips closing around it, sucking, nipping at it with her teeth, making the omega’s back arch higher as she tried to look for a closer contact.

 

The Commander moved lower and lower, her lips ghosting over the omega’s toned stomach until her heated breathing was falling over the omega’s center. The Commander knew Raven didn’t like waiting, so she ripped her underwear with her hands and buried her face between her legs.

 

A startled gasp left Mechanic’s mouth, her eyes widening and her hips buckling at the direct contact of the Commander’s lips around her clit. The alpha wasn’t playing around, wasn’t making her wait and so she kissed the omega’s center, letting her tongue run languid strokes over every inch of skin, letting her lips massage her clit, rub against it, suck it as hard as they could. She seemed to start drawing then, just with the tip of her tongue the Commander drew tiny circles over Raven’s clit, she didn’t relent, she didn’t stop, she just kept the pressure steady and constant until the omega was writhing under her hold, her face scrunched up in complete bliss as her sounds of pleasure rose in frequency and volume.

 

Raven could feel it, right there in the tip of her fingers, just out of her grasp, she felt it right there, in the heat that burned and coiled tight right behind her center, in the electricity that ran through her veins, making her body jump, move without her consent as she buckled her hips, trying to get closer to the Commander’s face even when she knew it was impossible. She could feel it right there, in the way her legs tensed around the Commander’s head, her calf folded over the alpha’s shoulder and pressing hard over her back, keeping her from moving away, shaking and trembling with her impending release.

 

For a moment there, Raven felt like it would never happen, like her high would never come. The Commander seemed to be drawing it out for so long, keeping her on the very edge without pushing her off. Raven knew she had been wrong to think so when the Commander sucked on her clit sharp and hard, when she nipped at it with her teeth and delivered a solid stroke with her tongue, sending Raven into a mind-numbing orgasm.

 

A loud cry left her mouth and warm heat gushed from between her legs. All of her muscles tensing at once before they were consumed by never ending tremors, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as her sight was spotted with white, hot pleasure filling her veins and rushing down to her toes, making them curl tightly as she pressed them over the Commander’s back.

 

She regained her bearings slowly, her legs still shaking and her heart still racing, her mind felt foggy and her tongue felt heavy, she didn’t think she could move, but the Commander was travelling up her body, her mouth not leaving a patch of skin untouched on her way to Raven’s neck. She stayed there for a very long time, delivering open mouthed kisses all over the omega’s throat, her lips latching to that spot where her scent was at its peak, making the alpha’s gums ache with the need to bite.

 

Raven started humming her content soon after, small moans escaping her mouth when the Commander’s lips settled under her ear, they sucked, they kissed, they nipped at the sensitive skin, sending waves of pleasure down to the omega’s center and making her clit ache.

 

Raven’s arms came alive then, her limbs still weak and shaky as she moved her hands to bury them in the Commander’s hair, bringing the Commander’s lips to her waiting mouth. The first contact made Raven’s hips jump up, her eyes widening for a moment before they rolled to the back of her head and fell closed at the sensation of her own arousal on the Commander’s lips. The kiss was unholy, dirty and deep, the Commander brushed her tongued languidly over Raven’s, letting her warmth consume the omega’s mouth as she started to move her hips, allowing the underside of her cock to press against the omega’s folds, soaking her shaft in her fluids.

 

The first bump of the Commander’s cock against the hard ridge of her clit made a burning shot of pleasure spread goosebumps all over her body, the omega let out a loud cry that was instantly drowned by the Commander’s lips. 

 

Raven held tightly onto the alpha’s shoulders, feeling like she would fall over the edge before the Commander even pushed inside of her. A new climax was building low in her abdomen and she could do nothing to stop it, she could barely breathe, could barely follow the Commander’s hungry kiss. The alpha seemed to notice, continuing the slow movement of her hips, letting the whole length of her cock move up and down the expanse of Raven’s center, but moved her lips away from the omega’s mouth, allowing her to breathe and moving back down to her neck.

 

Raven held on to the Commander’s shoulders, noticing right away that she was still wearing her shirt. The omega instantly started pulling on it, the Commander’s lips losing contact with her neck for just a moment as the shirt went over her head, her bindings were taken off next and just like that she was left naked on top of the omega.

 

Another strangled moan left the omega’s lips, the Commander had lowered her body further, letting her abdomen and chest press against Raven’s. Raven could feel all of her, her solid abdomen, her soft breasts and the hardened buds that rested on top of them press right against her own. The sensation made her shiver uncontrollably and one of her hands moved down, avoiding to touch the Commander’s back and sinking her nails over the swell of her ass.

 

“Please, Lexa, please,” the omega begged, the Commander was barely moving her upper body, letting her ass, her hips and her legs do all the work as she continued to brush the underside of her cock against Raven’s center. “I need you inside, please.”

 

“Are you ready for me?” the Commander asked, her voice raspy and low. Raven knew she wasn’t trying to be sexy, that she was merely aware of her length and her thickness and that she was trying to avoid hurting her, but still, the sound of her voice made a gush of wetness drip between the omega’s legs.

 

“So ready,” Raven gasped, bucking her hips up, trying to make the Commander’s thick cock slip inside of her. “Fuck me, please.”  

 

She didn’t need to ask again, the Commander moved a hand between their bodies, taking a hold her shaft and letting the head rest at Raven’s opening. She then settled her arm back against the mattress, lifting her head from the omega’s neck to watch her expression as she started pushing inside.

 

The omega squeezed her eyes tightly shut in pleasure, dragging her nails over the side of the Commander’s neck with one hand and over the swell of her ass with the other. The Commander kept pushing and pushing and for a moment Raven thought it would never end, having the Commander inside always felt like the first time. The pressure was overwhelming and all-consuming, spreading her walls to their limits until the Commander was completely buried inside. Raven’s fists were clenched around the bedsheets, every single muscle in her body corded tightly as her mouth formed the shape of an o.

 

“Fuck,” she mumbled, trying to keep herself from falling apart and willing the Commander to move with a small buck of her hips. 

 

The Commander never separated her upper body from Raven’s, she stayed there, pressed firmly against the omega’s chest as her legs and ass continued to do all the work, thrusting in and out of Raven in a fast motion. The feeling of wet warmth that had enveloped her senses as soon as she had buried herself to the hilt in the omega’s tight channel had almost threatened to make her spill her seed all too soon, but she wouldn’t allow that, she could barely remember anything that felt somewhat as good as being inside of Raven felt like and because of that she would make it last for as long as she could.

 

Soon the room was filled with the slapping sound of the Commander’s hips hitting Raven’s center over and over, unrelenting, each roll of her hips being met by Raven’s own, who pushed her hips up to meet the Commander’s thrusts. Raven knew she wouldn’t last much longer, she could feel her walls fluttering, clenching and unclenching around the Commander’s swollen shaft, trying to keep it inside and unwilling to let it go. Moans spilled from her mouth freely, fueled by the soft grunts that the Commander was letting out right by her ear. The small grunts were soft and quiet, so very low and raspy, so fucking sexy, that Raven almost missed hearing them when the Commander latched her lips back to the sensitive skin of her neck, delivering a searing bite just as she grinded her pelvic bone right against Raven’s clit.

 

The omega came with a loud cry, her nails violently racking up the Commander’s ass and towards the small of her waist as shudders spread all over her body, her muscles shaking and spasming as wave after wave of pleasure crashed against her. The feeling of the Commander’s seed splashing all over her walls only made them squeeze harder, milking the Commander for everything she had. The Commander’s climax was much quieter, but just as intense, a long quiet moan escaping her lips as she rolled her hips lightly against the omega’s. Her mind had gone quiet, blissfully empty of everything except for the warmth of the omega lying beneath her. The Commander softly hummed in content, pumping her hips slowly to help the omega ride her climax, her lips and her tongue instantly moved to work over the bite, lapping at the indentations left by her teeth to soothe the ache.

 

She moved her lips up the column of Raven’s throat, dropping innocent kisses here and there until she reached the Mechanic’s ear.

 

“Are you okay?” The Commander whispered, pulling back slightly so she could see the omega’s face. Her eyes were closed, her lips parted as she tried to catch her breath, her forehead was pearled with sweat and she looked completely spent.

 

“Fuck, yes,” Raven mumbled, letting out a small laugh as she attempted to open her eyes. She felt completely boneless, barely coherent as the aftershocks of her orgasm continued to rush up and down her body. “More than okay, so fucking good.” She slurred, reaching up with her hand to cup the Commander’s cheek and bring her down to a sloppy kiss. “I just need a minute, okay? Then you can give me another one of those, that didn’t even feel like an orgasm, that felt like a bunch of orgasms all tied into one with a pretty bow,” Raven was sure she wasn’t making much sense but she didn’t care.

 

“Take as long as you need,” the Commander whispered, pressing another slow languid kiss to Raven’s lips. And damn, how was she so good at that? “Did I hurt you?” Fuck, she was so impossibly endearing, too.

 

“No, I just don’t think I can ever get used to the way you can fill me,” Raven said, watching with half open eyes as a dark red flush colored the Commander’s small ears.

 

“I’m sorry, I know it can be uncomfortable,” the Commander said, looking down at herself for a moment with a small frown, “We don’t have to use it when we do this, I don’t have to put it inside of you if you don’t want me to, I can please you in other ways.”

 

Raven looked up at her for a moment, not even knowing how to respond, alphas only half as blessed as the Commander was, if not less, flaunted themselves around like they were god’s gift to the human race, and here the Commander was, having the most amazing body Raven had ever seen, feeling unsure of herself because her size could be uncomfortable for whoever slept with her. 

 

How was she even real? Raven had no idea.

 

“I won’t say no to being pleased in other ways, I’m definitely open to it,” Raven said with a smirk, hoping to erase the worried frown on the Commander’s face, “but I definitely enjoy very much the way you feel inside of me and you always make sure I’m as ready as I can be to take you, I really appreciate that.” And she really did, the people she had slept with hardly did that and having even a finger inside when she wasn’t ready could be pretty awful.

 

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” the Commander said and Raven felt her chest fill with warmth.

 

“You aren’t, I promise.”

 

“Okay, good,” the Commander said, giving the omega a short nod. 

 

“Do you think you can have your way with me again?” Raven asked with teasing smile on her lips, knowing already that the Commander wouldn’t deny.

 

“You said you needed to rest for a moment.”

 

“I am ready.”

 

“You are sure?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay.”

 

***********************

 

Raven felt almost bad about asking, almost. The Commander had finally started to fall asleep after Raven managed to convince her to stay in bed. Yes, it was the Commander’s room, and yes, it was her bed, but the Commander didn’t want to make Raven walk back to her own room and she didn’t want to impose by sleeping on the same bed with her. Raven had been quick to point out that they had slept together plenty of times, but the Commander insisted that it was not the same, for in Polis the bed was so big they didn’t actually touch each other while they were asleep, in Arkadia the bed was tiny, they had to sleep pressed closely together and if any of them moved towards the edge they would fall for sure. She didn’t want to make Raven uncomfortable and she didn’t want to violate her space so she offered to sleep on the _floor._

 

Raven was having a really tough time remembering why she hated the Commander in the first place when she was being so fucking endearing and making Raven feel all stupidly warm and soft inside. The warmth that bloomed in her chest was quickly squashed down again, the Commander and her had sex, they **did not** do feelings.

 

Sex, not feelings. _Sex,_ not feelings. _Sex, **not**_ feelings.

 

After a few minutes of debating and convincing, Raven had finally managed to get the alpha back into bed by her side, and that alpha had begun falling asleep when Raven was unable to contain her curiosity.

 

“Hey, earlier, when you mentioned sleeping in worse places, what did you mean?” Raven asked. The Commander, who was laying on her side at the very edge of the bed, trying to make herself as small as possible, was in very serious danger of falling off, Raven was pretty sure her ass was out of the bed. Said Commander opened her eyes heavily, a low hum leaving her parted lips as she tried to open her eyes to properly look at Raven.

 

“Excuse me, I did not hear you,” the Commander said, voice low and raspy with sleep. The sound made a shiver run down Raven’s back, it almost made her want to pull the Commander on top of her again, but she couldn’t, she honestly couldn’t, she was barely regaining some feeling in her legs and her center was kind of sore. The Commander hadn’t been gentle, and Raven couldn’t blame her, she didn’t like gentle or slow, and the Commander liked to give her what she wanted, even if that always made her look at Raven with concern and worry every time they finished. 

 

“You said this place is paradise compared to other places, I am curious, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, though, or if you are too tired.” 

 

“I was a Nokru goufa, a no people child, no parents, an orphan,” the Commander said, the foggy state of her mind keeping her from finding the correct word in English on her first few tries. “I was a child of the streets before I was brought to the tower, I had to fend for myself and that meant sleeping wherever it was dry enough. Sometimes when it was raining or when the snow was too bad people would let me sleep in their homes, but they were reluctant to do it, having me meant having another mouth to feed, and back then, with war and chaos all over the land resources were very scarce, people barely had enough to get by, they couldn’t afford to feed a child that was not their own, a child they were not responsible for,” The Commander spoke the words slowly and just slightly slurred with sleep. That didn’t erase the air of nonchalance that surrounded the words, the matter of fact tone that was carried with them. The lack of feeling, of care, like none of it mattered.

 

At some point the Commander had closed her eyes while she spoke and because of that Raven was allowed to stare at her, eyes wide and blurred with shock, feeling sick all of a sudden. She could not imagine it, she couldn’t think of it, a little kid alone in the street, having no home, no shelter, no food, vulnerable against the inclement weather.

 

The Commander breathed in deeply, opening her mouth to continue speaking, but she suddenly frowned, detecting something wrong in Raven’s scent. The Commander couldn’t put a name on it, she was not great with feelings. Sadness? Anguish maybe?

 

“Why are you upset?” The Commander asked, blinking quickly as she tried to rouse herself further, she analyzed her words, trying to find something offensive in them that could have bothered Raven. She didn’t think she had said anything wrong, but Raven had been fine before she had started speaking. “I did not mean to upset you. What can I do to make it better?”

 

Raven stared back at her, jaw tense and tightened, throat in knots. How could anyone be like that? The Commander was expressing the horrors that were her childhood and all she seemed to care about was the fact that Raven was upset.

 

“You didn’t upset me,” Raven said, knowing she was lying and knowing the Commander knew she was lying. But the alpha shouldn’t be able to upset her, much less with something like that, Raven couldn't get upset about it because she did not care. At all. She did not care…. Right?

 

Sex, not feelings. _Sex,_ not feelings. _Sex, **not**_ feelings.

 

“You are sure?” The Commander asked, her tone hesitant as her brows pulled slightly in the middle of her forehead, showing her concern. She tilted her head down, green eyes big and wide as they searched for Raven’s. And how was she even real? How could she be concerned about Raven’s wellbeing when she was talking about how she had had no home and no one to care for her while she was a child, she had been _homeless_ she had lived outside who knows where. Raven couldn’t understand how could she say any of that with such and neutral tone and then be concerned about Raven being upset. “You are getting upset again,” the Commander said, leaving no space for doubt, “what can I do?”

 

Raven looked back at her, mouth parted open and eyes open wide in confusion, she could not believe what she was witnessing.

 

“It’s nothing, I am just over thinking some things,” Raven said, offering the alpha a weak smile in hope the worry in her face would go away.

 

“Oh, is there something you wish to speak of?” The Commander offered, ready to dismiss their previous subject to focus on Raven. “Maybe I can help, with being Heda… I could find a solution.” 

 

“No, it's fine, you can keep telling me about what I asked before, if you want,” Raven said and the Commander didn’t answer right away, she stayed quiet for a second, just taking in Raven’s expression and demeanor to make sure she was really okay.

 

“During war there’s never a good place to sleep, sometimes we manage to set up camps, but even then, most times one ends up sleeping on the ground and when the weather conditions are bad…” The Commander trailed off and her gaze seemed to drift away from Raven’s for a moment as they got lost in a memory. “It gets really cold during the winter and sometimes we did not get to change our clothes, so we would be dirty and wet, sleeping on the ground and unable to change our clothes. I did not appreciate that.”

 

“What?” Raven asked, the knot in her throat only managing to get bigger and bigger with every word that left the Commander’s lips. “The cold?”

 

“No,” The Commander said, “the inability to change my clothes, I am not fond of being dirty. I enjoy washing myself at least daily and having fresh clothes to wear. The cold can be uncomfortable, but I see some benefits to it.” 

 

“Oh, yeah, I can see that, most of the time I have seen you you always look well put together and clean, you always smell pretty good, too,” Raven said, quickly nudging the underside of the Commander’s neck with her nose before moving away. A flush seemed to move up the Commander’s neck and color her ears, the corner of her mouth tilted up slightly and Raven felt some of the tightness in her throat ebb away at the sight of the tiny smile. “What benefits do you find in the cold?” 

 

“It’s numbing,” the Commander said at once, “it can be used to ease pain and swelling and I know it is unwise to lower someone’s body temperature, but when you are at war and everything hurts, being somewhat numb helps. It slows the rotting process, too.”

 

The small relief Raven had felt seemed to vanish all at once and the Commander noticed, she opened her eyes wide and looked back at the omega.

 

“Raven, you are upset,” she said, her voice strong and leaving no room for Raven to deny it, “Tell me what can I do so you aren’t upset anymore.”

 

“There’s nothing you can do, I am not upset,” Raven said, trying to convince herself more than the Commander. She was not upset, because she absolutely did not care, she did. not. care. “I just think going through all of that must have sucked.”

 

The Commander looked back at Raven, her expression changing drastically from concern to confusion. The omega could almost see how the Commander’s brain worked to find a connection between her messed up past and Raven being upset, it didn’t seem to make sense to her, if her expression was any indication, and Raven could relate, she didn’t think it made any sense either.

 

“Things are how they are,” the Commander said simply, without much preamble. The only thing that could have made her response worse was a shrug going along with it, but of course the Commander didn’t shrug.

 

“I know, but maybe they shouldn't be.” Raven said and the Commander nodded in agreement.

 

“There’s no point on dwelling in the past, it is only useful when you use it to build a better future, my experience as a Nokru goufa was the main reason why I decided an orphanage was needed.” The Commander said, letting out a small sigh when she noticed that the anguish laced in Raven’s scent hadn’t gone away. She reached up with one hand and pressed her fingers gently over Raven’s brow, smoothing out her frown. “Don’t be upset about my past, it is meaningless, it is not worth it.”

 

“I am not sure I can agree with you on that,” Raven said, saddening further when the Commander frowned in confusion, she genuinely didn’t understand why her pain or the things she had been through would hold any importance. The only thing that mattered about her was her ability to fulfill her duty, nothing else.

 

Before the Commander could say anything else, Raven rested her head down on the pillow and pulled the alpha closer to the middle of the bed. She didn’t bulge and Raven looked at her with a frown.

 

“Move closer,” Raven said, making her intentions clear, there was no way the alpha would sleep comfortably like that.

 

“I want to give you as much as space as I can. I could still settle on the floor,” the Commander offered and Raven looked back at her with frustration.

 

“We already spoke about this, you are sleeping on the bed with me and you will move closer because I don’t want you to fall off,” Raven said and the Commander didn’t move. The omega sighed and decided to change tactics, making it about her and not about the Commander. “Look, I feel kind of cold, if you move closer, I can press myself up against you, you are pretty warm, so just get closer so I can use you like my personal body heater.”

 

“Okay,” the Commander said as she moved towards the omega. “I can go and get you more blankets-”

 

“No, its fine,” Raven said, snuggling closer to the Commander’s chest so she wouldn’t be too close to the edge of the bed either, she settled down and closed her eyes. She felt burdened, exhausted and she didn’t understand how the Commander could go around like that, with all that baggage on her and with no one to share it with. She should have never asked her anything.

 

There was a little shuffling around on the bed and Raven opened one eye to try and see what was going on. Commander Lexa was trying and failing to reach for the bedsheets without disrupting Raven’s position. The omega could see her arm and fingers stretching as much as they could before they finally managed to get a grasp of the fabric. The Commander then proceeded to tug the bedsheets up until they were covering Raven’s shoulders and dear god, how could someone be like that after dealing with so much shit for so long? 

 

The Commander finally settled down and stopped moving, keeping both arms wrapped around Raven’s middle to provide as much warmth as she could.

 

“Is this okay?” The Commander asked quietly, just in case Raven had already fallen asleep.

 

“Yes,” Raven whispered, her forehead resting against the Commander’s sternum. “Sleep.” She said, feeling the Commander nod before the room was consumed by silence.

 

…………………….

 

When Raven woke up the next day the bed was cold and empty, indicating the Commander had left quite a while ago. Raven didn’t feel particularly bad about that, knowing well that the Commander’s days started at ungodly hours and that the alpha didn’t like waking her up. She incorporated herself on the bed and stretched, letting out a groan at the soreness of her muscles. She wondered for how long the Commander would stay and hoped she would have the chance to spend the night with her again. Maybe she would have to get a fuck buddy within Arkadia, because if she was only going to have sex with the Commander that would mean a lot of nights spent on her own. The thought was dismissed quickly after, she could probably try, but there was no way any other person could top the Commander, much less with the alpha superiority complex that most alphas within Skaikru possessed.

 

Her train of thought was quickly interrupted when she noticed the lack of things in the room, the Commander’s clothes were gone, as was her traveling sac and her boots. Why would she walk around with her traveling sac when she could just leave it in her room until she left?

 

Unless.... Unless she had already left.

 

No, it couldn’t be, Raven thought as she got out of bed and started putting on her clothes and brace. The Commander had said that she wanted to spend some time with Koa and that she wanted to see the cartoons, leaving so soon made no sense, there was also the meeting she wanted to have with Abby, though that meeting was supposed to happen very early in the day.

 

Raven left the room and looked around the hallway, no grounders on sight. She then checked Lana’s room and found it just as empty. A weird feeling started developing inside Raven’s stomach, she walked towards Abby’s office and went in without knocking.

 

“Raven, good afternoon, I think that if you are quick you will still find some lunch in the dining hall,” Abby said with a smile as she looked up at the omega, she knew that Raven didn’t have the healthiest sleeping pattern, that the omega had a tendency to go to bed late and because of that she would sometimes sleep in.

 

“Thanks. Have you seen the Commander?” Raven asked at once. Abby looked up at her with a tiny frown between her brows.

 

“She left a little after our meeting was over, I tried to have her stay for breakfast but she didn’t accept, she thanked me for our hospitality and left right after. She didn’t say goodbye?” Abby asked, though the answer seemed obvious.

 

“I don’t understand, she told me she wanted to spend some time with Koa.”

 

“Well, she did visit him, she brought him a few wooden toys for him to play with and she took some time to speak with his mother, after that she left. I asked her if it wouldn’t be wiser to leave tomorrow and she just told me she was needed in Polis, I stopped insisting after that.”

 

“Yeah, maybe something came up,” Raven said, completely unconvinced. Leaving without saying goodbye, not staying around to take a look at the Cartoons Raven had mentioned in her letters, not staying around for breakfast, all of it just seemed weird. “Did the meeting go well at least?”

 

“Very well, I would say,” Abby said with a smile, “She knows well what she wants and she just wanted to know if I would support her. I told her we would gladly provide the Coalition, especially with medical knowledge, and that we would for sure be happy to help any kids and any warriors that have injuries that have kept bothering over time. She said she would eventually like me to step down from being Chancellor and let Kane take over so that I can dedicate myself full time to being a doctor.”

 

“Wow, and you agreed to that?” Raven asked, her eyes wide and her eyebrows arched.

 

“I did, she is not planning to do any of that right now. We will take as long as we need to get the infirmary better staffed, we will receive a small number of patients depending on the gravity of their injuries and Marcus will train someone to become his replacement, slowly we will make all the transitions, there is no rush, she knows well how difficult a shift in power can be and she doesn’t want to cause any problems. In a few weeks we will be getting our first patients, I was hoping you could help in case any of them required braces or things of the like,” Abby said, looking back at Raven expectantly.

 

“Sure Abby, whatever you want. Don’t you need to plan all of this a bit better though? It all seems a little rushed.”

 

“Yes, of course, the Commander can’t just come here for that all the time so we agreed to have meetings via radio with Kane’s help.”

 

“Okay, great, just let me know when you need me,” Raven said as she walked towards the door.

 

“Thank you, Raven,” The Doctor said before the omega walked away.

 

………………………….

 

“You have been brooding for almost two weeks now, get over it, Rae,” Octavia said as she sat down besides Raven on the green area within the gate, she was hoping to get a letter from the Commander, she hadn’t gotten any in the past two weeks.

 

At first, she thought the Commander had been busy, that it was like last time, things had gotten difficult in Polis and so the Commander had stayed quiet for some time, but two weeks? Two weeks was a lot, especially when she had grown used to receiving letters every four days. The worst part of it all was that she could not send a letter if the Commander didn’t do it first, if she had been able to get someone to get the letter to Polis, she would have already done it. 

 

“Leave her alone, O,” Harper said, from her place at Raven’s side, “She gets to feel whatever she is feeling.”

 

“Why, though? I thought you didn’t care,” Octavia pointed out and Raven avoided to look at her, letting her head rest on top of her good knee.

 

“I don’t,” Raven said, the bitterness in her tongue making her doubt the validity of her statement. “Last time she disappeared there was a mess in Polis, I am just worried we are going to be dragged into another war.”

 

“Don’t worry, that isn’t the case,” a voice said from behind them. Raven, Harper and Octavia turned around to look at Clarke, who had just come out and was standing behind them with a blank expression on her face, arms crossed over her chest.

 

“What do you mean? What do you know?” Raven said as she stood up to face the blonde.

 

“When she came to see my mother… Let’s just say I saw her leaving her room in the morning, she tried to close the door so I wouldn’t see you, but I did and your scent was all over her anyway. I had a talk with her, she won’t be bothering you anymore.”

 

Raven saw red.

 

“What did you say to her, Clarke?” the Mechanic asked, her jaw clenched so tight it hurt.

 

“The truth. I got her off your back, you are welcome,” Clarke said, moving to go back inside when Raven grabbed her by the shoulder and forced her to turn around.

 

“What did you say to her? Do not make me repeat myself again,” Raven demanded, her hands curled into fists.

 

“You just said you don’t care, so what’s the problem?”

 

“The problem is you getting into my business, you had no right to do that, no one asked for your opinion,” Raven said, visibly seething with anger as she glared at Clarke.

 

“She is going to hurt you, that is all she does. I was protecting you and I am not going to apologize for that.”

 

“I did not ask for your protection, tell me what you told her, now!” Raven said, her voice so loud people turned to look at them.

 

“I asked her how could she even look at you after everything she has put you through, I asked her what’s the difference between what Nia did to her and what she did to you, I asked her how could she even touch you when she is the reason there are scars all over your body, when she is the reason you were tortured. I asked her how could she ever sleep by your side knowing she is your Nia,” Clarke said, eyes cold and dead as ice as she looked back at Raven, her chin lifted up in defiance. “I told her she is a cold, heartless monster and that she didn’t even deserve to share the same air as you.”

 

Raven was vibrating with anger; she could feel her face burning with rage as her heart pumped harshly against her ribs. She could barely believe what she was hearing, the Commander had shared her story with Costia with Clarke and the blonde had only used it to hurt her.

 

“You had no fucking right!” Raven shouted, pulling everyone’s gaze towards them as she pointed an accusing finger in Clarke’s direction. “And you got it all fucking wrong, because the only monster I can see is you!” Raven said before storming off.

 

She needed to talk to Abby, to Bellamy, to Miller, to someone! She needed to go to Polis and she would do whatever she had to do to get there.

 

Someone grabbed her arm and Raven turned to look at them completely enraged.

 

“What, Octavia?! What?!”

 

“That’s one hell of a reaction for someone that doesn’t care.” The young warrior said and Raven felt like she could slap her right then and there.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me!” Raven said, her loud tone making Octavia wince.

 

“Okay, wait, I am sorry, I know what you want to do and I am not letting you go to Polis on your own, let’s talk to Bell, he can get us there.”

 

Raven only nodded mutely, walking with Octavia to find her brother.

 

……………………………….

 

They left Arkadia almost around sundown, which meant they only got to Polis late the next morning. Raven hadn’t been able to sleep during the ride over; she was too furious.

 

She was angry at Clarke for what she said to the Commander. She was angry at the Commander for believing all the blonde’s bullshit. She was angry at herself for not going with her gut, she had known there was something room the moment she noticed the Commander had left Arkadia and if she had followed that feeling she would have been able to fix the misunderstanding long ago.

 

And, to make it all even worse, the guards standing by the Commander’s bed chambers were telling her she was not _available._ What the hell did that even mean? Was she in training? Was she in a meeting? She knew that wasn’t the case, she had spoken to Kane and he had told her that the Commander had been in her chambers since the day before and no one had seen her, all important matters were meant to be taken to Titus instead.

 

“Look, I understand she is not available, but she summoned me here, she told me to come and I came so she is going to be angry if you don’t let me in,” Raven lied easily, she would talk to the Commander and her stupid guards would not stop her.

 

“The Commander didn’t notify us about your arrival,” One of the guards said and Raven grinded her teeth together. Okay, not so stupid then.

 

“Did she notify you about my arrival last time?” Raven asked and the man’s eyes widened just slightly. “Exactly, she didn’t, but she confirmed that she had indeed told me to come here so let me see her.”

 

“No,” the man said, looking away from Raven and staring forwards. “No one is to go into the Commander’s chambers, Flamekeeper’s orders.”

 

Raven was just about to blow up.

 

“Rae, let’s talk to Kane, maybe he can help us-” Octavia tried, but Raven completely ignored her.

 

“Let me speak to Lana then.”

 

“The Handmaiden is not to leave the Commander’s chambers,” the guard answered, and Raven looked away in frustration, trying to keep herself from screaming.

 

“The Handmaiden was put under my service last time I was here, I am here again now, so Lana is supposed to be on my service again, those were the Commander’s _orders_ , you don’t want to go against them, do you?” Raven asked slowly, her tone low and threatening, the two guards looked at each other, looking slightly alarmed for the first time, they seemed to share a silent conversation because a moment later one of them was opening the door, just a crack, not allowing Raven to see inside. He called Lana and moments later the young woman was coming out of the room.

 

Raven instantly knew something was wrong, there were dark bags under her eyes and they were red rimmed and swollen.

 

“Lana, what’s going on?” Raven asked instantly, placing a hand on the woman’s shoulder.

 

“Raven kom Skaikru,” She said, sounding surprised to see her. “Come with me,” she continued, guiding Raven to the room that had been assigned to her last time she had come. Octavia was following close behind. 

 

Lana closed the door as soon as they were all inside and instantly reached for the inside of her coat, pulling out a small of stack of letters. There were four of them, the four the Commander should have sent over the past two weeks.

 

“Heda wrote them, I don’t know why she did not send them, when Heda fell ill I decided to keep them all safe,” the young woman said, looking like she was about to cry.

 

“When Heda fell ill?” Raven asked, her eyes widening. A shot of dread thundered through her body, making her feel suddenly weak. “What’s wrong with her? Is that why they are not letting anyone see her?”

 

“Yes, Heda started feeling ill two days ago, she fulfilled her duty for as long as she could, but the pain got too bad, she could no longer push through it so yesterday morning she could not get out of bed. The healers saw to her, but this illness has no cure, it always kills those who have it. Right now, we are just waiting for her spirit to move on, I am trying to keep her comfortable, but it is hard when Titus won’t allow her to receive anything to relieve her pain, he says she has to remain strong until the end of her fight.” 

 

“What?” Raven asked dumbly, all the blood leaving her face at once as she felt her stomach revolt.

 

“There is nothing to do but wait, the fever has taken hold of her already,” Lana said, her eyes filled with moisture, the translucent drops rolled down her cheeks and dripped to the floor from her chin. “It won’t be long now; her fight will end soon and she won’t be in any pain.”

 

Raven could barely process the words, they filtered in slowly, almost like she was underwater. But when she finally realized what Lana was saying her stomach lurched, fast and violent, leaving the omega bent over, emptying her stomach all over the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! And if you are reading BMAHE let me know if you want me to post what I have.
> 
> Let me know if you are liking this story so far, too.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 35 pages long, I really hope it doesn't bore you to death. I have had an awful couple of weeks, but anyway, I just hope you like the chapter. I'm sorry I couldn't get to answering all of the comments, I've been a little more busy than usual, just wanted to let you know that I read them all, loved them all, and will be waiting for more, so let me know what you think about this chap.
> 
> Also, for those who are worried this will be an anti-Clarke fic, that won't be the case, she will be a bit bitter and angry but not much else, she already did the worst I had planned for her to do, so it won't get worse than it was last chapter.
> 
> Alsooooo, there are 4 letters in this chapter, on the second one there is a mention of castration, I don't know if that's triggering for anyone so I thought I would let you know. So, TRIGGER WARNING, mention of castration on letter #2.  
> There are also mentions of abuse and rape, none of it actually happens, and there's nothing graphic, but thought I'd let you know anyway.
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I will see you in the comments.

_“…She was just afraid, deadly frightened, she thought that if she denied your advances you would have her tortured again, that is how you solve all your problems, isn’t it? Who knows, maybe she thought you would throw her off your fucking tower if she didn’t let you fuck her. That would put anyone in survival mode, probably made her a good actress, how else could she ever enjoy sleeping with the person that murdered her lover? How else could she ever stand next to the person that cut her up with her own hands? You delivered the first cut, or have you forgotten...”_

Clarke’s words played in her head in a loop, they were all she could think of, almost shadowing the pain that was fiercely shooting up her abdomen. In moments she was doing her best to roll over, retching violently over the bucket that Lana had been careful to place beside her bed.

 

Was she vomiting because of her illness, or because of how disgusted she felt towards herself? Lexa could no longer tell.

………………………….

 

Raven rinsed her mouth several times, Octavia was by her side with her hand on her back, sharing quick words with Lana. The handmaiden quickly offered a few mint leaves to get the bad taste out of her mouth.

 

“I need you to get me into her room now,” Raven said as she straightened and looked into Lana’s eyes.

 

“Titus forbid everyone’s entrance; he is trying to keep everything quiet. Having an empty throne is always dangerous, even more so if an enemy found out about her illness.”

 

“I could not care less!” Raven snapped, making the girl wince. “Look, I know you care about her and you know we can save her, we did it last time and we can do it now. You just need to let me in, see what’s wrong, I will talk to our healer and we will at least try. Can you really live with yourself if you let her die without even trying to save her?”

 

“No one has ever survived this, there is no treatment for it, there is nothing to do!” Lana said, her eyes watering once more.

 

“Lana, listen to me!” Raven said strongly, grabbing her by the arms and giving her a strong shake. “She was ran through with a sword and we saved her, whatever this is I am sure we can save her, too!”

 

The handmaiden just stared back at her for a second, not knowing what to do. Raven was getting more and more frustrated with every second that passed. What could it be? the grounders were sure she was going to die, what could it be?

 

“Lana, please,” Raven said quietly, squeezing her arms. The young girl offered her a nod and walked towards the door, Raven and Octavia walking right behind her.

 

In moments they were standing right in front of the guards, Lana looked up at them and straightened her spine.

 

“Heda will not be happy to know you turned Raven kom Skaikru away.”

 

“We have our orders,” the guard said. Raven clenched her hands into fists, they were wasting so much time.

 

“For as long as Heda is fighting her word will have more weight than Titus’, she summoned the Skaikru omega, so she must be let in. I imagine you would not want to go against one of Heda’s orders,” Lana said, and Raven watched as the two men glanced briefly at each other, sharing a silent conversation. Finally, one of them pushed the door open.

 

“I will not dishonor Heda,” He said as he let them pass. 

 

Raven rushed in, leaving Octavia and Lana behind as she approached the Commander’s bedside. She was lying prone on the bed, she was on her back, her hair in a simple braid that rested over her left shoulder, her face and her lips had taken a sickening pallor, gone was the healthy bronze glow that her skin always seemed to have. Her cheeks were sunken in and it looked like someone had punched her in the face repeatedly, for two dark bruises seemed to surround her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept in weeks. There was a wooden bucket right beside her bed, near her head, and even though it was empty, Raven felt the faint smell of vomit coming from it.

 

Raven had been so desperate to see her and now that she was actually in front of her, she was completely frozen, the Commander looked dead already.

 

“Raven…” The Commander whispered, her eyes only half open and red rimmed, her voice weak and hollow, lacking the strength that her tone always carried.

 

Her voice seemed to snap Raven out of her daze, she sat down on a chair that had been placed next to the bed and took the Commander’s hand in her own. Her eyes widened at the first touch, the Commander was burning, her insides were a furnace, letting heat out through her skin.

 

“Tell me what’s wrong, what hurts?” Raven asked at once, looking into the Commander’s pale green eyes as she squeezed her hand in her own.

 

“I’m-I’m sorry… I didn’t… mean to-to force you…” Lexa whispered, trying to pull her hand away, she didn’t want to keep forcing her touch onto the omega, she had already done that enough. “I’m sorry,” She repeated once more, knowing her words didn’t mean anything, the damage had already been done, she had taken advantage of her position, of her power, to force a vulnerable omega into bed with her. She should have known Raven had only accepted out of fear of being hurt by her, why else would she ever accept Lexa in her presence? She had been so foolish, and because of that she had violated an omega, the most valuable members of any clan. Anya would be so ashamed of her.

 

Raven felt something in her chest crack at the words, fury filled her veins making her want to scream until her throat was sore and raw. She looked down and into the Commander’s eyes, seeing the honesty in them, the pain it caused her to think she had somehow abused of her power to hurt the her. She could barely stand to look at it, she cupped the Commander’s cheek with her hand, feeling the heat searing against her palm, her concern growing with every second that passed.

 

“You didn’t force me to do anything, I want it, I wanted all of it,” Raven tried to reassure her, brushing her thumb gently over the Commander’s cheekbone, much more prominent than she remembered. “I need you to tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“You were afraid…” the Commander insisted, her voice hoarse and weak, laced with a pain that injected her eyes in red, “...I would hurt you...I took advantage...I am sorry… I deserve this for-for what I did… to you...”

 

“Hey, no, stop!” Raven said, her heart racing in her chest as her eyes started to water. Lexa didn’t listen.

 

“A painful… dishonorable… death.”

 

“Stop!” Raven snapped, bringing her free hand up so she could hold the Commander’s face with both hands. “It was not like that! You did not force me to do anything. Tell me what’s wrong so that I can help you.”

 

“This is my… punishment,” the Commander said, her forehead pearled with sweat, pupils blown with the fever. Raven stood up in sheer frustration, her hands going to her head and massaging her temples, she hoped everything the Commander was saying was a result of the fever, of the pain, she hoped she didn’t really believe any of that. Raven didn’t know what she would do with herself if the Commander died thinking that she had basically abused her.

 

During her panicked pacing Raven caught sight of Lana, if the Commander didn’t tell her what was wrong Lana would. She didn’t even ask the handmaiden, she simply reached for her radio and tried to contact Abby.

 

“Raven? I heard what happened, did you clear the air with the Commander already?” the Doctor asked, she had heard the whole thing from Harper, who had been the one to let her know that Raven had taken one of the Rovers to go to Polis.

 

“She’s fucking dying!” Raven said through gritted teeth, sinking her nails hard against the side of her neck to try and contain her emotions.

 

“What?” Abby said, her voice short and cold. The Ice Queen was no longer an issue, but she knew the Commander dying would not bring anything good. “What’s happening? Why were we not notified?”

 

“It is some kind of illness that the grounders can’t cure, they are just waiting for her to die, according to them she just has a couple of days left.”

 

“Tell me her symptoms, maybe it is something we can treat,” Abby said at once, she walked inside her office, closing the door behind her so no noise from outside would get in the way.

 

“I’m going to pass the radio to her handmaiden, she’s been the one taking care of the Commander since she got sick,” Raven said, holding the radio up to Lana’s mouth. The handmaiden stared at the object with wide eyes, not knowing what to do with it. “Look Lana, I’ll handle it for you, just answer whatever she asks.”

 

“Okay,” The handmaiden said, giving Raven a nod.

 

“Lana, is it? I am Abby and I am a healer, please tell me what the Commander’s symptoms are in as much detail as you can,” Abby said and Lana nodded to herself.

 

“She has a very high fever, she has been vomiting frequently, I’ve tried to keep her well fed and hydrated but she hasn’t been able to keep anything down, only small sips of water. She sometimes trembles and shudders, like chills are going through her body. And there is the pain, it’s bad, and it is located in her abdomen.” Lana said, looking nervously up at Raven. The omega offered her a reassuring nod, letting her know she was doing a good job.

 

“Okay, Lana, you are doing good. I just need to ask a few more questions. When did this pain start? You say her abdomen hurts, does all of it hurts or only one part of it?”

 

“The pain started the day before yesterday, Heda didn’t mention it but I knew something was wrong when she turned down all her meals, I saw her reaching for her stomach a few times, but she continued with her duties. It got bad during the night, she started vomiting, she insisted she was okay, but I could see her hand pressing against her lower right side, she never complained about pain, but I have seen how she acts when she is pain and I knew there was something wrong. The next morning, she was struggling to put on her armor, standing for too long seemed to pain her, she just kept holding onto her right side and asked me to get Titus. During the day the pain got worse, she told the healer that it was constant, that it never went away and that it only seemed to be getting worse and worse, she hasn’t been able to get out of bed since then, every little movement hurts her.”

 

“The pain, it is located in her lower right side?”

 

“Yes, that’s where it is focused, but it has been getting worse, radiating up her side and towards the middle of her abdomen,” Lana said, feeling Raven’s heavy stare on the side of her face. The omega only got even more concerned after the description of Lexa’s symptoms, she looked worriedly towards the bed, the Commander was just lying there, not making a sound, not moving a muscle, her breathing was so faint Raven could barely see her chest move.

 

“Lana, I am sure you know a fever is usually a sign of infection, have your healers given her anything that could fight off infection?”

 

“No, she has not been given anything. The healers recognized the illness and know it can’t be cured so they haven’t tried to help her, usually when one of our own gets sick like this the healers only give them something to help the pain and try to keep them comfortable, or they offer to end their fight painlessly, but Titus didn’t allow for the Heda to have any kind of pain relief, he says she must remain strong until the end of her fight.”

 

“Okay, Lana, thank you,” Abby said as calmly as she could. She couldn’t be completely sure of what was going on, but Lana’s description of the Commander’s symptoms had given her a pretty good idea of what it was. “I need to talk to Raven now, please.”

 

“Abby, what is it? Can you do something about it?”

 

“It sounds like appendicitis, Raven,” Abby said and Raven frowned to herself. She was familiar with appendicitis, her mother had had it when she was little, she had stayed at the medbay for like two days and in just a little while she had been as good as new. The appendix was basically a useless organ, it got swollen, so the doctors took it out and that was it. Nobody actually died from appendicitis, not in the Ark at least.

 

“Who the hell dies from that?” Raven said, turning to look at Lexa once again, had her mother looked that bad? She couldn’t remember.

 

“Someone who doesn’t get early treatment, Raven,” Abby said seriously, “If the appendix doesn’t get taken out it will keep swelling until it ruptures inside of her, if it hasn’t already, she will develop something called sepsis, her blood pressure will drop and she will die. I need you to bring her here right away, she needs surgery, she needs it now, Raven,” the hairs on the back of her neck stood on end in overwhelming panic, it would take hours to get to Arkadia, would she make it there?

 

“It will take us ages to get there, will she even make it?”

 

“She could, the appendix does not burst right away. It takes a minimum of 72 hours for it to rupture, it could take longer also, maybe four or five days, we are standing on that window right now. Get her here and let me worry about the rest. I’ll have everything ready; we will need to get some tests done to make sure, just come here, now.”

 

Raven nodded to herself, not even bothering to answer, she just turned to look at Lana and Octavia.

 

“How do we get her out of here?” the omega asked.

 

“Titus won’t allow it,” Lana said at once.

 

“She is still the Commander, she can leave if she wants to, right?” Octavia asked tentatively and Lana turned to look at her, head tilted to the side, not knowing how to respond.

 

“Of course, she can,” Raven said, “Lana, go get her stuff and your stuff, pack light, only the essentials. I will go and try to get her up.”

 

Raven walked back to the Commander’s bedside; Octavia close behind her. 

 

“Hey, Lexa, I need you to come with me,” Raven said, pulling the furs off of the Commander’s body. She was only wearing a loose long shirt and maybe shorts underneath, Raven couldn’t tell, the shirt was too long. “We are going to make you better; you will be good as new in no time.”

 

“No, Raven, this is my punishment... for what I did… to you,” She mumbled, her eyes hazy and sad as they looked back at the omega. She wasn’t listening, she just would not listen and Raven needed to get her to cooperate.

“Look at me, I am right here and I am not lying, Clarke lied to you, I don’t believe any of that and we need time to talk about this. I know you don’t know what to believe, but I need you to come with me so that we have time to get all of this misunderstanding fixed,” Raven said strongly, trying to convey her honesty through her gaze and her words. “If you don’t want to do this for yourself then do this for me, please.”

Raven wasn’t sure the Commander understood everything she had said, her fever was too high, her eyes were too hazy, her face too pale, and she was probably dehydrated. Raven wasn’t sure the Commander understood everything, but she knew the Commander had understood at least one thing.

“For you?” Lexa asked, her words slurred with pain and exhaustion. Raven felt her very bones ache.

“Yes, for me,” Raven said, watching the Commander tilt her head down in a tiny nod.

“Okay, for-for you,” the Commander said, her arms trembling with the effort she was making to push herself up. Raven couldn’t help but feel so awfully endeared by how resolute the Commander had become all of a sudden.

She should have known. She should have known from how the Commander looked, from what Lana had said, she should have known getting her up was a terrible idea. As soon as she was on her feet she doubled over in pain, retching violently as her stomach tried to expulse whatever was left in it. Her knees buckled and she would have collapsed if Raven and Octavia hadn’t been there to hold her up.

“I’m sorry-I’m sorry,” She mumbled over and over, her arms having unconsciously wrapped up around her middle.

“Shh, shh, it’s fine, I’ve got you,” Raven said at once, keeping a strong arm around her waist. Holding her up was difficult, Lexa had an inch, maybe two on her and several on Octavia, plus she was built on pure muscle. She was doing what she could but she wouldn’t be able to make it to the Rover on her own. “Octavia, tell your brother to wait for us by the elevator.”

“Tell him to wait by the back of the tower,” Lana interrupted, as she came in suddenly with two small bags on her shoulders. “We can’t allow for Heda to be seen like this, everyone will see her if she leaves out front, we must cover her up as much as we can and take her out the back.”

“You heard her, O, talk to Bell and make sure he has the Rover ready,” Raven said, doing her best to keep Lexa standing. Lana moved quickly towards them, helping the Heda into a soft pair of pants and boots, later helping her into a dark colored coat, it looked worn and old, something the Commander would probably never wear, it had a hood too, one the handmaiden was quick to pull over the Commander’s face.

“I spoke with the guards, they will make sure Titus stays away, this floor is empty as was ordered, and the guards will make sure the elevator doesn’t stop until we make it to the first floor, they will make sure the floor is vacant and one of them will help us take her to your vehicle.”

“Good, that’s great,” Raven said, her face colored with confusion, she didn’t know why the guards had suddenly decided to help.

“We must go now, soon Titus will hear what’s happening and he will not be pleased.”

“Where is he now?”

“In an assembly with the Ambassadors, that’s why he has not been notified of your presence in the tower, we are not to interrupt such matters.”

“Okay, time to go,” Raven said, taking a careful step forward. The Commander’s body tensed at once, letting out the quietest groan of pain Raven had ever heard in her life. “It’s fine, it’s fine, it won’t be long, I promise.”

It was a lie, she knew it, the Commander knew it, and if the look Octavia send her way was any indication, the young warrior knew, too.

Every step was agony in its purest form, undiluted by pain medication, present and aching. The Commander remembered the pain of being impaled by the sword, and this felt quite similar, except the sword was being pushed in and out, in and out, the jagged edges of the blade tearing apart her insides with every step she took. The pain didn’t come at her in waves, no, it was steady, constant in the way it seemed to increase after every couple of minutes, surprising the Commander, letting her know a new level of pain she didn’t remember feeling before. The elevator had never seemed so far away, it felt like ages had passed since the last time she was able to cross that same corridor with just a couple of long strides, now she was left stumbling like a child, her knees buckling like those of a baby deer, threatening to pull her down and to take Raven with her.

Raven, a woman she had promised to never touch again. Her stomach rolled in disgust at her own self, she should have known the omega’s actions had been driven by the fear of being hurt, she had cut her like a slab of meat with her own hands, why would the omega ever want to be intimate with her? with the person that had murdered her lover, abandoned her to certain death, tortured her. She should have known Raven was just afraid, she had taken advantage of her power and position, her actions had no justification, no reason to have happened, she was just repulsive.

Her thoughts halted as she felt the elevator start its descent, she leaned against the nearest wall, trying to move her body away from the omega she had violated, but the omega didn’t let her move too far away, she kept her arm around her waist, holding her up. Lexa didn’t understand, Raven didn’t need to be afraid anymore, Lexa couldn’t hurt her in her state, she would be gone soon enough. Maybe that was what she wanted, to keep her alive just so she could choose her punishment herself. Perhaps Raven thought the pain she was going through was not enough, Lexa understood, she knew it wasn’t.

“I didn’t mean… to use… you…” She sounded so pathetic, so weak, Anya would be so disappointed if she could see her.

“Shh, stop, it’s not like that,” Raven said, Lexa heard her voice, she saw her mouth move, but she could not understand what she was saying, everything was burning, with each pump of her heart heat spread all over her skin. She didn’t think it was possible, but the very air in her lungs burnt furiously, making it so hard to breathe.

“I understand… if you wish to kill me… yourself,” Lexa did her best to get the words out, but her tongue felt dry and heavy, she only hoped Raven could understand what she was saying. The law would back the omega, Trikru law protected omegas against alphas like her, alphas that abused their power and forced omegas into doing things they didn’t wish to do, alphas that hurt omegas. “I-I understand.”

Lexa never heard Raven answer, the elevators door opened and one of her trusted guards came inside, he lifted her in his arms and for a never ending second Lexa felt the need to scream her agony for everyone to hear. She could never allow herself to do that, so she bit the inside of her cheek until her mouth was flooded with iron. She stayed there, limp and shaking until she was put inside the Skaikru vehicle. Raven was already inside and her arms were open, waiting for her. The guard placed her between the omega’s arms and Lexa found herself falling limply against the omega’s chest. She tried to move away, she really did, she couldn’t keep touching the omega, but she was weak and the arms around her kept her from moving.

“Shh, shh, stay still, you are only making the pain worse,” A sweet voice whispered in her ear. Lexa thought her brain had finally started to decay; she didn’t think Raven had ever sounded so sweet. “It’s going to be a bumpy ride, maybe if I hold you, you won’t feel it as much.”

“You don’t- You don’t… care,” She whispered, trying to get herself free from the omega’s arms. She assumed Raven answered at some point but she couldn’t be sure, the vehicle started moving, rattling and bumping over the uneven ground, falling over the holes in the earth, making her body move around violently. The pain made blood rush in her ears and she couldn’t stop the quiet sounds of pain that left her mouth, she tried to muffle them against Raven’s shirt, but she was sure the omega could still hear them. So pathetic.

She knew she deserved the pain, but she couldn’t stop herself from wishing it would be over soon.

…………………….

“Bellamy, for fucks sake! Can you even drive worse than this?” Raven snapped, as her back smashed against the Rover’s door, sending Lexa crashing against her chest, her body trembled and tensed because of the pain. Raven was doing what she could to keep her steady, but it didn’t seem to be doing much.

“You can’t ask me to be fast and ask me to be careful, there is not a road I can drive over, there’s just this,” Bellamy said angrily, grinding his teeth as they went over another bump. “Try to look for the med kit, every Rover is supposed to have one in case of accidents, it won’t have much but maybe it will have something to help her with the pain.”

“Oh, and you think about saying that now?” Raven almost shouted, glaring at the back of Bellamy’s neck. The man didn’t bother answering and so Raven secured her hold around Lexa and turned towards Lana, the young girl, unused to the Rover, looked like she was going to be sick. “Lana, please, look around for a red bag, it will probably have a white cross on the front, might be under one of the chairs, I don’t know,” Raven said, the handmaiden nodded, and looked a little green in the face as she tried to look around in the back of the rover.

“Here,” the handmaiden said, holding the bag in her hands.

“Nice, open it, please,” Raven asked, watching as the handmaiden opened the bag and held it for Raven to look inside of it. There was gauze, bandages, alcohol, some syringes and vials, Raven wasn’t too sure of what to use. “O, some help here,” Raven said, making the omega turn to look at them from the passenger seat.

In moments Octavia was getting Abby in the radio, asking if any of the medications in the med kit would help the Commander’s pain. Raven didn’t pay much attention, she just held Lexa close to her chest, she knew Bellamy was going much faster than he usually would and that because of that they would make it to Arkadia earlier than expected, but she still couldn’t help but worry, what if the Commander’s appendix had ruptured already? What if she died thinking Raven believed what Clarke had said?

“Just inject this into her,” Octavia said, handing Raven a syringe, “won’t take the pain away completely, but it will help a lot.”

“You sure you got the right dose?” Raven asked, looking at the syringe in her hand warily.

“I think I know what I am doing, Raven, just give her the medicine.”

Raven was not a doctor, she was not going to try to find a vein, the best she could do was stab the Commander with the needle in her upper arm and push the plunger until all the medicine was gone. It must have been very good stuff because only moments later the Commander’s tense limbs were loosening, leaving her almost completely limp against Raven’s chest.

The omega smiled, keeping her hand on the back of the Commander’s neck, massaging gently.

“That’s much better, right?”

The Commander didn’t respond, she just stayed very still, one of her hands clenching around Raven’s shirt. The omega started pumping out her pheromones, hoping to soothe the alpha, calm her further, maybe even help her sleep for a few minutes, the less time she spends awake during the ride, the better.

“You are going to be okay; I promise. Abby will make you all better,” Raven whispered gently, her lips brushing the shell of the Commander’s tiny ear. “In a few days this will only be a bad dream, you will be just fine.”

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry,” the Heda mumbled, her forehead burning against Raven’s neck as the omega’s heart fell to her stomach.

“Shh, don’t say that, it’s fine,” Raven said, and continued to draw soft circles on the back of the Commander’s neck. “We will talk about it when you get better, okay? Now try to rest, please?”

“For you?” the alpha whispered, her words making a warm feeling that suspiciously felt like fondness spread all over the omega’s chest.

“Yes, for me,” Raven said, smiling weakly to herself when she felt the Commander settle against her and stop moving.

………………….. 

The relief that came with the medication didn’t last long, and soon enough the Commander was shuddering in Raven’s arms, her body assaulted by chills and the need to vomit. Raven had never felt time pass so slowly, hours seemed to blur into ages, her forehead permanently creased in concern as she tried to ignore the sounds of pain coming from the Commander’s mouth. They were torturing her, making her suffer, all in their try to save her. Raven couldn’t let her die, she didn’t want to, much less with how messy things had gotten between them.

“Hey, look at me, just look at me,” Raven said frantically, the Commander’s breathing had shifted, had become fast and shallow. Dread was crawling up Raven’s spine and settling into each nerve ending, spreading the sensation all over her body. She tilted the Commander’s head up so she could look at her in the eyes, they were red, filled with tears she refused to release. “We are so, so close, this will be over before you know it, just hold on for a little bit longer, yes? Just a little bit longer, I know it hurts really bad, but just hold on, okay?”

The Commander looked back at her, looking dazed and slightly confused, her pupils blown with pain and fever.

“For you?” She asked again, as if those were the only words she knew, Raven would take them, she would grab them and hold them close to her heart, they were better than all the apologies, than all the pain and all the sorrow, than all the shame that had been injected in everything else the Commander had said to her.

“Yes, for me,” Raven answered, looking back at her with a smile. The Commander couldn’t return the gesture, for her head fell limply against Raven’s collarbone, she was no longer able to keep her head up on her own.

“Bell?” Raven said, her voice cracking. The Man glanced up at her through the rear-view mirror, offering her a comforting look.

“Almost there, don’t worry, we are going to make it in time, don’t worry,” He said, but the trees surrounding them were unfamiliar, they covered everything that Raven’s eyes could see, there was nothing else.

Raven looked away from the sight, trying to trust Bellamy’s words as she held the Commander close.

“It’s going to be okay,” Raven whispered just one more time, “you are going to be just fine; I promise.”

Getting to Polis by late afternoon meant that they eventually lost light, there was a moment where Raven could no longer see the Commander’s face properly and soon after she couldn’t hear her either.

In the dead of night, with her back pressed against the door of the Rover and with the Commander settled sideways between her legs, Raven could only hear the rumble of the engine, that blunt crash of the wheels against the unstable ground, she could only hear the Commander’s accelerated breathing. The little groans that she had been letting out before were suddenly gone, and noticing that, felt like a clawed hand running down her spine.

Raven couldn’t see much, but she pressed her cheek against the Commander’s burning forehead and tried to get her attention. The quiet frightened her, she could deal with the sound of pain, but not with the quiet, not with not knowing whether the Commander was still there or not.

“Hey, Lexa, hey,” Raven said, the arm she had around the Commander’s back moving so she could shake her arm gently.

The Commander let out a low hum of acknowledgement and tilted her head up, the slope of her nose bumping against Raven’s jaw.

“Heavy,” she mumbled, and Raven frowned in confusion, she was relieved to hear the Commander speaking, but she was also anxious, she could hear how her breathing had changed patterns, she could feel how her skin radiated heat in unnatural ways, the fever felt so much worse than it had been when they left Polis.

“What?” Raven asked, trying to keep her talking for as long as she could.

“Am I heavy… for you?” the Commander asked, not waiting for an answer when she started moving away, she tensed, pain shooting up her right side and forcing her to stay still. “I can… I can sit.”

“No, no, it’s fine, you are not heavy,” Raven said quickly, “how are you doing?”

“I am well,” the Commander said at once, quickly, with practiced ease.

“You don’t need to lie to me, I know you are in pain, is it worse than before?” Raven asked, trying to see the outline of the Commander’s face in the darkness.

“You are upset…” the Commander said, her nose still pressed against the underside of the Raven’s jaw. “I can sense it… in your scent… I don’t know why, but I- I won’t trouble you… with-with… I’m-I’m well.” She finished, cutting herself short, she was exhausted, so dreadfully tired, the mere act of breathing was becoming a chore, but she would not bother Raven with her pain, not when she could feel the omega was already upset about something. If she were okay, she would be able to help her solve whatever problem was bothering the omega, but she doubted Raven would want her help, not after everything. That would probably make her feel like she owed her something and that was the last thing the Commander wanted.

Raven tried to swallow the knot in her throat, she ran her hand gently down the Commander’s bicep, drawing comforting shapes and pressing her cheek more firmly against the alpha’s forehead. She couldn’t understand how the Commander could put her first when she was the one sick and in pain.

“You can tell me, really, you won’t be troubling me, but not telling me, not knowing how you are feeling would trouble me. Just tell me, please?”

“Hurts,” the Commander said, pressing her nose further into the underside of Raven’s jaw. Even while she could feel the unease in Raven’s scent, it still calmed her. The omega’s scent was sweet and comforting, warm and welcoming, it distracted her from the pain in her insides.

“Has it gotten worse since we left Polis?” Raven asked, but the Commander didn’t hear her, she was distracted by the burning knife that was being twisted in her gut, she tried to breathe in deeply, hoping that Raven’s scent would help, but the expanding of her chest only made the pain worse. She grinded her jaw, trying to keep the pain to herself as she tried to stay as still as possible, wishing for the rattling of the Rover to stop.

“Lexa?” Raven asked tentatively, waiting for an answer.

“Yes?” the Commander answered, feeling like she was breathing fire, the air felt so hot as it traveled up her nose and down to her lungs, it was a horrible sensation.

“The pain, is it worse now?”

“Yes. I forced you… I deserve this-”

“No, you didn’t force me to do anything. We are going to get to Arkadia and Abby is going to rip out that stupid useless organ straight out of you and you will be good as new in no time.”

“I do not wish to die in here… I wish to-to see the stars… Commanders die under the-the trees-”

“Hey, shhh,” Raven said, her face twisted in a concerned frown as she pressed her lips to the top of the Commander’s head. Her arms curled up around the alpha’s body and held her gently. “Stop that, you are not dying, you are just a little sick, no one needs their stupid appendix, we will just remove it and that’s it. You had a sword between your ribs, this is nothing. You are going to be just fine.”

“Hurting you was not my intention-” the Commander said, her eyes closing on their own accord, she was so exhausted. “You were afraid I would hurt you again… have you-have you tortured-”

“That’s not true, I promise,” Raven whispered gently, “I will explain everything when you are better, but please, believe me when I tell you that you didn’t force me to do anything.”

And then, finally, Raven saw something other than trees, she saw bright lights and the paleness of grey metal.

“Octavia! tell Abby to wait for us outside,” Raven said, trying not to move as to not injure the Commander further. “We are here,” she said, her lips brushing Lexa’s burning forehead. “You are going to be just fine; I promise.”

When they went past the gates Abby was already waiting for them with a stretcher and with Jackson standing by her side. It was way past midnight and the sun would come up soon, because of that, no one was there to see the excruciatingly painful process of getting the Commander out of the Rover. Raven could only do her best to support her, to keep her steady as she was transferred from the vehicle to the stretcher. When the alpha finally fell back onto the sturdy surface, her face was illuminated by light, it was completely white, as pale as the light of the crescent moon that hung above their heads. Her sunken eye sockets were craters on its surface, dark against the rest of her face.

They raced towards the medbay and before Raven could protest the Commander was taken out of her sight, Abby needed to get some tests done, they needed to be sure about what was wrong to be able to treat it properly.

Raven tried to follow but she was stopped by a hand on her shoulder.

“You can’t come, you did your part now let me do mine, I need to make sure it is actually appendicitis, if it is, I will take her to surgery right away. The surgery would take about an hour, it’s a quick procedure. You must be really tired, go to bed and come see her in the morning.”

“No, go do your thing, I will wait here for an update,” Raven said, her tone leaving no room for Abby to argue with her. The Doctor nodded and walked away.

“Hey, you okay?” Octavia said as she came to stand beside the Mechanic, placing a hesitant hand on her arm. Raven’s jaw was clenched tight, her hands curled into fists, her whole body vibrating with pent up emotion.

“Yeah, fine. Thanks for coming with me.”

“No need, I know you won’t be going to bed, but at least go and try to get some rest in one of these beds, okay?” Octavia said, tilting her head towards one of the many medbay beds. “Try not to worry, she is strong, I am sure she will make it. Would be kind of stupid for her to go like this.”

“Yeah,” Raven said, her mouth tilting up at the corners for just a second. “She’s too badass to go like this. She just won a duel to the death with a man way bigger than her, she can’t die because of her stupid appendix.”

“I’m sure she won’t. Drink some water, lay down for a bit, I will take Lana to one of the rooms near here. That girl probably hasn’t slept since the Commander fell ill.”

“Okay, I will, thanks.”

“It’s fine,” Octavia said, escorting the young handmaiden out of the room.

Raven settled on the nearest bed, letting out a long sigh, she could feel the exhaustion weighing down on her bones, but she still felt wide awake, she wouldn’t be able to rest until she knew exactly what was going on.

For a brief moment she allowed herself to relax, the Commander was in Arkadia, Abby was taking care of her and she would get the treatment she needed, but then an hour came and went and no one came to tell her anything, with each second that passed after the one hour mark Raven’s stress levels only got higher and higher, leaving her pacing all over the medbay with a current of pain shooting down her lower back and towards her bad leg.

She was about to barge into the OR when Abby suddenly walked out. Her face was severe and blank, completely void of emotion, Raven couldn’t tell what was going on from the look in her eyes.

“That was more than one hour,” Raven said at once and Abby sighed.

“We should sit down,” the Doctor said, and the omega’s eyes instantly widened.

“She died…” Raven whispered, feeling all the blood drain from her face.

“No, she is not dead, Raven. Your limp was just more pronounced, let’s sit down and I will tell you everything,” Abby said, guiding Raven towards one of the beds and sitting down next to her.

“You took out her appendix?”

“I did,” Abby said, looking up into the omega’s eyes, “it had ruptured already, Raven,” Abby said gently, keeping a hand steady on Raven’s back.

“What? But you said that wouldn’t happen, it hasn’t been 72 hours,” Raven said, looking angrily back at Abby.

“We don’t know that.”

“Lana said-”

“Lana told us when the Commander started acting differently, but we both know that she is trained to not show any pain, any weakness, the symptoms could have started earlier and no one would have known. Let’s say you are right, let’s say that she got sick exactly when Lana told us, it doesn’t matter Raven, it could have ruptured after 36 hours, or 48… What matters is that from what I saw when I opened her up and from her state it is safe to say that her appendix ruptured quite some time ago.”

“Okay,” Raven said slowly, trying not to panic, she wasn’t dead, Abby had just said she wasn’t dead. “You took out her appendix so she should be fine in a few days, right?”

“Raven,” Abby said, her voice softer still, “I can’t tell you she will get better.”

“What do you mean?” Raven said, the edge in her voice making her words sharp like a knife.

“She didn’t get the treatment she needed, with every hour that went by without administering antibiotics…” Abby trailed off, trying to find different words, trying to make the whole situation seem less harsh. “We will do everything we can to help her, and you can be sure she won’t be in any pain.”

“No, do not fucking bullshit me, explain to me what’s going on,” Raven said, shrugging Abby’s hand off of her.

“Her appendix ruptured, all the bacteria inside of it oozed out of it and filled her abdominal cavity, because of the lack of treatment to control the infection the layer that surrounds her abdomen and all of its organs got badly inflamed. The abdominal infection has led to early signs of sepsis. We are being as aggressive as we can be with the antibiotics, we have her on very strong painkillers and we are giving her supplemental oxygen.”

“Sepsis,” Raven said, feeling dreadfully cold inside and remembering the word from when Abby had mentioned it before, “you said it could kill her.”

“It can and it might,” Abby said, letting out a long sigh, “we are doing everything we can to keep the infection under control, there’s no sign of organ failure yet and her blood pressure is not looking too bad, but at this point anything could happen.”

“So, she could get better,” Raven said, looking back at Abby pointedly.

“Yes, she could. I just want you to be ready in case things go south.”

“They won’t, she is strong, she will make it. Can I go see her?” Raven asked, already moving towards where she knew the private rooms were located.

“She is heavily sedated.”

“It’s fine, I will wait.”

“Go to bed, she won’t be up anytime soon, you need rest,” Abby insisted, refusing to let Raven go and see the Commander. “I knew you had developed some kind of relationship with her because of the letters, but I didn’t know you cared this much,” Abby said, she didn’t sound judgmental or upset, merely surprised.

“Just have someone get me when she starts waking up, okay?” Raven said, backing off as soon as the subject of caring was brought up to her attention.

“I will,” Abby said. “Try not to worry, I will do my best.”

“I know,” Raven said, glancing at the doors that separated her from the Commander one more time before leaving.

………………….

Raven walked back to her room slowly, getting rid of her clothes as the door was closed behind her. The stench of the Commander’s pain was latched onto each and every thread, drowning Raven in the smell until she was finally completely bare.

She put on a loose shirt and reached for the jacket she had just discarded, it was her favorite jacket, the one the Commander had sent to her all those months ago. Seeing it thrown on the floor didn’t sit well with her and because of that she picked it up and moved to hang it carefully inside her closet. The movement made a rustling sound come from the jacket, Raven frowned in confusion and reached inside, feeling the thick parchment that the Commander used to write the letters.

Raven’s eyes widened slightly, remembering the small stack of letters Lana had given her, the ones the Commander should have sent over the past two weeks. Raven held them in her hands carefully, brushing her thumb over her name, written elegantly over the front of the envelope in the Commander’s pretty handwriting. She opened the first one and braced herself, unsure of what the Commander wrote to her after what Clarke had told her.

_Raven,_

_I apologize, truly, wholly. I know my words carry no worth after everything I have done to you, and still, I find myself needing to express my sincere regret. I know my words won’t erase the damage that has been done and I know the last thing you would want is to hear from me again, which is why this letter serves no real purpose, but to try and fail at_ _quelling_ _my guilt. I wish I had known sooner; I would have shown you that I do value what you want and need, and that I never intended to hurt you. I thought that I had been clear, that you knew you could say no when I asked you if you wanted to continue our correspondence, that you could say no to being intimate with me, even at the last possible second. I know you can’t believe me, but I would have respected it, I promise I would have._

_Clarke explained to me that you were too afraid to say no, that you feared I would have you tied to a tree and tortured again. I am truly sorry, living in fear for so long must have been awful for you. I am glad Clarke spoke with me, now I know how you really feel and I shall not hurt you again._

_I hope you can be happy and free of fear, I will not approach you again, you don’t have to be afraid anymore._

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru._

…………………………..

_Raven,_

_There are laws against people like me. I can’t send this letter, I promised myself I would not contact you, but I do hope someone lets you know. You can come to Polis, speak your truth for everyone to hear and I will be punished. The punishment for those who violate and abuse of others the way I have abused of you is not light. They would strip me bare in front of all my people, they would cut off my braids as a way to show the loss of my position and status, they would tie me to a tree, and then they would proceed to remove my genitals. I believe you could request to do this yourself if you wish to. After that the usual ritual of death by a thousand cuts would begin and when that is over, they would proceed with beheading. I believe you could request to do this yourself as well._

_I know your people find our laws barbaric and harsh, but I consider a crime like this deserves a barbaric punishment. You must not be afraid, my title and my position don’t matter, the law would protect you. I wouldn’t get away with it for being the Commander and no one would try to harm you. I could and I would surrender myself, but I am afraid that without your testimony doing something like that would be pointless. Speak up, I promise you will be heard._

_I can’t help but wonder how you are doing, I imagine you must be better now, happier, because I have not continued to bother you. I wish I could tell you it is permanent, I wish I could show you I will not hurt you again, but I feel like that would be pointless. I wish you didn’t have to wonder if I would someday just appear in your life again, I promise I won’t, you will see that with time._

_I hope you are doing better._

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru._

_…………………………..._

_Raven,_

_I feel disgusting. I am not sure that is a true feeling, but I have no other word to express how I feel when I look at myself in the mirror every day. It is something that doesn’t go away, that stays with me every second of every day. It is a constant thought that echoes in the back of my head and that haunts me when I close my eyes. Clarke’s words turn and turn in my head, and thinking about them makes me feel exactly the same way I felt the first time I heard them._

_I remember the clenching in my stomach, the sudden bile that rushed up my throat, the bitterness that flooded my mouth just as I became ill, as I spilt the food your people had so kindly prepared for us the night before all over the floor. I know this must not matter to you, that I don’t matter to you, but I would want you to know, that I feel as disgusted of myself as you probably felt each time I touched you._

_What makes it all worse is that I enjoyed myself, I enjoyed being with you, talking to you, writing to you. And yes, I enjoyed being inside of you. I don’t know what to do with myself, I truly thought you were enjoying yourself; I was so foolish, I am sorry._

_I don’t know what to do with myself now that I know what I was doing to you, I feel like a stranger in my own skin, it itches and hurts and prickles on my nerves. I think about how your skin felt under mine, how much I enjoyed touching it, how soft and warm it was, and I want nothing but to rip off my skin, cut off my own hands. After everything I have done to you, to your people, how could I ever think that you would be okay with sharing yourself with me? I don’t think I have ever felt so foolish, so misguided by my own perception of things._

_This feeling doesn’t get better, it gets worse every day and if you never speak of what I have done to you, if you never seek for my punishment, you must know that my mind is doing every possible thing it can to shatter me. I know it’s not much, but maybe knowing this would ease the pain I have caused you._

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru._

_………………….._

_Raven,_

_I don’t feel well. The anguish I felt inside seems to be taking over my body in a physical way, the healers don’t seem hopeful, they believe in a few days I will be gone. I hope the news of my passing bring you some relief. I hope that being through what I have put you through someday fades from your memory, I know it might not happen, and that I shall remain as a dark stain in your life forever, but I will allow myself to hope that one day I will not exist in your mind._

_My death will be slow and painful, I shall receive no pain relievers, or medications, there is no cure. I will remain in my room until my death and I promise I will be thinking about you. I wanted to have a warrior’s death, I wanted to die in battle, fighting for my people. I hoped to die with my pride and my honor, but after what I did to you this seems more fitting._

_When my fight ends you will be able to feel truly safe. I long for that moment._

_I know apologies are meaningless, but still, I can’t stop myself from saying it again._

_I am sorry, Raven._

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru._

_………………….._

When she finished reading the letters her hands were shaking, her jaw was clenched tight as she did her best to contain the feelings that were building in her chest. She could feel her lungs, struggling to expand as she breathed harshly through her nose, her eyes aching and sore, letting out tears that rolled down her cheeks and that fell from her chin, dripping on the Commander’s letters, making the black of the charcoal run and turn the letters into meaningless shapes.

In moments she was on her feet, fists clenched tight as she moved towards the door. She would have a word with Clarke, and it wouldn’t be pleasant.

When she walked outside, she almost crashed against Octavia, who had been standing there with a tray in her hands. She had been about to kick the door as a way of knocking when Raven had suddenly opened.

“Wow, wow, what’s going on, Rae?” Octavia said, almost dropping the food when the other omega knocked on her shoulder on her way out. Octavia rushed to place the tray on the floor and turned to follow after the Mechanic, grabbing her by the arm to stop her from moving farther away.

“Not now, Octavia. I’m going to make Clarke swallow her own fucking tongue,” she said through gritted teeth, shaking Octavia’s hand off of her as she continued walking.

“Hey, wait! stop!” Octavia said as she grabbed Raven’s wrist, stopping her once more. “I doubt Clarke made her appendix rupture.”

“She didn’t make her appendix rupture, but she sure as hell made her think she had been raping me all along,” Raven snapped, her voice loud and cold as ice as she looked back at Octavia.

“What?”

“She thinks that the letters… that I was having sex with her because I was afraid she would have me killed or tortured if I didn’t!” Raven said, breathing hard. She was sure she was painting a really picturesque image, standing in the middle of a hallway in only her underwear, cheeks red and soaked in tears, chest heaving out of anger.

“Rae, I don’t want to anger you further and I am really trying not to be a total bitch, but you did say something along those lines. When we spoke about the letters, when I asked you why you kept doing it you said it was because you didn’t want to be tied to a tree again.”

Raven swallowed hard, knowing she couldn’t deny that, the conversation she had had with Abby where she had told her the exact same was vivid in her mind, the Doctor had called her on her bullshit that day, but she still had said those things.

“I have never said, or implied that I felt forced or manipulated into sleeping with her. I have always expressed how much I like it and how much I have enjoyed myself. I might have been trying to fool myself into thinking that I don’t care and that I don’t like the conversations we have through the letters, but I have never, _never_ , said anything about feeling forced to have sex with her,” Raven said, strong and resolute, her eyes locked on Octavia’s.

“I am not trying to justify what Clarke did, I heard what she said and it was bad, I am just trying to help you realize that you do care, that you have been caring for a while and that going against it is pretty much pointless,” Octavia said, keeping her gaze and her tone gentle.

“Now that we have established that, can I go make Clarke swallow her tongue already?” Raven said, visibly annoyed and uncomfortable. She had told the Commander that she didn’t care about her, she had said it right to her face, and now, if things went south the Commander wouldn’t only die thinking nobody cared about her, but also thinking she had forced Raven into her bed.

“You can’t do that, it won’t make the Commander heal any quicker, and it won’t make you feel any better. You will fix this misunderstanding, you just need to take a breath, maybe get some pants and wait until the Commander wakes up.”

“She had no fucking right to get in between me and her. I know there is some shit going on between them, but she shouldn’t have dragged me into it, she shouldn’t have used me to hurt the Commander. I have nothing to do with her and her eternal grudge on the Commander,” Raven said, fuming still, but feeling just slightly calmer.

“I know, what she did was wrong, and you already had a word with her about it, hurting her is not going to make you feel better, so please, just get some pants, I can help you sneak into the medbay if you want,” Octavia said, seeing that she had successfully distracted the Mechanic in the way her eyes had suddenly widened.

“Really?”

“Yeah, Rae, just get some pants.”

“I am sure the Commander likes me better like this,” Raven said with a smile, trying to sooth herself with a bit of humor. Octavia just looked back at her with a blank expression, pushing the omega back to her room.

………………….

A few minutes later Raven was sitting on an uncomfortable chair by the Commander’s bedside. There hadn’t been much sneaking in involved, it was more of Octavia and her ganging up on Abby until the Doctor relented and let the omega stay the night inside the Commander’s private room.  

Raven sat there, running her eyes up and down the Commander’s form. The gown, the blankets that were drawn up to her collarbones, the tubes and cables that snuck from under them and connected to different machines, the I.V line that was attached to the back of her wrist. Raven could only see two differences from the last time the Commander had been there. Her nose and mouth her being cupped by an oxygen mask instead of having the intubation tube shoved down her throat, the plastic getting foggy each time the alpha let out a breath. And her skin was on fire, still feverish, still burning with the infection her body and the meds were trying to control, so different from the last time, when she had lost so much blood her skin had been ice cold to the touch.

“Those letters were pretty awful to read, you know?” Raven whispered, placing her hand on the mattress, inches away from the Commander’s own hand. She knew she wanted to take it, she knew she wanted to offer the alpha the comfort no one had given her in years, and at the same time, she didn’t want to feel that way at all, everything was much easier when she could honestly say she didn’t care.

“I don’t think you had ever expressed your feelings as much as you did on those letters, I wish you hadn’t felt that way, really. All of it was for nothing, because I never felt forced to be with you, you asked me what I wanted each time, and I said yes. I don’t understand why it was so easy for you to believe her, I really don’t,” Raven said, letting the tips of her fingers brush the Commander’s own. She couldn’t bring herself to hold her hand, not yet.

Raven watched the Commander sleep, her complexion sallow, the contour of her eyes sunken and dark, her mouth and her nose hidden by the oxygen mask, and still, Raven could see the faint signs of weight loss, the hollowness of her cheeks and the usually sharp edge of her jaw, sharper still.

“Just get better, okay?” Raven said out loud, no one but the Commander’s sleeping form to witness her words. “Just… get better,” she whispered, voice quiet and sad as she let her thumb brush against the Commander’s own.

……………………

During the days that followed things didn’t seem to get better, Raven stood by the Commander’s bedside, leaning over her body as she ran a soft cloth over her face gently, wiping away the drops of sweat that rolled down her burning skin. In her conscious moments the Commander would reach up to pull the oxygen mask off of her face and tell Raven that she didn’t need to do any of that, that she didn’t need to help taking care of her. Raven would only reach for the mask and place it back over the alpha’s nose and mouth, telling her to rest and calm down.

Raven knew that the Commander would continue apologizing about supposedly abusing her if the omega gave her the chance to, so she tried to keep her from talking much and to keep her down and resting.

“None of what she said is true,” Raven would say each time the Commander was awake and aware of her surroundings. She would always receive a confused expression in return, she knew the Commander was in no state to have any kind of complicated conversations, but she was sure to reassure the alpha, trying to convince her of what she was saying just so the alpha would have some peace of mind. “We will talk when you are better, now just try to rest and heal.” She would say, looking into the Commander’s cloudy green eyes as she brushed the soft cloth down her neck.

When the oxygen mask and the sedatives were taken off and the Commander spent more time conscious, Raven sat next to her, her hands rubbing against her thighs as she worked out what she wanted to say.

“Raven, I-” the Commander started to say, but was soon cut off by the omega.

“No, stop. I need you to listen to me, okay? I need you to listen and to listen carefully, and I need you to believe me, is that clear?” Raven asked, her brown eyes locked on clear green, much clearer than they had been in the last couple of days.

“Yes, I understand.”

“Okay, look, I never, ever, felt forced to sleep with you, to have sex with you, or to send you letters. I did all of it because I wanted to and I enjoyed it. You did not manipulate me, you did not use your power to take advantage of me, and you sure as hell were not abusive,” Raven said, watching as the Commander’s frown deepened with each word that left her lips.

“Clarke said-”

“Clarke should have never spoken for me, she has no fucking idea what I feel, and she shouldn’t have done what she did,” Raven said, tightening her hands into fists. “I don’t understand why you believed everything she said, didn’t you see how much I enjoyed being with you? I basically threw myself at you, several times, and somehow you still believed her when she said I was afraid.”

“I didn’t know what to think, but believing her was easy because she wasn’t lying, not completely at least,” the Commander said and Raven frowned in confusion, not quite following.

“What do you mean?”

“I did have you tortured and I did murder your lover, you being afraid… it just… it would make sense,” the Commander said, her whole face contorted in something that strangely looked like sorrow, lips downturned and eyes heavy with exhaustion. “You thinking that I am your Nia, or that I will use you and betray you… You being scared of my power, and of what I would do if you didn’t give me what I wanted. I believe those to be valid feelings and concerns, they are logical, they make sense.”

“You didn’t wake up one day and decided that you would have me tortured, evidence was planted against me, you really thought I was trying to kill you and the law called for punishment. You killed the man that put me in that position, a man I know you cared for. And you didn’t just murder Finn, he killed 18 people and he had to answer for his crimes, his absence will always hurt, but we just couldn’t come down here, massacre a village and expect no retaliation. If we had been in space he would have been executed as well, people were executed for a lot less than that up there. There is no point of comparison between what you did and what Queen Nia did, you were enforcing the law, as barbaric and harsh as it is, she was just being cruel, she was purposely trying to hurt you, to break you… I know those weren’t your intentions towards me, your purpose and your intent was never to hurt me, and I know that.” Raven said, watching a shimmer slowly cover the Commander’s green eyes.

“You are sure you never felt-”

“No,” Raven said at once, keeping the Commander from going back to those bad thoughts. “I never felt forced or afraid, I promise.”

“That’s-that’s good,” the Commander said, stumbling slightly over her words as she fell back against the pillows, melting into them as all the stress that kept the muscles in her shoulders and neck tensed and corded tight seemed to release. “Thinking that I had done those things to you had... affected me… negatively.” the alpha said, her wording seeming slightly odd to Raven’s ears. She wasn’t sure of how to express herself; it was easier when she wrote the letters, with more time to think she could try and find the proper words to describe what was going on inside her mind.

“I know, I’m really sorry about that,” Raven said, her throat tightening slightly as she thought about the letters, she didn’t know if Lexa knew she had them.

“Don’t be, it is on me. I should have spoken to you instead of assuming Clarke’s words were a true reflection of your feelings,” the Commander said, letting out a deep sigh as she looked back at Raven.

“I think it says a lot about you,” Raven said quietly, knowing that maybe there wasn’t enough trust between them for her to start pushing the buttons she was about to push.

“What do you mean?”

“You have asked my consent for everything we have done, you asked me if I wanted to keep receiving letters from you, and you asked me if I was sure I wanted to have sex with you, each time I say yes, and even after all of that you immediately believed Clarke when she basically said you had raped me,” Raven said, internally wincing, a rape was a very serious and delicate thing, it was also something the Commander couldn’t deal with. Raven had seen it in the letters, she had felt disgusted with herself, she had wanted to be punished for her actions, she would have faced execution without saying a word to stop it from happening.

“She said it was just an act, that you only pretended to be okay with it because you were afraid of what I would do if you denied. I am an alpha, I am the Commander and I have unfairly hurt you before… None of what Clarke said seemed like an impossibility.”

“But you believe me when I say I didn’t feel like that at all, right?” Raven checked once more, feeling her stomach churn when the Commander didn’t answer right away. Raven could see it right there, in the way her green eyes moved all over her face, trying to find a trace of dishonesty, trying to find something that proved Clarke right. She had been torturing herself for over two weeks, thinking that she had forced Raven into doing things she hadn’t wanted to do. Raven knew it had hurt her, it had broken her in some way, and that wouldn’t go away so fast.

“Be my friend!” Raven blurted out suddenly, rubbing her hands against her thighs more forcefully in nervousness. The Commander's face contorted into a confused frown, her brows pinching in the middle as her eyes slightly widened.

“What?”

“Yes, you know, friends,” Raven said, feeling slightly unsure of herself when the Commander didn’t immediately agree. “We talk constantly, I know you a bit and you know me a bit, I have helped you through your nightmares, you have helped me through mine. I know your favorite pastries and you know my favorite juice; we are basically friends already.”

“We can’t be friends,” the Commander said at once, and Raven frowned, unable to hide a flinch at the words, that had surely hurt a bit.

“Why?”

“Friends care for each other, and even though I do care about you, I know you don’t care about me, which I understand,” The Commander said gently, the words rolling of her tongue easily, without a hint of contempt. Raven had told her she didn’t care and she did not feel hurt about it, she truly understood, again, it just made sense.

Raven felt two very contradicting emotions all at once. As soon as the Commander said she cared about her warmth seemed to flood her chest, and as soon as the Commander reminded her about how cruel she had been, she felt like she would throw up, saying something like that had been awful and unnecessary. 

“That isn’t so true,” Raven said slowly, watching the Commander’s green eyes widen, brightening in ways Raven had never seen before. “I do care about you… Just a little bit!” Raven said, lifting her hand so the Commander could see how she placed her thumb and forefinger close together, leaving only an inch between them.

“That’s- that’s…” The Commander struggled with her words, stumbling around them and not knowing what to say. She didn’t really need to say anything, Raven could see emotions playing all over her face, shock, surprise, confusion, disbelief. The Commander was having a hard time comprehending what Raven had just said, and even though the confusion in her face looked sweet and endearing, seeing how hard it was for her to accept what the omega had just said was making Raven feel more than a little sad.

“Thank you,” the Commander said at last, her hollow cheeks gaining some color for the first time in days. 

“Thank you?” Raven parroted back, the response was so awkward and odd, she didn’t know how to take it.

“Yes,” the Commander said, pausing for a second, trying to find the words to explain herself. “You care for me… a little bit, I’m very appreciative of that. Thank you,” She said again, and the heat in her cheeks seemed to crawl over to her ears, tinting them in a fading pink.

“Oh,” Raven said, she felt so soft inside, like all the worry and all the stress she had been feeling the last couple of days had suddenly vanished. It had been replaced by this new feeling. She was sitting on the most uncomfortable chair ever, and still, she felt like she was sitting on a cloud. 

In the back of her mind there were signs of sadness, too. The Commander was thankful she cared for her _a little bit,_ no one really cared, so the fact that Raven cared the smallest bit seemed amazing to her. It was tragic, and Raven didn’t know what to do with it, she wished she had just said it like it was, that she had just told the Commander she cared for her instead of watering it down by saying she cared just a little bit.

“It’s wonderful, thank you,” The Commander said, the corner of her lips lifting just slightly, her eyelids falling heavily with every blink and then fighting to open.

“You seem a little tired, why don’t you get some sleep?” Raven said, trying to get herself out of the emotionally charged conversation. The Commander looked really tired, and slightly sweaty, her breathing had gotten a little fast, too, and the tense tightening of her jaw contrasted harshly with the gentle look in her eyes. Something was wrong, and she wasn’t saying it. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, I am well,” the Commander responded, and Raven was instantly transported to the back of the rover, the Commander had said the same thing then, when she had been in unbearable pain.

“The meds are wearing off, aren’t they?” Raven asked, and the Commander's face was suddenly blank. “You are in pain.”

“I am well, Raven,” She repeated, and the omega rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, sure,” She said before she tried to locate Abby with her radio. A few minutes later the Doctor was moving inside the Commander’s room.

“Hey, I think she needs another dose of pain meds or something,” Raven said, and Abby nodded, moving closer to check the Commander herself. Sweat, elevated heart rate, tense muscles, all signs of pain.

“I told her she could push this button whenever she needed it,” Abby said, pointing to a blue button that was connected to a machine placed right beside the Commander’s bed.

“Oh, really?” Raven said, turning to look at the Commander with arched eyebrows.

“I don’t need it, I am well,” the Commander said as she met Raven’s eyes.

“Sure, you don’t,” the Mechanic said, deliberately pushing the button. “Oops! My bad! I’m truly sorry, my hand slipped,” The omega said when the Commander send her a glare. 

“There’s no reason for you to be uncomfortable, your body is trying to fight a very serious infection, you need rest, so if you need the meds, take them,” Abby said, as she moved closer and checked the Commander’s temperature, she was doing better, the infection wasn’t gone, but Abby didn’t believe she was in danger anymore.

“Has Titus reached you?” The Commander asked and Raven stiffened, turning to look at Abby.

“He did, he reached me through Marcus’ radio before you even made it here, as soon as he noticed you were gone, I suppose. He wasn’t pleased,” Abby said, with something that resembled a sneer covering her face.

“Why didn’t he come?” The Commander asked, Titus was always there, especially when her life was in danger, it made no sense for him not to have gone to Arkadia.

“I assured him that your condition could be easily cured with a small procedure, and that you were in no danger whatsoever, I also kindly told him that he had been thoughtless and negligent when he didn’t have us notified right away, the infection wouldn’t have gotten as bad as it did if you had gotten immediate assistance,” Abby said, her tone serious and annoyed, the Commander would probably be on her feet by now if they had gotten to take out her appendix before it had ruptured.

“I thought you weren’t sure if I would survive,” the Commander said with a small frown between her brows, noticing the inconsistency between what Abby had told Titus and what she had told her.

“I wasn’t, I lied to him,” Abby said, looking back at the Commander like what she had just said didn’t mean anything. “You were presenting early signs of sepsis, which was very concerning, but thankfully none of your organs had started failing yet and you responded well to the antibiotics. Things could have ended up very differently and the last thing I needed was to have Titus here, breathing down my neck and speaking as if he knows more about the medical field than I do. He would have also started ranting about the fact that you are the Commander and that you must remain strong, which means that you shouldn’t have pain meds, which is just senseless and stupid, so I preferred to keep him away,” The doctor finished and Raven smiled brightly.

“This information must not leave this room, lying to him could be seen as treason, you would be in danger.” The Commander said, looking concerned.

“Nobody else knows I spoke to him, only Marcus and us, I don’t plan on telling anyone else. Please continue to rest and reach out if you need anything,” Abby said, giving the Commander a small nod before leaving the room.

“Don’t worry, I am sure Abby can handle herself,” Raven said, trying to get rid of the Commander’s concerned expression.

“Titus will be here if I don’t return to the Capital soon.”

“You can’t go back, not yet, you are better and we are going to get you on your feet soon, but with something as serious as what happened to you it’s best for you to stay, get proper care and good medications. Abby says that even when you are good to leave you still will need to take antibiotics for a few weeks after, and your body won’t feel the same, you will probably be very exhausted. We can’t allow you to go back, we know you will push it and that wouldn’t be good,” Raven said, looking slightly worried even though the Commander was no longer in grave danger.

“None of that will make a difference to him,” the Commander said, “it’s dangerous for the throne to remain empty for long, my presence in the Capital is necessary.”

“And you will go back in a few weeks, I would expect him to be competent enough to hold the fort while you recover. You can’t go back, not like this, if he gets difficult, we will handle it. Right now, you just need to rest, I know you are tired, try to sleep, yes?”

“I’ll try, if you go outside and get some fresh air, you have been here too long,” the Commander said, glancing at the grey room with a tiny frown.

“Are you kicking me out?” Raven asked teasingly, both eyebrows arching with amusement when the Commander’s eyes widened.

“No, no, I would never-I think it’s unfair for you to be here for so long, you should rest properly as well, get some air and proper sunlight.”

“Look, I am choosing to be here, so it is not really unfair. Let’s make a deal, I will go get some air if you promise me you will try to sleep and stop worrying about Polis and Titus,” Raven said, offering the Commander her hand.

“Okay,” the Commander said, watching the omega’s hand for a moment and feeling unsure about taking it.

“You going to leave me here with my arm in the air?” Raven asked with a small frown, wondering if after everything she had said the Commander was still unsure of touching her and generally of how to approach her.

The Commander looked up, trying to find something in Raven’s face that would signal that the omega didn’t really want to be touched. She couldn’t find anything, and so she grasped the omega’s forearm in typical grounder fashion.

“Great, now close your eyes, I won’t leave until you do,” Raven said, squeezing the Commander’s arm gently in her own for one more second before letting it go.

Raven had a foot out the door when the Commander called her name.

“Raven?” the Commander said, her tone quiet, like she wasn’t sure if she wanted Raven to hear her or not. Her eyes were still closed, like Raven had asked her to.

“Yeah?” Raven asked, turning around to watch the alpha. She was lying on the bed, her eyes closed and her cheeks tinted pink.

“You are my friend now, yes?” the Commander asked, feeling uncharacteristically unsure of herself, she hadn’t had friends in a long time, since before her Conclave, and back then the other Nightbloods had been her brothers and sisters more than her friends.

“Yes, I am your friend,” Raven said, her voice gentle but sure.

The Commander heard her steps getting closer and closer, until the radiating heat of the omega’s body was so close, she could feel it right there, by her bedside. She still didn’t open her eyes; Raven had asked her to close them.

“That’s- I’m- Thank you,” the Commander said, internally scolding herself because of how ridiculous she was being. She felt like a goufa, she could handle wars, she could do politics, she could command thousands, but could she be a good friend? She didn’t think so. It had been quite some time since she had last felt so unsure and so out of control, she didn’t know what to do. “Being a friend is not clear to me, I do not know what to do.”

Raven looked down at her, at the Commander of the 13 Clans, a pretty flush spreading up her neck and towards her ears, stumbling over her words and admitting she didn’t have all the answers, all because she had a new friend, someone that cared for her, and that was something so foreign that she didn’t know what to do with it. 

The familiar mix of fondness and sadness that Raven so often felt by being close to the Commander quickly flooded her chest, making her eyes sting and her throat clench. Raven felt the overwhelming need to lean down and hold her, but she couldn’t, there was something right there in the back of her head, something that resembled doubt, that looked like fear, it stopped her and kept her rooted to her spot, not moving an inch.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Raven said slowly, willing her voice not to crack, the last thing she needed was for the Commander to think that she was upset. “And don’t worry, we will figure out as we go, you and I.”

“Together?” the Commander asked, her eyes still closed, her fingers rubbing at the sheets as she tried to control her nervousness.

“Yes, together,” Raven whispered, her control slipping just enough for her to lean down and press a soft kiss to the Commander’s flushed cheek. “Now, sleep,” Raven said, turning her back on the Commander and walking towards the door.

And again, just before she left, she heard the Commander calling her name.

“Raven?” the Commander said, and her tone on its own made the omega frown in concern. Her voice was weak, hesitant, threatening to break at any given moment. There was also something else, a scent steadily flooding the air. Realizing it was the Commander’s scent made the omega freeze in shock, the Commander had her emotions under such a tight grip that Raven could hardly ever detect anything from her scent alone, but in that moment, she could name what the Commander was feeling, it was clear as a day, and it was something Raven never wanted the other alpha to feel, not with her. Fear.

“What is it?” Raven asked, moving to the Commander’s bedside as fast as she could once she got over the shock. The alpha still had her eyes closed, like Raven had asked her to.

The Commander’s response took a moment to come, and Raven had to watch her get progressively more stressed. Beads of sweat started rolling down her temples, a crease developed between her brows, her throat bobbed with a few hard swallows and her jaw worked from side to side. She was afraid of even asking what she needed to ask, no, Raven thought, she was afraid of the response she would get.

“It’s fine,” she tried to reassure, “You can tell me.”

Another beat of silence, and then…

“Do you think I am your Queen Nia?” The Commander asked, her eyes clenched shut, she knew she would be able to see Raven’s answer in her expression, but if she kept her eyes closed maybe she wouldn’t notice if the omega lied to her. She was a coward for deciding not to look, she was a coward for being so afraid, but she was scared and after spending the last two weeks thinking the worst possible things about herself, she could not take anything else.

“No!” Raven said, fast, hard, loud. Anger rushing up her head so fast it made the back of her eyes hurt. She tried to take a breath, to calm herself, and then she uncurled her hands, trying to soften her motions as she cupped the Commander’s cheeks. “I need you to open your eyes, I need you to look at me.”

Nothing happened for a few long seconds, and Raven could only watch as the Commander’s heart rate accelerated on the screen.

“Lexa, please,” Raven said, flooding the room with her own pheromones to try and calm the alpha.

The sound of her name startled the alpha, making her eyes open without her consent. Green eyes met brown, and Lexa could not look away.

“I’m going to tell you something and I need you to look at me so you can see that I’m honest, okay?” Raven said, running her thumbs gently over the Commander’s prominent cheekbones.

The alpha nodded, looking up at Raven, barely breathing.

“I fucking love having sex with you,” Raven said bluntly, feeling the Commander’s cheeks get warmer under her hands, “I wait anxiously for your letters, I enjoy having them to look forward to, and I enjoy hearing about you and your life at the Capital, I think you are interesting and I like getting to know you. And listen to me, I need you to look at me and don’t forget what I am about to say,” Raven said, looking the Commander dead in the eye, putting a bit of pressure on her cheeks to ground her, giving her no option but to focus on what she was about to say. “I **do not,** hear me well, **I do not** see you as my Queen Nia, I never have and I never will. Making you think that was cruel, it was the lowest possible blow, and I do not believe any of it. I would have never asked you to be my friend if I thought you to be like that woman. You are not my Queen Nia, you are Lexa, my friend, clear?”

“Yes, clear,” the Commander said, swallowing hard as she allowed herself to melt against her pillows. She felt like a massive weight had just been lifted from her chest.

“Don’t even try to get me to leave now, I am not a plant, I can’t survive without proper sunlight for a little while.”

“But, Raven-”

“Nope,” Raven said, leaning back on her chair and lifting her legs to the edge of the Commander’s bed. “I’ll consider taking a walk when you are asleep, so get on it.”

“Okay,” the Commander said, closing her eyes.

 A few minutes of silence passed, enough for Raven to assume the Commander was asleep, but then…

“Raven?”

“You are not sleeping.”

“I know, I will rest. I need to tell you something first.”

“Okay, what is it?” Raven asked, curiosity bubbling at the bottom of her gut.

“I enjoy getting to know you, too.”

Raven smiled wide and big, it was a shame the Commander didn’t see it, her eyes were still closed.

“That’s no surprise, I am awesome like that,” Raven said, a smug smirk spreading across her mouth, an incessant fluttering getting stronger in her stomach.

“You are,” the Commander responded, not even giving it much of a thought.

Heat jumped up to Raven’s cheeks, she held them quickly, trying to soothe the heat with her hands. She was only glad the Commander wouldn’t see how flustered she had gotten.

“Sleep, Heda,” She said as she fanned her cheeks.

“Okay,” the Commander said, willing her mind to finally rest.

………………..

“Raven wants to kill you, you know?” Octavia said as she leaned against the threshold of Clarke’s room. The blonde was sitting at her desk, not doing much of anything, staring straight ahead without moving. 

“How is she doing?” Clarke whispered, not turning to look at the young warrior. Octavia moved inside, letting the door close behind her.

“Things looked ugly for a moment there, she is not good, but she is no longer in danger,” Octavia said, her eyes fixed on the omega’s back. Clarke didn’t respond, she just nodded to herself. “If you care enough to ask, then why do what you did?” 

The question made the blonde stiffen, her fists clenching tight as she turned around to look at Octavia.

“I have more than one reason.”

“The Mountain was months ago, Clarke, and you know as well as everyone else that part of the reason why she accepted us in the Coalition was to stop the Ice Nation from coming for you. Even after that she has been getting heat in Polis for not taking the power of Wanheda for herself, that added fuel to the fire, helped the Ice Queen form that coup, and she still just took it and fought that duel. She betrayed us, but now she is backing us and that’s a support we can’t lose, it will be years before we can make it through winter on our own and you know that well, and still, you insist on making things harder,” Octavia said, letting out a sigh when she saw that Clarke would not respond.

“Do you know what grounders do to rapists?” Octavia said then, her voice harsher, frustrated with the blonde’s lack of response. “If any of the grounders had heard what you said, how she supposedly forced Raven to sleep with her, how Raven was doing it out of fear, they would have executed her just like that, and we would have been left without her support, so please, tell me why you decided that it was a good idea to be so cruel, and don’t tell me it was the Mountain because that will only make you sound stupid. I don’t like her, I don’t trust her, and I think Raven’s thing with her is hardly a good idea, that does not give me the right to get in the middle of it.”

There was a bout of silence, heavy and extended, Octavia pushed through it, she would stay there until she got a proper response.

“We had something before the Mountain,” Clarke said slowly, her voice laced with anger, “It was there from the moment we met, the energy, the connection. In many ways she helped me handle things, being a leader, she understood what it meant and what it did to me, and she tried to guide me through it. I felt like I knew her, like she had allowed me to see parts of her no one else could see, and then, when she kissed me, I thought I had a future to look forward to after the battle. I thought I would have her, and then she just left me there.”

Octavia swallowed hard, she would have expected anything, absolutely anything except this.

“So yes, I’m telling you it is all about the Mountain, and it isn’t stupid, it is personal. She left our people, and she left **me**.” 

“What you did… it wasn’t vengeance, or revenge, it was jealousy,” Octavia said, feeling understanding settle in her mind.

“It was vengeance, it was revenge and it was jealousy, I wanted her to feel the pain I felt when she walked away. She abandons me and then she comes here, to our home, and fucks Raven…” Clarke trailed off, her voice cracking. She swallowed hard, trying to push the waves of emotion as far as she could. “What I had to do at Mountain shattered me, Octavia, it broke me, and I won’t ever be the same again, and while I am here, trying to deal with that, trying to look at myself in the mirror and not feel completely disgusted, she is just going around, having the time of her life fucking Raven.”

“Clarke,” Octavia said gently, sitting down besides the blonde, “I’m going to be very honest with you right now, okay? And if you need to hold that against me, it’s fine, I get it. There was bounty on your head, the Ice Queen ordered it, assassins were sent for you, and that’s what pushed the Commander to offer us a place in the Coalition. We had spent almost three months on our own, she had made no move to do anything for us, we were not her people, but as soon as she heard about the bounty she was suddenly here, do you think that was coincidence? I have heard Abby and Marcus arguing, I have heard him saying how your continued defiance of the Commander’s orders is a problem, the Ambassadors have requested your presence at the Capital more than once and you have refused, they see that as a disrespect to the Coalition itself, and the Commander has been the one taking the heat for it. Now it makes more sense, now I know she probably is very aware that you don’t want to see her and why, but she is not pushing, she is probably trying to respect your space and what you want…” Octavia said, taking a gulp of air before continuing.

“...there’s also the painting equipment you have been getting, we both know it must come from her. I guess my point is that yes, she is a traitor, yes, she betrayed us, but she is trying her best to keep us safe now, and she is doing her best to respect your wishes. You have showed no sign of caring for any of that, so she probably assumed she has no chance with you, she must be pretty certain of it after what you told her a few weeks ago, she probably thinks you hate her, or at least that’s how it looked from where I was standing, so she probably thinks there’s no problem with sharing her bed with Raven.”

“If she truly cared about me, she wouldn’t be doing that, much less with Raven,” Clarke said, her eyes getting flooded by an overwhelming number of tears.

“You obviously care about her and you are doing the same with Niylah, what’s the difference?” Octavia said, standing up when Clarke looked away.

“Look, Raven keeps telling herself she is only in it for the sex, but I saw how she was when she thought the Commander would die, she is lying to everyone and she is lying to herself. She cares, she cares deeply and if they keep getting close it wouldn’t surprise me if their little affair turned into something else. I guess what I am saying is that you need to sort out your feelings before it is too late, the Commander is now the longest reigning Commander, she is the Heda that has lived the longest, she is living on borrowed time, she doesn’t have any time to lose, and even if she would chose to wait for you, she probably doesn’t know that you are an option. She might feel something for you still, I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have a change of heart,” Octavia said, placing a supporting hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “Try to figure it out, okay?”

“There’s nothing to figure out, if after everything she has done Raven still wants her then she can keep her,” Clarke said, her words like poison in Octavia’s ears, the young warrior knew those words were born out of hatred and resentment, she nodded and walked out of the room, hoping that Clarke wouldn’t regret her decisions in the near future.

……………………..

“Hey, hey, shhhhh, it’s okay,” Raven whispered, her hands on the Commander’s shoulders, trying to keep her from hurting herself. The alpha had woken herself up with a very violent movement, probably after a nightmare, and Raven was doing what she could to calm her down. “It’s fine, it’s fine, you are safe here,” Raven said gently, offering the alpha a small smile as she continued to rub her shoulders gently, stopping when she noticed the Commander wouldn’t lurch out of bed. The alpha moved a hand down and towards her lower right side, where Raven knew her surgical wound was. “Does it hurt?”

“No, I’m well,” the Commander said, and Raven did her best to hold back an eye roll.

“Okay, now tell me the truth,” the omega said. The Commander turned to look at her and Raven only stared back, arching her eyebrows expectantly.

“I think I pulled it,” the Commander said and Raven nodded, getting the blankets out of the way and opening the Commander’s gown, she was no doctor, but she assumed everything was fine when she saw that the dressings were not spotted with blood.

“It looks okay, let me know if it hurts a lot and I’ll get Abby, okay?” Raven said, and the Commander nodded. The Omega decided to keep a close eye on her, she wasn’t sure the alpha would actually admit she was in pain. “Do you want to tell me about your dream?” Raven asked, reaching for a soft cloth and running it over the Commander’s forehead, wiping away the drops of sweat that had been left by the Commander’s nightmare. She moved a little lower still, catching the drops that rolled down the alpha’s neck, she was as gentle as she could be, almost caressing the Commander with the cloth as she traced it over the edge of her jaw.

“You don’t need to do that,” the Commander said, her eyes filling with a mix of wonder and confusion as she looked up at the omega.

“I know, but I want to,” Raven said, offering the alpha a smile, “I think I have something that will help you sleep while you are here, I found it a while ago in the Mountain, I hadn’t gotten around to fixing it, but I decided to get on it when I realized you would be stuck here for quite a bit.”

“You didn’t need to do that either, I know you already have a lot of work,” the Commander said, her expression shy and hesitant, “You already did more than you should have by saving my life.”

“I wanted to do both of those things, so stop looking at me like that and take a look at this. I was going to show it to you tomorrow, but now it seems pretty perfect,” Raven said, picking up the object she had placed beside the bed earlier when she had arrived at the Commander’s room to find her still asleep.

The Commander didn’t know what she was seeing, she couldn’t even name the shape of it, but it didn’t seem too heavy, as Raven could hold it easily with both hands. The Commander was about to ask what it was when Raven pushed a button on its base, and just like that light filled the room, flooding it with stars, the gray ceiling and the pale walls were suddenly covered with constellations. And Raven, her face, her smile, her eyes, they all lit up, shining bright as the artificial light reflected on her gaze. The Commander felt her stomach flip and her jaw go slack.

Raven internally jumped in victory, she saw the Commander’s eyes smile first, the shadows around them chased away by the light that had filled the room. Then, she saw the same shy joy pull at the corners of her mouth, leaving behind the lopsided grin Raven had caught glimpses of a few times before.

“It’s beautiful,” the Commander whispered, delightful and shocked, trying to move her eyes away from Raven’s face and towards the stars in her ceiling.

“It is, isn’t it? I figured we could leave it on for you to sleep with until we can go walk outside,” Raven said, a sudden, unpleasant memory filtered in her mind. The Commander had wanted to die under the stars, that was the only thing she had asked for, to die under stars, they were the last thing she had wanted to see. Raven did her best to push the memory to the back of her head and looked back at the alpha. “What do you think?”

“I’d appreciate that, thank you, Raven,” the Commander said, the gratitude and the wonder written all over her face making the omega’s chest fill with warmth.

“It’s fine,” the omega said, placing the star lamp on the small table beside the Commander’s bed, “Would you like me to tell you a bit about the stars until you fall asleep?”

“You must be tired; I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“I’m offering, and I am really awake, it’s fine,” Raven said, sitting on her uncomfortable chair and putting her legs up on the edge of the Commander’s bed. She offered the alpha one last smile, leaning back on her chair and looking up at the starred ceiling.

………………………….

The next morning Raven woke up with an aching neck, she lifted her head to glance at the Commander, frowning to herself when she noticed that the alpha was only in her gown, her blankets gone and leaving her uncovered against the chill of the medbay.

Raven incorporated herself, wondering where the blankets had gone when the scratchy fabric of the Skaikru blankets suddenly fell over her lap. She held them in her hands, glancing up at the Commander and back down at the blankets, realizing she had been covered by them. She knew there was no way Abby or any other doctor or nurse would take the blankets from the actual patient to give them to her, so that only left one other option… Raven felt her heart squeeze in her chest, her mouth forming a smile before she could do anything about it.

The Mechanic got up and covered the alpha once more, looking at her like she had never seen her before, she couldn’t understand how someone could be like that, so caring and so selfless, much less after everything that she had been through.

“You were shaking,” the Commander whispered, her words slightly slurred with sleep, her eyes still closed. Raven pulled the blankets up to her neck, making sure she was warm.

“I’m not the one sick and in pain, go back to sleep,” Raven whispered, the warmth in her chest seemed to swim, to flood, to drip down to her stomach and roll there in a very fluttery sensation.

“You were cold,” the Commander mumbled, her green eyes opening just fraction, staring up and into dark brown. 

“Shhh, just go back to sleep,” Raven whispered, smoothing the blankets over the Commander’s shoulders and then simply leaving her hands there, their weight and warmth soothing on the Commander’s chest.

The Commander could only hum in response, her eyelids falling heavily, tinting her sight black, leaving her mind to think freely, to get lost in the image of the gold flecks that danced in Raven’s brown eyes.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!  
> Let me know what you think in the Comments!!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! So sorry about the wait, I've been really busy and tired lately, so I've been slacking off with writing. For the people reading BMAHE, I'm so soooorrryyyy, I know it's been like two months since the last update, and now I'm updating this first, I'm really sorry, you know a lot of this is already written so that makes the updates quicker, BMAHE needs more work, I guess.
> 
> Also, thank you for reading!!! The response for this story has been pretty amazing and all your comments really make me happy, I read them and re read them to make myself smile sometimes, so please keep letting me know what you think, I read them all even if I have been too busy to answer lately. I will try to get to answering them soon!!
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter and I hope to see you in the comments :)
> 
> NOTE: All the quotes used in this chapter do not belong to me, they are from the book The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, all the credit to him!!!

 

“What are you doing?” Raven said with a smile and an arched eyebrow as she moved inside the Commander’s medbay room. The alpha was writing in a thick leather-bound book, Lana was sitting by her bedside, just keeping her company. “I hope you are not working right now, because if you are, I will kill you.”

                                                                  

The Commander turned to look at her with an upturn in the corner of her lips, closing the book in her hands and giving it to Lana. The Handmaiden held it with the utmost care, bringing it protectively close to her chest.

 

“Worry not, Raven, it is merely a journal, nothing that would require any killing on your part,” the Commander said smoothly, Raven could see amusement dancing all over her face and knowing she had provoked it made her unbelievably proud.

 

“A journal? Didn’t know you had one, no wonder your handwriting is so pretty, I only write to you,” Raven said, as she sat down by the Commander’s bedside.

 

The Commander frowned, it was the tiniest and the cutest thing Raven had ever seen, she wanted a picture of that face so she could stare at it every day and feel her insides turn into-

 

Wait.

 

No.

 

Stop.

 

What the hell was she thinking? Raven thought to herself as she shook her head, trying to rid her head from those thoughts.

 

“Your handwriting is not ugly, Raven,” the Commander said, the cute frown still in her face, she looked so-

 

STOP!

 

Raven shouted internally, reaching with her hand to smooth the frown on the alpha’s face.

 

“It totally is, if you compare my handwriting to that of a 5-year-old you will see no difference,” Raven said, and the Commander’s brows started pulling in the middle, Raven reached with her hand once more, placing her palm gently on the alpha’s forehead, while her thumb drew tiny circles over Commander’s little frown, forcing it to disappear. “Stop that, you will get wrinkles.”

 

“Everyone gets wrinkles, and I continue to disagree with your perception of your handwriting, it is big and clear, perfectly legible and straight, mine is small and tends to tilt to the right, that can make reading hard sometimes, even for myself.”

 

“Are you saying you can’t read your handwriting sometimes?” Raven said, an amused smile spreading across her lips. Her hand was still placed gently on the Commander’s forehead, her thumb unconsciously moving to run gently over one soft eyebrow.

 

“Yes, after I have written in a rush, I can barely understand anything. In the letters I send you I do my best so you will understand, but it doesn’t usually look like that. I like your handwriting, Raven,” the Commander said, strong and resolute, leaving no space for the omega to go against her. A warm flush made its way up the omega’s cheeks, and she was sure she would have blushed if her skin tone allowed for such a thing.

 

“Okay, fine,” Raven said, “let’s say it's not that bad, then. How are you feeling?”

 

“I’m well,” the Commander said immediately, and Raven looked back at her, knowing that the Commander couldn’t exactly be trusted with that particular answer. The omega turned towards Lana, knowing that the Handmaiden could tell if the Commander was being honest or not.

 

The young girl shook her head from side to side, biting the inside of her cheek as she looked back at Raven.

 

“Oh, really? You are feeling perfectly fine right now?” Raven asked, almost smiling to herself when she saw the alpha open her mouth and hesitate to respond.

 

“I wouldn’t say I feel perfectly fine, no,” the Commander said, looking back at Raven, her eyes filling with confusion as she looked down at herself, the tiny frown from before coming back to her face.

 

“Then why did you tell me you are well?” Raven asked, making the Commander’s eyes jump back to her face. “That’s called lying, friends don’t lie.”

 

“Friends?!” Lana said, her eyes wide and a smile spreading across her lips as she moved her eyes from the Commander’s face to Raven’s.

 

“Yeah, Lana, the Commander and I are friends, right?” Raven said, directing her gaze back to the alpha.

 

“Yes, we are. And I was not lying, I wouldn’t lie to you, friends or not,” the Commander said. moving her gaze from Lana to Raven.

 

“You were, you told me you were well, and then you went against that statement.”

 

“No, Raven,” The Commander insisted. “I survived certain death, I have a safe place to sleep, I’m being well-fed and there are people constantly coming to check on my wellbeing. There is also you, a friend… I might not be perfectly fine, but I do believe myself to be well.”

 

At that moment Raven felt the familiar mix of fondness and sadness that she was beginning to relate to the Commander fill her chest. She looked down at the alpha and offered her a weak smile, smoothing her brow once more before speaking.

 

“Okay, then I guess what I was meaning to ask is how are you feeling physically,” Raven said, her eyes intently staring down at the alpha. The Commander clenched her jaw for a moment before looking up at Raven without saying anything.

 

“Heda is not usually asked such questions,” Lana mentioned, trying to fill the space of Lexa’s silence.

 

“Well, she must get used to it, because these are the kind of questions friends ask, and remember, no lying,” Raven said, giving the alpha a pointed look.

 

“I feel weak and exhausted, Raven, even if I have done nothing the last couple of days.”

 

“Hey,” Raven said gently, moving even closer to the Commander’s bed, “you were really sick, like really really sick, it’s normal that you aren’t feeling so great, but please, don’t worry about that right now, we will help you get back on your feet.”

 

“You don’t have to do that.”

 

"Yes, I have to," Raven said with a small smile as she looked down at the Commander. "That's what friends do; they help each other."

 

"I wouldn't want to burden you with this, even if we are... friends," The Commander said, hesitating before letting out the last word. "We can be friends without you doing this."

 

"No, that’s not how it works," Raven said, her smile falling a little at the corners, the fact that the Commander saw herself and her state as a bother wasn’t sitting very well with the omega.

 

"You have been helping me since I got here. I couldn't ask you to do more."

 

"You are not asking, I am offering, and when you got here you spent the next few days mostly unconscious so I didn't do much," Raven said with a shrug, not wanting the Commander to make a big deal out of it.

 

"Having your company... it is meaningful to me, thank you," the Commander whispered, her eyes a light shade of green that almost looked grey at its center. Raven bit the inside of her cheek, feeling heat spread all over her chest.

 

"Good, because I’m going to be here for as long as you are."

 

"Raven, you don’t-" the Commander started, but was quickly cut off by the Mechanic’s lips. They pressed against her own gently, successfully rendering her silent.

 

Raven knew the Commander would go on and on about how she didn’t need to help her and that she knew she had better stuff to do. Raven just needed to shut her up and kissing was the perfect way to do it, they both won like that. And fucking hell, even sick and weak and exhausted, the Commander was such a fucking good kisser, Raven felt her tongue run gently against her own and a shiver run down her spine, she shuddered, nuzzling her nose against the Commander’s as she deepened the kiss, tracing her cheek with the pad of her thumb and only pulling back when her lungs ached for air.

 

"Is that something friends do?" The Commander said breathlessly, placing a soft kiss to the corner of Raven’s lips. The omega turned her head to the side slightly, landing a chaste kiss to the Commander’s lips.

 

"Yes, it’s called friends with benefits," Raven said, a smirk stretching the corner of her mouth.

 

The Commander frowned slightly; Raven recognized the cute little gesture as the Commander’s expression of confusion.

 

"That doesn’t make sense," the alpha said. Raven stepped back just enough for her to be able to take in the Commander’s face.

 

"Really? Why not?"

 

"Having you care for me is the greatest benefit, it makes kissing not feel like a benefit at all," the Commander said, her eyes widening suddenly when she realized what she said could be taken as an insult. "Please, make no mistake, I do enjoy kissing you, very much."

 

Raven looked down at her, a wide smile spreading across her lips. The Commander’s heart had picked up its pace in her nervousness, and her white cheeks had regained the slightest bit of color. Seeing her like that just made Raven want to kiss her again.

 

"I didn’t mean to offend you," the Commander rushed to say once Raven didn’t respond. "Kissing you is a great benefit too, I promise."

 

"Hey, relax," Raven said, pressing the pads of her fingers against the little frown on the Commander’s forehead. "I understand what you mean and I am not offended. That’s just the name people use for friends who do things that are a little more than friendly. It doesn’t have to make sense, I suppose."

 

"Okay," the Commander said and Raven gave her a small smile.

 

"You are sweet," Raven said, waiting for the Commander to deny it.

 

"I don’t want to hurt you," the alpha said and Raven felt her heart clench in her chest.

 

"You can’t say things like that."

 

The Commander looked up at her, light green eyes confused, bottom lip pushed out in a barely visible pout.

 

"Why? Did I offend you?"

 

"No, it’s very sweet, makes me want to kiss you," Raven said, leaning down once more, the tip of her nose brushing the slope of the Commander’s. The alpha’s breath hitched, and her mouth took the shape of an O in surprise.

 

"You can if you want to."

 

"No, I can’t," Raven whispered, pulling back with a low groan. "Kissing you will make me want to do other things, and right now you are not up for it."

 

"Oh, I’m sorry, I will heal soon and make it up to you."

 

"Don’t apologize, just get better soon, okay?" Raven said gently, grabbing the blankets and pulling them up to the Commander’s shoulders. "Rest, those meds they are giving you are pretty tough for your body."

 

The Commander nodded and closed her eyes, she was exhausted and closing her eyes gave her the biggest relief.

 

Raven looked around the room, noticing that Lana was gone. She laughed lightly to herself as she walked out, knowing the handmaiden had probably ran out the moment things had started to get a little more intense between the Commander and her.

 

.............

 

"Commander, good afternoon," Abby said, glancing up from the tablet in her hand and towards her patient.

 

The Commander let out a sigh and cleared her throat, her mouth felt dry and her lips chapped. The doctor seemed to notice the struggle and offered her a glass of water, helping her drink until the alpha was satisfied.

 

"How are you feeling?"

 

"Tired, I want to get up from this bed, but I don’t think my body would cooperate."

 

"I’m afraid that is not something that will go away soon, it will get better, but you might be feeling bouts of fatigue and exhaustion even a few months after going through the early stages of sepsis, your condition was very serious, there is really no better outcome than the one you got."

 

“I appreciate your efforts, Doctor Griffin, your expertise and knowledge are the sole reason why I am still here.”

 

“Your state would be much better and much easier to treat if you had been brought here right away. I know well how your people feel about your role as Commander, how you must not be weak, always remain strong, but I believe that there is strength in asking for help.”

 

“And I agree, Doctor, however, my life is not solely my own, it belongs to the people, and more importantly, to Titus and the Flame. He is the one to decide over what will become of me in moments of sickness or grave injury, and I doubt that he will reach out for help if something like this were to happen again. A request for help is an act of weakness in his eyes, and he is not fond of your people, for him there is very little difference between you and the Mountain Men,” the Commander said and Abby nodded in understanding, not feeling the slightest bit surprised. After all, they were speaking of a man that had denied a dying woman of pain medication, of the only thing that would have at least made her passing bearable.

 

“I honestly care very little about what Titus thinks, especially when his ideas are this idiotic,” Abby said without preamble, smiling to herself when she saw the shadow of a smile on the Commander’s lips. “Now, Raven cares a great deal about you, I don’t know exactly how that happened but it is obvious enough, that is something that I do care about, by extension that makes my concern towards your wellbeing personal more than political. Raven has lost many people, the people she has loved have also been the people that end up mistreating her, her mother, Finn, just to name a few… But lately she has been happier, her smiles come easier, and every couple of days I see her outside, almost dancing on her toes waiting for your letters…” Abby said, watching as the Commander’s cheeks filled with color, and her eyes seemed to electrify with the brightness of the green.

 

“They make her happy?” the Commander said, her eyes wide with surprise as she looked up at Abby.

 

“Yes, it seems that way,” Abby said with a small smile of her own, “that’s very important to me. I also saw her become sad and concerned when the letters stopped coming, I saw her walk out every day and wait by the gates for them to come, and I saw her get a little sadder every day they didn’t.”

 

“I thought that would make her happy, to not hear from me anymore,” the Commander whispered, the light slowly draining from her eyes as she looked away from Abby.

 

“And I understand why, I know what happened and I am not proud of what Clarke did,” Abby said strongly, her gaze hardening as she looked down at the alpha.

 

“I would never hurt her that way, not her, not anyone,” the Commander said, her hands shaking as she hid them under the blankets.

 

“I know, and I don’t think Raven feels unsafe with you, she cares about you and she is happy with having you around, which is why I need you to go over Titus' head if it’s necessary. We all know how dangerous your position is, but the moment your life became important to Raven it became important to me. I saw how she got when she thought you were going to die and I need to make sure you do what you have to do so that doesn’t happen, being negligent with your health is the same as hurting her and I need you to think about that next time you feel as sick as you did this time and decided to not ask for help.”

 

“I thought that’s what she wanted,” the Commander whispered, moving her eyes away from Abby’s.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I thought that if I died, she wouldn’t be afraid anymore. After what Clarke told me I spent days thinking about surrendering myself to the laws of my people, our laws would have kept Raven safe from me, I would have faced execution, but because it would have been difficult for me to be sentenced without Raven’s word against me. I thought about summoning Clarke, what she told me would have been enough but she has never been willing to come to the capital so my hands were tied. And then I got sick…” the Commander said, trailing off and moving her gaze so she would meet Abby’s eyes once more. “I knew it wouldn’t be as humiliating as what my people do, but it would take longer, I would be in pain for days before my body finally gave out, and I would be offered no pain relievers… It seemed fitting, I would pay for what I had done, and with my passing Raven wouldn’t have to be afraid anymore.”

 

“You wanted to die,” Abby said, her face white as a sheet of paper.

 

“I couldn’t live knowing that I had abused her, I couldn’t. Living with that knowledge would have been a greater punishment than death, but I thought my passing would make Raven feel better.”

 

“But you know now that Raven never felt that way?” Abby asked, and the Commander gave her the smallest of nods.

 

“Yes, she has also offered me her friendship,” the Commander said and Abby arched her eyebrows in surprise.

 

“That’s an even bigger reason for you to take better care of yourself.”

 

“I will do my best, though, if my state is too precarious, I may not be able to ask for help,” the Commander said and Abby nodded to herself. It made sense, if the Commander was unconscious or incapable of reaching out for whatever reason Abby would probably never find out about her state.

 

“Then ask Lana to go over Titus’ head for you. She is loyal to you and she cares about your wellbeing, I believe she would agree to this.”

 

“Lana… she is good to me; I will speak to her.”

 

“Good, now try to get some rest, your surgical wound is looking great and as far as I can tell the antibiotics are doing their job flawlessly, maybe this afternoon we will try to get you up and take a lap around the medbay, all depending on how you are feeling.”

“I’m pleased to hear that, I must return to Polis as soon as possible,” the Commander said and Abby looked back at her with an unimpressed expression.

 

“There is a very wide gap between taking a lap around the medbay and going to Polis, that is not happening yet.”

 

“I have seen the wound, it is small compared to others I have had, it is nothing I can’t handle,” the Commander said and the Doctor looked back at her with a reprimand at the tip of her tongue.

 

“I am aware of the kind of wounds you’ve had in the past, I pulled a sword out of you myself and removed one of your organs, now two. The issue here is not the wound, it’s the infection, the surgical wound I made to take out your appendix is the least of my concerns. The real problem is the infection, the lack of early treatment allowed a very serious and very deadly infection to develop, even when they brought you in I wasn’t sure you were going to make it, and it is not something the body recovers from just like that, it needs time and rest and good care.”

 

“We both know that me staying here for a prolonged period of time is not good for anyone.”

 

“And we both know that Titus would do something stupid if he saw you like this.”

 

“Yes, there seem to be no available options,” the Commander said with a slight frown.

 

“There is one option,” Abby said, looking down at the alpha, “if you respect the healing process and don’t overwork yourself or rush into things you will heal better, quicker, and you will be able to leave.”

 

“I will follow your directions to the best of my abilities.”

 

“Good,” the doctor said, looking away from the Commander for a moment as she continued updating her chart.

 

“May I ask you a question?” the Commander said, her tone made Abby stop what she was doing for a second, the alpha in front of her sounded unsure, hesitant, and those were not things she usually related to the Commander.

 

“Sure,” Abby said, sitting down so she was no longer towering above the alpha. “What is it?”

 

“It’s not something related to our people, or your role as a healer and leader, so you can deny answering the question and there will be no repercussions.” The Commander said. Abby frowned to herself, not knowing what to expect, but feeling quite uncomfortable all of a sudden.

 

“Okay, go ahead.”

 

“Are there any customs related to a friendship that I should know about?”

 

“What?” Abby had expected anything, except that.

 

“Raven asked me to be her friend, but I am the Commander, Commander’s do not make friends. I don’t know how to be that for her and I don’t want to do anything that would result upsetting or hurtful for her. I’d like to know how to be a good friend,” the Commander said, her tone sure and her face serious, she meant every single word she said and Abby couldn’t help the smile that slowly spread across her face.

 

“Well, friendship works a little differently for everyone, so I think it would be best to approach this subject with Raven. However, I think I can tell you about some of the basics.”

 

“Okay, thank you, I appreciate it.”

 

“I think intimacy is the most important thing about friendship, not in a sexual way, I mean intimacy as being able to share things with your friend, things you wouldn’t share with a stranger. You should be able to share your feelings and your thoughts with your friends and be receptive when they do this with you, like this you will be able to build trust, which is also very important. And as I am sure you know, the base of trust is honesty,” Abby said, stopping for a second to let the information sink in.

 

“I wouldn’t lie to Raven,” the Commander said, and Abby nodded her head, the alpha was many things, but she was not a liar.

 

“I know you wouldn’t lie, but you are the kind of person that prefers to keep things to herself, and that’s fine, you don't need to share every single thing with her, but being open will allow you to get to know each other better.”

 

“Okay. Intimacy, trust, honesty,” the Commander said, repeating the words to herself.

 

“Yeah, I think it is also important to show your friends you care and that you appreciate them, this will help them feel valued and cherished,” Abby said, watching as the Commander whispered the words back to herself with a small frown of concentration. “I have an idea, wait here, I’ll just go to my office for a moment,” Abby said, standing up before the Commander could say anything.

 

The alpha watched her come back with a book in hand, it was small, not very thick and the cover was colored in blue and green, The Little Prince, read the title.

 

“This book covers a few topics, friendship is one of them, I think it will help you understand a little better. It’s short so you will have time to go through it while you are here, but remember, there can’t be friendship without respect and kindness, that’s just what every person deserves, okay?”

 

“Yes, thank you,” the Commander said as she took the book from Abby’s hands, there was a blonde boy on the cover, sitting in what the alpha assumed to be a giant floating rock.

 

“Feel free to ask me any questions you may have; it won’t be a problem.”

 

“Thank you, Doctor Griffin, I will take care of your book,” the Commander said, looking away from the Doctor and directing her gaze towards the book.

 

Abby nodded to herself and stood up, stopping by the door and glancing back only to see that the Commander had already started reading. That day she started seeing her under a new light.

 

………………….

 

When Raven went back to see the Commander, she found her wide awake with a small blue book in her hands.

 

“Well, this is unexpected, shouldn’t you be resting?” the omega asked, noticing immediately Lana’s absence.

 

“All I’ve done is sleep, I feel well enough to do some reading. This book is short and it has many drawings, I believe I can finish it soon.”

 

“Okay,” Raven said, offering the alpha a small smile and sitting on her usual chair beside the bed, resting her arms on the Commander’s bed. “How do you like it so far?”

 

“It’s lovely,” the Commander said with a small smile playing at the corner of her lips, the sight alone was enough for Raven’s smile to get wider. “And the main character, he came from the stars, like you.” The Commander said, showing Raven one particular drawing, in which the Little Prince was standing on his tiny planet, surrounded by stars.

 

“Oh! That’s cool,” Raven said, as she watched the blonde boy, “why are you reading it though? Were you bored?”

 

“No, I asked Doctor Griffin how to be a good friend to you, she gave me some advice and then she gave me this book, she said I would understand better from reading it, and I think she was right,” the Commander said, flipping the pages back until she reached a chapter she had already read. In the pages, Raven saw a few drawings, both of them had an orange animal that she wasn’t too sure how to name. She didn’t have much time to think about it, her brain was too busy firing with the overwhelming fondness that came with seeing the Commander so invested and so concerned about being a good friend to her.

 

“Really? What did you find in the book?” Raven asked, feeling her whole body soften from the inside and out as the Commander’s little frown came back, her eyes moving quickly over the words as she looked for something specific.

 

“You need to tame me, Raven,” the Commander said, her tone very serious. Raven’s eyes widened, never in her life she would have expected an alpha to say something like that.

 

“What? What do you mean?” Raven said, still trying to get over the shock.

 

“Here, see?” the Commander said as she pointed a specific section of the page. “The Little Prince, he asks the Fox to play with him, but the Fox can’t do that because he is not tamed, he is just an animal, like many other animals. But to tame, it means to establish ties, to form a bond, I believe. Once we establish a tie, I won’t be just a regular person, I will become someone to you, we will be unique and special to each other…” the Commander said, moving her eyes away from the page and then up to Raven’s eyes.

 

“My life is always the same, it’s about my duty and about my people, but if you tame me it’d be like the sun shining on me. Here, the Fox says his life is monotonous, boring, but if the Little Prince decided to tame him it’d be as if the sun came to shine on his life. I believe it would be the same for me. The meaning of things would change, the bark of the trees, the earth itself, the fall leaves and the pine cones, they made me feel nothing, but once you tame it all will change because when I see them I shall think of you, of the color of your eyes, and autumn shall become my favorite season instead of spring, do you understand?”

 

Raven looked back at the Commander, unable to forms words, feeling her insides melt and her body strain with the sudden need to move closer and wrap the alpha safely in her arms.

 

“I think I do,” Raven said gently, noticing that the Commander had never talked as much as she was talking then. “Tell me more.”

 

“It is said here that patience is very important, we will get closer and closer slowly, until one day, I will love the sight of fall leaves littering the ground. And there is one more thing...” the Commander said, stopping for a second and looking away from Raven all of a sudden. She was staring very intensely at the very end of one of the pages, at the very end.

 

“What is it?” Raven asked, getting closer to try and see what it said.

 

“You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed,” the Commander read, and hesitantly looked up at Raven once again. “I would understand if you didn’t want the burden and the responsibility of being my friend, you can take back your offer.”

 

“I don’t want to take it back,” Raven said at once, offering the alpha a small smile, “I think we are going to be good friends.”

 

“You would tell me if I happened to do something wrong, yes?”

 

“Sure, and you can do that, too,” Raven said, receiving a nod from the Commander. “Would it be okay if I read the rest of the book with you?”

 

“Yes, of course, we could go back to the beginning if you want.”

 

“You wouldn’t mind?” Raven asked, arching her eyebrows slightly, the Commander was about to finish the book, but now she was offering to go back to the beginning and read the whole thing once more.

 

“No, I quite enjoy it and there are a few words I don’t know, maybe you could explain them to me.”

 

“Oh, sure,” Raven said, getting rid of her jacket and her shoes, “Move over a bit, I think we can both fit on the bed.”

 

“I can take the chair and you can take the bed,” the Commander said as she started to incorporate herself.

 

“Hey, no, there’s no need for that,” Raven said, placing a hand on the Commander’s shoulder to keep her down. “I’m sure we will both fit fine.”

 

“Yes, but we will be very close, I don’t wish to upset you, or make you uncomfortable. I can take the chair,” the Commander said, and Raven couldn’t help the rush of hot anger that flooded her veins, she knew exactly where the Commander was coming from, and she hated it.

 

“You won’t, I like being close to you,” Raven said, trying to be reassuring, “Just move a little to the side, try to be careful.”

 

“You are sure?” the Commander said, green eyes big and searching all over Raven’s face, trying to find one little bit of discomfort on the omega’s face.

 

“I’m sure,” Raven said, gently helping the Commander move to the edge of the bed so she could lay down on the remaining space sideways. She kept one arm folded under her head and the other stretched across her side, with the limited space the edge of her chin was pressed against the Commander’s shoulder.

 

A moment later they started reading, Raven smoothly taking over and reading out loud for the both of them.

 

As they went Raven answered many questions, she talked to the Commander about planes, engines, asteroids, and planets, she talked to her about the Old World upon the mention of France and the United States… She spoke until she noticed that the Commander was starting to fall asleep, having spent much more time awake than during the past few days. She sometimes would startle herself awake and ask Raven to keep going, they had not yet reached the Fox part and every time Raven asked the Commander to get some rest, she would deny, saying she wanted to read about the Fox again.

 

Eventually, the Commander realized she was too exhausted to make it there, she let her eyes fall shut and Raven continued reading, hoping her voice would soothe the Commander enough to fall asleep.

 

“Raven,” the Commander mumbled, more asleep than awake at that point. Her head was tilted to the side, towards Raven, so when the omega turned her head the tip of her nose almost brushed the Commander’s. They were so close that Raven could easily count the Commander’s long eyelashes and the tiny freckles that rested on the bridge of her nose, there were not too many, just a few, sprinkled there and making her look so impossibly gorgeous. Raven had to bite her lip, if not she would have kissed her.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I think you have started taming me already,” the Commander said, her voice nothing but a whisper, loud in Raven’s ears for being so close.

 

“Why?”

 

“You went to Polis… for the park… remember?” the Commander said, some words lost in her sleepy mumble, but Raven got enough to understand the idea of it.

 

“Yes, I remember,” Raven said, waiting impatiently to hear what the Commander would say next.

 

“You told me about… the sun… how it is… a star, remember?”

 

“Yes, I remember, why?”

 

“It’s like the Fox said… To me, it’s not just the sun anymore… I can’t feel it’s warmth on my skin, or… see it’s rays shining bright… without thinking about you…” Her voice faded a few seconds later, and Raven could see, in the way her chest was moving, that she had fallen asleep. Her lips were left just slightly open, letting out small puffs of warm air that hit Raven’s lips.

 

The omega couldn’t hold back this time, the warmth in her chest was moving up, making her cheeks redden with a flush as she leaned in and placed a soft kiss between the Commander’s brows, right where the tiny cogwheel that represented her position as Heda usually rested.

 

She pulled back after a few seconds, closing the book and placing it on the table by the bed. Her room was too far away, she might as well just stay there with the Commander, she would come to visit first thing in the morning either way.

 

With that in mind, Raven moved a little bit closer, pulling the blankets on top of them both and closing her eyes.

 

…………………….

 

“She mentioned you are friends now,” Abby said, startling Raven and making her almost fall off the bed. She had been lying there, staring at the Commander’s profile when the Doctor had spoken and almost given her a hard attack.

 

“Shit, Abby!” Raven said, half whispering, half shouting as she scrambled to get off the bed, being careful as to not wake up the other alpha. Raven knew the Commander was a light sleeper, but with the medication she was so frequently on she pretty much stayed out until the effects of the meds wore off. “Yes, she is my friend,” she said as she pulled the blankets up to the Commander’s shoulders.

 

Abby hummed to herself as she gave the Commander a light check-up, glancing up at the machines beside the bed and reading over the result of her last blood work.

 

“Do you think I am making a mistake?” Raven asked quietly, biting the inside of her cheek.

Abby looked up from the chart in her hands and looked at Raven with calm eyes, closing the chart and putting it on the table beside Lexa’s bed.

“I think she is the loneliest child I have ever met,” Abby said honestly. “She is surrounded by advisors, generals, soldiers, clan leaders, chiefs… by people who need or want something from her, by people whose job is to protect her. Her people love her like they love a deity, from far away. She has been on the brink of death many times now and the only person who has come is a man only worried about taking away the Flame, whatever that means. When she was impaled with the sword, I saw him yelling at Indra for not ending the Commander’s fight, thinking that trying to save her was a waste of time and that they were only trapping the spirit.” The doctor moved her eyes away from Raven to look at Lexa. “Her parents, if she has them, have never come to see her. I often wonder who will mourn for her when she dies, not for the Commander, for the child under the armor. I think no one needs a friend more than she does.” Abby said, moving her eyes back to Raven and walking towards the young omega, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Raven’s eyes were locked on the Commander’s face, Abby’s words turning in her head. She only looked up at the doctor when Abby took a hold of her chin and tilted her head up slightly.

“At the same time, I worry that the person who is going to end up mourning her will be you. You are strong Raven and anyone would be lucky to have you, but you have suffered enough and even if the Commander won’t be able to hurt us or betray us again and that we have no intention to hurt her people, that doesn’t mean that others don’t have the intentions to hurt her. She is the leader of a Nation, she will be always in a position of power, more often than not she will be here, in our medical wing fighting for her life and if you get close to her seeing her like that will hurt you. One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe next year, she is going to die and it is going to hurt. So, for both of your sakes, you need to decide if you are willing to go through that pain when it comes, because it will, and you know that I may not always be able to bring her back,” Abby said, squeezing Raven’s shoulder to make sure the omega was listening closely. “Do you understand?”

Raven nodded mutely, moving away from Abby and sitting beside Lexa’s bed, reaching out to hold the Commander’s hand with her own. Her decision had been made.

Abby nodded with a small smile and as she left the room her chest was filled with a mix of pride and concern.

………………………………

Time seemed to crawl by as the Commander recovered, somehow Raven ended up half living in the Commander’s medbay room and every day she would help Abby take care of the recovering alpha. She helped to feed her, she helped her change and as soon as Abby gave Lexa the okay to walk around Raven would be the one to hold her gently and keep her from falling.

Everyday Lexa would look at Raven, feeling hesitant and shy, nervous and a little embarrassed, and she would tell her in whispers that she didn’t have to do any of those things, she would assure Raven that she didn’t have to help her, that she could go see her friends, work, go around her day and that she would be okay, that Lana or some of the nurses would help her.

Raven had stopped telling the Commander otherwise when she noticed that the Commander wouldn’t ever stop saying the same things, instead, she would just press a kiss on the Commander’s forehead and help her with whatever she needed at the moment.

“You are too good to me,” the Commander said as Raven helped her lay down on the bed, a few laps around the medbay were enough to leave her completely exhausted.

Raven smiled at the Commander as she grabbed the blankets and pulled them up to the alpha’s shoulders.

“I am sure you will find a way to repay me,” Raven said teasingly, rolling her eyes in exasperation once she saw the Commander’s serious expression. “I was only kidding, you don’t owe me anything, I did this because I wanted to.”

“Still, I am very grateful. My recoveries don’t usually go like this,” the Commander said and Raven frowned, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at the alpha with confusion.

“How do they usually go?”

“I am not allowed much rest; I am prompted to go back to my duties as soon as I manage to stay awake more than a couple of hours. My healers and the maidens that help me when I am unable to take care of things on my own rarely worry about pain management, my role as Commander means that I am capable of taking it. I am only allowed to get pain medication when one of my injuries is fatal and painful enough to send me into shock. Lana tries to help me and get me something to make the pain better sometimes, and she tries to keep me company, too, but I worry that Titus will find out and make her leave. Because of that, I spend most of the time on my own, with different matters being brought to my bedside for me to review them. It is all very-”

“Awful,” Raven said, interrupting Lexa and feeling suddenly glad that the Commander had been treated in Arkadia, especially because Lexa spent most of the first few days half-conscious with a cocktail of medications cursing through her veins. She had slept for most of the day and had been barely coherent during her woken moments. “I am glad Abby managed to convince your advisors to let you recover here, it’s been nice to have you around for more than a couple of days.”

“I haven’t been able to do much, Raven. I know that my company hasn’t been the most enjoyable for you.”

“On the contrary,” Raven said with a grin. “I like you better when you are sleeping.” The Commander frowned in confusion, unsure about believing the Mechanic. “I was just kidding. I think it is a good time to get to know each other better, why don’t you tell me something about you? What would you be doing if you weren’t Heda?”

“I am unsure, I was trained to become Heda since I was very young. I never thought I could be anything else. I would either become Heda, or die as a Nightblood,” Lexa said, and small frown developed on Raven’s face, Lexa had never really had options.

“Well, why don’t you think about it now? What do you like to do?” Raven asked and Lexa tilted her head to the side, she couldn’t remember the last time someone had asked her something like that.

“I like to read, I like farming, growing crops and the like, I like swimming and riding my horse. I also like drawing and carving or to make things out of wood and stone. I once made a bow for someone special to me, it was nice.”

“Well, there you go,” Raven said with a smile as she made herself comfortable on Lexa’s bed, laying down beside the Commander before the alpha could protest and start asking her if she was okay with them being that close. “You could be a farmer, or you could make stuff and then trade it.”

“Yes, I suppose,” Lexa said, her lips tilting up to the side as she looked into Raven’s eyes. “Maybe in my next life I will be able to do one of those things.”

“Do you believe that we will have another life after we die?”

“I feel like if I don’t believe it, living in this world would be much harder,” Lexa said and Raven nodded in understanding. They stayed quiet for a moment until an idea popped up in Raven’s brain.

“You mentioned in your letters that you are not sure about your age, so I assume you don’t know when your birthday is?” Raven said and Lexa shook her head. “Well, that only means we can have some fun and choose a day for you.”

“It is not necessary; it is not important. We have a day where we celebrate my ascension as Commander.”

“It’s not the same, you were someone before you were Heda and that person deserves to be celebrated, too,” Raven said, watching Lexa’s eyes go very light, very green, her face softening as she swallowed hard. “Come on, amuse me,” Raven said, giving the Commander a charming smile.

“I rather enjoy spring.”

“Nice one, how would you feel about celebrating your birthday during the Spring Equinox?” Raven said and Lexa frowned slightly.

“What is an Equinox?” Lexa asked and Raven reached out with her hand to smooth Lexa’s small frown with her fingers.

“It’s a day where the length of the day and night is almost equal.”

“Oh,” Lexa said, finding something familiar with Raven’s explanation. “It’s the day when we start getting more daylight after the darkness of winter.”

“Yes, exactly. For some people, it represents new light, new beginnings, a fresh start. In some civilizations of the Old World, long, long ago, the Spring Equinox was considered the start of a new year,” Raven said and Lexa smiled.

“I think I’d like that. What does someone do during their birthday?” Lexa asked and Raven thought for a moment before answering.

“Well, you celebrate with friends and family, maybe you go to a nice place you like, or have your favorite meal, or maybe do something you love doing.”

“Celebrate with friends and family?” Lexa said, thoughtful, her words coming more like a question than like a statement, she didn’t have friends, she didn’t have a family. “Does that mean that I can expect to spend that day with you? Just the two of us? Because now you are my friend?” the Commander said, and even her last sentence sounded more like a question than like a statement.

Raven felt her heart ache deeply and her light expression seemed to fall for a second. She tried to recover quickly and smiled brightly at the Commander.

“Yes, that’s exactly what will happen next year. Just you and me, doing something you like, having your favorite food, anything you want,” Raven said watching Lexa smile in such a pretty way.

“Your company will be more than enough; we don’t usually see each other for so many days in a row.”

“Yeah, I know,” Raven said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Lexa’s ear.

“Perhaps I should get injured or sick more often.”

“Don’t you dare!” Raven said, her eyes widening as she gave Lexa a gentle slap on the shoulder. “You already get injured enough.”

“What about your birthday? How do you celebrate it?” Lexa asked and Raven’s expression fell slightly.

“Well, my mother wasn’t great,” Raven said, stopping for a second to decide if she wanted to share something so private with the Commander or not, “She used to exchange our food rations for drugs or alcohol, so she was pretty out of it most days. She didn’t pay attention to me because she was so fucking high, or doing whatever she needed to do to get more drugs. So, my birthdays, and the rest of the time really, I was just hungry, so much so that it got painful sometimes. I never really did anything for my birthday, not until I met Finn, he would usually share half of his rations with me, but on my birthday, he would give me one of his meals, all of it. My birthday is almost a month before yours, during winter, on February 27th,” Raven said very quickly, not wanting to think about it too much.

Lexa’s expression had fallen as well. She wanted to move her hands, to reach out to Raven and offer her some comfort with her touch, but she couldn’t do that, not when she wasn’t a 100% sure the omega would be comfortable and appreciative of such actions.

“That won’t happen again, I promise. I will make sure you don’t go hungry ever again, much less during your birthday,” Lexa said, her tone serious.

“I know you won’t,” Raven said, her lips curling up again at seeing just how much the Commander cared. She leaned forward a pressed a lingering kiss on the Commander’s cheek. “I imagine you never went hungry in the Polis Tower.”

Lexa hummed for a moment as she thought. Raven didn’t expect it, she had stayed at the Polis tower a couple of times and she had never eaten better.

“I have, just not because of lack of food. It’s part of the Nightblood training to be able to deal with hunger, thirst, pain, lack of sleep, just in case we are ever captured or lost in the forest. So, sometimes they would lock us in a room, chain us, ask us questions with the promise of food. Answering would be a betrayal to our people so we couldn’t do that, the only option was starvation,” Lexa said, and Raven looked back at her, horrified.

“For how long would this happen?”

“The time would change depending on the Nightblood, some would be able to resist more than others.”

“You have to be kidding me? How did you and the rest of those kids manage not to die?” Raven asked, her voice laced with anger.

“When you are captured the enemy doesn’t usually leave you with nothing, every couple of days they will give you water or some sort of sustenance, like bread or something equally bland and tasteless, so your body is capable of handling it, you won’t be at a 100% but you won’t die, you will just be feeling like you want to die and that is the most dangerous thing, which is why it's more a way to train the mind than the body, to not give in, don't give up, don’t relent. If they didn’t just simply kill you, they want you, and for as long as they do they will keep you alive, when they stop they will execute you and it all will be over,” Lexa explained calmly, trying to ease the discomfort written all over Raven’s face. It did not work.

“Lexa, that’s horrible. Please, tell me you do not do this to the Nightbloods now. Please,” Raven begged and Lexa’s eyes went dark. Raven stood up from the bed quickly. “Oh my God,” she said, feeling completely disgusted.

“I would not do it if I did not find it necessary, Raven.”

“But, how could you? You love those kids,” Raven said, not knowing what to think.

“And because I love them I do it, Raven. Do you know what happens when you are captured and you talk?” Lexa asked and the look in her eyes told Raven that she knew about the matter from experience and not only from training. “Do you know what happens when you are no longer of use to the people who capture you?”

“They kill you,” Raven said, feeling dejected as she sat back down on the edge of Lexa’s bed.

“They do, and more often than not they take as long as they can. They are targets, Raven, they always will be and I can’t be the one who sends them out into the world unprepared. I know how it is, how it feels, they know how to damage your mind and they will do so without thinking twice. We never harm them, I would never allow it, this kind of training was much harsher before I took command, but I can’t take it all away. It is not within my power.”

“It isn’t?” Raven asked, confused, she had always thought that Lexa had the last say on everything.

“No. The matters of the Nightbloods, their teachers, their training and everything else is mostly overseen by Titus, who is the Flamekeeper. And he responds to the Wise Ones, it is a group of men and women who have kept the historical records of every Commander in existence, all the way back to the first Commander, Bekka Pramheda. They have no say in my political decisions, but they do control the Nightbloods, they are the ones who train people and send them away to find the children and speak to their families. I can try to appeal to them, make suggestions, but I can’t give them orders. If I do that might be seen as a disrespect and a threat to the ways of our people, they have no say over what I do in regards to the Clans, but they can order my execution.”

“So even if you wanted to stop this…?” Raven said and Lexa nodded in response.

“It would mean nothing to them. I did appeal to them and told them that the pain management training was too harsh and that it could have several repercussions in the future, they saw that I was right and have become less harsh, but that’s all I managed to do.”

“How did you convince them?” Raven asked, curious.

“I showed them my injury, one I didn’t get in battle, but in training. Back then one of my mentors twisted my arm back, dislocated my shoulder badly, it never really recovered. My left side is weaker and it feels like any blow might push my shoulder out of place. I would be stronger, better to my people, a better warrior if that mentor had measured himself. He left me permanently damaged and that in turn makes me weak. After that they couldn’t deny changing the pain management training,” Lexa said and Raven couldn’t stop herself from reaching out and placing her hand on Lexa’s left arm, she had heard of the Commander’s shoulder before, the alpha had mentioned it when she had been at Polis, had said how it was a recurrent injury and that she wore the pauldron to try and keep it from moving out of place.

“They broke your bones and called it training?” Raven said, her voice dripping with disbelief. Lexa nodded.

“Yes, I remember my ribs would get injured often enough, that’s why I am relatively used to the pain that comes with having them broken,” Lexa said and a sudden thought flashed in Raven’s mind.

“What about the whip marks?” Raven asked, she knew they were all over the Commander’s back, she had seen them every time they had slept together, and she was painfully aware of them because of how the Commander would always move Raven’s hands back to her shoulders and neck. Raven begged to whatever god that existed that as a kid Lexa hadn’t been tied to a pole and whipped just to teach her a lesson.

The Commander nodded and Raven’s heart dropped to her stomach, she was going to be sick.

“Some are from training, some from punishment, some from being taken,” Lexa said and Raven blinked quickly, her eyes filling with a thin film of tears. “Raven, please, I didn't mean to upset you,” Lexa said, looking pained. Again, she wanted to reach out and offer the omega her comfort, but she just couldn’t bring herself to touch her. Thankfully, Raven had no such reservations, she buried her face against the alpha’s shoulder, trying to hide her tears. Lexa hesitated once more, but seeing the omega clutching her arm made her brave enough to place her hand lightly on the omega’s upper arm, she was ready to move it away if she saw any sign of discomfort coming from the Mechanic.

“Don’t cry, I will tell you about something else,” Lexa whispered, tilting her head to the side so the side of her head would just barely brush against the top of Raven’s head.

“No, I want to know everything. I just feel so silly. Here I was, complaining because I didn’t have a full meal every day while you were starving and being whipped and getting your bones broken.”

“Raven, we are not competing. Your pain is just as valid as mine is. Please, don’t be upset, it’s okay now,” Lexa said and suddenly Raven pulled away looking back at the Commander with wild eyes.

“What about the burn marks?”

Lexa didn’t respond.

“The cuts?”

Again, Lexa didn’t say anything.

“Oh my God,” Raven said, as bile rushed up to her throat.

“Not all of them come from training, I got some of them when I was captured or in battle.”

“But some of them are from training, aren’t they?” Raven asked, knowing that Lexa wouldn’t lie. Eventually, the Commander nodded her head and Raven felt her heartbreak a Little further.

“You were beaten and tortured in your own home; how could you live like that?” Raven asked and the Commander opened her mouth to respond, she then closed it and frowned, not knowing what to say.

“I guess because it was always that way. I did not know anything different. It just was what it was,” Lexa said and her answer only seemed to sadden Raven further. Lexa seemed to notice the effect her words had on the omega, for she leaned forward and ducked her head, trying to meet Raven’s eyes. “Forgive me, what can I say for you to feel better?”

“Were you ever not miserable in that Tower?” Raven asked, unknowingly leaning her cheek on Lexa’s shoulder.

“Of course, Raven. There were happy times, too,” Lexa said and a shiny glint appeared in her eyes. “In fact, some time ago a beautiful omega grabbed me by the neck and kissed me, she dragged me into her room and I was given the privilege to spend the night with her.” Raven’s cheeks reddened as she looked back at Lexa with a tiny smile on her face.

“I meant when you were younger, Lexa,” Raven said, holding the hand the Commander had previously placed on her arm between both of her own.

“Yes, Raven. There were good times, too. I promise,” The Commander responded and Raven nodded with a sigh as she curled her body over the Commander’s side, leaning her head more comfortably against the alpha’s shoulder.

“Good. Now, take a nap with me,” Raven said as she closed her eyes. She felt heavy, burdened and sad with everything Lexa had told her. Maybe when she woke up everything would feel at least a little bit better.

“Of course, Raven,” Lexa said, closing her own eyes as she leaned her head against Raven’s, she waited for a second, trying to see if the omega would reject her touch, but after a few seconds nothing happened, and so the alpha allowed the tension in her shoulders to wash away.

………………..

One day, during a lazy afternoon they walked outside, the Commander supported by her new friend, who had an arm around her waist while with the other she held a basket, filled with a blanket and food, Lana had made sure to have pieces of their favorite foods placed inside.

Raven spread the blanket under a tree and helped the Commander sit down, she was much better, but there was still a giant bruise in the back of her hand, where the I.V line had previously been, the darkness under her eyes refused to go away, as did the paleness of her cheeks. Raven knew the Commander was not recovered yet, and she also knew that she would soon be forced to leave, she had heard Abby arguing with Titus through the radio enough times during the last couple of days to know that the Flamekeeper was losing his patience.

She was more than a little concerned, she knew the Commander was no longer in mortal danger, but she could see that the infection had really taken a huge toll on her, she was too exhausted to do much most days, especially since they had started walking and moving around more, and she knew from what the Commander had told her about how it was to heal in Polis that she would get no rest the moment she stepped foot on that tower.

She tried to not get herself worked up, knowing well that the alpha would notice and would ask about it. She sat down, prompting the Commander to sit by her side, the trunk of the tree was enough to support them both, though, it forced them to sit very closely, the sides of their arms pressed together tightly.

“Is this okay?” the Commander asked, “I can give you some space.”

“No, I’m perfect like this, and we need to be this close if we are going to read together, I’m sure you won’t want to miss the pictures,” Raven said, as she took the Little Prince from the basket. They had made some progress, but the more the Commander did physical activity the more exhausted she was when she got back to her room, so they hadn’t gotten around to finishing it quite yet.

Raven didn’t think she had ever read a book quite like that, she read a lot, but it was always related to her field of work, reading something so tender and so lovely was making an unusual feeling of peace and calm settle over her bones. There were too many thoughts and ideas that would stay with her forever, and she was sure that when they finished, she would have to read it again.

Another lovely thing was to watch the Commander react to it all, how she mouthed the words to herself, following Raven’s reading pace perfectly, how she would frown and smile and repeat entire sentences to herself when she really liked them, how she would point them to Raven, her eyes wide like a child’s, as if she had just found the answer to a question she had never thought to ask.

But then, then came the end of the book. Raven’s eyes got a little bit wider with every word, the knot in her throat getting bigger and bigger until she could barely speak. The Commander got tense by her side, stiff as a board, her jaw clenched so tight that Raven wouldn’t be surprised if her teeth turned into dust.

_"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for_ _different people. For some, who are travelers, the stars are guides. For others they_ _are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are_ _problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all these stars are silent._ _You−− you alone−− will have the stars as no one else has them−−”_ Raven read slowly, her tongue feeling heavy with every word she spoke, the Commander just sat by her side, her breathing louder than it had been seconds before.

 

_"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it_ _will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night... you−−_ _only you−− will have stars that can laugh!"_ Raven continued to read, her eyes watering.

 

_ "I shall look as if I were suffering. I shall look a little as if I were dying. It is like  _ _ that. Do not come to see that. It is not worth the trouble..." _

 

_ "I shall not leave you." _

 

A tear fell over the white paper, leaving a stain over the black letters, Raven thought it was her own, but she was not quite sure.

 

After the last page came the silence, came the sorrow, the strange feeling of loss over a little boy that probably never existed.

Reading his story had been lovely, had made Raven feel the same kind of warmth she felt whenever the Commander looked back at her with her lopsided smile or with her little frown of confusion. And still, she couldn’t help but feel sad and a little heartbroken, she couldn’t help but hope that the blond-haired boy had gone back to his planet and was still alive in the stars.

 

When Raven turned to look at the Commander, she saw that the alpha’s eyes were red-rimmed and filled with salt. The alpha offered a weak smile and lifted her hand.

 

“May I?” she asked, and after receiving a nod from Raven she allowed herself to cup the omega’s cheek with her hand and catch a few tears with her thumb. “Don’t be sad, I am sure the Little Prince went back to his star, we will see him tonight, and we will hear him laugh, I promise.”

 

“You are sure?” Raven asked, clutching the Commander’s wrist, keeping the alpha from moving her hand away from her face.

 

“I’m sure, he is up there, I know it,” the Commander said with a smile, wiping the last of Raven’s tears with her thumb.

 

“We will come back here tonight then, to see him,” Raven said, and the Commander nodded, standing up as she held onto her right side. She offered her free hand to Raven, helping her to her feet and walking her back inside the camp.

 

……………………..

 

She was not in the greatest mood; she knew it and if the way everyone seemed to be getting out of her way was any indication then every single person surrounding her must have known as well. Apparently, Clarke had decided to ignore her mood, and if there was one person Raven didn’t want to see, that was Clarke.

 

Thankfully she had left Lexa back at the medbay with Lana, the Commander had insistently asked her to go outside and do something other than sit by her bedside, Raven fought her for a while, but she relented when she noticed the Commander wouldn’t stop. She was thankful Lexa was not there to see Clarke, Raven wanted the blonde as far away from the alpha as possible.

 

“Out of my way, Clarke, not in the mood,” Raven said, trying to channel her inner Octavia and not punch the blonde in the face. What had O said? Hurting Clarke wouldn’t make her feel better, yeah, something along those lines. Was she right, though? Raven was not too sure.

 

“We need to talk and you know it,” Clarke said, following after the Mechanic until they reached her room.

 

“Unless you come to tell me that you are going to apologize to Lexa then I have nothing to talk to you about, however, if you need someone to punch you in the fucking throat I can give you a hand with that,” Raven said, taking off her jacket and turning around to look at the blonde with her arms crossed over her chest.

 

“I’ll apologize when she apologizes to me for leaving me at the Mountain,” Clarke said and Raven couldn’t help but laugh ironically.

“Are you fucking kidding me? You want the Commander of the 13 Clans, the person who doesn’t even exist outside of her duty and her role as a leader, to apologize for doing the thing she has been trained to do since she was a fucking child, are you for real?” Raven asked, looking back at Clarke with disbelief when a memory jumped to the forefront of her mind. “The funniest thing about all of this is that she did apologize to you, or are you so blinded by your resentment and your anger that you don’t remember?”

 

Clarke frowned in confusion, not knowing what the omega was referring to.

 

“Months ago, when she came to offer us a place in her Coalition, she apologized to you, I remember it like it was just yesterday. She said: I’m sorry, Clarke, I never meant to turn you into this. What else do you want from her?”

 

“She wouldn’t have had to apologize if she hadn’t left to begin with, she is a traitor and she will stab you in the back as soon as she has the chance.”

 

“For fucks sake, don’t be ridiculous, look at me in the eye and tell me that if you had been offered the same deal you would have said no. Come on, do it,” Raven said, not waiting for Clarke to respond when she continued. “We burnt down their villages, we killed hundreds of them, we massacred their elders and their children, we treated them like they are less than us, like they are savages, and we still do that sometimes. If we could have sacrificed them to save ourselves we would have done it, and don’t delude yourself into thinking otherwise.”

 

“I was not just anyone to her, Raven, there was something between us and she left anyway, like it didn’t matter,” Clarke said, clenching her jaw in anger as she looked back at the other omega.

 

“The Ice Queen tortured and murdered the woman she was planning to form a family with and what did Lexa do after that, Clarke, what did she do?” Raven asked, knowing she had successfully made her point when the blonde looked away. “Yeah, that’s right, she swallowed her pain, buried it deep down where she couldn’t see it and accepted that fucking bitch into her alliance, and why? because it was the best she could do for her people.”

 

“I thought there was hope for us, I thought that when the fight was over and won I would have her, right there, by my side, I thought that I would go to Polis and that I would get to live, not just struggle and survive, to live, with her. But instead she left me there, and I became a monster, this is not something I will recover from, Raven, and it all would have been different if she had been there. I only wanted her to feel an ounce of the pain I felt when she abandoned me.”

 

“Well, I hope you are happy because you succeeded, she was going to get herself executed. Public humiliation, castration, death by a thousand cuts, beheading, she was going to surrender herself to all of it because she could barely look at herself without puking after you made her believe she had forced me to do things I didn’t want to do. She would have done it if she hadn’t gotten sick, all of it because of a fucking lie, and now she asks me if I’m okay and comfortable every two seconds, she can’t even touch me without asking, all because of you. And you are just plain stupid if you think leaving you there didn’t hurt her to begin with, of course it hurt her, that’s why she has been protecting you ever since, protecting **us** , that’s why she even offered us a place in her Coalition, she was making sure she wouldn’t have to choose her people over you ever again. I saw it all, I saw it in how she looked at you when all you did was rub Niylah in her face and walk all over what she was doing.”

 

“So, what? She is a saint now? she has never done anything wrong?” Clarke said sarcastically, her eyes shining with angry tears, her hands curled into fists.

 

“Far from it, I’m not saying she is perfect, I know what she is capable of, but her actions never came from a place where she decided to hurt you, that wasn’t her intention, she left because that was what was required of her, but it wasn’t part of some plan she had to cause you pain. You, on the other hand, hurt her because you could, you intended to cause her pain, you speak of her like she is a monster, but what do your actions say about you?” Raven snapped back, barely able to contain her anger, she was seconds away from punching the blonde’s teeth in.

 

“It’s nice, isn’t it? To feel like the most powerful alpha as far as your eyes can see has her attention on you, it’s nice because she listens and she is reassuring and understanding, it's nice because she makes you feel safe, but all of it, all those good things will always be overshadowed by the fact that you will never come first for her, and she will turn her back on you as soon as it is convenient to her,” Clarke said, her eyes filled with venom as she tried to make Raven understand.

 

“Yes, and so everyone has told me, even Octavia has gone on and on about the same things, but do you know what’s the difference?” Raven asked, curling her hands into fists and burying her nails in her palms to keep herself from doing something stupid. “The difference is that Octavia knows that whatever I do with the Commander, or with anyone else, is my choice, only mine. She can only do what any other friend would do, warn me, share with me her point of view, try to make me see her reasons. She didn’t get in between Lexa and me, she didn’t go and try to break us behind my back, and she didn’t go trying to execute some revenge using the excuse of protecting me. I understand she hurt you, I understand the resentment and the pain, I even understand your hate towards her, but I had nothing to do with it and you still used me to hurt her. If you want to hurt her, fine, go, be that person, but if you ever try to use me to hurt her again, I swear to god, Clarke, I don’t even know what I will do.”

 

“Is this some kind of revenge?” Clarke said out of nowhere, startling Raven out of her anger and flooding her with confusion.

 

“What?”

 

“This whole thing, you sleeping with Lexa… Is this revenge for Finn? Because he fell in love with me?”

 

“Are you saying that I seduced the Commander to hurt you?” Raven said, she could barely speak with the laughter that was bubbling in her throat. “I was entering heat when I first slept with her, I didn’t care who she was as long as she was giving me orgasms. And why would I assume being with her would hurt you? You hate her guts, that’s blatantly obvious, and she doesn’t even see you as an option anymore, what she does for you, she doesn’t even do it to try and fix things between the two of you, she does it because she can and because she wants to, she does it even if she thinks fixing things with you is foolish.” Raven paused, trying to calm down her angrily pulsing heart before she directed her gaze back at Clarke. “She stayed out of your way when all she wanted was to see you, she takes the heat in Polis each time you refuse to go when the Ambassadors demand your presence, she sends you things she thinks you will enjoy, and she does all of that expecting nothing from you, not even hoping for you to forgive her. So, no, I did not decide to keep sleeping with her for you, or Finn, or anyone other than me, because for months now I’ve gotten the chance to know her and I think she is a good person to have around me.”

 

“You will regret this, I can promise you that,” Clarke said, “she will break you like she broke me and then you will see that you should have taken the way out when you had the chance to.”

 

“I’d doubt it, and even if I do, I know I won’t regret having her around as much as you will regret not getting your head out of your ass soon enough,” Raven said, leaving her room before Clarke could say anything else.

 

……………..

 

“Are you okay? You seem upset, you don’t have to share it with me, though I’d like to help you if that’s something you’d like,” the Commander said once the silence in her room had gotten too suffocating.

 

Just half an hour after she had managed to get Raven to leave and do something other than sit by her side, the omega had come back and dropped down on her usual chair, not saying anything and glaring at the wall like it had personally offended her. The Commander had given Lana a look, who with an understanding nod had left the room. The alpha had decided to not bother the omega, not when it was obvious that she had no desire to talk, so she had decided to continue drawing in her journal, but then Raven’s anger seemed only to grow and the Commander was starting to choke with the scent of it.

 

“It’s fine, it's not something you can help me with, thank you, though,” Raven said, turning her head to glance at the alpha for the first time since she had arrived. The alpha had a piece of charcoal between her fingers and it seemed like she had at some point rubbed her eye with her stained hand, for dark blotches of black were smeared under her eyes and over the side of her nose.

 

The sight instantly made Raven smile, she reached out with her hand and gently brushed her thumb over the black stains, caressing the alpha’s skin until the blotches were gone.

 

“You had a little something on your face,” Raven said, feeling the rush of her anger drain from her body when she caught big green eyes looking back at her. “What are you drawing?”

 

“You,” the Commander said simply and Raven’s eyes widened.

 

“Me? Really?” Raven asked, receiving a nod from the Commander, who turned her journal towards the omega, so she could see the portrait that the alpha had been making on one of the pages. The resemblance was striking, each faction and line as close to perfection as it could possibly be, Raven felt like she was looking at a mirror, and her reflection was smiling. “Why?”

 

“I don’t have much time to draw anymore, not for pleasure, it has become a part of my duty too, I draw maps, our cities, and villages, different routes, things of the like. But when I draw for me, I prefer to do things I like, or that I find beautiful,” the alpha said, and Raven felt a rush of warmth jump straight to her cheeks.

 

“You find me beautiful?”

 

“Of course, Raven,” the Commander said, making a face that told Raven that she considered the question kind of ridiculous. “I quite enjoy seeing you smile, it’s beautiful.”

 

“Thank you,” Raven said, feeling too speechless to respond with a teasing remark.

 

“No need, it is only the truth.”

 

“Your smile is nice, too,” Raven said, at last, making the Commander’s eyes jump from the drawing and towards Raven’s face.

 

“I’m not sure about that.”

 

“Why?”

 

“It feels odd on my face, I’m not sure I do it properly,” She said and Raven swallowed hard.

 

“You do, it looks pretty, I swear. It will stop feeling odd when you start doing it more.”

 

“I don’t do it often, so maybe it will always feel slightly odd,” the Commander said, looking up at Raven with a slight curve on the corner of her lips.

 

“Don’t worry, you’ve got me now, I’ll make sure you smile more often,” Raven said, watching as the Commander’s smile unconsciously widened.

 

“You don’t have to; you are already too good to me.”

 

“You give me too much credit, I haven’t done much,” Raven said, knowing that every little gesture was a big thing for the Commander because she had been on her own for so long. “And I want to, so it’s fine.”

 

“I’ll make sure you smile more, too,” the Commander said then, and Raven looked back at her with arched eyebrows.

 

“Why? You just said my smile is beautiful, were you lying? do you think it’s odd?” Raven said, she was teasing, but the Commander didn’t seem to catch her tone. The little frown Raven liked so much was back on her face.

 

“No, Raven, I was being honest, I want to make sure you smile more because I enjoy seeing you smiling, that’s all.”

 

Raven smiled brightly, giving the Commander the toothy grin she liked so much.

 

“Relax, I was only playing around with you,” Raven said, “You are very good at drawing, I’m impressed.”

 

“Thank you,” the Commander said, some color returning to her pale cheeks. “I can show you more if you want.”

 

“Sure, that’d be cool,” Raven said, already kicking off her boots as she climbed onto the Commander’s bed.

 

“I don’t have many in this journal, this one is fairly new, but look, this is my favorite horse…”

 

……………………….

 

A few days later Raven entered the Commander’s room to see Lana helping the alpha put on her armor. She turned her gaze from the pair and towards Abby, who was angrily typing on the tablet in her hand.

 

“What the fuck is this?”

 

“Raven-” the Commander tried, but the omega cut her off.

 

“Abby, what the fuck is this? It hasn’t even been two weeks yet, her stitches aren’t even out, you can’t possibly be letting her leave!” Raven was going to shove a bomb down someone’s throat, she was going to fucking kill-

 

“Titus is not leaving us much of a choice, her presence has been demanded at the capital and she is no longer in enough danger for me to demand she stays here.”

 

“And how does he know that? He isn’t here, you can tell him whatever and he won’t know, just like when you didn’t tell him about the coma.”

 

“Because I have been speaking to him,” the Commander interrupted again, and Raven turned to her with a fierce glare.

 

“You what?”

 

“Abby, Lana, if you could please give us a moment,” the Commander said, receiving a nod from both women before she was left alone with Raven.

 

“What have you been telling Titus?”

 

“I have told you how my recoveries go, as soon as I am able-”

 

“That’s the thing, you are not there, you are here, and you are not able!” Raven snapped, “the wound is still recent and the infection- Abby said you will need to be on antibiotics for weeks, you need to take proper care of yourself.”

 

“I will take the medication with me and Abby will send her right hand, Jackson, to keep an eye on me during the next couple of weeks. I don’t plan on being negligent with my health, much less now.”

 

“Much less now? What do you mean? What’s happening?” Raven’s mind started firing with the worst possible scenarios, if the Commander needed to take care of her health it was probably because there was some kind of shit storm going on in Polis. “If you are going back there to get yourself into some kind of mess, I swear to fucking god-”

 

“Your manner of speech is rather amusing,” the Commander said, her lips curling up at the corners as she fixed Raven with a soft look.

 

“This is not the time to look at me like that, don’t distract me!” Raven said and the Commander’s smile only got bigger.

 

“I’m not going back to any kind of mess, not that I know of. When I said that I don’t plan on being negligent with my health… I said it because I am… happy… to be your… friend… I’d like to have time to explore having this kind of relationship with you and to make that possible I need to take better care of myself,” the Commander said, shy and hesitant, and so unbearably endearing. Raven could barely believe it, she bit her lip, trying to resist the urge to grab the Commander from the front of her coat and pull her into a kiss.

 

“Oh, okay, that’s good, that’s good. Stay safe, if you get hurt, or die, I’m going to kill you,” Raven said, knowing that something in the sentence hadn’t made much sense. The Commander seemed to notice as well, and so she smiled, nodding her head anyway.

 

“Thank you, Raven, for everything. Your help during my recovery is invaluable to me, I appreciate it, truly. I hope to be in your presence again soon,” the Commander said, and before any of her words could continue to make Raven melt inside, the omega moved forwards and wrapped her arms around Lexa’s shoulders.

 

They had kissed and they had had sex, but they had never held each other like that.

 

The Commander froze for a moment, her whole body stiffened as Raven’s chest pressed against hers. For a moment she didn’t know what to do, she wasn’t sure if Raven would be comfortable with her returning the gesture.

 

“Hug me back, you weirdo,” Raven said with amusement, tightening her hold around the alpha’s shoulders. The Commander blinked quickly and lifted her arms, curling them gently around the middle of the omega’s back.

 

“Is this okay?” the Commander asked, her hands nowhere near any place that would be considered inappropriate.

 

“Yeah, that’s perfect,” Raven whispered, her words muffled against the Commander’s coat, she moved her hand from the Commander’s shoulder and towards the back of her neck, making just enough pressure for the alpha to let her head fall against Raven’s neck. “Just relax, there’s no need to be so tense,” Raven said, closing her eyes and breathing in deep as she progressively felt the Commander’s body grow pliant and soft against her own.

 

“Thank you, that was nice,” the alpha said once Raven started to pull away.

 

“No need for thanks, just stay safe, our friendship needs to last more than a couple of days,” Raven said, picking up the shoulder pauldron that was currently on the bed and helping the alpha put it on.

 

“It will,” the alpha said, pausing for a moment before she started talking once more, “I am glad to know that you never felt like I was taking advantage of you, it is a relief.”

 

“Yeah, next time just talk to me before you believe anything anyone tells you about me, okay?”

 

“Yes, I will talk to you first.”

 

“Good. Here, take this,” Raven said, grabbing the Little Prince from the near table, they had finished a few days ago but they hadn’t returned it to Abby.

 

“I couldn’t, Raven, it does not belong to me.”

 

“Hey, just take it, Abby won’t mind and I know you loved it, just take it and if you still feel bad about having it you can just give it back next time we see each other.”

 

“Okay, let me know if Doctor Griffin ever needs it and I will send it back.”

 

“Sure, now go before I force you to stay,” Raven said and the Commander smiled.

 

“Of course, Raven, I will be longing to see you,” the Commander said, clutching her side and walking out the door before Raven could even react.

 

The omega was left standing there, staring at the door with a warm feeling spreading all over her chest.

 

……………………..

 

That night Raven lay awake in bed, wondering how the Commander was doing, her wound was too recent to not be bothering her, and the omega could only hope that she wasn’t in too much pain. She knew it had been too soon for her to leave.

 

After a few moments her mind got lost in the book they had read together, there were so many beautiful words, all of them contained in a tiny little book, and still Raven couldn’t stop thinking about one specific quote, she knew it was not the most beautiful, and it wasn’t the most heartwarming, but she just could not stop thinking about it.

 

_ One runs the risk of weeping a _

_ little, if one lets himself be tamed… _

 

She could almost picture the image in her mind, the Fox speaking to the Little Prince, the Fox crying when the Little Prince left him.

 

She could also hear Abby’s voice in the back of her mind, her worry and her concern, how she had asked her if she was sure about deciding to be the Commander’s friend, worried because choosing to be her friend, was the same as choosing to go through the pain of losing her.

 

Raven threw an arm over her eyes in frustration, trying to think about something else, anything.

 

But still…

 

_ One runs the risk of weeping a little, _

_  if one lets himself be tamed… _

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! Early update here, I feel like I got this out rather quickly considering it has more than 16k words. I hope you like it!!! Thanks again for your lovely comments, they make my heart sing, really. I hope to see you guys again in the comment section.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: there is a torture scene at the very beginning of this chapter, and there is a character death in it, too, you need to trust me though, I got it all under control. So, if you feel like you have to skip it, do so, its the first part of the chapter, but if you can read it please do, it's not what it looks like, and most of the chapter is based on that first scene.

Something was wrong. That was the only thing Raven could think about as she made her way inside of Polis. The streets were empty and quiet as if every single one of Polis’ citizens had suddenly vanished.

 

She walked further and further, checking homes and stalls for signs of people, but there was none, not until she reached the middle of the city, near where the Commander’s tower stood tall and proud. Sound started reaching her, angry screams and shouts, they were in Trigedasleng, so she couldn’t understand what they were saying, but she was sure they were not friendly.

 

It seemed like the whole city was gathered there, they were in a circle, surrounding something, and they were all shouting angrily. She tried to make her way to the front, to see what was going on. Her heart was racing, and she didn’t know why, but the hairs in the back of her arms and neck were standing on end, her stomach was bubbling with panic… Something was wrong, something was very wrong.

 

She stumbled through the last wall of people, almost falling on her face if she hadn’t caught herself on someone’s shoulder.

 

The first thing she saw was the puddle of black on the floor, then she saw bare feet, dripping with the same substance, they slipped over the blood, making Raven wonder how the person had managed not to fall yet. On the floor, surrounding the feet, there were strands of brunette hair, wavy locks, and tight braids. The sense of familiarity that hit Raven’s chest made her eyes jump up and towards the face belonging to the owner of the bloodied feet.

 

And there she was, tied to a tree, completely bare, her body uncovered for everyone to see. Raven’s eyes widened, she didn’t need to ask who that was, she knew that body, she knew those cheekbones and that nose, she knew the ark of those shoulders and the curve of that jaw. She had run her lips all over that body, she had held onto those hips with all her strength. And those scars, the ones she had helped heal, they were being reopened, carved by knives, by sharp blades, allowing blood to spill free and drip down her skin.

 

“Lexa?” Raven gasped in disbelief, unable to process what she was seeing. The Commander’s beautiful hair was gone, her braids, the representations of her position and her status, they were gone. Raven had seen them on the floor before, but still, seeing the Commander’s bloody scalp came as a shock to her, a brutal punch to the gut that she could not comprehend. They hadn’t been gentle, they had hurt her as bad as they managed to, making the Commander’s scalp look like an open wound, the skin severed and lifted, letting the blood free to drip down her forehead and in between her eyes.

 

“Raven…” the Commander mumbled, lifting her head to try and find the source of the voice. Half-closed green eyes met widened brown ones; Raven didn’t know how the alpha managed to see anything with so much blood covering her face. “Raven… I’m sorry… I- I didn’t- mean to-” She was cut off by a brutal hit to the face, her head snapped to the side with the force of it, sending drops of black blood flying and staining the ground, leaving Lexa’s head limp, blood dripping from between her lips.

“Hey, stop!” Raven shouted, pushing at the guard that had hit the Commander and sending him away from her. “What the hell are you doing? Cut her off, take her down!” Raven screamed, rushing to the Commander’s side and not knowing where to touch her, or how to hold her, there were cuts everywhere, there was no way to touch her without hurting her and the thought of being the source of the Commander’s pain was killing her inside.

 

“Hey, hold on, okay? I’m going to get you some help, you are going to be good as new in no time,” Raven said, reaching for the rope that was keeping the Commander’s hands tied up.

 

“Raven-” the Commander whispered, her eyes rolling slowly in their sockets as she searched for Raven’s gaze. Her eyes were glassy and dull, just like they had been when Raven had held her on the stretcher, trying to keep a sword from moving and tearing her apart; just like they had been when Raven held her in the back of the rover, trying to keep her from losing the fight against the infection.

 

“Shut up! How dare you speak to her?” A guard shouted, pulling Raven forcefully away before he delivered one punch after the other against the Commander’s face.

 

“No! Stop! What are you doing?! STOP IT!” Raven continued to scream, failing to pull him away from the alpha.

 

“We are making her pay for what she did to you,” said a voice from the side. Raven turned to see Titus standing there, looking back at her with an expressionless face.

 

“For what she did to me?” Raven said, confused, turning to look at the Commander once more, her eyes drifting down until she saw the mangled lump that rested between the Commander’s legs…

 

_They would strip me bare in front of all my people_

_They would cut off my braids_

_They would tie me to a tree, and then they would proceed to remove my genitals_

_After that... death by a thousand cuts ...beheading…_

The sight sent Raven to her knees, her stomach cramping up and lurching violently, forcing her to expulse everything she had eaten right there, by Lexa’s bloody feet.

“Yes, her actions towards you were repulsive,” Titus said, disgust in his voice as he motioned for the ritual of death by a thousand cuts to continue. Raven watched from her place on the ground as Lexa’s people pulled out their knives, walked up to her and cut her without any hesitation or sign of remorse. “We are making sure she will never be able to abuse her power again.”

“No, no, no,” Raven said, not even noticing the tears in her cheeks as she stumbled back to her feet. “This is a mistake, she didn’t abuse her power, she didn’t hurt me in any way, I swear it.”

“We understand you were afraid; she used your fear to force you into her bed, but you don’t need to worry any longer, she can’t hurt you anymore,” Titus said, his face completely void of emotion as he looked back at Raven. “I wish we had known you were coming; we would have waited, you could have removed her genitals yourself.”

The last sentence made Raven’s mind spin, her eyes spotted with black and she felt her tongue turn into lead, too heavy for her to move it.

“Listen to me!” Raven tried to say, pushing the next person in line to cut the Commander away from the alpha. “She didn’t do anything wrong, I wanted to sleep with her, I swear it, I wanted it!”

“That is not what we heard, one of our guards heard it all, how Wanheda forced the Commander to stop what she was doing to you, how she forced her to stay away. You are just afraid, but there is no reason to be, we will make sure she can’t hurt you no more.” Titus said, nodding to one of the guards. The bulky man came towards Raven, grabbing her forcefully by the arms to keep her from blocking the line.

That same guard kept her from moving. That same guard took her kicks and her punches as she fought to get away. That same guard was deafened by her screams; she shouted as hard as she could, trying to make them understand. But they didn’t believe her, they thought she was just afraid, that she was just defending the Commander because she was afraid for her life. They just didn’t believe her.

And so, the same guard held her, keeping her body from falling to the ground as Raven saw the Commander struggle to keep her eyes open.

“Hey, no! Lexa! Listen to me! Wake up! Don’t close your eyes! Please, Stay awake!” Raven continued to scream; her arms numb with how hard the guard was holding her to keep her from moving. “Abby will fix you! Just hold on! I’ll get you help! Just stay awake! Please… Please…” Raven’s screams faded, replaced by broken sobs, her voice lost to the sight of the Commander’s limp head, tilted down over her chest, unmoving.

She was gone, Raven knew she was gone, there was too much blood on the ground for her not to be, but they still wouldn’t stop. The line of people waiting for their turn to cut her was still there, it was endless, it went as far as Raven’s eyes could see.

“Titus, please, just leave her alone, just leave her alone,” Raven begged, limp in the arms of the guard, her eyes and her throat raw from crying and screaming so much.

“There are still 307 cuts left, I must say she held on for longer than most people, but still, this will only be over after the thousand cut.”

For what felt like hours Raven stood there, most of her weight carried by the guard, as each one of the citizens of Polis went up to their Heda, the person that had devoted her life to protect them, and sliced her skin open with their blades. The process seemed endless, infinite, but at last the final cut came and Lexa was cut down from the tree. 

Raven wanted to go to her, take what was left of her body away, clean her up, treat her with the gentleness she deserved, but before she could move, Titus’ voice made her blood freeze.

“We have come to the end,” he said, as the Commander’s limp body was carelessly tossed around. Some of the guards then picked her up, pulling her shoulders back so her head would be left hanging down. “Raven of the Sky People, because of the crimes committed against you I offer you the chance to proceed with the beheading,” Titus said, taking a sword offered to him by one of the guards at his side and taking a step towards Raven.

“What? No, please, she’s- she’s gone, just leave her, please!” She begged once more, falling to her knees.

“Do not worry, after this, you will be rid of your fear,” Titus said, bringing the sword up and then down with a powerful swing. Black blood sprayed Raven’s face, her cheeks and her lips completely stained. A muffled thump followed and moments later the Commander’s head rolled on the floor, hitting Raven’s knees.

“See? She won’t hurt you anymore,” Titus said, just before Raven’s sight went black.

………………..

She lurched on her bed for the fifth time in as many days, a scream stuck on the back of her throat as she sobbed violently, her chest heaving as she fought to get some air inside her lungs.

It isn’t real, it isn’t real, it isn’t real, Raven chanted in her head, feeling as her shirt stuck to her back with sweat, she pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes, trying to calm her racing heart.

It couldn’t be real, it was just a dream, yes, yes, just a dream, she had gotten a letter from the Commander just that same morning, there was no way she was dead, there was no way…

Raven reached for the letter, she read over the Commander’s words, her eyes tracing over her pretty handwriting as her racing heart slowly started to calm. She then reached for the drawing the Commander had sent her, smiling to herself as soon as she unfolded the thick parchment.

A young boy was sitting on an asteroid, a fox by his side, his fluffy tail curling around the boy’s back.

She was okay, she just had to be.

……………………

_Raven of the Sky People,_

_The warmth of summer will soon leave us, that’s why, with this letter, I also sent you a couple of items of clothing that I feel will be of good use to you as we enter the Fall. I know that you will feel no cold inside your camp, but I would like to think you would sometimes go out to get some fresh air and sunlight. I know you are not a plant; I just believe it would do you well to get some air from time to time. Let me know if the clothes do not fit and I will be sure to send you another package._

_I have also been doing some research about airplanes, I’ve been most curious about them since we read the Little Prince, and I was surprised to see how many different models there are. I couldn’t stop myself from trying to build a small model of a plane with wood, I know you enjoyed the bracelet I made for you, so I thought maybe you would like the plane as well. I sent it to you with the clothes, and even if I do hope you like it, I would understand if you didn’t, I will try to get better at making them, I promise._

_Tell me, how are you? I hope you are doing well, is there something you are working on? I know you have been having some troubles with the gate and that that has been keeping you busy, do you need help with that? I know my people don’t know about that sort of thing, but they are good at following orders, I am sure they would be of good use to you as they would surely follow well your instructions. Let me know if you need them and I will send them to you as fast as I can._

_Let me know how Koa is doing, I was pleased to hear he is finally relearning how to walk, how is that going? I am sure the brace you built for him is being of great help._

_Wish you well,_

_Commander Lexa kom Trikru_

Raven had never reached to open a box so fast, and right there, in the middle of all the clothing, was a wooden airplane. Raven had no idea about what model it was, but she knew it was an old one and probably used by the military in the Old World. It was so pretty and so carefully done, so much so that the wheels worked, so Raven could make it roll around her desk. She couldn’t see how the Commander could make it any prettier and Raven loved it so much.

The propeller worked, too, and that’s how Octavia found Raven, sitting at her desk, making the propeller spin with her finger, dark shadows under her eyes.

“Hey, Rae,” Octavia said, trying to not startle her friend, the lack of sleep had started to affect her, making Raven jumpy and easily startled.

“O, look at this, isn’t it the coolest thing you have ever seen?” Raven said with a smile on her face, picking up the airplane carefully and offering it to her friend.

“Yeah, it’s pretty cool,” Octavia said, eyeing the plane carefully before giving it back. “The Commander sent it to you?”

“Yeah, she made it herself, she is talented, don’t you think?”

“Yeah,” Octavia said as she moved further inside and leaned against the wall. “Sinclair said you haven’t been to work today, you okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” Raven said distractedly, her eyes still on the airplane.

“Rae,” Octavia said, her tone alone being enough for the other omega to look up at her.

“I’m just tired, O, I didn’t feel like going anywhere today.”

“You have been having the same nightmare for two weeks now, maybe it’s time you do something about it, you are going to make yourself sick otherwise.”

“Do something like what? I already take enough meds to keep my pain down, I don’t want to take pills to be able to sleep properly, too,” Raven said with frustration, placing her plane on the desk, making sure she could easily see it at all times.

“Have you spoken to the Commander about the dreams?”

“No, if I did, she would know that Lana gave me the letters she had been explicitly told not to send, I don’t want to cause her any trouble. Besides, what difference would it make? It probably just worry her, and she is busy making sure no idiot starts a war, I don’t want to bother her,” Raven said, as she started looking through her new clothes, they faintly smelled like the Commander, and she was quick to pull them close to her chest. The Commander had to be okay, she had to, if she wasn’t her scent wouldn’t be so strongly latched on the fabric of Raven’s new clothes. Thinking that made Raven’s heart beat a little easier.

“Why don’t you go visit her? Maybe seeing that she’s okay will make the dreams go away.”

“She is the Commander, O, she is always busy, I don’t want to go there and cause her trouble, not when Titus was so ready to let her die when she got sick. I don’t want to cause her problems.”

Octavia sighed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to change Raven’s mind.

“Please, consider seeing Abby then, you need to get some sleep.”

“Yeah, sure,” Raven responded half-heartedly, barely paying any attention as she glanced back at her plane, her eyes sore and tired.

……………………….

That day Octavia intercepted the guard that would take Raven’s response back to the Commander.

“Hey, can you give this to the Commander for me?” Octavia asked, and the guard looked back at her with a blank expression.

“No, I have orders to only receive letters from Raven kom Skaikru, and she has already given me her letter for Heda.”

“I know, I know, this is just something she forgot to say. Her leg was bothering her so she asked me to give you this, it is still a letter from her to Heda,” Octavia lied easily, praying that the guard would believe her and that she wouldn’t want to go back to check with Raven herself.

“Your word better be true, Octavia kom Skaikru,” the guard said, taking the letter from the omega’s hand before leaving.

…………………..

Two days later the letters were reaching Polis. The Commander was standing over the maps of the land, trying to work out a few new trade routes with her advisors when the guard arrived, carrying two envelopes.

“You are all dismissed,” the Commander said, wishing to be alone as soon as possible so she could read Raven’s letter in peace.

Everyone filtered out of the room, leaving the Commander alone with her guard.

“Two envelopes,” the Commander noticed at once, “why?”

“Raven kom Skaikru forgot something she needed to say and wrote it on a different letter, her friend Octavia gave it to me just before I left,” the guard said and the Commander nodded.

“You may wait outside for my response,” the alpha said, receiving a nod and a small bow from the guard before she walked outside.

The Commander sat on the nearest chair and opened one of the letters, frowning slightly when she saw a handwriting that she had never seen before.

_Commander Lexa,_

_This is Octavia, Raven has been having nightmares about you since the moment you left, by the time you receive this letter, she will have spent almost two weeks and a half barely sleeping. She has refused to see Abby about it and she hasn’t been listening when I told her she should tell you about it. I’m afraid she will make herself sick or get herself hurt, her work requires a lot of concentration and focus, and how could she do any of that when she spends most of the day trying to not fall asleep._

_I think seeing you might help, but she doesn’t want to make things complicated by going to Polis. I know you can’t just come here for no reason, much less after the time you spent here when you were sick, but maybe find a way to get her to go to Polis or something._

_Find a way to help her, and do it fast, I don’t like seeing her like this._

_-Octavia_

The Commander frowned at the letter in her hands, concern quickly filling her veins as she stood up and walked out towards Marcus’ quarters. Knowing she was the source of Raven’s unrest didn’t sit well with her, she had to do something to help her friend.

She reached her destination and walked in without knocking, finding Marcus quietly conversing with the Shallow Valley Ambassador.

“Commander,” they both said at once, rising from their seats and offering her a court bow.

“I wish to speak with Marcus in private,” the Commander said, not needing to say much else to get the other ambassador to leave.

“What is it, Commander?”

“You have a communication device here, yes? A radio?”

“Yes, I use it to keep in touch with Abby and the rest of the council.”

“Good, I need you to speak to Doctor Griffin and tell her that I need Raven to come to the Capital within the day, I am sure your vehicles can accomplish such feat,” the Commander said, not missing Marcus’ confused frown.

“Of course, I will speak to Abby right away, may I know why you wish Raven to come here in such short notice? Is there something wrong?”

“Fear not, there is no issue, I just need someone with Raven’s knowledge here, that is all.”

“Okay, I will get in touch with Abby right away.”

…………………. 

“Raven?” Abby said as she made her way inside the omega’s workplace. The omega was asleep at her desk, her head resting on both her arms. Abby sighed, she knew about the nightmares and she had offered to help, but Raven hadn’t taken the medication she had to offer.

“Raven,” Abby said again, placing a hand on the Mechanic’s back. The omega straightened up at once, blinking quickly and trying to convince Abby that she had been awake all along.

“I’m up, I’m up,” Raven said, rubbing at her eye with the back of her fist.

“Marcus reached out; the Commander wants you in the Capital within the day.”

Raven eyes widened, she continued to blink quickly, trying to rid her mind of the fog that was currently covering it.

“What? Why?”

“She didn’t say, she just demanded your presence at the Capital. I understand if you are too tired to go-”

“No, no, I’m fine, I can go,” Raven rushed to say, “I want to go anyway, I want to see if she is recovering well.”

“I have updated you on her recovery every day Raven, the same reports Jackson has given me I have given to you,” Abby said, a knowing look in her eye as she looked back at the omega.

“I know, but hearing it is not the same as seeing it with my own eyes. It’s still early, can I pack quickly and go?”

“You can take your time, Raven, she wants you there within the day, but that doesn’t mean you have to rush-”

“It’s fine, Abby, it’s fine, just make sure the rover is ready, I just need 15 minutes to pack,” Raven said, not even waiting for Abby to respond before she left towards her room.

………………………….

It was very late when she finally made it to Polis, the streets were empty, the people having retreated to their homes long ago. Raven didn’t expect to see the Commander right away, she hoped for her to be sleeping and so she took a deep breath and tried to relax, she would see the Commander tomorrow.

She was about to walk past the Commander’s quarters and towards the room she usually used when a guard made her stop in her tracks.

“Heda is waiting for you, we have orders to bring you to her right away.”

“Okay,” Raven said, trying to contain her smile as she moved towards the Commander’s room. The guards were sure to announce her first and in moments the doors were opening and closing behind her, leaving her standing in the Commander’s room, facing the alpha.

“Hey,” Raven said with a small smile, her tired eyes meeting vibrant green ones.

“Hello, Raven,” the Commander said, moving quickly to relieve the omega of the weight of her bag. “Please, sit down, I know the trip here must have been tiring for you.”

“It was fine, I was just surprised, you usually don’t summon me here so urgently, what’s going on?” Raven asked as she sat on the Commander’s bed, regarding the room, it was quite different from how it usually looked, there were fewer candles to lit up the room and the bed seemed to be covered by a new variety of furs and pillows. There was also a pottery burner, allowing for the soothing smell of some kind of herb to flood the room.

“It has been brought to my attention that you have been having trouble sleeping and that your dreams are related to me,” the Commander began, tilting her head down to better catch Raven’s gaze. “Keeping in mind the things I have done to you in the past I can understand why you are having such troubling dreams, which is why I summoned you here, I wish to try and help you sleep better. I have a warm bath prepared for you, I have a very effective tea ready for you to drink before bed, I got different types of furs and pillows so you might choose those that will make sleeping most comfortable to you, I also got you some oils that work well to calm the mind and relax the body, and I had Lana find the most comfortable sleeping gowns our markets have to offer. I would have liked to get them done for you, but with so little time I had to settle with getting the ones that were up for trade at the markets. I also spent the afternoon making you this,” the Commander said, grabbing a weird-looking object from her night table and offering it to Raven. It was some kind of hoop, with a net or web woven at its center, there were also a few feathers hanging from it. “I read a few books trying to find things that would help and stumbled upon this object, a dreamcatcher, it is said that this object will act as a filter for your dreams, the nightmares will get caught in the web, and only the good dreams and thoughts will be able to pass through-”

“Hey, wait, hey,” Raven said, stopping the Commander before she could continue speaking, she didn’t think she had ever heard the Commander talking so much in just one sitting, and she couldn’t help the rush of warmth in her chest at the Commander’s gesture, at all the effort she had put in finding different things that would help her sleep. “Thank you, for all of this, I appreciate it, but you need to know that my dreams have nothing to do with the things you have done to me in the past.”

“No?” the Commander said, confused, “but Octavia mentioned that your nightmares were about me, I thought you were relieving the pain I have put you through.”

“No, no,” Raven said at once, feeling like she needed to punch Octavia in the face, “I have had nightmares about you, but they aren’t about that, it’s something else,” Raven said, feeling a little sick to her stomach just by thinking about it.

“Something else,” the Commander said, a tiny frown forming in the middle of her brows, it was the little frown Raven loved so much and the omega had to fight the urge to smooth it out with her fingers. “Have I unknowingly hurt you?”

“No, it’s nothing like that,” Raven said with a sigh, knowing that she would have to explain the nightmares to Lexa so she would stop thinking she had somehow provoked them. “In my nightmares, you are always being executed, I try to tell everyone that you didn’t hurt me, that I chose freely to be with you and that it wasn’t something I did out of fear, but no one ever believes me. It doesn’t matter how much I fight and scream, it doesn’t matter how hard I try, they always kill you right in front of me.”

“Oh,” the Commander said, not saying much else for a little while, her face was colored with surprise and confusion, her brain having a little trouble understanding the meaning behind Raven’s words. “I did not believe my death would be so troubling for you,” she said and Raven felt her heart squeeze in her chest. She knew why the Commander thought that way, because she had been raised as a vessel, a replaceable one, and because the moment she died someone else would be there ready to take her place.

“Of course, it is troubling for me, you are my friend, remember?” Raven said, bumping her shoulder against the Commander’s. “I care about you, I don’t want to see you hurt.”

“I’m sorry, Raven, I can’t promise you I will be okay. Thank you for caring, that is very meaningful to me,” the Commander said, looking back at the omega with concerned green eyes.

“Don’t apologize for that, I know it is not something you can control, just try your best to be safe, okay?” Raven asked, and the Commander tilted her head down in a nod.

“You must not worry, I made sure your people would be safe in the event of my passing,” the alpha said, and Raven let out a long sigh.

“It’s not about that, really, it’s just about you, I want you to be safe. That is all,” Raven said slowly, keeping her tone gentle, willing the Commander to understand.

“Just about me…” the Commander said, trying the words in her mouth, they felt foreign in her tongue as if she had never used them before. “I am very honored to have you care for me, though I would prefer if you stopped so that your nightmares would go away, I don’t want you to be in any pain.”

“Yeah,” Raven said with a small smile, “that’s not how it works, getting hurt is always a risk when you allow yourself to care about someone, it’s like what the fox said to the little prince, remember?”

“One runs the risk of weeping a little if one lets himself be tamed,” the Commander whispered, receiving a nod in response from Raven. “I don’t want you to weep for me, ever.”

“I already decided to take that risk,” Raven said strongly, watching the Commander’s eyes widen in response. “And I know you have already made your choice as well.”

“It doesn’t feel like a choice,” the Commander said, and Raven frowned slightly.

“What do you mean?”

“I am not sure I would be able to choose not to care for you, Raven. After knowing you… how could I not care about you?” the alpha whispered, tilting her head down so her eyes could better look into Raven’s.

“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, the warmth in her chest spreading, dripping down to her stomach and settling there.

“I don’t wish to make you uncomfortable.”

“You didn’t, but you did make me want to kiss you,” Raven whispered, leaning forwards, her nose brushing against the alpha’s.

“May I?” the Commander asked, not daring to move a single muscle until she was sure Raven would be okay with her getting so close.

Raven didn’t give her a verbal answer, she just closed the remaining gap between them, fitting her mouth to the Commander’s lips.

The alpha was tense at first, her arms stiff at her sides, not daring to move them, to touch Raven in any way that would be inappropriate. Raven didn’t miss it; she cupped the Commander’s jaw and massage it with the pads of her thumbs.

“Touch me, please,” she mumbled against the alpha’s lips, desperate for her touch, for the feeling of her strong arms against her skin.

Lexa pulled back, separating them so she could look deeply into Raven’s eyes.

“Are you sure?” Lexa asked intently, not moving her eyes away from the omega’s, trying to find even a trace of doubt in her face.

“Yes, I am sure,” Raven said, hating Clarke just a little bit more, she knew exactly where Lexa’s hesitation came from.

“You can tell me to stop anytime, okay? Even at the last possible second, you can tell me stop and I will stop,” Lexa said, giving Raven unnecessary assurances, “I won’t be angry, I won’t hurt you or do anything against you.”

“I know,” Raven said, cupping the Commander’s cheeks with her hands, “I won’t want you to stop, I never want you to stop,” Raven said, swallowing the Commander’s next words with her tongue.

Even with Raven’s reassurances, their dynamic didn’t quite go back to being how it was before. The Commander didn’t lift her and throw her against the pillows, she didn’t suck bruises over her neck, or ripped off her underwear. No, instead she was careful and controlled, hesitant, her hands hardly moving below her waistline, or above her abdominal area. Every kiss and every touch felt like a question, and her whole body was tense and stiff to the point of pain as if she was ready to jump off of Raven at any given moment.

For the first time since they had started sleeping together, Raven had to undress herself, and she had to move the Commander’s hands where she wanted them to be even if she knew that the Commander was very aware of what she liked.

“Please, Lexa,” Raven begged, she was completely bare in the Commander’s furs, her legs spread open in a clear invitation that the Commander was hesitant to take. She was still fully clothed, having only taken her boots off. “Make me come.”

“Are you sure?” she asked once more, her eyes concerned as she placed a hand on Raven’s thigh.

“Yes, fuck, yes... please, just fuck me,”

“Is it okay if I use my mouth?” the Commander asked, placing chaste kisses down the column of Raven’s neck.

Raven let out a low moan at the question, the mere thought of having the Commander’s lips around her clit was enough to make a gush of wetness drip between her legs.

“Yes, yes, I love your mouth, just do it, please,” Raven said, the hairs in the back of her arms standing on end as she watched the Commander move lower and lower, her hands massaging her thighs for a moment before she lowered her face to the Mechanic’s cunt.

“Fuck!” Raven cried out, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as the Commander’s lips closed around her clit, kissing it with passion. The small bud was hard as a rock, enjoying the constant feeling of the Commander’s tongue flicking against it, drawing tight circles over and over again, until Raven was writhing over the furs, her hands pulling at the fabric as she forced her hips not to buck against the alpha’s mouth.

For a moment the Commander moved even lower, her tongue tracing the omega’s entrance, before she allowed herself to push inside, the enticing taste of the omega flooding her mouth as she continued to push her tongue in and out. Raven let out a low groan, one of her hands holding onto the back of the Commander’s head, keeping her from moving away. She could feel her clit pulsing to the beat of her heart as the Commander continued her ministrations, the warmth that developed low in her belly only continued to develop, getting hotter and hotter with every caress of the Commander’s tongue against her center.

Raven knew the end would come when the Commander moved a few inches higher, her mouth enveloping her clit once more, sucking it into her mouth and strongly pressing against it with the tip of her tongue. Each stroke came faster, harder than the one before, the Commander barely having any time to take a proper breath when she sucked on the omega’s clit once more, she sucked hard, not letting go, feeling Raven’s legs tighten around her head as the omega shouted her pleasure up to the ceiling. Her toes curled and her back arched up from the bed, eyes screwed shut as she felt heat rush up her body, electricity shooting down her legs, leaving her shaking under the Commander’s body.

The alpha stayed right where she was, lapping gently at the omega’s center, helping her ride the aftershocks of her orgasm until she was too sensitive to have the Commander’s mouth against her. 

As soon as Raven pushed half-heartedly at her shoulder the Commander moved away, placing soft kisses to Raven’s abdomen as she moved up and towards her heaving chest. Lexa was gentle to place a kiss to the omega’s racing heart, pulling back and giving her some space to breathe.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked, her eyes moving all over the omega’s face, trying to find any signs of discomfort.

“Yes, I’m more than okay, I’d be better if you were naked, though.”

“I don’t have to do that, I’m okay like this. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Lexa,” Raven said with a sigh, “I know it’s very hard for you to do this after everything that happened, but you must see how much I want you, can’t you see how much I want to be with you like this?”

“I’m sorry. Before everything, I thought you wanted this, I thought you enjoyed it, and then she made me believe all of it was a lie. After that, I spent so much time feeling nothing but disgust when I looked at myself in the mirror, when I thought about what I had done to you with my own hands… And now, I can’t do this without those thoughts in the back of my head. And I heard you when you said you had never felt forced to do this with me, I heard you... but it is difficult to come to terms with it,” the Commander said, looking down at Raven with an apology in her eyes.

“Please, trust me, and trust yourself,” Raven said as she gripped the hem of the Commander’s shirt, pulling it up and over the alpha’s head. “I enjoy doing this with you, I love your body, I love feeling it against mine and I love having you inside of me. Look me in the eye, do you think I’m lying?” Raven asked as she swiftly untied the Commander’s bindings. “Can’t you see how much I want you?” the omega asked, her voice low and husky as she took the Commander’s hand in her own, pushing it down until it was cupping her center. “I want you so much it’s honestly starting to hurt.”

“Will you tell me if I’m doing something wrong? Will you tell me to stop if I am hurting you?”

“I will, but we both know you already know what I like. I trust you with my body, Lexa, I do, and I would want you to fuck me right now.”

The Commander stood from the bed, taking off her pants and her undershorts in one swift motion before crawling on top of Raven once more.

“You are sure?” the alpha asked once more as she positioned herself between Raven’s legs. The omega’s mouth watered at the sight alone, the Commander was right there, completely bare, small beads of sweat dripping between her breasts and rolling down her hard abs, they contracted over and over again with the rhythm of her breathing.

“Yes,” Raven said, gasping when the Commander grabbed her by the hips and pulled her closer to herself. The alpha took hold of Raven’s legs, kneeling between them and lifting Raven’s calves until they were both resting on her shoulders. “Yes, yes, yes,” Raven said, her heart jumping in excitement when the Commander leaned forwards, leaning her hands against the furs, she knew that when she pushed in it would feel deeper than ever before.

And she was not wrong.

The Commander pressed the tip of her shaft against Raven’s entrance, feeling the thickness of her cock being consumed by the hot walls of the omega’s channel.

“Fuckin hell!” Raven gasped, her eyes rolling to the back of her head as she felt the base of Commander’s cock press against her center, the head of her cock buried as deep as it could go.

Soon enough she started to move, slow at first, rolling her hips against Raven’s, torturing her slowly as her cock pressed against the omega, waiting until she accommodated to the intrusion of her shaft. Then she started thrusting, she pulled her cock almost all the way out before slamming back in, making Raven’s whole body shake with the strength of the impact. Lexa knew well that Raven didn’t like it soft, she didn’t like it slow or gentle, she liked it as intense and as hard as Lexa could make it, and the alpha would be damned if she didn’t give Raven her best.

Soon the constant slap of the wooden bed frame against the wall was muffled by Raven’s cries of pleasure. Fire was burning hot in her gut, her breathing short and shallow as she felt her walls start to squeeze and flutter around the Commander’s cock.

“Lexa, please, fuck!” Raven cried out, throwing her head back at a particularly powerful thrust, she could feel the climax building, each thrust adding to it, making the wave of pleasure higher and bigger, Raven knew that when it finally crashed against her, it would pull her under, drowning her, swallowing her whole.

The alpha looked down, looking into Raven’s dilated pupils, blown with lust, begging for release. She knew she couldn’t deny, she knew she would do anything in her power to give the omega what she needed, so she tightened her jaw and held onto the omega’s behind, her fingers pressing hard against her skin as she tilted Raven’s pelvis upward, lifting her from the bed and making her thrusts impossibly deeper. In seconds Raven’s body tensed, her eyes widening at the change of the angle, something inside of her snapped violently and her body was overtaken by tremors, her eyesight spotting with white.

She shuddered in the Commander’s arms, letting out a low moan as her walls clamped hard around the alpha’s shaft, triggering the alpha’s orgasm and forcing her to spill her seed inside the omega’s channel, prolonging Raven’s climax, making it even stronger than before. Raven fell limply against the furs, her head lolling to the side as her eyes rolled to the back of her head, her chest heaving up and down as the Commander pressed lazy kisses against her collarbones.

“Are you okay?” the alpha whispered, her lips traveling up the omega’s neck and settling by her ear. “Did I hurt you?” She asked, placing a soft kiss under the omega’s ear, and lowering her legs back towards the furs.

“No, you didn’t hurt me,” Raven said, bringing Lexa down for a kiss and swallowing all her concerns with a lazy kiss, “I’m perfect,” Raven whispered, holding the back of the Commander’s neck to keep her close, her fingers burying in soft hair.

“That’s good,” the Commander mumbled, her arms feeling more than a little tired, and her head feeling extremely heavy. She let herself fall on her side beside Raven, trying to free her arms from holding up her weight.

“You okay?” Raven asked, cupping the Commander’s jaw with concern, she looked a little pale and shaky, and she was never that tired after the first round. But she was still recovering, wasn’t she? Abby had said she would be feeling exhausted and worn for quite some time, why didn’t she think of that? “Shit, I’m sorry, maybe you are not recovered enough to do this yet.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” the Commander said, turning her face so she could drop a kiss to Raven’s palm. “I just need a moment.”

“Maybe it would be a good idea to take that bath that you mentioned before and go to bed, we both need to rest,” Raven said and the Commander nodded at once, picking Raven up in her arms before the omega could get up from the bed. “Hey, hey, you need to rest as well, I’m sure carrying me is not helping,” Raven said, feeling the Commander’s arms shake under her weight.

“The bathroom is not too far, the water was boiling when the tub was filled, hopefully by now the temperature will be more bearable but not cold,” the Commander said as she stepped into her bathroom.

The strong smell of something herbal was quick to meet Raven’s nostrils. She breathed in deep and closed her eyes, it was heavenly.

“That smells nice,” Raven said, as the Commander gently lowered her to the bathtub.

“The bath was prepared with lavender and other plants with similar calming properties, I hoped they would help you sleep better,” the alpha said as she kneeled by the tub. “Should I bring more hot water?”

“No, it’s perfect just like this, thank you,” Raven said, looking back at the alpha with a small smile, “won’t you get in?”

“No, the bath is for you, I’ll clean up once you are in bed resting.”

“Don’t be silly, just get in, there’s no reason for you not to.”

“Don’t you want some space for yourself? I can give you some privacy,” the alpha offered and Raven shook her head, glancing at the naked woman kneeling by her side.

“I would rather lay back against those gorgeous abs of yours, if that’s okay with you,” Raven said, smiling wide at the pink flush that tinted the Commander’s small ears.

“Oh, yes, that’s okay,” Lexa said, standing up and getting into the tub, sitting down with Raven between her legs. The omega was quick to lay back, resting against the Commander’s chest. “I hope you sleep well tonight.”

“If those orgasms you just gave me don’t chase away my nightmares, nothing will,” Raven said with a chuckle, tilting her head back so she could look up at Lexa. The alpha looked back at her with a small smile.

“The sex, the tea, the bath… I don’t know what will help and what won't, I just want you to have a good night, why didn’t you mention these nightmares on your letters, I would have tried to help sooner.”

“They started as soon as you left and you had just told me how your recoveries usually go when you are here. I didn’t want to add anything else to the things you already have to deal with regularly,” Raven said honestly, looking away from Lexa for a moment.

“It wouldn’t have been a bother, we are responsible for the things we tame, yes?” the Commander said, nudging Raven’s cheek with the tip of her nose, prompting the omega to look at her.

“Yes,” Raven said with a smile, her tired brown eyes meeting light green ones. “Yes, we are.”

“Okay, then I hope for you to tell me when something is going on with you so that I can offer you my assistance.”

“Okay, I will keep that in mind,” Raven said, staying quiet for a moment before a thought crossed her mind. “I think we got one good thing out of all this mess.”

“Of course, Raven, your friendship is precious to me,” Lexa said easily, the words rolling off of her tongue with no hesitation. Raven turned her head to look at her, a small smile on her lips.

“You can’t say things like that, you are making me want to kiss you again,” Raven said, leaning in to press a soft kiss to the alpha’s lips.

“Was that not what you were referring to?” Lexa asked, her arms hesitantly moving to wrap around the omega’s waist.

“Well, our friendship definitely is one good thing that came out of this mess, but I was referring to the fact that we will have to have a lot of sex until you are completely sure about how much I enjoy myself with you. There is no other choice, we must have sex, what else can we do?” Raven said, looking back at the Commander with playful eyes.

“Oh, of course,” Lexa said, a very serious expression on her face as she tried to follow Raven’s lead, “I thoroughly apologize, I know how hard that must be for you.”

“Yes, for sure, all those orgasms you will give me, life is so hard!” Raven said, leaning her head back against Lexa’s shoulder and throwing her arm over her eyes in a very dramatic gesture that made the Commander let out a small laugh. “Seriously though,” Raven said then, “I don’t want you to feel this hesitant and unsure every time we are together, because I don’t plan to stop having sex with you. And I know everything that happened was pretty hard for you, I don’t expect you to be okay so fast, but like, if there is anything I can do to help and make you feel how much I enjoy what we do, you need to tell me, okay?”

“Yes, I’m sorry if I ask you the same things over and over again, I just need to be sure, and I need you to tell me if anything is feeling wrong for you,” the Commander said and Raven nodded.

“I get it, if asking me over and over again if I am okay, or if I am sure helps you, then please, ask as many times as you need to. My answer is always going to be the same, I am always ready to have sex with you, you are that attractive,” Raven said easily, smiling to herself when she saw the alpha blush, her eyes moving away from Raven’s in a shy gesture. “Come on, you must know you are attractive.”

“It is not something I often think of, but I do think about how beautiful you are,” the Commander said, all trace of shyness gone as she looked directly into Raven’s eyes. “Your eyes, they turn gold when the light of the sun hits them just right, did you know that?”

“No, not really,” Raven said, feeling her cheeks burn and thanking the gods for her complexion, whatever blush she sported wouldn’t be too noticeable.

“They look like fire, like dancing flames, I’m trying to decide if they are my favorite thing about you,” Lexa said, and Raven bit her lip, trying to decide if she should make a teasing comment to chase away the funny feeling in her stomach.

“Why can’t you decide? Is my ass too distracting?” Raven said, trying to break the moment they were having, she couldn’t take it, the warmth in her chest was spreading too quickly and she didn’t know what to do.

“No, I do find it gorgeous, I do, but your smile is the only real competition your eyes have. Your smile is beautiful, I feel like the sun is rising every time you do it, and I feel lucky and honored every time it is directed at me... Like now,” the Commander whispered, cupping Raven’s cheek and brushing her thumb over the corner of her lips. 

“You really, really, _can’t_ say things like that,” Raven said, closing her eyes and letting her lips meet Lexa’s. The position was a little awkward, as they weren’t facing each other, Raven’s back was facing the Commander’s chest and so she had to twist her neck sideways to be able to kiss her.

And once she started kissing her… how could she ever stop?

Lexa’s scent was thick in her nose, her taste heavenly on the tip of Raven’s tongue, her hands gentle as they caressed her abdomen. How could she ever stop?

She held onto the Commander’s hands and brought them up to her breasts, until the alpha was holding one in each of her palms, kneading them and massaging them with her fingers, their kiss becoming more desperate with each brush of Lexa’s thumbs against her nipples.

Soon enough Raven was pushing one of those hands down and towards the place she needed it the most, the hand freezing right before it reached her center, their kiss breaking.

“Can I?” the Commander asked, her fingers splayed over Raven’s pelvic bone.

“Yes,” Raven said, cupping the back of Lexa’s neck and letting their lips meet again.

The kiss was broken by a loud moan, Raven’s breathing too erratic to be able to maintain the lock for more than a couple of seconds. Two of the Commander’s fingers were inside of her, and her thumb was insistently pressing against her clit. Raven could do nothing but throw her head back and feel the pleasure build in her gut as the Commander massaged her breast and sucked bruising kisses to the side of her neck. The water was warm around them and dripped over the edges of the tub with the sharp movements of the Commander’s wrist.

It just took a couple more seconds, a sharp pinch to the little bud atop her breast, a hard press against her clit, a stinging bite to the side of her neck, and in moments she was coming once more, her cries loud in Lexa’s ear.

By the time she came down from her high, the Commander was still pressing her lips gently to the side of her neck, running her tongue over the indentations her teeth had left over Raven’s skin. She was so good at that, Raven thought, at biting hard enough for it to feel fucking amazing, but also soft enough to not break the skin.

“How are you so good at this? You haven’t been with anyone in years,” Raven asked between gulps of air.

“I was trained as a Second before I was trained to become Heda, Raven, all a Second must know is how to follow instructions,” the Commander said, and Raven turned to look at her with a lazy smile on her face.

“It doesn’t bother you? To have me tell you what to do sometimes when we do this?”

“Not at all, I only have one goal when we do this, I only want one thing… Nothing feels better than watching you fall apart in my arms-”

“Stop, stop, stop, I feel too sensitive, I can’t handle one more, so stop saying things that make me want to kiss you,” Raven said and Lexa looked back at her with amusement.

“How will I know what will make you feel that way?” the Commander asked with an arched eyebrow.

“I have no idea,” Raven said, a big smile making its way to her lips, “I guess the only solution to all of this is to kiss a lot,” Raven rested her head back against Lexa’s shoulder, covering her mouth with a fake horrified expression. “What a tragedy!”

The Commander let out a short laugh, amused by Raven’s antics. She then got to her feet, getting out of the tub to see Raven looking back at her with a pout.

“You must rest, Raven,” the Commander said, drying herself quickly before offering her hand to the omega. Raven stood up, her grip tight around the alpha’s forearm, without her brace her leg would do next to nothing to hold her up.

“But we were having fun!”

“I know, and I can do my best to please you, but I must be honest and say that my body it’s not at its best right now,” the alpha said, looking away for a moment in shame.

“Hey, no, don’t be like that,” Raven said, cupping the Commander’s cheeks and tilting her head up so their eyes would meet again. “I know you are still recovering, I’m being a dick, my bad, really,” Raven said, letting her hand travel down the Commander’s body and rest over the raised scar that had been left after her appendix was removed. “How are you doing? Is Jackson doing a good job keeping an eye on you?”

“I’m doing as well as it can be expected, according to both Jackson and Doctor Griffin, I will keep feeling quite worn and exhausted for quite some time, it should go away eventually, but perhaps our recent activities are enough for me, for today at least.”

“Sure, sure, we both should get some sleep,” Raven said, accepting the Commander’s help to walk back towards the bedroom.

The alpha offered her a sleeping gown, Raven put it on and marveled at the softness of the fabric. She had never worn anything as soft, or as pretty as the gown that she put on in that moment.

“I’m sorry if it is a little loose,” the Commander said as she put on her undershorts and a shirt, “if I had had more time, I would have had them made to your exact measurements.”

“Are you kidding? this is perfect, I love it!”

“Yes?”

“Yes!” Raven said, rubbing her hands against the fabric. “You didn’t need to do any of this.”

“Yes, I did. Being comfortable is important to get a good night of rest. Please, lay down,” the alpha said, and Raven was quick to get into bed.

After that, came the process of choosing furs and pillows, the Commander had gotten a great variety of them so Raven would choose the ones she liked the most.

“Hey,” Raven said once she was resting back against the pillows and covered by soft blankets up to her neck, “Thank you, you didn’t have to do any of this.”

“I did, it would be wrong for you to wake up in the middle of the night because you are too hot, or too cold, or because your neck is hurting.”

“You have slept under worse conditions,” Raven said with arched eyebrows.

“And that has allowed me to learn how to sleep under any circumstances, that doesn’t need to be the case for you,” Lexa said, bringing Raven a steaming cup of tea. “Drink this, it will help,” Lexa said, making sure Raven had a good grip on the cup before grabbing the dreamcatcher and hanging it on the headboard right above Raven’s head. “I will be right over there if you need anything, okay?” Lexa said, pointing towards the nearest couch.

“What? You aren’t sleeping here with me?”

“No, my room is the most comfortable one in this tower, because it is mine, I can’t give it to you and sleep in the room that is usually yours, but no one will ask questions about you sleeping here as long as I am here as well. You can take my bed and I can take the couch,” the Commander said seriously, making the familiar feeling of fondness and endearment bubble up in Raven’s chest.

“Come on, don’t be ridiculous, your bed is enormous, there’s no reason for you not to sleep here with me.”

“I might move in my sleep, I might grab you without knowing, I wouldn’t want to do anything that would hurt you, or upset you,” Lexa said and Raven cursed Clarke in her head for the millionth time.

“We both know you barely breathe when you are sleeping, and we both know that I wouldn’t mind if you did touch me in your sleep, please, grab away,” Raven said with a smile, hoping for the serious expression on the Commander’s face to go away.

It didn’t quite work.

“Hey, really, I wouldn’t mind it if you grabbed me in your sleep, you would be unconscious, it’s not like you would be doing it on purpose and I know that. You can sleep with me, I promise I won’t be mad if you grab me,” Raven said, trying to be reassuring.

“You are sure?”

“Yeah, I am sure, I swear. Come, get into bed,” Raven said, waiting until the Commander had settled into bed before she finished her tea.

It didn’t matter how tired they were, how heavy their bodies felt, after a few minutes they noticed none of them would be able to fall asleep. Raven rolled onto her side, facing the alpha, her eyes settling on the thick scar that somehow had made its way to the place just above the Commander’s left collarbone, two or three inches to the right and whatever pierced the skin there would have punctured her neck instead.

“How did this happen?” Raven asked, reaching out to trace the scar with her fingertips.

“My advisors, they wanted me to spread my seed,” the Commander said, and Raven frowned, both because she knew that the Commander hadn’t slept with anyone since Costia, and because she didn’t know how having sex could relate to that scar.

“How does that relate to the scar?”

“My lack of intercourse with everyone that offered themselves to me was heavily frowned upon by my advisors and Titus,” Lexa said, her tone bitter.

“They wanted you to sleep around?” Raven said with her eyebrows arched, that had been a surprise, though she had already reached that conclusion from what the alpha had said moments before.

“Yes, they wanted me to spread my seed, to ensure that the Nightblood gene would be passed on and that everything that makes me who I am would be passed on as well. They would allow omegas and even some betas to present themselves to me. They would sometimes let them into my rooms in hopes that I would relent after seeing them bare in my furs,” Lexa said, her face twisted in disgust.

“You made them stop?” Raven asked, feeling quite disgusted herself. Lexa’s advisors had done those things knowing well that Lexa wouldn’t like it and that it would make her uncomfortable, that was wrong in so many ways.

“I tried, I told them I wasn’t pleased with it, but it is not like I can punish my advisors for placing an omega in my rooms. They stopped when one of those omegas tried to kill me,” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes widened.

“What?”

“The scar… I had already turned in for the night when she came in, I tried to be gentle, I take no pleasure on rejecting them and making them feel unworthy. She was particularly insistent, pushed me onto the bed and crawled on top of me, I didn’t want to use force because I knew I would hurt her and because I believed she was only doing what my advisors had told her to. Those situations always made me quite uncomfortable and with her being more forceful than the others I wasn’t sure how to respond. She saw that I was thrown off by her attitude...” Lexa said and Raven could only stare at her horrified.

The alpha in front of her was constantly harassed and abused, and all of it was prompted by her advisors, by the people who were supposed to look out for her. Raven felt like she was going to be sick.

“...I remember she had managed to force down one of my arms with her leg and that with the other I was still trying to keep her at arm’s length, everything happened quite fast but I still recognized the glint of a blade against the moonlight so I got to move slightly when she brought it down,” Lexa said reaching for Raven’s hand and pressing it to her left collarbone where the thick scar was. “She aimed for the neck, but when I moved it sank on the muscle on top my collarbone, thankfully it missed the bone, it was a painful injury and a deep one but it was harmless,” Lexa said as Raven felt the scar under her fingertips, she had seen it before, she just didn’t know where it had come from.

“Anyone with that kind of behavior would have been executed back in space,” Raven said, unable to stop herself from shifting into an expression of anger and disgust.

“Here too, but the omegas that got insistent with me got no punishments because their actions were supported by the advisors and because as Commander my body doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to my people and my people need the Nightblood gene to be passed on.”

“So, they stopped because you almost got killed, not because you were against the whole thing. They should have stopped as soon as they saw you were not okay with it,” Raven said, outraged.

“I did not intend to upset you,” Lexa said, seeing how angry Raven had gotten.

“You are not upsetting me, your advisors, whoever they are, are the ones upsetting me,” Raven said, “They are a bunch of assholes.”

“Things are how they are… Even if the injury was painful, I feel like the whole situation had a good outcome, she didn’t kill me and because the assassination attempts no other omega has been allowed into my rooms.”

“Wait a second,” Raven said, moving away from Lexa. “You are okay with what we are doing right?”

“Yes, Raven. If I hadn’t been comfortable with it, I would have stopped it,” Lexa said, smiling a little at Raven’s concern. 

“What made it different with me?” Raven asked, feeling more than a little curious.

“Many things. I knew you didn’t want to sleep with me for the glory of carrying Heda’s seed, I knew my advisors hadn’t pushed you to present yourself to me. And most of all, what you said before kissing me all those months ago” Lexa said. “You told me that I deserved to feel better too, you made it about me and it’s been years since anyone made anything about me.” 

“Wait, does this mean that I get some kind of prize for sleeping with you?” Raven asked teasingly, a smile playing at the corner of her lips. Lexa smiled back, wider than Raven had ever seen. “Because if that’s the case I won’t turn it back, I want my prize.”

“You’d probably get a prize if you carried my seed, and you have mentioned that’s not something you’d like,” Lexa said, her eyes showing amusement as she looked at Raven.

“I am so not getting pregnant, babies are too much work.”

“That’s not why I said it, but yes, babies are a lot of work,” Lexa said and Raven frowned.

“Why did you say it then?”

“You deserve happiness, a proper family, a partner that will be there for you and will be able to care for the child with you,” Lexa said and Raven frowned.

“Did you have a proper family?”

“No,” Lexa said.

“Well, neither did I and I think we turned out just fine,” Raven said, lying back against the pillows and closing her eyes.

“Are you saying you would be willing to carry my children?”

Raven almost choked with her own spit, her eyes widened and she started sputtering like a fish out of water. Lexa watched her for a few seconds before she started laughing, her eyes fell closed and a quiet laugh left her lips, her cheeks got a little red and Raven watched as she covered her mouth with one of her hands.

“That was not funny,” Raven said, but there was a smile on her lips.

“Yes, it was,” the Commander said, “do not worry, Raven, I’m sure the implant you have will keep you from having any unwanted pups. You should have seen Titus face when I mentioned this implant to him.”

“He hated it, didn’t he?” Raven asked with a smile on her face.

“Yes, when I started sharing intercourse with you, he was overjoyed, thought that I had finally relented and that I would be open to giving my seed to other omegas. He thought you would be the first to carry one of my pups, and then I mentioned the implant… I don’t think he has been anywhere near that angry since that day.”

“Damn, I wish I had been here to see his ugly face go red with anger. Has he been giving you any trouble? About us? About anything?”

“No, not about you, we had an argument about the way I left the capital when I was sick, I didn’t want to mention how you and Octavia took me out of the city, that could have gotten you both in trouble, so I told him I had decided to leave without telling him instead. It was an unpleasant argument, but I have it all under control,” Lexa said, trying to convince Raven that everything was okay.

“You should have told him we did it, I wanted to have some words with him about how he handled your condition. He was negligent, he knows about our superior medical expertise, he knew we could have helped from the beginning and still he refused to reach for help.”

“It’s not all on him, Raven, I didn’t want to ask you for help either, you know why,” Lexa said gently, not wanting to revisit that subject.

“Yeah, I know,” Raven whispered, “but that’s not going to happen again, right?”

“No, I promise that if anything happens to me, Doctor Griffin will be notified right away,” Lexa said, her eyes heavy as they looked back into Raven’s own.

“Good,” Raven said, covering her mouth to avoid yawning in the Commander’s face. “Maybe it’s time to get some sleep.”

“Yes, rest well, Raven. I will be right here if you need anything,” Lexa said, leaving enough space for another person to fit between them. Raven sighed a little to herself, deciding not to push the subject.

“I know,” Raven said, offering the alpha a smile before closing her eyes.

……………………………

The tea, the bath, the furs, the sex… none of it seemed to matter, for when Raven slipped into a deep sleep she was taken to the same awful scene. It was always the same, she would try to do her best, she would scream her throat raw and fight against the guards holding her until her arms were sore and bruised… but it always ended the same way. With Lexa dead, her severed head rolling over the floor and bumping against Raven’s knees.

She woke up, sobbing so hard she couldn’t breathe, gasping for air and coughing when it got stuck in her throat.

“Raven, please… I’m right here…” A voice filtered in, and there she was, the Commander of the 13 Clans, her eyes glassy and her brows furrowed with concern, one of her arms around Raven’s back while the other moved up so her hand could cup her cheek and try to catch the fast current of tears that fell from her eyes.

Raven was quick to throw herself at her, burying her face against the crook of her neck and letting her tears soak the Commander’s shirt.

“Please, don’t cry,” the Commander whispered, leaning her head against Raven’s, her arms curling up around the omega’s middle as she held her in a comforting embrace. “I’m really sorry, please, don’t cry.”

“Don’t say you are sorry, just don’t, please,” Raven said, knowing well those had been some of the words the Commander had managed to say in her dream.

She pressed herself even closer to the Commander’s body, with every breath she filled her lungs with the Commander’s scent, and somehow that made breathing a little bit easier.

“I really love- your hair- you know?” Raven managed to say between hiccups. Her hands moving up to caress the soft strands of the Commander’s wavy locks. “It’s so pretty,” Raven whispered, a knot building in her throat when the image of the Commander’s wounded scalp flashed behind her eyes. They had cut all her hair off, and it had fallen at her feet on the dirty ground.

“Please, Raven, what can I do to help you?” the alpha asked desperately, she nuzzled her nose against Raven’s temple, hoping for it to be a comforting gesture.

“Just be here, just breathe,” Raven whispered, letting one of her hands sneak under the Commander’s shirt and rest to the left of her chest. It was so warm, and Raven could easily feel the constant thump of her heart against her ribs.

The Commander then started to take a series of deep breaths, her chest expanded as her lungs were filled with air, pushing against Raven’s chest.

“Like this?” the Commander asked gently, hoping that the way she was breathing was helping Raven in some way.

“Yes, yes, that’s perfect,” Raven said, sniffing loudly as she turned her head, her face no longer facing Lexa’s shoulder, but her neck instead. Titus sword, it had cut through that neck with barely any effort, Raven shivered at the memory, her eyes watering as tears continued to spill down her cheeks. Lexa felt her shiver and tightened her hold, moving her hands up and down Raven’s back.

“It’s okay, we are both safe,” the Commander whispered, feeling as Raven pressed her lips against her neck. She knew it wasn’t a lustful gesture, it couldn’t be, no, it was something else.

“What if someone heard what Clarke said? What if someone tells Titus?”

“It would be nothing but a rumor, passed from mouth to mouth, something like that would not end in an execution. It would have no credibility.”

“Okay, okay, that’s good,” Raven whispered, closing her eyes for a second, her thumb tracing tiny circles above Lexa’s heart.

“Please, don’t cry, everything is okay,” Lexa whispered, not letting go of Raven as she laid back down on the bed, the omega safely tucked against her chest.

The alpha started humming to herself a few moments later, the sound just loud enough to reach Raven’s ears. It was so soothing and so soft, Raven’s achy eyes didn’t take long to fall closed at the sound, her hand never moving away from the alpha’s chest. It didn’t matter that she usually couldn’t go back to sleep after a nightmare, with the sound of Lexa’s voice beside her ear there was not much she could do to keep from falling asleep.

………………….

When Raven woke up again, she felt loose, rested, and surprised because her head was still resting on the Commander’s shoulder, which was weird, as the alpha usually got up before sunrise. Raven closed her eyes again, trying not to disturb the alpha, she didn’t even remove her hand from her chest, not when she knew that even the smallest things could wake her up.

“Go back to sleep, Raven, we are safe here,” the Commander whispered, startling the omega slightly.

“I haven’t moved, how did you know I was awake?” Raven asked, tilting her head up so she could look at the Commander, the alpha had her eyes closed, her head tilted in Raven’s direction and one of her arms curled protectively around her back.

“Your breathing changed when you started waking up. Go back to sleep, you need rest,” the Commander said again, using her free arm to grab the furs and pull them up until they covered Raven’s shoulders.

“What about you? Don’t you have things to take care of?” Raven asked, waiting for the moment where someone would come knocking at the door, asking for the Commander.

“You are the only thing I need to take care of today,” the Commander said, opening her eyes and locking her gaze with Raven’s, “unless you wish to be alone if that is the case I can go right away.”

“No, no, I want you to stay, I’m sure you could do with a bit of rest, too,” Raven said, looking back at the alpha with a smile. “Won’t you get in trouble?”

“No, I have taken care of things. We can stay here all day, or go for some air, we will do what you wish. And tonight, we will do everything we can so you sleep better.”

“I feel very well-rested, it’s usually very hard to go to bed after a nightmare, but that song you were humming helped, what song is it?” Raven asked, tugging the furs even higher so that they covered Lexa’s chest as well.

“I don’t know, it’s a habit I developed since I was a child, I spent a lot of time on my own… I got scared sometimes, so I would hum to myself to feel less lonely. Silence can be comforting, too, but when you are a child and you are alone in the dark, the silence just feels dangerous… In the dark I felt like my mind would play tricks on me, and I would start hearing all sorts of scary things, so I would hum to myself to avoid hearing other things,” Lexa whispered, her hand absentmindedly moving up and down Raven’s back. The omega looked up at her with a knot in her throat, feeling like she was going to cry. The Commander didn’t seem to notice and turned to look at Raven with a smile on her face. “Can I tell you a secret?” the alpha asked, keeping in mind what Abby had told her about how trust was important to build a good friendship.

“Of course,” Raven said, incorporating herself a little to give the Commander her undivided attention. “Tell me.”

“When I was a child my biggest fear was the Mountain Men, I thought they were big, ugly monsters and that they would come for me and take me in the middle of the night,” Lexa said with a smile on the corner of her lips. “In my head, they were half people, half-animal, and they had big yellow eyes that glowed in the dark.”

“It sounds terrifying,” Raven said with a smile, trying not to think about a child, alone in the dark in the middle of the forest. “Can I tell you what I was most afraid of when I was little?”

“Yes, as long as you want to,” the Commander said, her big green eyes looking back into Raven’s.

“Black holes,” Raven said, watching a cute little frown develop on the Commander’s face. “They are this points in space that are really dense, so they create gravity sinks, and anything that gets close to them will just get sucked in by them, stretched and compressed into nothing, it doesn’t matter what it is, a star, a planet, a spaceship, not even light can escape. Living in space, I thought a black hole would pull us in and we would die.”

“It does sound horrible, how do these black holes come to existence?”

“Well, the most common way a black hole forms is by stellar death, when a star is reaching the end of its life they go out in a massive explosion-”

“Forgive me, Raven,” the Commander said, not feeling too good about herself after interrupting. “You told me before that our sun is a star, and now you are saying that stars die, is our sun going to die?”

“Yes, it will, someday our sun will die, but you don’t have to worry, millions of years will pass before that happens,” Raven said, offering the Commander a smile and reaching out to smooth out the frown on the Commander’s face. “you could say our sun is really young compared to other stars.”

“Oh, okay, please continue, I won’t interrupt again.”

………………….

That day would never leave Raven’s mind. They hardly left the bed, they stayed there, Raven mostly talking, Lexa mostly listening, marveling at all the knowledge that Raven had to offer, about the birth and the death of the stars, about black holes and supernovas. 

They were hardly interrupted at all, only Lana coming inside a few times to bring them food and drinks.

Raven’s favorite part was probably when the Commander took out her charcoals and her journal, she sat back against the headboard of the bed with Raven between her legs, her journal balanced on the omega’s knees. Raven was very careful in how she described the solar system, being as specific as she could be so the Commander, with her arms around her waist to reach the journal, could draw everything as close to reality as possible.

By the end of it, the Commander’s hands and the top of Raven’s thighs had dark shadows on them, but they had a pretty amazing drawing of the solar system as a reward.

“Is this okay?” the Commander asked, her warm breath ghosting the side of Raven’s neck. The omega knew she wasn’t talking about the drawing.

“Perfect,” Raven said, turning her head up and to the side so she could look at the alpha. “If I didn’t want you so close, I would push you off, you know?”

“That’s good, I wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“I know you are smart, I’ve seen it, and I know what Clarke said messed up with your head big time, but you need to trust me and you need to trust your gut, do I seem uncomfortable right now?”

“No…” the alpha whispered and Raven nodded her head.

“Exactly, I’m not a good actress, Lexa, if this didn’t feel right for me you would know. And I’m all over you, I have been ever since we slept together for the first time, you are the hottest alpha I’ve ever seen and your scent is heavenly, and to top that off, when I thought you couldn’t possibly get any more attractive, it turns out that you have given me the most amazing orgasms ever, which I thoroughly appreciate,” Raven said, enjoying the sight of a blush climbing up the Commander’s cheeks. “And as if that wasn’t enough you are a great listener, and so damn sweet, too, you can barely say three sentences without saying something that will make me want to kiss you. I want to get to know you better and I want to be close to you without all the tension and all the worry I know you are feeling right now.”

“I will try harder, I give you my word,” Lexa said strongly, looking deeply into Raven’s eyes.

“Don’t, take your time, all of this is just going to get us closer. Who knows, maybe we wouldn’t be as close as we are now if those things hadn’t happened.” Raven said, leaning forward until she was nose to nose with the Commander, the slope of her nose brushing gently against the alpha’s. “I’ll just have to be all over you even more than before, until you are sure I really want this, sounds like torture, don’t you think?”

The Commander probably smiled, but Raven couldn’t see, they were just too close.

“Yes, it’s going to be excruciatingly difficult for me to have you this close for prolonged periods of time,” the Commander said, trying her best to follow Raven’s lead.

“Good thing you are so strong, I’m sure you will be able to handle it,” Raven said, nuzzling her nose against the alpha’s and closing her eyes.

“May the spirits have mercy on my soul,” the Commander said dramatically and Raven couldn’t help but let out a short laugh.

“Good to know you have a sense of humor,” Raven said as she pulled away.

“It would be hard not to when you are around, I feel... happy... just by looking at you,” Lexa said, hesitating just slightly, not because she didn’t know what she was feeling, but because it had been so long since she last felt anything similar that she was having some trouble naming it.

Raven felt a rush of something she couldn’t name, it went from the tip of her toes to the very ends of her hair, it was warm, intense, vibrant… And it made her dizzy with delight. She couldn’t stop the grin that spread across her face, and she couldn’t stop the funny feeling in her stomach when the Commander mirrored the gesture as if she couldn’t stop herself from smiling at Raven’s joy.

“It’s amazing to know I make you feel that way,” Raven said, leaning in to place a chaste kiss on the Commander’s cheek.

“Yes, I didn’t think I would ever be able to feel this light again, I am very grateful for it. And I hope to be able to make you feel something similar someday,” the Commander said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind Raven’s ear and leaving back a dark stain of charcoal in the process.

“You will, there’s no doubt in my mind,” Raven said, as she pulled away, leaving some space between them. “Why don’t we go for a walk? We both need a bit of sunlight.”

“It’s almost sundown, Raven,” the Commander said, standing up anyway.

“We better hurry, then,” Raven said, trying to put her clothes on as quickly as possible. 

“Here,” the Commander said, once they were ready to go, draping one of her thickest coats around Raven’s shoulders. “We are already a few weeks into Fall, out there is not going to be as warm as in here, much less during the night.”

“Can’t wait for winter, I haven’t seen snow, yet,” Raven said and the Commander nodded her head.

“I enjoy winter, it’s very quiet, people seem to calm during the winter and traveling gets harder so there are fewer fights, less conflict. I often find myself enjoying the cold, too. I will have to remember to send you some appropriate clothes for the winter, the ones I have sent you already won’t suffice, you will need gloves, scarves, hats as well, maybe even thicker socks.” 

“Will you build a snowman with me?” Raven asked as they made their way down the tower, a group of guards following them closely, but also giving them enough space to not feel suffocated by their presence.

“A snowman?”

“Yes, it is like a winter tradition from the Old World, families, kids, friends, they would use snow to make the figure of a person,” Raven said, and the Commander frowned slightly, seeming confused.

“Why would they do that?”

“For enjoyment,” Raven said with a smile, seeing in the Commander’s expression that the thought had never crossed her mind.

“Oh, of course, Raven, we can do that. It would mean that you would have to come here at some point during the coldest time of winter. I will visit Arkadia early in the winter, there will be no snow then.”

“That’s fine, I like it here. During the winter the nights are longer, too, isn’t that great?” Raven said a cheeky smile on her face.

“Why do you find it great?” the Commander asked, the dark could be dangerous, and people with bad intentions would take advantage of it.

“We would have more time to have sex,” Raven said, arching her eyebrows with a smile on her face. Lexa looked back at her, the corner of her lips tilting up on one side.

“You say that as if we hadn’t just spent most of the day in my quarters doing exactly that and wasting the sunlight.”

“Well, true, but we did other things besides having sex, we talked, you drew, we slept… You are usually busy during the day and sometimes at night, too, I just assumed you would be less busy during the winter, I mean,” Raven said as they started walking aimlessly around the markets.

“We will just have to wait and see; this is going to be my first winter in Command without Queen Nia. The Ice Nation will always have an advantage during the winter, but I hope that the change in command will make a difference and that we will have a peaceful winter,” Lexa said, her eyes lost in the crowds before her.

“You never told me how you felt about her being gone…” Raven said quietly, she knew it was a sensitive subject and she didn’t want to push.

The Commander let out an audible sigh, letting the people around them brush against her, touch her robes and grab at her hands, they would sometimes speak to her, halting their walk until the Commander had responded to them. She was kind to them, holding their hands in her own and accepting their gifs, even kissing babies' heads when their mothers asked for her protection.

Their conversation came to a stop until they were in a quieter place. The Commander took her to the private lands where the Nightbloods usually trained, located behind the tower and protected heavily by some of the most promising members of the Commander’s guard.

Lexa helped Raven climb up a low hill that overlooked the city, letting them view the sight of the setting sun. They sat there, side by side, enjoying the last minutes of sunlight.

“I feel like the pain will never go away,” Lexa said suddenly, remembering the last thing Raven had told her before they made it to the hill. “Killing her didn’t lessen my pain, but I hope that with her death Costia will finally be able to rest properly, I hope that she is free now, happy, that justice brought her peace.”

“I think that the only thing that will make her happy and free is to see you happy,” Raven said, her voice quiet but sure, she didn’t want to overstep, much less in regards to Costia. “That’s what love is, isn’t? When the person you love is happy, then you are happy as well.”

“I have been hurting her if that is the case,” the Commander said, looking away from Raven with her jaw tightly clenched.

“No, not hurting her,” Raven said, reaching out to place her hand on top of the Commander’s. “She probably has been concerned, though. That’s something you will have to work on, being happy, being okay, I’m sure she cares more about that than about the Ice Queen. You haven’t told me much about Costia, but I can tell that she loved you very much from what you have told me.”

“She did, I am sure, she showed me every day. I was planning to ask her to be my mate... We were young, but when I looked at her, I knew it was the right choice.”

“You thought you had a future with her,” Raven whispered, her eyes not moving away from the Commander’s profile.

“Yes, back then my position was as dangerous as it is now, maybe even more so, but with her, I thought I had a future. That we would mate, wait a few years, until we were ready, until I had somewhat fixed the world we live in, and then we would have a couple of pups,” she said, a tiny, nostalgic smile pulling at the corner of her lips. “I was too young back then, foolish.” She said, and Raven couldn’t believe what she was hearing, the Commander hadn’t even stepped on her twenties yet, she spoke as if she still wasn’t just a child.

“So, when she died, you no longer saw a future for yourself?”

“I didn’t see it and I didn’t want it, all I had was my duty, and Commander’s never live long, when that sword when through me I thought _just in time_ , but then Doctor Griffin saved my life and I became the longest-reigning Commander.”

“I hope you stay in power until you are old, grey and full of wrinkles, they can’t execute you for just being old, can they?” Raven asked, and the Commander turned to look at her with an amused smile on her face.

“I’m not sure, that has never happened before.”

“You will be the first, I’m sure,” Raven said, looking up when she felt something cold and wet drip on her face.

“What makes you so sure?”

“No other Commander had me by their side, not only I’m good at blowing shit up, but I will also kill you if you die, so… keep that in mind,” Raven said, not exactly amused when the Commander turned to look at her with that soft smile of hers.

“It would be truly an honor to die by your hand, it would be a good end for my fight.”

“Why?” Raven said, exasperated and endeared at the same time.

“You are smart, skilled, a worthy opponent,” Lexa said, “and like I said earlier, I find your eyes to be quite beautiful, if they were the last thing I saw, it would be a good death.”

“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, dismantling the tiny smile on the Commander’s lips with her mouth, kissing her slow and deep.

“We must take cover, the rain will get stronger soon,” Lexa murmured against Raven’s mouth, worried by the steady drops that were falling over her face.

“Oh, rain!” Raven said excitedly, “can we stay in it?”

“Why? We will be cold and wet, is that what you want?”

“The cold and wet part doesn’t sound amazing, but I want to try another Old-World tradition,” Raven said, getting to her feet as the rain started falling harder and harder, drenching her clothes and her hair, it was so, so cold.

“What is it?” the Commander asked, standing in the rain as she looked back at Raven, licking droplets of rain off of her bottom lip.

“Jumping on puddles,” Raven said with a huge grin on her face as she stared at the ground, a puddle was starting to develop just a few steps away from her.

“What? Why?” the Commander said with a small grimace, she was not fond of being dirty, and jumping on a puddle meant that her boots and the bottom of her pants would be completely stained with mud.

“For enjoyment!” Raven said, her smile getting bigger and bigger as she watched the puddle grow inside, drops of rain hitting and filling it quickly.

“Getting dirty is very unpleasant for me,” the Commander said, taking a small step back, Raven was standing awfully close to the puddle.

“Come on, please, it will just be a little while,” Raven said, reaching out with her hand to take the Commander’s own, pulling the alpha to her side. The alpha sighed, she knew she couldn’t deny.

“Okay.”

“Yes!” Raven said, tangling her fingers with the Commander’s as she stared at the puddle with a smile. “Are you ready? I’m going to count to 3. Ready?”

The Commander glanced down at her pants, sticking to her legs because of the water, she knew they would be ruined and sighed, there was no way she was wearing them again if she had any say in it.

“Ready,” she said, internally wincing.

“1, 2, 3!” Raven shouted, jumping a second later, both her feet and the Commander’s falling hard over the water, making it splash everywhere. Her laugh echoed in the Commander’s ears and the alpha felt a smile spread across her lips. She was less than amused with the mud that was currently sticking to her calves, but she could do it, she could do it for that smile, for that laugh.

“Let’s find another one!” Raven said, not waiting for a response before she pulled at the Commander’s hand and targeted her next puddle, running towards it and jumping as hard as she could, ignoring whatever ache might have been developing in her leg. Water and mud flew everywhere, and Raven was overjoyed, she didn’t think she would ever feel that light, or that free. But she was right there, cold and dripping, jumping in puddles and dragging the Commander of the 13 Clans to the mess.

Lexa lost count of how many puddles they jumped in, at some point, the mud on her calves started slipping down her leg and down towards her feet. She hated having her feet wet, having them muddy was a lot of worse, each step she took was making her internally cringe, and she started wondering how she managed to survive so many wars when she was so bothered by something as insignificant as mud. 

_Probably because you are not thinking about mud when you are busy thinking you are going to die_ , she thought to herself, getting rid of the thought as soon as it came, it wasn’t hard to do, Raven was laughing and how could Lexa even think about anything else.

Soon they had completely lost light, they couldn’t see where they were stepping, and much of the ground was a mud bath. Raven didn’t seem to care, jumping around without a care in the word until her foot slipped. She thought she would get to know what mud tasted like, that it would get in her eyes and her hair, but that never happened. The Commander saw her falling backward and pulled hard at her arm, trying to get her back on her feet, but her actions only made Raven crash against her chest instead, the impact sending the Commander falling back and crashing hard against the mud bath that was the ground.

Lexa closed her eyes, there was mud everywhere, she could feel it in her hair, sipping through and hitting her scalp; she could feel it on the back of her neck and even on the sides of her face; she could feel it on her back, going through her coat and shirt; she could feel it everywhere.

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,” Raven said in a rush, straddling the alpha’s hips, “I’m so sorry, are you okay?”

“I am well, Raven, are you well? I shouldn’t have pulled so hard on your arm, I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s totally fine,” Raven said, she could only see the outline of the Commander’s face with the light the moon was providing. She cupped the Commander’s cheeks with her hands and tried to wipe some of the mud away with her thumbs, she couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle in the process. “You kept me from taking a mud bath, I really appreciate that.” She said, chuckling once more at the grimace on the Commander’s face. “I’m really sorry, I know you hate being dirty.”

“Don’t apologize, I told you I would do what I could to make you smile,” the Commander whispered, staring up at the omega, the moon glowing bright just behind her head.

“You can’t say things like that,” Raven said, leaning down, cupping the alpha’s muddy cheeks and feeling cold raindrops slipping down the slope of her nose as it brushed against the Commander’s. 

Their lips were cold when they met, but Raven was sure to stroke the alpha’s plump bottom lip with her warm tongue, feeling Lexa let out a soft sigh against her mouth, and making Raven smile into the kiss until she was forced to break it.

“Let’s take a warm bath, yeah? I’ll help you get all that mud out of your hair, I know it’s killing you,” Raven said, pressing a chaste kiss to the Commander’s lips before pulling back, sitting on the Commander’s hips for a second before getting to her feet.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to,” the Commander said as she got to her feet, mud dripping off of her body with every step she took. She would be sure to apologize to the helpers of the tower; she knew the mud would get everywhere.

“I know, but I want to, come on,” Raven said, pulling at the Commander’s hand to tug her along.

……………….

Raven took her time with the Commander’s hair, making sure it was as clean as it could be, scrubbing at the back of her neck and shoulders until the skin was completely free of mud. She knew how important it was for Lexa to be clean, so she took her time with the sponge and the soap, making sure there was no spot in her skin left untouched.

After that, they changed into sleeping clothes and went to bed, only this time, there was no space left between them.

…………………

Raven slept through the night, unperturbed by her nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are nailing this friendship thing, don't you think? ;)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I wish 2020 treats you all well, thanks for staying with me with this story, hopefully I'll be able to finish it before 2021 rolls around. I hope you all have an amazing time with your friends and family. Thank you for taking the time to read my work and thank you for your comments, I love them so so much.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the new update and I'll be waiting for your comments!!

It was early, way too early to even exist, but for some reason Raven was waking up. Her pillow, albeit slowly, was moving.

 

“What’s happening?” Raven mumbled, cuddling further into Lexa’s chest and throwing her arm around the alpha’s middle. “I was having a really nice dream, there was this sexy alpha in it, she was doing all sorts of amazing things to me,” Raven said with a smirk, running the tip of nose up the Commander’s neck. She then lifted her head and looked down at the amused alpha. “Oh, wow, there she is. Hello, gorgeous,” Raven said, leaning down to press her lips against Lexa’s.

 

“Hello, Raven, you look quite beautiful yourself,” Lexa said, pushing loose strands of hair behind Raven’s ears. “How did you sleep?”

 

“Great, I feel pretty amazing right now,” Raven said, looking down into Lexa’s eyes and seeing how, in the early morning, the light green in her eyes got even lighter, making them look grey instead. She blinked quickly, surprised by the revelation, wondering how she was only noticing that, after having slept with the Commander so many times. She moved her head a little lower, her hand cupping the alpha’s cheek as she looked into her eyes. They were not completely grey, it was more a kaleidoscope of colors, where green, grey and even some blue swirled together, getting lost and beginning again in one another.

 

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked, frowning a little in concern, the omega had gone really quiet for a moment and that wasn’t usual. “Is there something wrong?”

 

“No, there’s nothing wrong, I just had never noticed that your eyes change colors, I mean, I always knew they were pretty, but today they look particularly gorgeous, mostly grey with some green and some blue in it.”

 

“Thank you, Raven, I thought they were just green,” Lexa said, her fingers tracing lazy shapes over Raven’s back, the omega was halfway on top of her and didn’t seem to be bothered by the contact. “I am happy to hear you slept better last night; I will try to be quiet as I get ready for the day so you are able to get back to sleep.”

 

Raven remembered then that her pillow, Lexa, had been moving, she had been trying to leave the bed without waking her up, which turned out to be pretty impossible with Raven lying on top of her.

 

“You need to go?” Raven said, pouting hard.

 

“Forgive me, I am afraid I must, I have things to oversee that can’t be postponed. I have asked Lana to stay with you and show you around the city, I hope to be able to join you later today, would that be okay?” Lexa asked, and Raven pouted even harder, pressing her bare body even further against Lexa’s.

 

“But I am really comfy…” she said, almost regretting it when she saw Lexa’s frown of concern deepen further.

“I could find you different suitors, they could stay here with you, keep you company,” Lexa offered and now it was Raven’s turn to frown.

 

“I don’t want some stranger, I want you, you are my friend. I understand you need to go; I am just being a child. I can wait, really,” Raven said, pushing herself off of the alpha.

 

“You are sure?”

 

“Yeah, I want to spend time with you, but I understand you have a Nation to take care of, so please, go before I throw myself at you again,” Raven said as she sat up, pulling up the furs so they covered her chest. The Commander mimicked her motions, sitting up with her back straight.

 

“I’ll do my best so I am able to come see you during lunch time, yes?”

 

“Yes, perfect,” Raven said, leaning in and placing a lingering kiss on the Commander’s cheek. 

 

The alpha flushed adorably at the gesture, her skin heating up in a light pink blush that didn’t go unnoticed by Raven.

 

“Thank you,” Lexa said awkwardly, her cheeks a flaming pink as she looked back at Raven, the omega chuckled at the alpha’s response. 

 

“No need for thanks, you could just give me one back,” Raven said with a small smile.

 

“Would you like that?”

 

“Sure, I’d really like that,” Raven said, watching as Lexa leaned in to press a sweet kiss against her cheek. Raven couldn’t help but smile to herself, biting her lip at the feeling of having Lexa so close to her, with her soft lips on her skin. She just couldn’t stop herself from turning her head and making Lexa’s lips brush against her own.

 

The kiss deepened quickly, remaining languid and slow until Raven was flat against the furs once more, Lexa’s strong body hovering over hers as they continued to kiss.

 

“I need to go,” Lexa murmured, her warm breath hitting Raven’s lips. Raven groaned low, tightening her hold around the Commander’s neck for a second before pushing her back, the alpha pulling back fast as soon as she felt it. She put up her hands as if she had committed a crime. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

 

“Hey, no, no, don’t go there, I only pushed you off because if I didn’t there’s no way in hell I would let you go, so really, don’t go there,” Raven begged, wrapping the furs around her body as she stood up as well, standing before Lexa and holding her hands, lowering them for her and holding them in her own.

 

“Oh, okay, when you pushed me off, I thought-” Lexa started, her brain firing with panic.

 

“I know what you thought and believe me when I tell you that it is completely wrong, there’s nothing I want more than to have you right here, right now, but I knew that if I didn’t push you you would never go, I wouldn’t let you, so please, go get ready before we end up in bed again.”

 

“Okay, I will,” Lexa said, finding comfort in the tiny circles Raven was drawing on the back of her hands.

 

“Hey, relax,” Raven said, placing another lingering kiss to the Commander’s cheek, “you did nothing wrong.”

 

The Commander only nodded in response, missing the feeling of Raven’s touch when the omega let her hands go.

 

“Try to get some sleep, okay? I’ll have Lana bring you breakfast later.”

 

“Okay, I will,” Raven said, offering the Commander a smile as she settled back on the bed.

 

………………………

 

Coming back to the tower after having been wandering around the markets for so long had been a weird experience. The doors of the elevator opened and Raven felt a strong wave of alpha pheromones hit her in the face. Her knees buckled and her neck unconsciously twisted to the side. If it wasn’t for Lana, who had been standing right next to her, she would have fallen to the floor on her knees.

 

“Just try to breathe through your mouth,” Lana whispered in Raven’s ear, her hand moving up and down the omega’s back soothingly. “Focus on me, okay? Heda won’t be pleased if she knows she affected you this way.” Lana said, and Raven looked up in surprise, not understanding how the pheromones that were driving her to submit could be the same as the ones she was used to. 

 

She then remembered that the Commander had never expressed such fury before, not in Raven’s presence at least. She stepped out of the elevator and looked up, finding the alpha guards spread all over the hallway trying to help each other back to their feet, they were sweaty and pale in the face, having difficulty in getting up when the Commander’s pheromones were still potent in the air.

 

What was most impressive about the whole thing, was that Lexa was not even in sight, the doors to her rooms were open and with Lana by her side Raven was able to get just a little bit closer.

 

“...my mistakes?” Lexa said, her voice a deadly hiss, her anger palpable, making the air suffocating, as murderous as a sharp blade. Raven would have gone down upon hearing it if it wasn’t for Lana’s tight hold around her waist. “Azgeda cut off Costia’s head and delivered it to my bed!” She was yelling, her voice growing louder with each word, making cold shivers travel down Raven’s back. “And still, I let them in to my alliance! I’M MORE THAN CAPABLE OF SEPARATING FEELINGS FROM DUTY!”

 

All the guards that had managed to pull themselves to their feet only moments before went down once more. Lexa’s pheromones were overwhelmingly strong, forcing everyone in contact with them into submission. Raven knew that was something alphas could do to omegas, and even to other alphas, but she didn’t know they would be able to do it to more than one person at once while not being too close to them.

 

She was sure she would have gone down as well if she had been breathing at all. Raven couldn’t hear anything else, her senses completely overwhelmed, but her sight, though blurred could make out Titus form on the floor, as Lexa continued to speak, her voice much quieter than before.

 

After a few moments Lexa seemed to finish talking, Titus picked himself up from the floor and rushed out of the room, seemingly taking the brunt of Lexa’s pheromones with him, for as soon as he was out of sight Lexa’s pheromones all but disappeared, giving Raven a sense of whiplash. 

 

The Commander had turned away, moving towards her balcony without seeing Raven. The omega stayed with Lana standing just outside the room for a couple of seconds, trying to compose herself before approaching the alpha.

 

“She prefers to be alone after something like this happens,” Lana comments, holding onto Raven’s arms before the omega could go inside the Commander’s quarters.

 

“I don’t think she would know how to ask for support even if she wanted it, and even if she knew how she didn’t have anyone to ask, so… I guess I’ll just see what’s going on and if she truly wants to be alone then I will leave her be, okay?” Raven told the handmaiden, who looked back at her with a mix of surprise and confusion in her eyes.

 

“Yes, Raven of the Sky People, I will make sure no one disturbs you.”

 

“That’s perfect Lana, you are great, wish me luck,” Raven said, feeling a little nervous at facing angry Lexa, she had never seen her so furious before and she did not know how to handle it.

 

“I’ve seen you with her,” Lana said with a smile, “you don’t need it.”

 

Raven shot her a smile, wiping away the beads of sweat that had collected on her brow before she walked inside the Commander’s room.

 

The Heda was standing in the balcony, hands behind her back and posture straight and perfect. Raven could see the movement of her chest, the slow and deep breath she was taking through her nose. Her jaw, diamond sharp, was made sharper still by the way she was clenching it so hard.

 

Raven wanted to touch her, to grab her arm and make her turn around until they were face to face, but she was not sure the contact would be appreciated.

 

“I did not mean for you to see me like that,” the Commander said, cutting the silence, “I do not usually lose control like that-”

 

“If at all,” Raven interrupted, “I think you hardly ever lose control, and I think it is so violent because you keep everything inside, you take it all and push it down, until something just makes the already overflowing glass tip over…”

 

“I know it affected you and I would like to apologize to you-” Lexa said as if she hadn’t heard a single word of what Raven had just said.

 

“hey, hey, shhh,” Raven said, stepping closer and pressing her hands gently over the sides of the Commander’s head, holding it gently. “I’m not looking for an apology, and I don’t want you to make this about me, I want you to make it about yourself.”

 

“I could have made you submit to me, I would never-”

 

“I know you would never,” Raven said in a reprimanding tone, “but I would like you to listen to what I’m saying. Hey, just look at me.” Raven said, finally getting the Commander to stop talking and look at her. “It scares me how you are capable of being so furious and then just pull it all back and block it, you should be able to let yourself feel things and you should be able to speak about those things.”

 

“Those feelings, they cloud my judgement, I can’t protect my people- I can’t protect you when they don’t let me focus,” Lexa said, her tone strained and her jaw clenched tight. Raven ran the tip of her fingers over her cheekbones, trying to get her to calm down, to soothe the uncomfortable feeling that was bubbling under the surface.

 

“As far as I know there is nothing to protect anyone from right now, you made sure of that, and even if there was that doesn’t make it okay for you to swallow everything down until you blow up. I don’t know what Titus said to upset you like this, but you probably wouldn’t have exploded the way you did if you spoke to someone about whatever is on your mind.”

 

“Raven, I didn’t get angry because I’ve been keeping things to myself, that’s how my life is, that’s what I’ve always done, I got angry because he is right and I refuse to act accordingly because doing so would make me lose something I cherish, because I’m being selfish,” Lexa said, holding onto Raven’s wrists but not pulling the omega’s hands off of her face.

 

“What did he say to you?” Raven said with a sigh, watching the Commander close her eyes for a second before opening them once more.

 

“Don’t let her pay the price for your mistakes as Costia did,” Lexa said, repeating what Titus had said word for word.

 

“Lexa…” Raven said with a sigh. “It’s disgusting that he even dared to use her like that against you, and I am not her, we are not like that.”

 

“It does not matter, Raven, even if the nature of our relationship is not the same as it was with Costia, you are still the only thing I have outside of my duty, having you as a friend is the only thing I am allowing for myself and nothing else. People will use that against me and you will end up dead because of it.”

 

“I honestly don’t give a single fuck,” Raven said, knowing immediately that that had been the wrong answer to give, the Commander’s hands tightened around her wrists and in moments she was moving Raven’s hands away from her face.

 

“How could you say that, Raven? Your life matters!” Lexa said, visibly angry.

 

“Yeah, and the way I live it matters more,” Raven said, reaching up to hold Lexa’s face in her hands once more. “I made my choice; this is what I want and I am not afraid.”

 

“It is the wrong choice, it is dangerous and reckless, I will be your end, Raven.”

 

“Letting someone else choose for me would be wrong, letting fear dictate my actions would be wrong, this is my life, this is how I want to live it, being your friend. I am smart Lexa, I knew what I was getting into the moment I asked you to do this with me and I’m not going back on it, okay?” Raven asked, her thumb running gently over Lexa’s cheek.

 

“I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Lexa said, the anger seemingly draining out of her, being replaced by a much more uncomfortable feeling, one that closed up her throat and that made her eyes sting, one that made her chest ache and her voice shake.

 

“That’s a risk we must take, you know that, one runs the risk of weeping a little…”

 

“If one lets himself be tamed,” Lexa whispered, trying to push herself to be brave, to face the risk of being broken once more.

 

“Yeah, don’t listen to him, okay? Just don’t,” Raven said, moving closer and wrapping her arms around the Commander’s shoulders, holding her tight to her chest. It took Lexa a moment, but after a couple of seconds she was wrapping her arms around the middle of Raven’s back, letting her head rest gently against the omega’s.

 

“I want you to stay safe,” Lexa whispered after a couple of seconds, her hold tightening around Raven’s waist.

 

“I want you to stay safe too, but you keep dying on me every five seconds,” Raven said as she pulled away, looking back at the Commander with a small smile.

 

“I don’t mean to,” Lexa said regretfully, giving Raven an apologetic look.

 

“I know, I know this is part of who you are, everything you have been through comes with your position and I get it. I still worry, I do, but I don’t blame you for it,” Raven said, watching a tiny frown develop between the Commander’s brows as she looked back at her with concern.

 

“I wish I could make you feel beautiful things only,” the Commander whispered, the grey in her eyes pouring from the center, from her pupils, diluting the green into a lighter shade, an almost completely grey one that reminded Raven of the pale silver of the stars in the sky.

 

“You can’t say things like that,” Raven muttered gently, her cheeks heating up as she tightened her hold on the back of Lexa’s neck, leaning forwards slowly, letting the slope of her nose brush against the Commander’s in a featherlight touch before allowing their lips to meet.

 

The Commander didn’t bring her closer, she didn’t tighten her hold around her waist, she didn’t massage the small of Raven’s back with her fingers. No, her hands stayed where they were, respectfully placed on the omega’s hips, too shy to move, they were as doubtful as the alpha’s lips.

 

And still, that shyness, that hesitance made for the sweetest of kisses, slow and gentle, overflowing with care.

 

“I think…” Raven whispered against the Commander’s lips, their breaths mingling as their eyes remained closed, they were too close to be able to look at each other either way. “... that worry can be a beautiful thing because it comes from a place of care, it’s there because I care about you, and isn’t that a beautiful thing?”

 

The Commander pulled her head back just enough to look into Raven’s eyes, knowing that her own were covered by a thin film of tears.

 

“It is, I cannot think of anything more beautiful than that, thank you,” Lexa whispered, closing her eyes as she allowed herself to rest her forehead against Raven’s. “I care about you as well, truly.”

 

Raven’s lips trembled as they spread into a small smile.

 

“You really can’t say things like that, I have to kiss you, I can’t help it,” Raven said, shivers running down her spine as she muffled the Commander’s quiet chuckle with her mouth.

 

Soon the kiss was deepening, Raven’s hands were quick to unclasp the Commander’s shoulder pauldron, dropping it carelessly onto the floor of the balcony before pushing the Commander’s coat off of her shoulders. In mere seconds Raven had the Commander bare from the waist up. Soon her hands got lost inside her pants, palming the swelling bulge.

 

“May I take you inside?” the Commander asked, her panting breaths hitting Raven’s kiss swollen lips.

 

“No,” Raven said, stepping back to pull off her jacket, shirt and bra, the chill of the autumn air instantly making her skin flood with goosebumps. “I want you to take me right here, in this balcony and I want you to make me scream loud enough for Titus to hear, he will know there’s nothing he can say to hurt what we have.”

 

Raven knew her words had aroused the alpha, her shaft seeming to jump in her hand, reaching full hardness in mere seconds, but still, the alpha didn’t jump on her like Raven hoped she would. She stood very still, jaw and fists clenched tight as she looked back at Raven.

 

“You will be cold,” Lexa said at last, her fingers tracing the side of Raven’s arm.

 

“Then keep me warm,” Raven said, not waiting for an answer as she stepped into the Commander’s space, letting their chests press together as she brought her down for a rough kiss, teeth and tongue quickly coming to play as Raven moved her hands down the Commander’s chest, palming at her breasts.

 

“Lexa, please,” Raven begged as she felt the Commander’s hands stay dead at her sides, motionless. “Take me, touch me, I want you to touch me anywhere you want.” 

 

“You are sure?” Lexa asked, her hands opening, her fingers twitching, aching to reach out and pull Raven back into her chest.

 

“Yes, I am sure,” Raven said, taking Lexa’s hand in her own and pushing it below her waist line, knowing well that the alpha’s digits would meet nothing but wetness.

 

Lexa’s eyes darkened, her pupils blown with lust as she moved forward, pushing Raven against the railing of the balcony, her fingers moving on their own accord, knowing exactly what to do to push the omega closer and closer to the edge.

 

Raven moaned freely as Lexa’s warm fingers pressed tight circles against her clit. Her hands moved up the Commander’s body, one hand wrapping around her pulsing dick as the other moved up, tracing the hard ridges of her abs as she leaned in to kiss her. Their lock only breaking when Lexa’s fingers moved down, tracing Raven’s leaking opening before pushing inside with two fingers. The omega gasped for air, her dark eyes meeting the evergreen eyes of the Heda as the alpha’s fingers insistently pushed in and out of her, the soft pad of her thumb bumping constantly against her clit.

 

In mere seconds Raven’s core was clenching, her vocal cords strained with a loud shout as her walls tightened violently around the alpha’s fingers. Lexa was quick to tighten her hold around Raven’s waist, bracing her against the railing of the balcony as she watched the waves of pleasure wash over the omega’s face, sending a flush of up her neck and causing her eyes to roll to the back of her head.

 

Raven chuckled, leaning forwards to bump her nose against the alpha’s.

 

“Give me this now, yes?” Raven said, shivering at the cold wind that traveled across her back as she pumped the Commander’s cock with her hand.

 

“You are sure?” Lexa asked, receiving no verbal response, but watching as Raven turned her back on her, facing all the land that belonged to her, her city, her people. The omega pushed down her pants, and as they had done once before, they got caught on her brace, preventing them from being pushed all the way down to her ankles.

 

Raven then took a step back, grinding her ass over the Commander’s crotch and throwing her arm back, her fingers curling over the alpha’s neck and pulling her forwards until the Heda was pressed flush against her bare back.

 

“Take me right here, in front of all of your people, make sure that everyone down in the markets hears what you are doing to me,” Raven said, bending forwards, bracing her hands over the railing of the balcony.

 

And after seeing her there, bent just for her with all her lands as the background Lexa didn’t need to ask any more questions. She placed her hands on Raven’s shoulders and brought them down gently, tracing her spine in a soft caress until her palms were settled on the omega’s ass, she squeezed hard enough to see the red imprints her fingers left behind and then pushed her hips forwards. The wide head of her cock got caught at Raven’s opening, it’s thickness not allowing for her to slip inside easily, forcing her to jerk her hips up until the head went past the omega’s narrow opening. 

 

Raven let out a soft whine, feeling the Commander’s length bury inside of her bit by bit, until it had nowhere else to go, until her walls were stretched to their breaking point, the burning dick in her insides pulsing along the Commander’s heartbeat, twitching with the need to move.

 

And as the sky darkened and clouds formed over their heads Raven knew Lexa needed one last push.

 

“Make me scream your name loud enough for every single person in this city to hear me, make me, Lexa,” Raven said and in seconds the gentle woman behind her turned into the raging beast that Raven had asked her to be.

 

Lexa pulled back, letting nothing but the head of her cock remain inside of Raven before slamming back in, making her hips slam noisily against the omega’s ass, the impact so hard it sent tremors up the omega’s body, forcing a loud shout to fall past her lips and getting lost in the quiet rumble of the sky.

 

Slowly but surely rain drops started to fall, the howling wind of the fall time making sure cold drops of water hit their skin. They fell over Raven’s warm flesh and rolled down her chest, falling from the high peaks of her breasts as the Commander continued the ferocious snap of her hips, making the omega’s whole body rock with the movement as her cock dragged against her walls. The swollen head of her shaft pushed insistently over the back of her front wall, making Raven cry out in pleasure, her eyes opening wide as heat boiled in her gut, allowing for a sudden flash of light in the sky to reflect in her pupils. Raven could only watch as the bright light split the sky in two, staying there for a couple of seconds before disappearing.

 

Close after the lightning came the thunder, it’s sound deafening and so loud, louder than anything Raven had ever heard before. It echoed in Raven’s ears blended with the slapping sound of Lexa’s thrusting hips.

 

The Commander seemed to draw energy from the sudden noise, her thrusts becoming harder still, faster, in their attempt to not be quieted by the rumble in the sky. One of her hands moved up Raven’s toned abdomen, her fingers ghosting over the raindrops that continued to fall over Raven’s chest as she took a soft breast into the palm of her hand, kneading it and rolling the stiff nipple between two fingers. Doing her best so her hold wouldn’t slip with how soaked they had both come to be.

 

Her mouth quickly latched onto the omega’s neck, the sweet taste of her skin mixing with the taste of rain water on Lexa’s tongue. She delivered open mouthed kisses, allowing her tongue to draw countless shapes before she sucked, teeth clenching around warm skin and sending Raven’s narrow channel into a wild flutter, her walls tightening around the Commander’s cock, sucking it in as waves of pleasure crashed over her being, rushing from between her legs and towards the tips of her toes and the ends of her hair.

 

Raven didn’t hear herself scream, the rumble of thunder in the sky didn’t let her, but she knew she had done it, her vocal cords aching and sore as she fell back onto Lexa’s chest, her legs going completely limp under her, the Commander releasing a flood inside of her.

 

“Do you trust me?” the Commander asked, her voice hoarse and low in Raven’s ear.

 

“Yes,” Raven responded, throat raw and throbbing. A moment later the Commander was pulling her cock out and twisting Raven’s body around until they were face to face. The alpha reached down to unclasp the omega’s brace, helping her out of her pants a second later, leaving the omega completely bare, standing in the rain under the chilling autumn air.

 

“There’s nothing like watching the expression on your face as you come, I need to see it Raven, I need to see you. I need to bury myself inside of you and look into your eyes as you come. May I do that?”

 

“Yes,” Raven moaned, throwing her arms around the Commander’s neck and pulling her into a rough kiss. A shot of dread and excitement rushing up to her head when she felt the Commander’s hands settle behind her thighs and lift her over the balcony’s railing, one wrong move and Raven would fall to her death.

 

“Do you trust me?” the Commander asked again, her lips brushing Raven’s with every word as she braced the omega against the railing, her hands secure under her thighs.

 

“Yes.”

 

“I won’t let you fall,” Lexa said, green eyes locked on dark brown ones.

 

“I know,” Raven said at once, not knowing if the shaking that overtook her body after those words came from the cold, or from the absolute certainty in the Commander’s voice.

 

She wrapped her hand around the Commander’s shaft, aligning it to her entrance as she curled her legs around the alpha’s waist. The stiff rod slipped inside, aided by what was left of their joined climax, Lexa thrusted all the way in, moving up and down as she hoisted Raven a little higher, pressing her up against the top of the railing. 

 

With each thrust upwards Lexa went a little deeper, pushed a little further, reaching every existing sensitive spot and leaving Raven muttering obscenities against her lips. Each word was swallowed by Lexa’s mouth, by her tongue as it flicked over the roof of the omega's mouth, by her lips as they sucked on Raven’s tongue, by her teeth as they tugged and nipped on her bottom lip; leaving Raven as a wanton mess, hanging to her sanity by nothing but a weak thread.

 

The Commander broke the kiss, feeling drops of rain rolling down the slope of her nose as Raven’s warm breath washed over her cheeks. She could feel the omega’s accelerated heartbeat, the erratic way she breathed, the way her hands tightened almost painfully around her neck. She was so close and Lexa wanted nothing but fall over the edge with her, she tightened her hold around the omega’s legs and lifted her, bringing her down as she thrust her hips up strongly. The high came in a flash, blindingly hot, intense, powerful, sending electricity through their veins as Lexa’s legs weakened, her warmth flooding Raven’s insides as she felt to her knees in the balcony, rain falling over their heads as she made sure Raven wouldn’t be hurt, holding her tight to her body as her knees took the brunt of the impact.

 

The extreme force of climax had Raven’s back arching, pushing her chest against Lexa’s as her eyes clenched shut, white exploding behind her eyes as her body was consumed by tremors. She didn’t feel them fall, but when she lifted her head from Lexa’s shoulder, she saw they were on the floor. The rain continued raging over their heads, giving no sign of stopping, and for the first time Raven realized that she was quite cold, that they were pretty much naked in the rain, that the Commander was weakened after being sick and that having sex in the rain probably wasn’t the greatest idea.

 

She traced kisses up the column of the Commander’s neck, reaching her cheek and placing soft kisses there, too.

 

“We should get inside,” Raven muttered, wrapping the alpha up in her arms, feeling Lexa reciprocate the gesture and tighten her arms around Raven’s back.

 

“You are cold, I’ll get a warm bath ready for you, I should have gotten us both inside as soon as it started raining, forgive me,” Lexa said in a rush of words that barely filtered inside Raven’s brain.

 

“No, no, I mean, yes, I’m cold, but that’s not why I want to get inside. I am worried you will get sick.”

 

“I’m okay, do not worry,” Lexa said, pushing a drenched strand of dark hair behind Raven’s ear. She then braced herself on the nearest object, being the door frame that led into her quarters, she held onto it with one arm and wrapped her arm around Raven’s back with the other, pushing herself to her feet and willing her legs to hold in the process.

 

Their recent activities were quickly catching up to her and she was starting to feel quite drained, her bones feeling like lead, dragging her down to the floor. She managed to settle Raven onto her bed, wrapping her up in blankets before getting herself into a robe and walking towards the door.

 

Both warriors standing post refused to look at her as she opened the door.

 

“Tell the handmaidens to prepare a warm bath for me, now.”

 

“Yes, Heda,” both warriors responded, only one of them walking a way to look for Lana, or one of the other handmaidens. Lexa made her way back inside, sitting next to Raven and feeling her cheeks heat up as soon as the omega pressed against her side, looking for warmth.

 

“Why do you enjoy the rain so much? You seem to enjoy being in it,” Lexa asked as Raven nestled her head against her neck, the tip of her nose brushing against the side of her neck.

 

“It smells like you, or you smell like it, I am not sure,” Raven muttered sleepily, “I really like it,” she said, pressing her nose further against Lexa’s neck.

 

Before Lexa could say anything in response several handmaidens moved inside the room, carrying buckets of warm water, making sure it wouldn’t take more than one trip to fill the tub. Soon they were all gone, leaving only Lana in the bathroom. After a few moments the young handmaiden came outside the bathroom, standing before her Heda with a small smile on her face.

 

“Your bath is ready, Heda, is there anything else I can do for you?”

 

“Stoke the fire and bring more blankets as well as dinner. Are all the ambassadors within the tower for tonight’s audience?” Lexa asked, dreading the notion of leaving her room when she felt so very exhausted, she felt like she would collapse if she didn’t rest at least for a few hours.

 

“No, Heda, the Sangeda and Trishana Ambassadors were meant to come back today, but it is safe to assume that the recent storms have delayed them, it is said that the rain might not stop until tomorrow at least.”

 

“The audience will be delayed until they arrive, there is no point on discussing something that we won’t be able to vote on after because of the absence of two ambassadors.”

 

“I will notify everyone involved, Heda, should I let them know you will not be available for the rest of the day?”

 

“Yes, Lana, thank you. I wish to not be bothered, unless something urgent comes up.”

 

“Yes, Heda, I will also bring your medicine. Everything should be ready when you finish your bath.” Lana said before leaving.

 

“Does that mean that I get to keep you for myself?” Raven asked, tilting her head back to look up at the Heda.

 

“Yes,” Lexa responded, picking the omega up and moving her towards the bathroom, lowering her into the tub and kneeling besides it.

 

“Oh, please, we already talked about this, get in!” Raven said, giving the Commander a very pronounced eye roll.

 

“I didn’t want to assume,” the Commander said, her cheeks heating up as she made her way inside the tub, settling behind Raven and enjoying the feeling of the omega pressing up against her chest.

 

“I know, I get it,” Raven said, twisting her hair back to press a soft kiss against her cheek. “Wish we were in bed already.”

 

“I needed to get you warm, this is faster than just the blankets,” Lexa said, feeling very tired herself. “We just need to stay for a few minutes.” Lexa said proceeding to wash herself and Raven until they were both warm enough to leave the tub.

 

They got each other dry and then put on some underwear, after that they both got under the furs, eyes tired and half closed.

 

“I’m sorry, I was very harsh with you, you will be uncomfortable,” Lexa said regretfully, her head lolling to the side to look at Raven properly.

 

“I asked you to be that way, and I enjoyed it, there is nothing to apologize for. I am sorry I jumped on you again, I know you are still recovering and that you shouldn’t be exerting yourself like this,” Raven said, looking back at Lexa with a worried frown.

 

“I’m okay, I just need rest.”

 

“Let’s nap then,” Raven whispered, moving closer to the Commander’s space and cuddling up to her chest, “I’m still kind of cold,” Raven lied, the bath had done wonders to lift her body temperature, but she still couldn’t resist the temptation of falling asleep in the Commander’s arms.

 

“I can get you more blankets,” the Commander whispered, her eyes half closed with exhaustion, her body so dreadfully tired she could barely feel her arms and legs, let alone move them. She didn’t think she could actually get up to get more furs, but she would try if that meant Raven would be comfortable.

 

“No, I’m perfect,” Raven mumbled sleepily, her forehead resting against the Heda’s collarbone, “you are so warm,” she moved her hand up and down the Commander’s side, caressing soothing shapes over her skin, lulling her to sleep.

 

Lexa hummed contently, her tongue too heavy to be moved as her eyes fell shut, sleeping didn’t usually come so easily to her, but with Raven everything was different. She fell asleep with the omega’s fingers tracing her spine, sending pleasant tickles and shivers up and down her back.

 

Raven felt asleep mere moments later, only needing to feel Lexa’s slow and even breathing wash over her brow, and her heartbeat, calm and steady, pumping against Raven’s chest.

 

………………….

 

They slept away the afternoon, curling tightly around each other and free of aggravating dreams. Waking up deep into the night to fill their bellies and, in Lexa’s case, have some medicine.

 

After that, the alpha stood from the bed and walked towards the small area of her room where a few sofas and armchairs were located, she lifted the armchair she liked the most, the one she considered more comfortable and located it near the balcony, facing the outside. She then went for Raven, who had changed into a warm sweater and loose pants, and brought her back towards the armchair.

 

“Like this you will be able to watch the rain and remain dry,” Lexa said, motioning the omega to sit down.

 

“You sit,” Raven said, smiling at the Commander’s confused expression.

 

“It’s for you, Raven, we both won’t fit there.”

 

“Of course, we will! Come on, sit,” Raven said strongly, watching the Commander settle comfortably on the armchair and look up at her with eyes that said: see? No more space.

 

Raven shot her a smile and moved towards the bed, grabbing one of the blankets before moving back towards the Heda and sitting comfortably right on her lap. The alpha was blatantly surprised, eyes wide and cheeks pink as Raven wrapped one arm around her neck settling sideways against her chest, her legs folding over the side of the arm chair as she spread the blanket over their laps with her free hand. Upon getting over her surprise, Lexa wrapped one arm around Raven’s back, offering her some support.

 

“See? We fit perfectly,” Raven said with a brilliant smile.

 

“You are sure you are comfortable like this? I can get another chair,” the Commander asked, her doubts crawling up the back of her neck. Raven offered a gentle smile and pressed a soft kiss on her forehead.

 

“I’m great, you know I enjoy being pressed up against you,” Raven said, settling on the Commander’s chest and looking outside, lightning crossed the sky once more, it’s flashing light washing over Raven’s face as the rumble of thunder spread in the air. “That’s so epic, it feels powerful. I had never seen anything like it.”

 

“It is very powerful and it can cause great destruction, but there is no denying it’s beauty.”

 

“Just like you then,” Raven said without much of a thought. “There is no other person in the world right now that holds more power than you do, and I know well that you would destroy anything that might threaten your people, but still, you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met,” Raven whispered, her gaze lost in Lexa’s eyes, her hand reaching up to cup her cheek, to brush her thumb over the sharp edge of her jaw.

 

“How can I be that person when my destruction has touched you?” Lexa said regretfully, her eyes losing their glow as she reached to touch the underside of Raven’s right arm, where her own blade had split skin, leaving behind a thick scar.

 

“That is not on you, Lex,” Raven said, the nickname escaping her mouth before she could think about it, “I was framed, there was evidence against me, I wouldn’t have been hurt if Gustus hadn’t planted that evidence against me, and I know…” Raven said as she brushed her thumb over Lexa’s cheek, “... that you were hurt much worse that day.”

 

Lexa looked away, not wanting Raven to see the glistening tears in her eyes. The omega held onto her chin gently, tilting Lexa’s head to the side so they would be eye to eye once more.

 

“His betrayal, his lack of trust on your vision, having to end his fight yourself… We were both hurt that day and it was all caused by his decisions, not yours,” Raven said gently, her eyes sure as she willed Lexa to understand.

 

“I am not able of seeing the beauty in me that you see, not right now, but that’s okay, you are more than beautiful enough for the both of us,” the alpha whispered, her fingers tracing the faded scar on the back of Raven’s arm.

 

“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven said, clutching her eyes shut as she pressed her lips forehead against Lexa’s, biting at her bottom lip and aching to cover the Commander’s mouth with her own.

 

“It is not my intention to make you want to kiss me,” the Commander whispered, her breath warm and sweet over Raven’s lips.

 

“I know, and that makes me want to kiss you even more,” Raven said, her hand running up the Commander’s chest, over her shoulder and towards the back of her neck, pulling her close as she buried her fingers in soft wavy hair. 

 

Their lips met in heat, the kind of heat that lightning produced as it met the ground, strong enough to light trees on fire. The sensation of it felt loud in many ways, overwhelming in how Raven could feel its effects down to her toes and across her whole body. Raven’s nose brushed the Heda’s as she tilted her head to the side, deepening the kiss, letting her tongue caress the alpha’s in a fleeting gesture that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

 

Ending up in bed was not a surprise. Having the Commander buried inside of her felt like a reassurance, each thrust, each kiss, each touch… they felt like balms, healing and soothing. And still, somehow, they managed to be like lightning, intense and powerful, sending searing heat up and down her veins. Raven realized that there was no other place where she had ever felt so strong and so vulnerable, and during the finishing moments that realization was what made the euphoria that came with climax all-consuming, profound and so very extraordinary.

 

“Raven, please, I am sorry,” the Commander said, alarmed by the tears she could see trailing down Raven’s temples. She wanted to pull out, to put distance between them, but Raven’s hold around her back was too strong, not letting her move.

 

“These are good tears, Lex, that just felt really good,” Raven said, looking up at the Heda with a smile as she gently massaged the back of her neck. “Sometimes things feel so good or make you so happy that a few tears just escape you.”

 

“Oh, I think I understand,” the Commander said, the tiny confused frown that Raven loved so much settled firmly on her face.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes, I felt like crying when you asked me to be your friend,” Lexa said, her eyes not shying away from Raven’s as she tried to catch as many tears as she could with her thumb. “I didn’t allow myself to do it, I didn’t want you to think it had made me upset, but knowing that good and happy things can also lead to crying makes sense to me, my eyes were burning in that moment.”

 

“You really can’t say things like that,” Raven said, tears rolling down the sides of her smile as she pulled Lexa down for a kiss, her hips coming to life on their own accord, making a low groan bubble up from the back of the Heda’s throat.

 

They came together time and time again, until their bodies were completely spent, slick with sweat, limbs no longer working as they should. Lexa fell to the side, doing her best not to crush Raven with her weight as her arms and legs trembled with exertion, her chest heaving up and down for air.

 

Raven was left in a similar state, boneless and quickly falling into a deep sleep, beads of sweat rolling down every inch of her body. Still, she managed to find the strength to roll into the alpha’s chest, resting her head over a soft breast and wrapping one arm over toned abs before going completely still.

 

Lexa could only look down at her, wondering what she had done to deserve such a gift in her life as she pulled the furs over their cooling bodies, allowing herself to finally close her eyes.

 

……….

 

Raven’s knee connected with something warm and soft and even in her sleepy daze she knew she had just kneed the Commander in the gut.

 

“Shit, sorry,” Raven mumbled into the alpha’s chest, her throat aching furiously with each word. She knew well that the hit had surely woken her up. She just felt so overheated, her body boiling under the furs and against Lexa’s body. “I’m so hot in here, I just need to get these furs off of me.”

 

The furs were out the way in an instant, the Commander having grabbed them and tossed them to the bottom of the bed. Cool air washed over Raven and she sighed in relief, she still felt overheated but less so, and she refused to move away from the Commander’s body, her scent was too nice, except… except she could barely smell anything.

 

Raven opened her eyes, frowning in confusion and looking up at the Commander, who was already looking back at her with concerned green eyes.

 

“I can barely sense your scent, can you stop suppressing it and just let it out like a normal person,” Raven said, her throat so impossibly sore. She frowned to herself and continued talking before the Commander could say anything. “I think you took the ‘making me scream’ thing too seriously, my throat really hurts. I never thought I would say this but maybe we overdid it with the sex, everything hurts.”

 

“Raven, you are sick,” Lexa said, her eyes slightly wide as she cupped Raven’s face in her hands, her palms feeling the heat coming from the omega’s body.

 

“What?” Raven asked, blinking quickly.

 

“You are burning up, do not worry, I will find the Skaikru healer and bring him right away,” Lexa said, standing up from the bed and getting quickly changed, leaving the room before Raven could react.

 

The omega fell back onto the bed with an annoyed groan, of course she had gotten sick, being in the rain so often after having never even seen it before, her body obviously hadn’t been ready for it. She rubbed her eyes with the back of her hands and reached for her shirt and underwear, putting them on, not happy with the idea of Jackson of all people seeing her naked.

 

Only moments later the doors opened and in came the Commander, Lana and Jackson, looking like he had just been dragged out of bed as he carried his medical bag with an annoyed look on his face.

 

He sat at Raven’s side and started his examination, the Commander standing right behind him and seemingly breathing down his neck as she made sure he wasn’t doing anything to hurt her.

 

“It seems like a regular case of the flu,” Jackson said, “the fever feels a little high for my taste so we are going to put you on some medications to lower it, I will leave you something for the headaches and body aches. You need to stay hydrated, having warm drinks and food that won’t be too hard on the stomach. It won’t go away for a few more days so the best we can do is try to keep you comfortable until it goes away.”

 

“Great, this is awesome,” Raven said, as she took the pills offered to her and swallowed them with a few gulps of water.

 

“Do not worry, you will be well taken care of,” the Commander was quick to reassure.

 

“I do not recommend she stays with you; you are still weakened and more prone to catching what Raven has,” Jackson said after he stood up, gathering his things and putting them back in his bag.

 

“Considering the way Raven and I spent the day it would seem that I have been more than exposed to what she has, if I get it then I get it,” the Commander said strongly, she would not let Raven out of her sight.

 

“Commander-”

 

“I’ve heard enough, Jackson, I expect you to be here for Raven all through her recovery, I will not accept her getting worse and if that happens, I will blame you, am I clear?”

 

“Yes, Commander,” Jackson said, his eyes wide and frightened, offering the Commander a court bow before leaving.

 

“Lana, fetch me cool water and a cloth, we must do our best to cool her down,” the Commander ordered.

 

“Yes, Heda,” the young girl said before walking away.

 

“Lexa,” Raven said, giving the Commander a reprimanding look as the Heda settled back into the bed, pressing the back of her hand to Raven’s forehead with a frown. “If Jackson says it’d be best for us not to be too close, then we should listen to him.”

 

“Raven, we were kissing just a few hours ago, if I get sick then I get sick, it makes no sense to put space between us now. I desire to check on your recovery myself,” Lexa said, getting a thinner blanket and draping it over Raven, doing what she could so she wouldn’t be too hot.

 

“You do realize that I am going to be feeling very guilty if you do get sick?” Raven said, looking up at the Commander with a frown on her face.

 

“You should not feel that way, staying by your side is my choice, a choice I will not regret.”

 

“Stop, stop, stop!” Raven said, clutching her eyes shut and turning her face away from Lexa, burying the side of her face in the pillow under her head. “You can’t say things like that! You keep making me want to kiss you and we can’t do that!”

 

The next thing she felt was the gentle press of soft lips against her cheek, they lingered there for a few seconds before pulling back, not letting Raven know if the heat that had rushed up to her face was a result from the fever or from the kiss itself.

 

“Was that okay?” the alpha asked tentatively, wondering if she had overstepped.

 

“Yeah,” Raven said softly, looking up at the Heda with a small smile, “that was perfect,” she said, receiving a smile in return from the alpha.

 

Lana came back then, placing a basin with cool water on the night table and offering the Commander a couple of soft white cloths.

 

“Lana, bring a jug of water also, after that you may go back to sleep,” the Commander said, soaking the cloth and getting rid of the excess of water before running it gently over Raven’s forehead.

 

“Yes, Heda,” Lana said, going for the jug and placing it on the nearest table paired with a few cups.

 

“Is this okay?” Lexa asked quietly, watching Raven’s eyes flutter closed under the sensation of the cool water on her burning skin.

 

“That feels really nice,” Raven mumbled, her breathing slowing down as she fell asleep.

 

“Sleep,” the Commander whispered, pressing the cloth over Raven’s forehead before dipping another in the water and later placing it over Raven’s neck. “You’ll get better soon.”

 

…………….

 

Raven didn’t think the Commander could possibly get any sweeter, she had been through war, through loss, through heartbreak… Raven didn’t understand how could she be sweet at all to begin with, so there was no possible way she could get sweeter, not a chance.

 

She was so wrong.

 

During the days that followed the Commander made sure to wake up a couple of times every night to change the cold compresses she had placed over Raven’s forehead and neck. She took Raven to the bathroom to make sure she wouldn’t get lightheaded and fall, she came to check on her after her meetings, during lunch, before training, and during every single second she had to spare she would go to Raven, even if it was only for a couple of seconds.

 

When the coughing got too bad, she would always rub Raven’s back, asking first of course, still not daring to touch her without permission. She made sure Raven was eating and drinking enough, going as far as feeding Raven herself when the omega felt too achy and exhausted to do it herself.

 

She prepared cool baths for Raven, bathing her with her own hands, running a sponge over the omega’s skin, getting rid of the sweat when the omega was too weak to keep herself clean. She made sure Raven took her meds as well, and she had brought the best healer in Polis to give her a second opinion.

 

She was exhausting herself, wearing herself to the bone, Raven could see it. She could see the dark bags under her eyes as they got bigger and darker after each day, she could see it in the heavy hang of her shoulders, in how her usually perfect posture seemed suddenly very hard to maintain during the day. She could see it in how the Commander’s movements seemed to be slower than they were before, in how even her Nightbloods had managed to get some hits in during training, something that almost never happened.

 

“You really need to rest,” Raven said, wrapped up in a blanket, sniffing and coughing like her life depended on it.

 

“I am well, Raven,” the Commander said, moving towards the omega with a weird looking flask in her hands, “this will help you breathe better; may I lift your shirt?”

 

“Oh, yes, please, my boobs have been missing your hands,” Raven said, smiling to herself at the Commander’s amused smile.

 

“My hands will go nowhere near your breasts, Raven, you need to sleep,” Lexa said, rolling Raven’s shirt up to her collarbones as she spread some of the ointment all over her chest, it felt kind of cold and smelled herbal, that was as far as Raven’s descriptions could go, but she would be lying if she said it didn’t help, whatever the ointment was made of was doing a wonderful job at clearing her airway and lessening the soreness in her chest.

 

“That feels nice,” Raven said, enjoying the feeling of the Commander’s hands on her skin.

 

“This will help you breathe better; I assure you,” Lexa said, putting the ointment away and cleaning her hands.

 

“I know, I trust you, I just wish you relaxed a little, you have been wearing your worried frown for a few days now, and don’t get me wrong, it’s really cute, I’d just rather see you unconcerned,” Raven said, waiting for the Commander to look up and meet her eyes.

 

“I will be well when you get well,” Lexa said strongly, pouring Raven a glass of water and making her drink it.

 

“It’s just the flu, Lex, there is no reason to worry,” Raven said, knowing that had been the wrong thing to say when the Commander looked back at her with a sad expression on her face.

 

“It starts as just the flu and then it gets worse, things get complicated, and before long there is nothing to do. People die from the flu, Raven, I have seen it.”

 

“That’s not happening to me, Lex, our medicine won’t allow it, in a couple more days I will be as good as new,” Raven said reassuringly, finally understanding.

 

“Yes, you will be, I am making sure of that,” Lexa said, pulling the blanket up to Raven’s shoulders before standing up and leaning down. “May I?” She asked, brushing her thumb over Raven’s heated cheek.

 

“Yes,” Raven said, feeling the Commander’s lips make contact with her cheek before turning towards the door. “Try not to worry, okay?”

 

“Go to sleep, Raven,” the Commander said, completely ignoring the omega’s comment as she left the room.

 

……………………….

 

Raven was sitting in the tub, not enjoying it quite as much because the hot alpha that was usually in it with her had refused to get in, and was instead kneeling next to the tub with her sleeves rolled up to her elbows.

 

“Don’t look at me like that, please,” the Commander said as she ran the sponge gently down Raven’s back.

 

“But I want to lean back against those gorgeous abs of yours,” Raven said, giving the Commander the biggest pout she had ever given anyone in her entire life. The alpha couldn’t take it, turning away from Raven to avoid looking at her face.

 

“You need to go back to bed, if I get in with you, we will take too long to get out,” Lexa said, using a wooden cup to let water run down Raven’s back, taking away the left-over soap.

 

“Why? What did you plan on doing when you got in?” Raven said, a smirk firmly in place as she watched the Commander blush and scramble for words.

 

“Nothing, I have a council meeting, I can’t afford to waste time getting changed again,” the Commander said, avoiding Raven’s eyes as she continued to rinse the soap from her body.

 

“Hey, I don’t think I have said thank you for all of this, you have made sure this flu thing doesn’t suck as much, and I really appreciate it.”

 

“No needs for thanks, Raven, we are responsible for the things we tame, yes?” the Commander said, looking up at her with a tiny smile on her lips.

 

“Yes, we are. Still, there is no harm in a thank you.”

 

“I feel like every moment with you is a gift that life is giving me, please, don’t thank me, not for this,” the Commander said, her voice unwavering and sure, her eyes as soft as the smile on her lips.

 

And yes, Raven was sick, she was tired, she probably looked awful, but what could she do in that moment? What could she do… other than kiss her?

 

There didn’t seem to be any other logical responses to that question, so before Lexa could react Raven was wrapping her arms around her shoulders and pressing a searing kiss to her lips. Her eyes stayed closed as she sighed contently into the Commander’s mouth, her hands gently massaging the back of her neck as she continued to gently suck her bottom lip with both her own.

 

“I thought you were trying to not get me sick,” the Commander said, dazed and out of breath, her face inches away from Raven’s as she gently nuzzled her nose against the omega’s.

 

“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, pressing another kiss to her lips, gentle, chaste, a peck and nothing more, “you forced me to kiss you.”

 

“What?” the Commander asked, the sheer terror in her voice telling Raven she had definitely chosen the wrong words. She tried to pull back but Raven kept her in place, keeping her hold tight around the alpha’s shoulders.

 

“No, no, no, shit, I’m sorry, what I meant to say is that I couldn’t not kiss you after what you said. I wanted to kiss you so much I just couldn’t stop myself.”

 

“Oh, okay,” Lexa said, her whole being seeming to deflate in relief, “I’m sorry, my mind went somewhere else.”

 

“I know exactly where it went, and I am sorry, I used the worst words possible,” Raven said, letting her lips rest on the Commander’s in a sweet kiss. “I really enjoy kissing you, you need to know that if I’m doing it, I’m surely having the time of my life.”

 

“Yes?” the Commander asked, still hesitant, she felt like the rug had been pulled violently from under her feet, and getting back into gear was proving to be a little bit difficult.

 

“Yes,” Raven said with finality, “if it was up to me I would have spent the last couple of days kissing you everywhere, all the time,” she whispered right by Lexa’s ear, knowing the alpha was affected when she held onto Raven’s hands and pulled them off of her body.

 

“Stop, we can’t do anything like that,” Lexa said, standing up to look for a towel.

 

“Why not?” Raven asked, breaking into a coughing fit a few seconds later. Lexa just gave her a look in response. “Okay, but as soon as I am not sick.”

 

“As soon as you are not sick,” Lexa responded with a nod, wrapping Raven in a towel and picking her up. The omega wrapped her arms happily around Lexa’s neck, pressing her forehead against the side of her face.

 

“You are so strong, it’s really hot, you know?” Raven asked, glancing at the alpha’s profile with a smirk, watching the alpha’s tiny ear turn pink.

 

“You are beautiful, Raven,” She said, as she placed her gently on the bed. The Commander then glanced towards the nearest window, trying to tell what time it was by the position of the sun. “I must go now, but I will send Lana in so she helps you change. May I?” the Commander asked as she leaned down, receiving a nod in response like she always did.

 

“I will come see you very soon, okay?” the Commander said, placing a kiss on Raven’s cheek.

 

“I know you are busy and I am fine, don’t stress about it,” Raven tried, but as usual, the Commander ignored her comment.

 

“Rest, Raven.”

 

…………………….

 

She woke up to the nice sensation of something cool been pressed against her forehead, she blinked her eyes open with a smile, looking up to see Lexa running a cloth over her skin while exporting a massive bruise over her cheekbone and a split lip. The nice sensation from before vanished all at once and in seconds Raven was cupping the Commander’s face in her hands.

 

“Lexa, what the hell happened?”

 

“Aden hit me across the face with his weapon, he is better than I was at his age,” Lexa said fondly, as she moved her hand down, running the cloth gently down the omega’s neck and collarbones. She was very slow, very gentle, making sure all the droplets of sweat were gone, making sure Raven would be comfortable. 

 

“Or maybe you were falling asleep while fighting him, you are tired, Lex, you can barely keep your eyes open,” Raven said, looking up at the Commander’s swollen and bloodshot eyes, the dark bags under them casting her face in shadows. She knew the Commander had been in no state to take care of her, not when she was barely recovered from her own illness, but there had been nothing anyone could have said to dissuade her from doing it.

 

“Your fever has broken,” Lexa said, ignoring Raven’s comment, she would never express how tired she was. Knowing that Raven’s fever was breaking was already making her feel better.

 

“Hey, don’t ignore me, I get to worry about you as much as you worry about me, you need a nap,” Raven said, brushing her thumb over the large bruise on the Commander’s face without pressing into it, the last thing she wanted was to hurt the alpha.

 

“I have to give a lesson to the Nightbloods within the hour, Raven, I am well.”

 

“An hour is more than enough, get in here,” Raven said, pulling the alpha into bed, the Commander didn’t even take her coat or her boots off. She laid down on the edge of the bed and soon enough Raven was cuddling up to her side, resting her head on the Commander’s chest and wrapping an arm around her middle to keep her from getting up.

 

The Commander smiled contently, letting out a sigh as she wrapped her own arm around Raven’s back.

 

“Sleep,” Raven ordered, pumping out comforting pheromones to help the alpha fall asleep.

 

With the comforting warmth of Raven’s body over her own, and with her sweet scent filling her chest Lexa’s eyes fell closed, putting her quickly in a deep sleep.

 

……………….

 

Lexa had placed the armchair out on the balcony, making sure to put it back inside the room if it started raining. At night she would grab a blanket and sit down on it, and with Raven comfortably perched on her lap she would wrap the blanket around the both of them. They would talk about the stars, about asteroids and comets, about constellations. And sometimes, when Raven’s throat would be particularly sore, they would not talk at all. They would just sit there, keeping each other company until they were both too sleepy to stay up any longer.

 

On that particular night Raven wasn’t as exhausted as usual, her fever had broken earlier, she didn’t feel as sore and she could breathe fine, she was better, the Commander had made sure of it. She had been in the middle of talking about Rigel, one of the stars belonging to the constellation of Orion, when she lifted her head from Lexa’s shoulder and looked at her, the bruise on her cheek and her swollen lip painfully evident under the light of the moon. She had been falling asleep, Raven could tell, but after feeling the omega’s gaze she blinked quickly, trying to pull herself from the grip of unconsciousness.

 

Raven smiled at her, the sight of a sleepy Heda was so impossibly adorable. Her face slack, free of all signs of stress or worry, her lips just slightly parted as soft breaths moved in and out. Raven loved seeing her so calm, so relaxed.

 

“Looks like it’s time to go to bed, Heda,” Raven said, pressing her hand over the Commander’s bad shoulder and rubbing gently, massaging the weakened muscles until the Heda was humming in content.

 

“No, forgive me, it is not my intention to fall asleep on you.”

 

“It’s totally fine, let’s go to bed.”

 

“No, we have been here for less than 10 minutes, I enjoy listening to you speaking about the stars,” Lexa said, lifting her hand to rub at her eyes with it, Raven intercepted her wrist and held it over her lap.

 

“You are tired, I can tell you these things another time.”

 

“Forgive me, it is too easy for me to sleep when I’m with you,” Lexa said, her eyes sleepy and tired as she looked back at the omega.

 

“Yeah?” Raven asked, her eyebrows arching in surprise as a smile spread across her face.

 

“Yes, for me falling asleep has always been hard. When I was young and alone, having no one to look after me, falling asleep was dangerous, anything could happen when I wasn’t looking. I tried to resist as much as I could, to fight it, I wouldn’t fall asleep until my body shut down without my permission. I guess that part of me never truly left… Most nights it takes me a few hours to fall asleep, sometimes it doesn’t happen and I lie awake until morning, some other times there’s the nightmares… but now… these last few days… with you… I fall asleep so fast… I truly don’t mean to, the last thing I want is for you to think that I am bored, or that I am not interested in what you are saying-”

 

“Hey, hey, wait, don’t go there,” Raven said, cupping the side of Lexa’s face and brushing her thumb over the shell of her tiny ear. “I didn’t think that you found me boring, I just assumed you were really tired, which I can understand, given that you have been taking care of me, keeping up with your duties and trying to recover at the same time… It’s a lot, I am actually glad me being here helps you sleep better.”

 

“You talking to me makes it even easier, I am very fond of the sound of your voice.”

 

“Yeah?” Raven asked, her voice made softer still with Lexa’s words, “Let’s go to bed then, I’ll tell you all I know about the Constellation of Orion.”

 

Lexa nodded her head, securing her hold under Raven’s knees and behind her back before standing up with the Mechanic safe in her arms.

 

They laid in bed together, resting on their sides as they faced each other, Raven went on and on about stars, watching as her voice and words did their work on the Commander, making her eyelids fall just a little heavier with every blink.

 

“Don’t fight it, don’t fight it, remember what I told you a while back? You will see the stars when you close your eyes, you will see the sun.”

 

“The sun, yes,” Lexa said in a sleepy mumble, her eyes falling shut as Raven moved a little closer, letting her forehead touch the Commander’s. “Wake me if you need anything, yes?” She asked, making Raven smile in endearment in the process.

 

“I will,” Raven lied, knowing Lexa wouldn’t let herself fall asleep otherwise, and knowing that the Commander would wake up either way if she moved out of the bed. “Sleep,” Raven said, feeling the Commander nod and her breathing even out quickly after.

 

Raven pulled up the furs and tucked them under the Commander’s chin, moving as close to her as she possibly could without disturbing her and closing her eyes. She felt asleep quickly after.

 

………………….

 

The next day Lexa woke up early, hours before Raven would awaken, she felt well rested, and in the early morning she was stricken by clarity. Her thoughts aligned all at once as she made a decision, she would protect her friendship with Raven, she would keep it safe from Titus, from whatever and whoever else may get in the way, and most importantly, she would keep it safe from herself.

 

Lexa got out of bed carefully, doing her best to not wake the omega and reached for her journal, opening it and going back several pages. She reached the entries she had made during her stay in Skaikru, particularly, the pages she had written the morning after Raven had brought her the Star Lamp to help her sleep. 

 

She ran her fingertips over the words for a moment before she started reading.

 

_Cos,_

 

_Something changed inside of me when I saw the artificial lights of the stars reflect in her eyes. It is not something I can describe, but the abrupt manner in which the world seemed to tilt on its axis reminded me of my time as a Second, of how a twig would snap under my foot if I didn’t walk carefully enough. In a way, this is the same, I don’t know when, or how, but at some point I stopped being careful around her. My steps became heavy, I lost my way and I stopped looking where I was going. I stepped on a twig and it snapped, loudly, it only took a second, my foot falling a little too hard over the wood, the sound of it breaking echoing in my ears. One day, if I continue to walk so carelessly, I might fall face first into the abyss, and there will be no salvation._

 

_I don’t have any other way to explain it, when I saw the light in her eyes, the delight in her smile, something inside of me snapped, suddenly, unexpectedly. She smiles oh so easily, fully, wide… I feel like the sun is rising every time she does it, it is frightening me, I am willing to do anything to see that smile, to be the one provoking it, to be the one she thinks of when she’s joyous enough to smile like that._

 

_I believe that to be my favorite thing about her. No, I am sure. All she has to do is smile at me and I will surely fall to my knees at her feet. When did this happen, Cos? How did it happen? She’s loud and blunt, she’s rebellious and fun, she is also very kind and will offer her help in whatever way she can. She is strong, and I can see the courage that burns in her heart, with the heat of a thousand suns, every time I look at her._

 

_What did I do to deserve having such a magnificent creature caring for me?_

 

_I think it is safe to say that I don’t deserve her, but I can’t help but want her, we have been getting to know each other for what feels like a lifetime. I know I don’t know all of her yet, but I think I know who she is, I think I know her heart, I think she has shown it to me, willingly. She has shared her passions with me, her passion for her work, for the stars, her drive to help others. She is a burning sun, Cos, bright and warm, full of life. She is a star, and as she explained to me, stars die._

 

_Every person I have ever loved has been lost to ruin and death, you, Anya, Gustus, my brothers and sisters… She almost dies by my hand, by my orders, and she stills has found a way to care for me… **a little bit** , she said, isn’t that unbelievable? Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it the most precious gift?_

 

_I’m afraid these feelings that bloom beneath my breast will be her doom, her ruin, her demise. I’m afraid that by loving her I will be signing her death sentence. When all of this started, I thought it would never be more than carnal bliss, but after knowing her, how could I not become weak for her?_

 

_Having her feels like life is giving me a gift, and still, caring for her the way I do will only put her in danger, what will become of me if tragedy falls upon her? What would become of all living things if the sun was suddenly gone? They would perish; and I am afraid, because I know with certainty, that the remnants of my heart would wither away, like flowers left in the dark, if I were to lose her._

 

Lexa sighed, her heart racing as she looked at the pages in front of her, as she stared down at the reflection of her feelings. Nothing like that could ever happen, not if she wanted to keep Raven safe. They would be what Raven wanted them to be, friends, with the benefit of sexual release whenever the omega wished for it. Lexa would never endanger that, threaten what they had with her feelings, feelings that the omega probably wouldn’t reciprocate, feelings that could make her pull away. No, Lexa couldn’t let that happen, after all, the only reason she had allowed herself to share her bed with Raven was because she was absolutely certain that the omega could never love her the way only one person had loved her before. It was impossible, especially after everything Lexa had put her through.

 

She was lucky Raven had even offered to be her friend, she could not jeopardize that with her feelings, there was no need for that, Raven already gave her more than she deserved, she was happy, she was content with what they had and Lexa would never ruin it by asking for more, expecting Raven to love her in ways she didn’t deserve to be loved. No, having Raven as her friend was more than enough, and she would protect that, yes, she would keep what they had safe from everything, including her own feelings.

 

“If you keep thinking that hard you will make your brain bleed,” Raven said from the bed, her voice partially muffled by the pillows surrounding her head. Lexa was quick to put her journal away, making sure no one could see it. “Your loud thinking woke me up.”

 

“Forgive me,” Lexa said as she walked over to the bed and laid down next to the omega. “I didn’t mean to wake you, how are you feeling?”

 

“I feel much better, but wait, don’t distract me, what’s going on with you?”

 

“Nothing, I was just reading my journal, helps me keep my thoughts clear,” Lexa said, keeping her tone clear as she tried not to feel guilty for lying, she hated not been able to tell Raven the truth, but it was too much of a risk, she couldn’t lose her, she couldn’t.

 

Raven frowned in concern, incorporating herself slightly to be able to see Lexa better.

 

“You sure? If you need me to blow someone up for you just say it, I’d be thrilled to help you out,” Raven said, feeling pretty proud of herself when the Commander smiled.

 

“Yes, I am sure, do not worry.”

 

“That sucks, I was wishing to shove a bomb up Titus ass, watch him go boom, you know?” 

 

Warm spread over the omega’s chest at Lexa’s quiet laugh.

 

“Thinking about your hands anywhere near his behind is rather disturbing,” Lexa said, making Raven’s face twist between disgust and laughter.

 

“Ew, Lex, there’s no way I’ll be getting that out of my head now!” Raven said, making them both erupt in quiet laughter.

 

Lexa watched her, radiant under the soft rays of the morning sun, beautiful in a thick sweater with her hair messy and with pillow marks over her cheeks, happy as she described in vivid detail what would happen if they somehow managed to put a bomb inside Titus body. Lexa already knew she couldn’t lose her, but moments like those only made the feeling stronger.

 

“He is not so bad,” Lexa said, knowing that Titus meant well. She then tried to suppress a smile at the unimpressed expression on Raven’s face.

 

“He tried to mess with us, he didn’t give you pain meds when you needed them, he has let women inside your rooms knowing you did not agree to it, he could have gotten you killed, he is a fucking asshole and he doesn’t care about anything other than the flame or whatever. I would kill him if that wouldn’t create an even bigger mess for both of us,” Raven said, watching as the Commander went pale, her eyes widening in horror as the pallor on her face gave away to a greenish tone. “You would have to kill me, wouldn’t you?” Raven asked, even if she already knew the answer.

 

The Commander didn’t say anything, she just stayed there, frozen in fear as she looked back at Raven.

 

“I would never put you in that position, I promise,” Raven said, pulling the Commander into her chest and drawing light circles on the back of her neck. “I just hate that no one truly has your back here, I hate that he is so ready to hurt you for the sake of the greater good.”

 

“It’s fine, Raven, I can take care of myself,” Lexa said trying to ease the omega’s worries and at the same time feeling so warm inside at Raven’s protectiveness.

 

“Sure, you can,” Raven said, her voice dripping with sarcasm, “You shouldn’t have to, you don’t have to, I got your back, okay?”

 

Lexa looked up, her eyes meeting intense brown ones. The Commander could feel her heart racing in her chest, the back of her eyes stinging.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Don’t thank me for that,” Raven said, placing a soft kiss on the Commander’s forehead. “The good thing about not killing Titus is that I can fantasize about killing him in different creative and innovative ways,” Raven said, smiling to herself when she felt the Commander’s own smile against her neck. 

 

And Lexa was sure then, she could not endanger what they had. She would protect it, from anyone, from anything…

 

… from herself.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you guys react to knowing that Lexa has known about her feelings for quite some time now?
> 
> Give me all your thoughts in the Comments please!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry about the long wait, I wanted to tell you about some things that are going on here so you give me your opinion on a few things. So, I'm on my last semester of University which means that I'm doing a practicum of sorts, I'm working from 8-18, which is a big change from just having class a few hours each day, after that I have therapy once a week and gym the rest, which means that I make it home around 20-21. I know you probably don't really care about any of this but the point is that I don't have as much time to write as I did before, which is why I want to know if you'd like shorter but quicker updates, or normal lenght updates that would take longer to come? I know this update took the usual month, but that wouldn't be the case for the next while. A normal lenght update, the ones you have been getting for as long as this story has been going on could take up to two months, maybe more. So please, let me know in the comment section if you'd rather get shorter updates or wait the two months.
> 
> Like always, thank you about the comments, I love them, I'm really happy all of you are liking this story, I think this work has only been getting positive feedback and that's a new and very pleasant experience for me. Let me know what you are thinking!!!
> 
> I hope you are all have a great day/night.
> 
> See you in the comments!

“Which one is your favorite?” Raven asked, eyeing the various types of weapons that were laid out in front of the Commander. They were in a section of the Markets that was close to the tower, there were fewer people around there, and those who were close were soldiers. The Commander had been called to review the new weapons and Raven hadn’t missed the chance to ask to come along, the Commander hadn’t seen a problem with it and so there they were, looking at daggers, swords, knives, bows and so on.

“A Commander must be proficient with all weapons,” Lexa said distractedly, as she picked up a particularly beautiful sword, it’s blade long and thin, Raven didn’t need to touch it know that it was sharp enough to cut her skin. The Commander held it up, seeing how it felt in her hand, how heavy it was, how balanced.

“That’s not what I asked,” Raven said with a small smile, watching Lexa’s tiny frown of concentration as she made a few movements with the sword. That particular look was impossibly endearing and Raven had to restrain herself from stealing a kiss in the middle of the markets.

“The sword is the Commander’s traditional weapon,” Lexa said then, her eyes not moving away from the sword in her hand.

Raven walked towards her and grabbed her hand, making the Heda lower her sword, once she looked up the Commander’s eyes met her own.

“Again, that’s not what I asked,” Raven said, watching the Commander frown in confusion. Fuck. She was so gorgeous. “I know you mostly carry swords and daggers, I have seen you carrying two swords strapped to your back, but I want to know which one is your favorite weapon, the one you would choose to wield if tradition didn’t make you use a sword.”

“Oh,” Lexa said, blinking quickly in understanding, “forgive me, I’ve not been asked that before, come,” she said, guiding Raven towards a long table where various bows of different shapes and sizes were laid out.

“Really?” Raven said with a smile and an arched eyebrow.

“Heda is particularly deadly with a bow,” the man standing behind the table said, he was the one who made the bows, Raven assumed. “Heda is always deadly, but even more so when she is given the chance to take aim.”

“Is that so?” Raven asked with a smile, turning to look at the man with interest.

“Yes, Heda never misses, not with the bow, not with knives. I saw her throw a knife into a man’s neck once, she was not close.”

“Shit, how the hell do you aim for the neck, though? Can’t be easy,” Raven asked, looking back at the Commander, not even trying to hide how impressed she was.

“I aim to kill, hitting central mass does not guarantee death, unless I aim for the heart that is, because of that I usually aim for the neck, or the head, eyes mostly. The wrists and thighs are good choices, too, people do not die immediately, but without medical attention, they bleed out in a few minutes,” the Commander said, her tone deadpan and flat, emotionless, her eyes dark. Raven knew that tone, and it wasn’t usually directed at her, she couldn’t help but think she had done something to upset the Commander.

“Can you give me a moment to speak to your Heda in private?” Raven said, turning to bowyer.

“Yes, of course, you may go inside my hut,” he said, guiding them towards the door.

Once they were inside Raven faced the alpha, who was doing a very good job at avoiding her eyes.

“What’s going on? Is it because we are in public?” Raven asked, tilting her head down so her eyes would meet Lexa’s. “You don’t usually speak to me like that, it isn’t rude or anything, it’s just weird, and I want to know where it is coming from.”

“It is nothing, merely a senseless thought,” Lexa said, her eyes meeting Raven’s for a second before they moved away.

“I doubt you are even capable of having senseless thoughts,” Raven said, tilting the Commander’s chin up with her fingers. “What is it?”

“I know I am a monster, I am conscious of it, and still, I do not want that to be what you see when you look at me, it is foolish,” the Commander said, looking away.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Raven said, her face shifting into a frown as she cupped the Commander’s face in her hands, “Where the hell did that come from?”

“Killing is easy for me, Raven, I am good at it. I have lost count of how many people I have killed in my life, of how many people have died because of my decisions… I know what I am… I just wish I could be something different in your eyes, it’s foolish, forgive me,” Lexa said, looking away once more, her jaw clenched tight under Raven’s hands, her hands curled into fists at her sides.

“You know it would only take a couple of my bombs to bring your tower down, right?” Raven asked, her tone steady and calm as Lexa’s eyes turned to look at her. “I just need one night- No, forget that, I just need a couple of hours to walk into a village and drop a couple explosives around, then I could just walk away, set them off from afar, and just like that I would wipe them all out. I make weapons of mass destruction, Lexa, weapons that kill people instantly and when they don’t, they make them lose their limbs. Sometimes, if someone is too close when a bomb detonates there is not even a body left-”

“Raven-” Lexa tried to say.

“No, you need to listen to me,” Raven said, stopping to breathe for a moment, “I have killed people too, I know it is a monstrous thing to do, I know it, but it has always been an attempt to protect the people I care about. I know it is the same for you, I know you don’t go around killing people for pleasure, you do it to keep your people safe. And if that makes us monsters, then that’s what we are, but make no mistake, that’s not what I see when I look at you.”

“But it used to be, yes?”

“Yes,” Raven responded honestly, “it was.”

“What made you think differently?” Lexa asked, trying to hide the flashing pain in her eyes.

“Being around you, seeing what it entails to fulfill your position, seeing how fragile it actually is... You have the weight of the world on your shoulders, and I truly wish it was an exaggeration, but it is not. You are just doing the best you can, I see it, and if people don’t, they are just being idiots,” Raven said, looking up at the Commander with a smile and gentle eyes.

“Thank you,” Lexa whispered, leaning in to press her forehead against Raven’s, feeling grounded just by being there, in Raven’s presence.

“No need,” the omega said, leaning closer to bring the alpha into her arms, resting her head on Lexa’s shoulder. “Let’s go back outside, maybe you could show me how to shoot a bow, or how to throw a knife.”

“Would you like that?”

“Yes, for sure, will you?”

“Of course, it takes time and practice, and you would need to strengthen your upper body,” Lexa mentioned, there were light bows, but an untrained body wouldn’t resist holding it up for long.

“Will I get biceps and shoulders like yours?” Raven asked, biting her bottom lip as she ran her fingers over the Commander’s upper arms, almost feeling the tight corded muscle underneath. “You are so strong, it’s really fucking sexy.”

“You are already beautiful, Raven and your arms are already lean and toned, I’m sure you will be able to handle yourself well with the bow, some strengthening training is just always recommended,” Lexa responded curling her arm around Raven’s waist and flattening her hand over the omega’s back, running it gently up her spine before moving it down once more.

“Good to know you find me provocative enough,” Raven said with a smirk, “why don’t we go outside before we end up having sex on that table over there?”

“Would you like that?” Lexa asked, her eyebrows arched as if she was actually considering it.

“I would, I’m a little tired though so maybe that wouldn’t be the best idea,” Raven said, watching Lexa frown in concern.

“Are you feeling unwell?”

“No, not unwell, I feel much better, I just don’t think I have the energy to do that quite yet,” Raven said, “We can give it a shot if you want to, though.”

“Of course not,” Lexa said, tightening her hold around Raven’s waist. “I don’t need that, I just want you to feel better, I could ask one of my guards to take you back to my quarters, I need to finish this but I would go visit as soon as I am finished.”

“No, no, I’m well enough to keep you company while you do this,” Raven said with a smile, the feeling of the Commander’s hand on her back was actually making her feel quite loose and sleepy. “It’s nice to see you out and about doing something that doesn’t stress you out as much as everything else.”

“I’m not stressed.”

“Believe me, the face you have on when you are with me is not the same face you wear after a meeting with the ambassadors, and it for sure isn’t the same face you had while simply reviewing weapons,” Raven said with arched eyebrows, brushing her thumb gently over the Commander’s cheek.

“Of course it is not the same, you are my friend, they are not. I could never see them how I see you, you are special to me,” Lexa said, her fingers tapping a short pattern on Raven’s back, four soft taps.

Raven groaned, tilting her head back as she bit the inside of her cheek, when she looked up the Commander was gazing at her with an amused smile.

“Allow me to guess… I can’t say things like that?”

“Exactly,” Raven said, holding gently onto the back of the alpha’s neck before leaning in to kiss her. Lexa’s plump lips welcomed her warmly, they were soft and pliant under her own, gentle in the way they moved, sweet in the way her tongue brushed shily against Raven’s.

“You give the most spectacular kisses, you know?” Raven murmured, her eyes still closed, her mind foggy as her lips continued to tingle.

“No, but I am pleased to hear that, I thought my lack of practice during the last few years would be noticeable.”

“Not at all,” Raven said, placing a final chaste kiss over the Commander’s lips before pulling away. “Let’s go, yes?”

“Yes.”

……………………………………..

“Archery is about balance, Raven,” Lexa said as she circled the omega, standing a few steps away with the bow high in the air, her elbow pulled back as the inside of her right hand brushed against her cheek. She was ready to let the arrow fly, but Lexa would not allow it, she was just circling her, sometimes in silence, sometimes talking, sometimes stopping to fix Raven’s stance if she were to falter. That had been going on for the past 5 minutes, Raven’s arms were burning, shaking with the weight of the bow, trembling with the strength it took to pull at the string.

She wanted to shoot the damn bow, but Lexa wouldn’t let her.

“Balance here,” she said as she pressed her fingers over Raven’s temple, “and balance here,” she said as she motioned at Raven’s body with her hand. “You might have a target in sight, but that does not guarantee that you will hit it, you have to take distance into account, temperature, you have to think about the wind, it can always send your arrow flying somewhere else, and you cannot think about any of that if you are busy wondering when I will finally let you shoot the bow.”

“I was not thinking about that,” Raven lied through her teeth, breathing hard as she refused to lower her arms.

Lexa hummed in response, an amused smile on her lips as she stood behind Raven, fixing her stance once more, moving her elbow back to position, lifting her arm slightly, poking her back so the omega would straighten.

“You don’t need to hold this so tightly,” Lexa whispered, her breath tickling Raven’s ear as she placed her hand gently over Raven’s own, “relax your hand, take a deep breath, clear your head, think of nothing but the target, now… let go.”

Oh. Shit.

“That’s not so bad, is it?” Raven said, eyes slightly wide as she watched the arrow, buried deep in the edge of the target, one more inch to the left and she would have missed.

“No, Raven,” Lexa said with a smile, “that’s not so bad. Do you want to try that again?”

“Sure, sure, let’s do it.”

\--------------------------------------

“I think I can’t feel my arms,” Raven said as she threw herself face first on Lexa’s bed.

 

“I told you to take a break,” Lexa said as she took off her boots, sitting beside the omega.

“You had fight training with the Nightbloods, what else was I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Visit the markets, try to fix the machinery I got with the sole purpose of keeping you entertained during your stay here, go to the clearing where the children play-”

“Okay, okay, I get it. I wanted to be around you, though,” Raven mumbled against the furs.

“I’m going to grab you now, okay?” the Commander said, waiting until Raven hummed in approval before she held onto the omega’s shoulder and rolled her around until they were facing each other. “I’m sorry I can’t spend all my time with you, I know that when I come back from my duty, I’m tired and we don’t get time to spend much time together.”

“Don’t apologize, I know you are busy, the time I do get to spend with you is more than enough.”

“Yes?”

“Yes,” Raven said with a smile, “let’s lay down, my arms are useless right now, maybe I should go train with you.”

“I think that would be a good idea, it would give me peace of mind to know that you would be able to keep yourself safe,” the Commander said, taking her coat and her pants off, laying down only in her undershirt and underwear.

“Is that something that concerns you?” Raven asked, rolling onto her side to face the alpha.

“Of course, Raven, I’m constantly concerned about your safety, I am unable to choose when I am most worried. When you are with your people, who know nothing about life here, who rely too heavily on their guns, who have poor knowledge about the land and how to move on it; when you are here, next to me, I can look after you, but at the same time me being a target makes you one by extension; when you are traveling between here and Arkadia, on that vehicle, so uncomfortable and unstable on this terrain, fast, yes, but such speed could always make an accident so much worse-”

“Okay, okay, I get it, stop before you make your brain bleed,” Raven said with a small smile, pressing her fingers over the tiny frown on the alpha’s forehead until it disappeared. I didn’t know you were so worried.”

“How could I not be?” Lexa asked, “I care about you, Raven, immensely.”

“I know, I know, don’t get me wrong, I just… you already have so many things to worry about, I wish I didn’t add to that burden,” Raven said gently, her thumb drawing tiny circles over the Commander’s forehead.

“You are many things to me, Raven, a burden is not one of them. I am glad I can still feel this way about someone, I thought the version of me that could do that had died in the blur between one war and another.”

“The version of you that can feel which way about someone?” Raven asked, her eyes fighting to find green ones in the dim light of the early night.

“The version of me that can care deeply about someone without it being related or tied somehow to my duty. I care about you because of who you are and because of who you are to me, there is no other motive, no agenda. It makes me feel more like a person, more like… someone. I don’t know if there’s any logic behind those words,” the Commander said, getting a little shy towards the end.

“Of course there is, I understood, and you have always been a person, you have always been someone, maybe lately all you could see of yourself was the version of you that your people need, the version of you that you were obligated to be, but the person you are when you are not being Heda was always there as well. I am happy I have been reminding you of her,” Raven said, burying her fingers in Lexa’s soft hair as she gently massaged her scalp.

“I am happy about that, too.”

………………………….

“I am afraid you must go back to your people, Raven,” Lexa said one morning about a week later. Raven had been just waking up, finding the alpha perched at the edge of the bed, sitting by her side and looking back at her with a sad expression.

“What? Why?” Raven asked, incorporating herself and pushing the heel of her hands against her eyes to try and chase the sleep away.

“I must travel, and I don’t want you to be here in my absence, I do not believe it to be safe. Forgive me,” Lexa said, her head tilting down, her neck seeming to cave under the weight on her shoulders.

“No, no, it’s fine. I’ve been here for quite some time, I’m sure my people have been missing me,” Raven said, cupping the side of Lexa’s face with the palm of her hand, brushing her thumb over a prominent cheekbone.

She wasn’t lying, Abby had been asking about her return for quite a few days, and Raven always gave her a bullshit response about still being tired after getting sick. She was pretty sure Abby was no longer buying it but she didn’t say anything about the blatant lie either.

“I’m sure whatever you have to do is important, I wouldn’t ask you or expect you to neglect it.”

“Thank you,” Lexa whispered, turning her head to the side to place a kiss on Raven’s palm.

“It’s fine, I’ll go get ready, okay?” Raven said, leaning in to place a soft kiss on Lexa’s cheek before getting up.

Once she was changed and with her bags packed Raven sat beside Lexa on the sofa.

“I reached out to Abby, she already sent the Rover, they should get here late at night, we can go as soon as they get here.”

“Is that safe? I can delay my departure for a day, we can both leave tomorrow morning,” Lexa asked, worried about Raven making such a trip in the middle of the night.

“It’s fine, we traveled at night when we had to take you back to Arkadia for your appendix, it’s not awesome but it’s not unsafe. I can try to catch some sleep on the way there.”

“Okay, please spend the rest of the day with Marcus, do not leave his side, I will leave some of my most trusted gonas with you, but still, to be safe, stay with Marcus,” Lexa said, her tone serious and strong, leaving no room for questioning.

Raven thought it was a little too much but preferred not to say anything about it, feeling Lexa’s concern vibrate between them like static. If having her stay with Marcus and having a bunch of guards following her around gave Lexa some peace of mind then she would allow it.

“I will, don’t worry, I will make friends with your guards and everything,” Raven said, watching as the Commander's lips lifted a little.

“Thank you, Raven,” the Commander whispered, leaning forwards and stopping just shy of Raven’s face, waiting for the omega to close the gap between them.

Raven leaned forward and rested her forehead against the Commander’s, allowing them both to feel each other close.

“Don’t forget to take your meds with you, yes?” Raven said, knowing that Lexa was still in treatment and that even if her bouts of exhaustion and tiredness came few and far in between, they were not completely gone.

“Yes, I believe Lana already packed them.”

“Remember to take them then,” Raven said, “you are not allowed to get sick or hurt, and you are for sure not allowed to get killed, okay?” 

“I will do my best so that doesn’t happen,” Lexa said with a small smile, leaning in to nuzzle the bridge of her nose against the omega’s. “Do not concern yourself with my safety.”

Raven seemed to melt at the gesture, her eyes fluttering as she wrapped her arms around Lexa’s shoulders.

“I will stop being concerned when you stop dying every five seconds.”

“Okay, I’ll see what I can do.”

“Good,” Raven said, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to the Commander’s lips. “I’m leaving a radio with you just so we can communicate more frequently,” Raven said, pulling the black object from one of her bags and showing Lexa how to use it. “Here, you switch this knob to the right to turn it on, then you press this button and start talking, you must keep it pressed while you talk and only let it go when you are finished and let the other person answer. Got it?”

They practiced for a little while, Lexa catching how to use it pretty much right away.

“Does that mean we won’t send each other letters?” Lexa asked, placing the radio safely on her lap.

“We still can do that, I like the letters,” Raven said with a smile, “I like having something to look forward to, it is always exciting.”

Lexa smiled, her eyes light with joy.

“I look forward to them, too. I have a gift for you,” Lexa said then, patting the box that was placed on the table in front of them.

“Oh, you didn’t have to give me anything,” Raven said, looking at the big wooden box, it was more like a case, long, but not too thick.

“I wanted to do this, please, open it,” Lexa said, motioning Raven towards the box.

The omega opened it and found inside a beautiful dark wooden bow, a leather quiver, twenty arrows, along with an arm guard and a finger tab.

“Wow, the bow is gorgeous Lex, thank you.”

“No need for that, Raven, I don’t know when we will see each other again and I don’t want you to lose practice now that you have started to learn. You show promise, I am sure you will get to be a good archer if you take your time to keep learning. This is a bow for beginners, next time we see each other I will see how you are doing to judge if you can move to a better one.

“I will practice every day, thank you for all of this. I’ll be so much better next time we see each other; you will be impressed. And the bow is great, I know it,” Raven said with a smile, squeezing Lexa’s hand in her own.

“I have also contacted Indra, she will send one of her best archers to continue your training, unless you prefer doing it on your own.”

“Oh, well, I don’t know, I wouldn’t know how else to practice besides shooting it at a non-moving target. I think it’d be best if I had someone to show me how to improve, but at the same time I wouldn’t want to take anyone from their jobs and their life just to teach me.”

“It won’t be a problem, TonDC is close to your camp and the lesson would only take an hour or two, it wouldn’t be a problem.”

Someone knocked at the door then and a current of trigedasleng echoed across the room.

“I guess, this is goodbye, then,” Raven said, and Lexa, with the stars in her eyes and a soft smile on her lips, shook her head.

“Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting,” the Commander said and Raven looked up at her, head tilted to the side, those words seemed oddly familiar.

“I think I have heard that before, have I?”

“It is from a book, Peter Pan, it is Aden’s favorite,” Lexa said, smiling slightly at the mention of the young Nightblood.

“I didn’t think they would be allowed to hear stories like those,” Raven said, eyebrows arched and mouth slightly agape in surprise.

“What Titus doesn’t know will not ail him. The Nightbloods deserve to have at least a small part of their innocence preserved.”

“I agree. Let’s not say goodbye then, never.”

“Never. I will be longing to see you, Raven, be safe.”

“You too,” Raven said as she wrapped her arms around the Commander’ shoulders, holding her tight to her chest and feeling the Commander’s arms curl around her waist and squeeze gently, head leaned sideways against Raven’s. “Go now before I make you late.”

Lexa only nodded in response, leaning back just so she could place a soft kiss to Raven’s cheek. Before Raven could return the gesture, the Commander was already on her way to the door. Raven thought about stopping her, making her turn back, but she knew that if she did, she would never let her leave.

……………………….

_ “Raven, Raven, are you awake?” _

The omega jerked into awareness in an awkward movement, she tossed and turned on the bed, trying to find the radio. Her elbow bumped into something hard, sending tiny electric waves up her arm. In seconds the radio was in her hand, she cleared her throat before answering, knowing that Lexa would never forgive herself, and would never reach out for her so late at night if she found out she had woken Raven.

“Yeah, Lex, I’m right here, can’t sleep?” Raven asked, they had kept up the tradition of talking before bed. It was something Raven wanted to do, even more so when she knew it would help Lexa fall asleep and truly rest well for the night.

Just hours prior she had felt the Commander fall asleep on the other end of the radio, but now she was awake once more. Weird.

_ “I woke up, a dream… it wasn’t bad, I don’t think… I woke up and your scent has completely faded. I know you left two weeks ago, but now that I can no longer sense your scent, I feel like you are truly gone,”  _ the Heda said quietly, leaving Raven mute.

She wasn’t entirely surprised, not really, Lexa had been away from Polis for three days after Raven had returned to Arkadia, and during those two nights, neither of them had slept well. Lexa hadn’t been able to fall asleep, no matter how long Raven spoke to her on the radio, she managed to doze off sometime around sun up, which meant that someone would fetch her in one or two hours at most; and Raven had taken the liberty of sleeping away the mornings that followed those nights.

At first, Raven had thought the problem was being away from Polis, because the Commander seemed capable of falling asleep fast enough once she was back at her Tower, with Raven’s voice coming through the radio. But at that moment Raven realized that it wasn’t about the tower or the bed, or being in the place the Commander considered her home. It was about her scent, it drenched the Commander’s furs, maintaining the illusion that Raven wasn’t as far away as she actually was, but now that scent had faded, was gone, seeming to take Raven’s presence away with it.

“I’m right here, you know that,” Raven whispered, her heart aching, feeling suddenly so cold in her scratchy sheets and surrounded by metal.

_ “I know, it is a foolish feeling, it does not make sense.” _

“Don’t say that, I don’t think it is foolish, the distance really sucks. We have to figure it out somehow,” Raven said, knowing that Lexa wasn’t the only one affected, her nightmares were making a comeback. They weren’t as frequent as before but they came often enough to make her feel quite tired each day.

_ “I wouldn’t ask you to leave your people again, you already spent such a long time here. I couldn’t ask for more.” _

 

“I know, and I know you coming here without reason is not an option, at least we have this, right?” Raven said, not seeing many options, she didn’t know how appropriate it would be to just show up in Polis whenever she felt like it. It didn’t seem wise after what Titus had told Lexa last time she had been there.

_ “Yes, this is more than what I hoped for, hearing your voice helps.” _

“I can say the same, I’m happy I can check on you whenever and make sure you haven’t gotten your ass killed.”

_ “There hasn’t been any assassination attempts in quite some time, Raven, all is well,”  _ Lexa said slowly,  _ “my organs do not seem to be bursting inside my body, either, I am quite satisfied with their behavior.” _

Raven couldn’t help but let out a low chuckle, hearing Lexa try to be funny was always a pleasant surprise and Raven loved it.

“Yes, I’m happy they are working as they are supposed to as well,” Raven said, a smile loud and clear in her voice.

_ “Did I manage to make you smile?”  _ Lexa asked quietly after a beat of silence.

“You did,” Raven said, hearing the alpha hum in content, the sound making a shiver run down her spine.

_ “If I close my eyes, I can almost see it,”  _ Lexa whispered, her voice hoarse and low with exhaustion.

“Somehow, I can feel it in my whole body, when you make me smile… it's like a soft tingle, a warmth that moves under my skin…”

_ “That’s how I feel when you smile at me…”  _ Lexa mumbled, and Raven smiled to herself, knowing she was succeeding in helping the alpha fall asleep.  _ “It’s just like sunlight.” _

“Yes, that’s it, it feels just like sunlight, the kind that comes in the early morning, it’s very gentle, very soft, it washes over your face and it’s okay, it doesn’t burn, it makes your eyes shine so bright...” Raven whispered, hoping and wishing that the other woman would finally fall asleep.

_ “And yours… they turn gold… like fire… in your eyes, _ ” Lexa mumbled, her voice fading after a couple of words. Raven kept talking, just to fill the silence, just to make sure Lexa wouldn’t rise again, and when she got nothing but silence as the answer, she knew she had succeeded.

………………..

“Can you tell me exactly why you have been wearing the same sweater for the past two days?” Octavia said as she plopped down next to Raven on her workbench. Raven’s workplace was overflowing with her pheromones, so much so that it seemed deliberate, like the omega was pumping them out to fill the place.

“I just want it to be really soaked in my scent,” Raven said, only half paying attention as she tried out Koa’s new brace.

“And why is that?”

“Lex has been having some trouble sleeping, we kind of got used to sleeping together, I guess. And now that I’m here she’s having a bit of a hard time, I’m hoping having a few sweaters and stuff with my scent will help, like tricking her brain into thinking I’m there when I’m not.”

“Right,” Octavia said, her eyebrows arching up to her hairline in surprise. “Why don’t you just go visit?”

“I came back just a couple of weeks ago, and Titus hates my guts, I don’t want to make things difficult for her.”

“Hmmm, this being friends with the Commander thing seems to be working out pretty well, yes?”

“Yeah,” Raven said, not turning to look at Octavia, but the young warrior could still see the pretty smile that had unconsciously made its way across Raven’s face. “She’s pretty great. I wish people here would take the time to see that.”

“I heard that she personally took care of you when you got sick, I’m not a huge fan of hers, but I’m willing to give her the benefit of the doubt,” Octavia said, her last comment finally making Raven turn around to look at her.

“That’s pretty cool, O, I appreciate it. I just… I don’t want her to feel so out of place here, this is where my life is and I want her to feel welcome, that’s all.”

“I get it, I think, and if I can help with that I will do my best to not give her the cold shoulder next time she is around,” Octavia said, wondering exactly how long it would take for Raven’s relationship with the Commander to move forward, she could see that it was just a matter of time.

“Thanks, O, I know how people see her and there’s a lot more to her than that, I can promise you that.”

“And I believe you, I’ll do what I can to see it too, alright?”

“Yeah, that’s all I ask. Let’s go have some lunch, yes?” Raven said wiping her hands on a dirty rag before standing up.

“Sure, I’m pretty much dying here.”

………………………..

_ “I got your package today… I… thank you, Raven,” _ Lexa said, as she regarded the small pile of shirts and sweaters the omega had sent her.

“No need for thanks, I just hope it helps.”

__

_ “I know it will, and even if it doesn’t, I appreciate the gesture, knowing that you are trying to help me… Only knowing that means a lot to me.” _

Raven smiled to herself, trying to ignore the pang of sadness that came with Lexa’s statement. She knew no one really tried to help Lexa, the people who helped at her tower made sure she had everything she needed, that she was well fed, that she had the proper clothing, that she had a nice place to sleep, but anything other than that was out of their hands. That’s why every little thing Raven did seemed to matter so much.

“It’s fine Lex, they are just a couple of shirts, we will see if it helps tonight, yes?”

_ “Yes, thank you.” _

……………………….

“I just wanted to let you know that today Koa was walking on his own, no crutches, no walkers, just him and his brand-new brace,” Raven said, barely able to contain her excitement as she threw herself on the bed.

_ “Those are very good news Raven, is he in any pain?” _

“He probably feels a little sore and a bit awkward but he was so happy, Lexa, he was so freaking happy. His leg was pretty much useless before and now he can put his weight on it. It feels like it’s been so long and he has been trying so hard in physical therapy. He will get even better at doing this in a few more weeks, you will see,” Raven said, smiling widely as she unbuckled her brace and let it drop to the floor.

_ “I’m very pleased to hear that, those are excellent news. Jackson has been evaluating some children and a few adults with similar issues, soon I will have to speak with Chancellor Griffin, alleviating their pain is important to me.” _

“Sure, sure, maybe we could figure out some sort of program. I’m sure we will need help now that winter is around the corner. Maybe we could do an exchange of sorts, a trade, we provide medical care for those who need it, and you help us with food and proper clothing,” Raven suggested, just telling Lexa the first thing that came to her mind.

_ “It is an interesting idea, I would have to speak of it with the Ambassadors first, but I strongly support it. Would you speak to Abby about this for me? I don’t need you to arrange or define anything, just to see how willing she would be to do something like this, I am not sure how something like this would deplete your medical resources.” _

“You can count on it, I’ll just mention it in passing and see what she thinks,” Raven said with a smile, “Does this mean that you could maybe… possibly come around to speak to Abby about this?”

_ “It is a possibility, however, it is also part of the duties of an ambassador to act as a bridge of sorts to facilitate communication in a matter such as this.” _

“Oh,” Raven said, trying to not sound too disappointed, “yeah, of course, that’s the whole reason Marcus is there, right?”

__

_ “Yes, it is. That does not mean that Abby can’t send someone of her trust, someone who is close to the issue, who has knowledge of what must be done to support Marcus here in the Capital,” _ the Commander said slowly, knowing that Raven would understand.  _ “That is also an option.” _

“Oh, really?” Raven said, amusement in her voice as she played the fool. “I think there’s this woman that Abby is training, maybe she could be sent to the capital.”

_ “Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Raven,” _ Lexa said, her tone not the slightest bit reprimanding.

“Did I make you smile, though?”

_ “Yes,”  _ Lexa said immediately.

“Then you might call my mind weak all you want, I don’t care.”

_ “I would never dare to say such a thing, it couldn’t be further away from what I think about you.” _

“Yeah?”

_ “Yes, it is in your mind where I can so often find refuge.” _

Raven clutched her eyes shut, holding the radio tight against her chest, a funny feeling, bright and warmth making goosebumps flood her flesh. It was very hard to try and think of a past moment where she had felt so good about herself. Lexa’s statement was loaded, was meaningful, held words and feelings and thoughts Raven couldn’t begin to understand. And even without fully comprehending it she knew it was something precious.

“You can’t say things like that,” Raven whispered, her stomach dropping at the cold, bitter realization of the impossibility of giving Lexa a kiss. “Much less when you are so far away.”

_ “It is the truth, Raven, I cannot withhold it from you. Words could never be enough, but right now they are the only thing I have to try and show you how much I cherish you.” _

Raven let out a breath, surprised by how shaky it was, by how tight her chest was feeling.

“I know, and it means a lot to me, it is just very hard when you are so far away and I find myself not being able to reciprocate the way I want to,” Raven said, surprised by the sudden wetness on her cheeks.

_ “We will find a way to make this easier, I promise you.” _

__

“I know,” Raven said, wiping the tears from her cheeks with a swipe of her hand.

_ “Please, do not cry, not for me, please. I won’t ever manage to sleep knowing I made you feel this way.” _

“No, don’t feel bad, this place is just really dull without you, work can get pretty monotonous. Polis was just way more energetic than this. I miss Lana, she was telling me stories about you two, from when you were little. And I miss the park, just Polis in general,” Raven said, fighting through the knot in her throat, from saying the words that would make the whole situation even more difficult than it already was.

_ “Polis will always be here for you, this city is yours, Raven.” _

“I know, I’ll go there as soon as my brain starts dying of boredom,” Raven said, even though she knew Titus wouldn’t agree with Lexa’s last statement.

_ “I will be waiting, in the meantime having this is more than enough.” _

Raven couldn’t quite agree to that.

“Well, it is nice to be able to check on you whenever I want. I have to keep an eye on you and your death wish,” Raven said with a smile. Lexa wasn’t familiar with the expression and so she took it quite literally.

_ “I do not wish to die, Raven, not now, I have lost that desire.” _

Raven felt her mouth fill with bitterness.

“You have wanted to die?” Raven whispered, not quite a statement, not quite a question.

_ “Yes,”  _ Lexa said with not much preamble, _ “I have wanted to die a few times along the course of my life, though I never entertained the thought of making it happen.” _

“Why not?” Raven said, her vocal cords felt like they would snap with every word.

__

_ “My life does not belong to me, it belongs to my people.” _

“I know why you are saying that, but I can’t agree with you. You said you have lost that desire, how did that happen?”

_ “Lately I have been reminded of the beauties of life, and I have found myself wanting to do a few things, for myself.” _

“Oh,” Raven said, feeling pleasantly surprised, “that’s nice to hear, what do you want to do?”

_ “I want to show you the ocean, I know you saw it from space, but I’m sure seeing it up close will be different. I want you to feel the sand under your feet, I want you to feel the water hitting your calves, I want you to smell the salt in the air and to hear the sound of the waves hitting the shore. I believe you will smile once you see it.” _

“It does sound pretty epic, and you can count on me, whenever you think we can make that possible just tell me where I need to go and I will be there. Do you like the ocean?” Raven asked, feeling warm inside, Lexa was not only visualizing the future, her future, no, she was also seeing a future for the both of them.

_ “I do, you will understand once we are there, one breathes differently near the ocean. It makes me happy to think of taking you there.” _

Raven felt her heart flip.

“I’m looking forward to it already, the stars must look amazing right by the shore.”

_ “They do, Raven, they do, will you show me all the constellations once we are there?” _

“It’ll be better if we try to find them together, don’t you think?”

__

_ “I’m not quite sure I can do that.” _

“That’s okay, I’ll help you, let me tell you just a little more about them, just to refresh your memory…”

……………………………………….

“Lex, why is Lana here?!” Raven said excitedly, an arm comfortably wrapped around the handmaid's shoulders, the younger girl blushed adorably, smiling up at the omega. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy to see her, I’m just surprised.”

_ “You said you missed her,”  _ Lexa said simply.

“I know, and I did miss her, but you didn’t have to send her here,” Raven said towards the radio before turning to face the girl. “Did you want to come? Did she just send you here without asking if you wanted to?”

“No, Heda asked me if I would be willing to come here and keep you company for a few days, I said yes,” Lana said, her eyes slightly wide.

_ “See, Raven? I did ask. There’s nothing to worry about.” _

“But did you actually ask? Sometimes when you ask for something it still sounds like an order,” Raven asked, noticing Lexa’s hesitation in her lack of response.

“Heda did ask, I wanted to come,” Lana said then, “I have been with Heda for a long time I can tell when she is asking even if it sounds like an order.”

“Okay, good. Who will take care of you, though?” Raven asked, knowing that Lana pretty much kept all the Commander’s basic needs covered.

_ “I am not a child, Raven, I will survive in Lana’s absence. There are also many other handmaidens within the tower, a few of them will cover Lana’s duties while she is away. I don’t want any of you to worry, I just wish for you to have a good time, yes?” _

“We will, thank you, Lex, this is really nice. I will take good care of Lana while she is here.”

_ “I know you will, Raven. There is something I need to take care of right now, I will contact you tomorrow,” _ Lexa said, not giving much of an explanation about what exactly she needed to do in the middle of the night.

“Okay, I’ll be looking forward to it, bye Lex.”

……………………………………….

“Would you teach me how to braid hair, Lana? I have seen you taking care of Lexa’s hair before, and I’d like to know how to do it,” Raven said as she sat on her bed with the young handmaiden. Raven had spent the day introducing the girl to movies, knowing that with her knowledge of English she would be able to enjoy them a little more than Koa did.

“I can teach you, we will have to start with something simpler though, Heda’s braids are intricate, to be able to do them you need to know how to make simpler ones first, and even then I’m not sure Heda would let you do that for her,” Lana said, looking thoughtful as she sat in front of Raven.

“Why wouldn’t she?” Raven asked with a frown, she had touched the Commander’s hair several times.

“Allowing for someone to braid your hair carries a lot of meaning in our culture,” Lana said, running her hand absentmindedly over her own braids.

“How so?”

“Allowing someone else to braid your hair means that you will let them get physically close to you, you will give them your back, leaving yourself blind to their actions. It means that you will give them access to your neck, to have it right under their hands and with you unable to see what they are doing…” Lana trailed off, but Raven heard the implications behind her words either way. Having someone braid your hair meant giving them the chance to slit your throat, and you wouldn’t see it coming.

“It’s about trust,” Raven said.

“Yes, it’s about trust, which makes it so intimate. In our culture mated pairs braid each other’s hair and no one else, mothers braid their pup’s hair, siblings may braid each other’s hair as well if they have developed a close bond. And those with no mate, with no mother and no siblings, braid their own hair. Exceptions are only made if a person develops such an intimate bond with someone else, a friend, one that you would consider your own family even if there is no blood tying them together,” Lana explained slowly, trying to find the best words to help Raven understand. “Only Nomon braids my hair, I would allow Heda to do so for me as well, but because of her position I would never dare ask.”

“I understand, I think,” Raven said, frowning to herself for a moment, “you are the only person allowed to braid her hair, then?”

“Nomon and I, she is the one fulfilling my duties while I am here. She is the only person Heda trusts to care for the Nightbloods, other handmaidens help her, but Nomon always oversees what they are doing. Nomon was there when Heda was first brought to the tower, she was her primary caretaker until her ascension. You might have seen her in the tower.”

“Maybe, but you need to introduce us properly, I’d like to meet your mom,” Raven said, receiving a nod and a small smile from Lana. “Has anyone else gotten to braid Lexa’s hair, besides you and your mom, and Costia, I assume?”

“Anya, no one else, not Gustus, not Indra, not Nyko or any of the healers, not even Titus,” Lana said, giving Raven a meaningful look.

Raven swallowed hard, they had killed Anya, hadn’t they?

“Maybe Heda will let you do it at some point, after all, she has allowed you to stay by her side while she is asleep,” Lana mentioned, and Raven understood without much of an explanation. Killing someone while they are asleep was probably as easy as killing them when they are giving you their back, if not easier. The first few times she slept with the Commander, Lexa would wake up after every little movement, if Raven so much as brushed against her the Commander would wake up a hand under her pillow reaching for a hidden knife.

Since they had erased the space in the middle of the bed it was different. Raven didn’t know exactly why, but Lexa wouldn’t be as alarmed and ready to attack, she would realize the weight against her chest was Raven and then she would tighten her arms around her, asking if she was okay, or if she needed anything.

“If she trusts you enough to fall asleep in your presence maybe one day she will trust you enough to let you braid her hair. Maybe we could ask one of your friends to come here, I could show you a few simple braids and you could practice as well.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll see if Octavia is free, or maybe Harper.”

“Okay.”

……………………………………….

_ “Have you been outside lately?”  _ the Commander asked one night, filling the silence they had fallen into, pulling Raven out of the grasp of sleep.

“I have, there’s almost no green, everything looks reddish and brown, it’s quite pretty,” Raven said, clearing her throat and rubbing the back of her hand against her eyes, trying to chase the sleep away.

_ “It makes me think of you,” _ Lexa said, and Raven was suddenly stricken by treasured memory.

**“My life is always the same, it’s about my duty and about my people, but if you tame me it’d be like the sun shining on me. Here, the Fox says his life is monotonous, boring, but if the Little Prince decided to tame him it’d be as if the sun came to shine on his life. I believe it would be the same for me. The meaning of things would change, the bark of the trees, the earth itself, the fall leaves and the pine cones, they make me feel nothing, but once you tame me it all will change. When I see them, I shall think of you, of the color of your eyes, and autumn shall become my favorite season instead of spring, do you understand?”**

“Does it?” Raven asked, knowing exactly what the Commander was trying to say even if she wasn’t saying it.

_ “Yes, it does. I have started collecting fall leaves, the most beautiful ones, I will send them to you soon. I think of you when I am walking outside, it is easy to see you, to imagine you in this scenery, you fit so perfectly.” _

“Does that make things easier or harder?” Raven asked, looking up at the ceiling and feeling very aware of the beat of her heart as she waited for Lexa to answer.

_ “Both, somehow. It brings me good feelings, but it also makes me more aware of your absence.” _

“I think I get that. We should add it to the list of things we look forward to, spend the fall together, all of it.”

_ “I would never ask you to spend so much time away from your home.” _

“You are not asking, I’m offering, I think it would be okay, time goes faster in Polis. It’s been getting quite cold as well, so I’d rather be there and have you around to cuddle up to,” Raven said with a smile, curling up into a tiny ball in the middle of her bed, pulling the sheets up to her neck.

_ “There is no getting cold inside of your camp, Raven, the inside of Arkadia always feels the same, it is mildly disturbing.” _

“I’d rather be cold with you than artificially warm here, you know I love lying back against those gorgeous abs of yours,” Raven said, closing her eyes as she tried to imagine the warmth that radiated from Lexa’s chest as it pressed flush to her back.

_ “The winter can be quite harsh, Raven, you would be more comfortable within Arkadia.” _

“I’m sure you would keep me warm just fine Lex, there’s no doubt in my mind.”

_ “I would do my best.” _

“I know. Even if I know it will be colder than ever, I’m quite excited about seeing the snow, most of my people are.”

__

_ “It can be a nice experience; I wish to hear all about it once you get the chance to see it for the first time. _

“I’ll let you know right away, if it turns out to be awful you will have to deal with my rant about it.”

_ “You know I enjoy listening to you talking, this will be no different.” _

Raven couldn’t stop smiling to herself, she bit her lip and let out a low groan.

“One day you will get sick of my voice.”

_ “That’s not possible, Raven, your voice is one of my favorite things about you.” _

“I know, I know. I like your voice too though, so maybe we could try to get you talking more while I listen.”

_ “I’m not sure, there’s not much for me to say.” _

“There must be, it doesn’t have to be something particularly relevant, I’d just like to hear about your day.”

_ “Can we try this another day? I spend the day surrounded by people, people who expect me to fix everything for them. To be here, in bed, just listening to you talking it makes the noise in my head disappear for a few moments.” _

“I get it,” Raven said, feeling a little sad for the alpha, back in Polis after a day of dealing with problems all day they could be quiet together, they could just lay down, or sit on their armchair and do nothing together, but being apart meant that Raven’s sole presence could not quiet the noise in the Commander’s head, it meant that she had to talk, to try to quiet it with her voice. “Have I told you about Saturn’s moons yet?”

_ “No, I would remember.” _

“Okay, let’s see…”

………………………………………….

“Lexa!” Raven said excitedly, already amused by what she would say next. “The trees are fully naked now!”

_ “They are,”  _ the Commander said, smiling at the peculiar thing Raven had just said,  _ “winter is here. Did you receive the supplies I sent you?” _

“Yes, we are all very thankful, Abby especially, the people didn’t want to stay locked up inside for the next few months, so having proper clothes is amazing. The food is great too, we will do what we can to preserve it for as long as possible. Are you sure your people are okay with this though?”

_ “Yes, the absence of the fight has allowed us all to prepare better, they all offered what they could spare, none of my people shall go hungry this winter. I would never allow for you to go hungry, Raven.” _

“I know, I’d rather go hungry for a bit than getting you in trouble though,” Raven said honestly. Knowing that Lexa’s Ambassadors could decide to kill her was a horrifying thought, one that made her sick. The only thing that made her anxiety somewhat diminish was knowing that Marcus would never vote for that.

_ “Don’t worry about me, Raven, you are my people, it is my duty to look after you. I won’t get in trouble for doing what I am supposed to do. Did you get the package I sent specifically for you?” _

“I did, and I really do not need any more clothes. Really, Lex, I appreciate it, but this is too much.”

_ “I know your clothes and I know they are not proper for winter; I sent many pieces because I do not wish for you to wear the same winter gear every day for the next few moons. Skaikru clothing is made with extremely thin fabric, it is not durable and going out in the cold only wearing them will make you sick.” _

“Okay, okay, I get it, you must be right, I guess,” Raven said, knowing well that she was getting preferential treatment, every member of the Skaikru had gotten proper winter clothing, provided by the Heda, but she had gotten a box as tall as her waist worth of clothing, and she knew for a fact that they were new, not second-hand items like most of the others had been. “I’m sure we will do just fine over the winter, don’t stress too much about me, okay?”

__

_ “I’ll try, did you like the clothes? I can get you new ones if they were not to your liking.” _

“They are perfect, Lex, love them all, the sweaters are super warm and cozy, they are my favorites for sure. The boots are amazing too.”

_ “Good, will you let me know if you need anything else?” _

“I will, you already covered everything so I don’t think I will be needing anything else, thank you for everything.”

_ “It’s okay, Raven, no need for thanks, I’m pleased to help you.” _

…………………………..

“Okay, do you remember that I was super excited about the snow and that the first day it happened I was really happy because it is pretty and nice and everything that I could have hoped for?”

_ “I do, you seemed to be very fond of it, why? did you change your mind?” _

“Well, I am not sure, it just keeps piling up and it makes it really hard for me to walk, the cold also is making the pain in my leg flare-up. The sun is barely around these days and that is getting pretty depressing really quickly, there’s also the ice, I feel like it’s out to kill me, I already stumble around as it is, but slipping on ice is definitely not fun. My lips are getting chapped all the time and my skin is really fucking dry. There’s also the fact that the cold somehow makes the wood stiffer so I’m worried about my bow all the time and when I’m outside practicing I’m always freezing and my hands Lexa, my hands! I feel like fingers are going to fall off. I hate this.”

Only silence came from the other end of the radio, Lexa didn’t say a thing, and for some reason, the Lexa in Raven’s mind was smiling.

_ “Why do I feel like you think this is really funny?” _

_ “Please, do not believe that I’m taking pleasure in your misery, it’s just… a week ago you were telling me the winter scenery was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen and that the snow was gorgeous and nice, and that you couldn’t wait to throw snowballs at your friends, and now…” _

“Now I sound like I’m about to cry,” Raven said, pouting so hard it hurt, she only wished Lexa could see it.

_ “Do not worry, Raven, I will send you some things that will make it all easier. And winter has its benefits, you will learn to appreciate it with time.” _

“What benefits? I can’t think of anything.”

_ “Travelling is harder, people seem less inclined to leave their homes, there are a lot less petty issues for me to take care of during winter. The smell of pine is really nice and the hot drinks my people trade in the markets are delicious. Winter is also very quiet, Raven, very quiet. Life for me is usually very agitated, but during the winter it tends to slow down. During winter I usually worried about the Azgeda, the temperature there goes extremely low during this season and they have become good at moving through the snow and handling the temperature. Sometimes they had snow for half of the year, so during the winter their soldiers had an advantage over us.” _

“But this year you don’t have to worry about them so there’s only the quiet,” Raven said with a smile, wishing more than ever to be next to Lexa, to share what the Commander was feeling in that moment.

_ “Not worrying would be foolish, but the threat is significantly less with the Queen gone, so yes, the quiet is more prominent now.” _

“I wish I was there, I wish I could share this quiet with you,” Raven said, knowing that her hand would be a lot less cold if the Commander’s was wrapped around it.

_ “We are sharing it, Raven, you are the only person with whom I can share this feeling, I wouldn’t tell anyone else about how I’m feeling right now.” _

“I know, but it would be better if we were physically close.”

_ “I’m sure it would, but this is more than what I have had in years. Even if it is through a radio I have you with me every day, Raven, isn’t that wonderful?” _

“It is,” Raven said, her throat closing up, “I’ll be here whenever you need me, you know that, right?”

_ “I know, Raven, thank you. I’ll be here when you need me and when you don’t, at any time, okay? I know that sometimes I can’t answer immediately, but I will be here as soon as I can.” _

“I know, Lex, I know,” Raven said, trying to erase the tears from her voice, the last thing Lexa needed was to hear her crying. “Can I tell you about some winter traditions from the Old World?”

_ “Please, I’d be happy to listen.” _

Raven spoke until her throat hurt, until her mouth was completely dry and her eyes were falling shut with exhaustion. She talked until she physically couldn’t, wondering how she could say so many words and keep quiet the ones she truly wanted to say.

**_I miss you._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!!
> 
> Let me know how long do you think it will take for these two fools to just talk about their feelings.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, with this chapter we begin the shorter and quicker updates, this chapter is not as short because a lot of it was pre-written so that's nice. However, I have had a really shitty week, which is why I don't think I did the greatest job editing this, I always suck at editing but this chapter might be a little worse in that department than the rest, sorry about that. I decided to update anyway because the chapter has been pretty much done for almost four days now and I didn't want to keep you waiting longer than necessary.
> 
> Thank you for your lovely comments, they really brighten up my days,
> 
> Let me know what you think about this chapter,
> 
> Hope to see you in the comments, and hope you have a great day/night.

 

“You seem… bored,” Octavia said as she leaned against the doorframe, looking into Raven’s room. Inside, the omega was lying in bed, holding a radio close to her chest with an arm thrown over her eyes.

“Worried would be a better word for it,” Raven said, not bothering to move. Octavia smiled and walked inside, sitting next to her friend.

“What is it?” Octavia asked, nudging her friend’s leg until Raven uncovered her eyes and sat up.

“Lexa has been quiet for a few days now. We talk at least once a day, at night, but it’s been almost four days since she last spoke to me. It’s just not like her.”

“Oh,” Octavia said, looking at Raven with a knowing expression. “You should have asked; I know where she is.”

“You do?” Raven said as she sat up. “Where?”

“Up north the winter is being rough, there have been a couple of raids. In some towns the food reserves have been taken so the Commander is traveling around the surrounding villages trying to figure out what they can spare so that she can take it to the undersupplied village,” Octavia said, tilting her head to the side as she watched Raven’s expression fall.

“She must be out of range, then,” Raven said and Octavia nodded in agreement.

“I would guess so, she probably didn’t know that would happen, so she didn’t get to tell you she’d be away for some time. That village is quite far from here, almost bordering Azgeda.”

“Sucks,” Raven said as she rolled onto her front and buried her face on her pillow.

“You miss her,” Octavia said, the words coming out like a statement more than a question.

“If you are about to lecture me about how I am not supposed to get close to her and that she is going to betray me and so on you can save it, O. I am not in the mood,” Raven said, feeling quite annoyed.

“No, it’s not that, I told you I would try to be more welcoming towards her,” Octavia said. “I just can see you are having a rough time and I am your friend so we can talk about it if you want.”

Raven sighed and rolled over again, uncovering her face so she could look at the other omega.

“I was there for some time, O, and when I left, I knew that we would talk constantly or that I could reach out and she would be there. Talking to her became part of my day and we are animals of habit, it is weird not to have her around, it’s science. And she just disappeared out of nowhere, for who knows how long, and near the border with Azgeda, which is the most violent Clan there is…” Raven sighed again and threw an arm over her eyes, she just wanted to know if Lexa was okay.

“You could have just said that you missed her,” Octavia said, understanding in her eyes as she laid down next to Raven. The Mechanic rolled her eyes and smacked Octavia’s leg.

“I do, O. No need to rub it in,” Raven said.

“I am sure she misses you as well,” Octavia said and Raven turned her head to look at her.

“Yeah?” Raven asked, sounding unsure.

“You care about her and I think she knows that. You are all she has. I mean, when you strip away everyone and everything that relates to her duty, there is only you left. If she misses anyone, it has to be you,” Octavia said, placing a comforting hand on her friend’s arm.

“I am just being stupid, I know she misses me, she has told me. I’m just being silly.”

“She has actually said the words?” Octavia said, surprised.

“Not quite like that, but the meaning is the same.”

“Interesting, I am quite curious now. How does the big bad Commander say I miss you?” Octavia asked, getting another eye roll from Raven.

“She says she wishes she could spend time with me more often, she says she thinks of me often, that something will happen and that she would just want to share it with me, things like that, but she never says I miss you. She says she longs to see me...” Raven said and Octavia gave her a teasing smile.

“What about you? Have you told her that you miss her?”

“Well, of course not, I have told her this place is super boring without her, though,” Raven said and Octavia laughed.

“Can you tell me how did this happen?”

“Well…” Raven said, letting out a long sigh. “It was just sex, or at least that’s what I wanted it to be. She is good looking and an excellent bed partner, but she would never leave in the morning, I don’t know why, maybe that just isn’t how grounders do things, but she would always stay and we would end up talking. It didn’t happen often but when it did, we always would spend the rest of the night talking. There are also the letters, getting to know her. I just… I didn’t think there was someone as lonely as me, I didn’t think it was possible, but she is alone, truly alone, at least she was until before we became friends.”

“You felt alone here?” Octavia said with a frown. Raven looked away for a moment before looking back at Octavia.

“I did, I still do when Lexa isn’t here. Everyone has someone, you have Linc and Bellamy, Jasper and Monty have each other, and as complicated as their relationship is Clarke has her mom. And we are friends, for sure, but I feel that after the Mountain everyone closed off, including me, and none of us made an effort to have a conversation that wasn’t somehow shallow,” Raven said, shaking her head and feeling quite unsure of what she was saying, not knowing if it made sense. “With Lexa it is different, she is good at listening and she doesn’t judge, I can say anything and I know she won’t look at me differently. Here it is not the same, I feel like here everyone has an opinion about everything you do so I don’t feel like I can share, and yeah I am loud and outspoken and even blunt, but some things are a little bit more sensitive and that I don’t want people judging me for because I know there’s no way they’d understand.”

“And Lexa understands?” Octavia asked, her face serious as she looked at her friend. Raven turned her head to look at her and nodded.

“Yes, she does. Sometimes she judges herself very harshly, but she has never done that to me. She is very respectful, tells me I can speak freely, but knows when not to push, she is always very honest and she always looks at me the same no matter what I have done or what I say to her,” Raven said, unknowingly smiling. “I know she is away, as she often is, but I feel like I can rely on her. And I know she is busy, I know it, I can feel the exhaustion in her voice when she reaches out through the radio in the middle of the night because she couldn’t answer earlier, but she still takes the time to listen to me talking about whatever I did during the day, whatever shitty thing I ate, whatever machine I fixed. And she is into it, she doesn’t just listen, she always asks more questions and it makes me feel like she is interested, you know?”

“I am glad she is being good to you. I guess I just want you to know you can talk to me, too.”

“O, you really were a total ass about Lexa and I sleeping together,” Raven said and Octavia threw her head back with a groan.

“I know, but can you really blame me for thinking she is going to hurt you?” Octavia said, arching her brows just slightly.

“No, I can’t blame you for that, but I can blame you for not letting me make my own choices. I am not stupid Octavia, I know who she is, I know the kind of decisions she has to make regularly. I know she could hurt me, I know it, and I am willing to risk it anyway.”

“Yeah, but why?” Octavia asked, not quite getting it.

“Because everyone we love can hurt us, our friends, family, our lovers, all of them can hurt us because we love them, that’s the way things are,” Raven said and Octavia looked back at her with slightly wide eyes.

“So, you love her?”

Raven took a moment to answer, but she knew what her response would be all along.

“I do, she is my friend.”

“Okay,” Octavia said. Raven turned to look at her slightly surprised.

“Okay?”

“Yeah,” Octavia said, shrugging. “I am still going to kill her if she hurts you, though.”

Raven laughed.

“As if you could get a hit in,” Raven said, laughing even louder at her friend's baffled expression.

“That’s just rude.”

The Mechanic continued laughing.

…………..

Raven’s soul almost escapes her body when she saw someone sitting in an armchair by her bed in the middle of the night. She had just gotten up to the bathroom when she found the Commander, sitting there, asleep, and still with her armor on.

Raven’s face split into a smile, she hadn’t spoken to the Commander in over three weeks.

Raven settled herself gently on the Commander’s lap, not surprised in the slightest when the Heda woke up either way.

“Raven,” The Commander said, her eyes sleepy as she peered up at the omega. “I am happy to see you.”

“I am happy to see you, too,” the omega said, pulling the alpha into a gentle hug, the Commander’s shoulder pauldron poking her arm. Lexa responded in kind and wrapped her arms around the omega. “Why didn’t you get into bed with me?”

“I didn’t know if I had permission to do so,” Lexa said as Raven started fiddling with the buckles of her armor. “You were asleep and I wasn’t about to violate your space like that.”

“You wouldn’t be violating anything, from now on you have permission to get into bed with me,” Raven said, pulling the Commander to her feet to be able to pull her pants down her legs.

“I’m perfectly capable of undressing myself,” the Commander said, though the smile on her face indicated that she wasn’t really complaining.

“We both know I do it better,” Raven said with a wink, marveling at the sound of the Commander’s quiet chuckle.

“Of course,” Lexa said, stepping out of her pants to pull Raven close to her body. The hug took the omega by surprise, but she was quick to reciprocate, holding the Commander close and burying her hand in her tight braids, she would have to undo those soon. “Forgive me, it’s been quite some time. Is this okay?” The Commander said, and even though she was apologizing, she didn’t pull away.

“It’s perfectly okay, and I agree, it’s been too long. Do you want to change into a looser shirt?” Raven asked, placing a kiss to the Commander’s shoulder before pulling back. The Commander’s undershirt was quite tight. 

“Yes, I’ve been in these clothes for far too long,” Lexa said, pulling her shirt over her head as Raven turned away to walk towards her closet.

The Commander had sent her quite a big package with the start of winter, the box had been filled with mostly clothes, coats, long-sleeved shirts, jackets, and sweaters. They tended to be very soft, heavenly so, made with the best fabrics Polis could provide, and some of them were just slightly big, enough to be very comfy. Raven knew they were pretty enough to go out with them on and that they weren’t made for sleeping, but they were the most comfortable pieces of clothing she owned, and so she took one of them and held it as she turned back to the Commander.

The Heda was standing there, looking at her in only her underwear, having taken off her bindings. On a normal day, Raven would have been staring at her magnificent body, at her long muscled legs, the deep lines that framed her abdomen, the light muscle that made her arms look so strong, but that day Raven’s attention was quickly captured by the scars on the Commander’s body. The thick one on the middle of her abdomen, going vertically from the bottom of her breastbone and down past her belly button, Raven recognized it for the surgical cut Abby had made to take out the Commander’s spleen after being impaled by the sword. Close to it, on her side and her back, there were the scars where the sword had gone in and out, settling close under the Commander’s ribs; and finally, on her right side, there was the scar left by the appendectomy.

Raven could only stare at those scars, the smile she had had since the Commander had arrived falling slightly.

Lexa moved closer, still very much undressed, bending her knees and tilting her head down to catch Raven’s eyes. 

“What is it?” She asked gently, reaching out to hold Raven’s face in her hands, her arms stayed suspended in the air until the omega moved closer, leaving no space between them as she wrapped her arms around the Commander’s back.

“I just… the scars… you really could have died,” Raven said and the Commander frowned, clutching Raven to her body just a little tighter.

“I am here. I will always do my best to come back,” Lexa said, pulling away slightly to place a kiss on Raven’s forehead.

Raven offered Lexa the sweater silently, watching as the Commander put it on and then motioning her to sit on the bed so she could undo the braids. She wondered if taking unbraiding someone’s hair was as meaningful as braiding it, she figured it was as she was standing behind the Commander with easy access to her neck. Raven didn’t say anything, but she was careful to be extremely gentle, taking her time to undo all the braids and to caress Lexa’s scalp gently in the process.

“Lana taught me how to do simple braids when she came here,” Raven mentioned offhandedly, waiting to see how Lexa would react.

“I love your hair as it is Raven, you don’t have to braid your hair just because it’s part of my culture. Your hair is gorgeous,” the Commander said, the tension in her shoulders dissolving under Raven’s touch.

“I think braids are really cool though, I was hoping to braid your hair when I finally manage to get the whole braiding thing right,” Raven said, both of her hands stilling at the sides of Lexa’s neck.

“Of course, you may practice what you have learned so far with me, my hair is fairly long so it should be good to practice with,” Lexa said simply not knowing how meaningful her words were to Raven, how important it was for the omega to know that the Commander trusted her fully, trusted her enough to give her her back and know she wouldn’t be harmed, trusted her enough to be comfortable with Raven’s hands around her neck, trusted her enough to fall asleep next to her.

“That would be great, thank you,” Raven said, pushing Lexa’s hair to the side, exposing the column of her throat and kissing it gently. “You can braid my hair too if you want, I know you don’t need any practice, but if you ever feel like doing it you can.”

Lexa went very still and so quiet. She turned around and looked up at the omega with a downturn at the corner of her lips.

“I couldn’t do that, I wouldn’t,” Lexa said, she didn’t know Raven was aware of what it meant, but she did know that she couldn’t assume to have Raven’s trust in such a way. For the omega letting Lexa braid her hair probably didn’t mean anything, but Lexa still couldn’t allow herself to do it.

“I know what it means Lex,” Raven said softly, “and I want you to know that you can do it.” Raven held Lexa’s hands on her own and pressed them against her own neck. “I trust you.”

Raven watched the Commander’s eyes widen slightly, her eyes getting moist and very light as she clenched her jaw to hold back the overwhelming wave of feelings that came with Raven’s revelation.

“You speak true?” Lexa asked, brushing the hollow of Raven’s throat with the pad of her thumb.

“I couldn’t be more honest.”

“Thank you,” Lexa said, honest and earnest, her eyes shining with moisture as she removed her hands from Raven’s neck.

“Don’t thank me, not for this,” Raven said, giving the Commander a smile and leaning in to place a soft kiss against her forehead. “How was the trip here?” Raven asked, trying to lighten the mood.

“There was an attack when we were moving the supplies, a group of unidentified men and women tried to steal them. That’s partly the reason why I came, the radio you gave me was crushed during the fight, that’s why I couldn’t tell you I was coming,” Lexa said, lying down as Raven did the same next to her, they lay on their sides, looking at one another.

“That’s why you came? To get another radio?” Raven asked with amusement, eyebrows arched high.

“Partly, I also came because your birthday is the day after tomorrow. For a moment I thought I wouldn’t make it here,” Lexa said and Raven’s face split into a smile, her eyes going soft.

“You came all the way here for my birthday?” Raven asked, disbelief clouding her tone.

“I truly believe the day of your birth should be celebrated, and you said it is a day to be spent with friends and family so I thought it would be appropriate to come,” Lexa said and Raven could feel her getting shier towards the end of the sentence.

“Of course, I want you here for my birthday!” Raven said, moving closer to bring Lexa close. “I doubt the Wise Ones and your Advisors are happy about this.”

“What they don’t know will not ail them, my presence is not urgently needed in Polis, I can spare two days,” Lexa said and Raven frowned, pulling away slightly.

“You are only staying for two days?” Raven asked and Lexa nodded regretfully, caressing the frown on Raven’s forehead with her thumb until it was gone.

“If I stay longer someone in Polis is bound to hear about it, however, a few days of delay are perfectly normal,” Lexa said and Raven frowned again.

“A few days?”

“Yes, it took some time to get here, it would have been faster to go to Polis directly,” Lexa said, and this time she pressed a kiss to Raven’s forehead to make the frown go away.

“That sucks, I thought you would stay for a bit longer.”

“Forgive me, Raven,” Lexa whispered and the omega shook her head against the alpha’s chest.

“No, don’t say that, it means a lot that you came for my birthday, I know you can get in some trouble for it.”

“I can handle it. And I think it is very much worth it,” the Commander said and Raven felt her lips press to the top of her head.

That night, the omega slept soundly.

………………………..

“Here, see this as an early birthday present,” Lexa said as she offered Raven a small box. The omega was still in her pajamas, which consisted of only a shirt and underwear, she had just woken up to an empty bed and she wasn’t too pleased about it.

“You didn’t need to get me anything. Where were you?” Raven said, taking the box regardless of what she had just said and opening it to find some Old World mp3 player, along with earbuds and what she assumed to be a solar-powered charger.

“I was picking up your gift, I know you like music but I could not bring musicians to you so I asked for something that could make music in every trading spot that I came across during my travels. On one of them, I found this, the owner said it used to work but that one day many years ago it just stopped working. I thought there was no harm in bringing it here to see if your people could fix it,” Lexa said, watching as the device’s screen lit up after Raven pressed some button. “The one you called Monty fixed it for me. Is it to your liking?” Lexa said hesitantly, sitting down on the bed and bending her head to look at Raven’s.

“Of course, it is, thank you, I’m sorry you went through so much trouble to find it,” Raven said, offering the Commander a wide smile accompanied by soft eyes.

“It was no trouble; I was glad to find you a gift. Would you like to have breakfast in bed while we listen to some of the music inside the device?” Lexa suggested, watching Raven’s smile get bigger still.

“I would love that,” Raven said, patting the spot on the bed beside her so the Commander could sit down. Once the alpha had settled Raven grabbed an earbud and placed it inside her ear, explaining how the device worked and how music was stored inside of it before playing the first song. Nothing could compare to the look of awe in Lexa’s face after the first few notes started playing.

She had so many questions, and Raven answered as many of them as she could before Lana brought them breakfast.

………………………..

“Do you like music as well, or is it just me?” Raven asked as she scrolled down the multitude of songs that were stored in the mp3 player the Commander had found for her.

“I do like it, there’s a lot of it during the Polis festivals, some of my people sometimes play their music for the sheer enjoyment of it and nothing else. It is nice to just listen to it when I am able,” the Commander responded, watching from over Raven’s shoulder as the omega switched from one song to the next, the noise coming from the weird cable in her ear changing quickly. Raven had called them earbuds before and Lexa found them to be slightly uncomfortable, currently, one was stuck in Lexa’s left ear, while its companion remained stuck on Raven’s.

The Commander was also getting slightly distressed from Raven’s switch from song to song, so she grabbed the omega’s hand, making her fingers stop moving and letting a random song play out.

“Some people in the Old World dedicated their lives to music,” Raven mentioned as something instrumental started playing, classical maybe, she could only pick out a piano and some strings.

“Dedicated their lives to music?” Lexa asked with a tiny frown, trying to focus on Raven when the sounds from the music continued to distract her. She didn’t know exactly what she was listening to but it was beautiful, it was clear and fluid, it seemed to flow effortlessly and very fast at times. Sometimes it was soft, and slowly, gently, it continued to build until it burst into brilliant sound. Out of all the songs Raven had played during the last couple of hours nothing had grabbed Lexa’s attention as that song did, and there weren’t any words in it.

“People dedicated their lives to music because it was the thing they loved the most, because they enjoyed it more than anything.”

“That is such a strange concept,” Lexa said, feeling slightly sad as she sensed the song’s ending, only to find that another one with a similar sound was coming next. “To dedicate your life to something not because it is necessary, but because you like it.”

“Don’t know Lex, I find music to be very necessary. Well, of course, I suppose it isn’t for everyone, but some find refuge in it. In the Old World, thousands of people would come together just to listen to their favorite musician sing or play an instrument.”

“I understand Raven, however, what I mean is that music is not necessary the way food is, or water, or having a safe place to sleep. It’s beautiful, to think people could make that choice, spend their life doing what they loved, knowing that everything else was covered, that they didn’t need to worry.” 

Raven turned her head up and to the side to face Lexa, who had her head leaned back against the wall, eyes closed as she got deeply immersed in the music. She had been lucky enough to choose what she would do with her life; she spent her days doing what she enjoyed most. Lexa didn’t have that; she had the life other people had decided she had to live.

Raven leaned in, careful not to tug on the cord and pull it out of Lexa’s ear, she placed a gentle kiss on the alpha’s cheek, watching as Lexa opened her eyes and looked back at her, a smile instantly stretching across her face at the mere sight of Raven.

“I can see you being a musician,” Raven said, trying to remain serious even with the arched eyebrow Lexa sent her way. “No, really, hear me out. I would have taken an engineering major, you would have taken a music major, you would have played an instrument needed in the song you liked, strings maybe, like the cello or the violin, no, no, the piano. I can totally see your hands flying over the keys, they would look so pretty, they are already so elegant and thin, and your fingers are long too, you have really beautiful hands. We would have met, fucked, became friends, not necessarily in that order. And then during exam season, we would fuck every night to classical music, just to relieve some of the tension.”

“In the time we have known each other we have had many conversations, about your work, about the stars, about science, and you had never used as many words that I didn’t know as you did now.”

Raven laughed, leaning in and placing an ardent kiss on the Commander’s lips, tugging at the bottom one with her teeth playfully.

“I’m sorry, I’ll explain everything, okay?”

“Okay,” Lexa said, happy with the third song, as it was similar to the other two she had liked.

“Which words went over your head?”

“Engineering major, music major, cello, violin, piano, exam season and classical music.”

“Well in the Old-World people had an education system…”

Lexa spent the next few hours listening to Raven explain the Old World’s system of higher education, the different professions, and careers people could choose to dedicate their lives to. How people would have gained prestige just by going to one school and not the other.

“And you think with me being in music and you in engineering, in such different fields, we would have still met?” 

“I used to live in the stars Lexa, and we still met. I’d like to think we would meet no matter the circumstances. Like, in every possible variant of the universe we would have ended up being friends.”

“I’d like to think so too,” Lexa said with a small smile, leaning in to press a gentle kiss on Raven’s cheek. Raven smiled to herself, turning her back on Lexa and leaning against her chest. “Tell me more about this life, where would we have met?”

“Oh,” Raven said excitedly, happy that Lexa was playing along. “There are so many options!”

“Do you think you would have hated me in the beginning too?” Lexa asked softly, almost scared of delivering the question.

Raven stiffened and turned her body sideways, so her side was pressed against Lexa’s front.

“Is that hurting you now, the fact that I used to hate you?”

“No, I just… sometimes I wake up and I can’t believe this is real, there is this moment of doubt where I am afraid everything between us is only a dream. When you are in bed with me believing it is easier, but when you are not, reassuring myself is much harder. I fear that one day I am going to wake up and you are going to be gone, or that I will do something wrong that will make you hate me as fiercely as you did before…”

“Hey, hey, shhh,” Raven said softly, curling one arm around Lexa’s shoulders and resting her forehead against the alpha’s temple. “Don’t say that, you have nothing to be afraid of. I am not leaving you and I am sure I’m not capable of hating you anymore. I will hate you if you get your ass killed though, but only under those specific circumstances,” Raven said, relief blooming in her chest at the small smile that tugged at the corners of Lexa’s lips.

“You are sure?” Lexa asked, still hesitant, still unsure.

“I’m sure.”

“I’m sorry, what we have is hard to understand after being on my own for so long,” Lexa said and Raven nodded in understanding, cupping Lexa’s cheek and brushing her thumb over the soft skin.

“I know and I get it, but if you wake up wondering if all of this is a dream then grab the radio and talk to me, you know I will always answer.”

“I don’t like to wake you up,” Lexa whispered, leaning her head more heavily against Raven’s palm.

“I know but I would prefer if you woke me up instead of feeling this way for who knows how long. I want to help you feel better.”

“You already do, I’m just being foolish. I need to find a way to stop feeling this way when you are not there and I will, I promise.”

“Hey, no, listen,” Raven said cupping Lexa’s cheeks firmly and looking directly into her eyes. “We are together in this. I don’t want you to fix this on your own, I don’t want you to. I want to help you, okay?”

“You already do so much for me, I do not wish to keep burdening you, one day you will get tired of it and with reason,” Lexa said, she was concerned and getting progressively more upset. Raven frowned to herself, the only thing she did for Lexa was to talk to her, that was all, that was it and still, Lexa spoke as if Raven was moving mountains for her or something similar.

The fact that she was certain Raven would get tired of it one day was worrisome on its own, Raven understood what Lexa thought even if the alpha didn’t explicitly say it. Lexa was concerned that her problems would become too much of a burden for Raven, that one day it would become too much of an inconvenience to her, too tiresome, and that because of that she would walk away.

“Don’t say that, please,” Raven said softly, wrapping both arms around the alpha’s shoulders and hugging her as tight as she could. She held Lexa in her arms, feeling the other woman rest her head on her shoulder as her strong arms curled around Raven’s middle, hesitant hands tightening loosely around Raven’s back. “You are not a burden I will get tired of, you are my friend Lexa and that means I am responsible for you, it's like the fox said, you become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”

“I understand and I remember, it’s just…” Lexa trailed off, her voice muffled by Raven’s shoulder. The omega pulled back slightly, just enough to look at the Commander in the eye. “Responsibility sometimes might feel like an obligation, and that is not something I want for you. We are bound by the ties of friendship, that is true, and there is nothing I value more, but I still want you to feel free even while being tied to each other by our friendship might imply otherwise.”

“Refusing to commit to someone is not freedom, it is cowardice and I refuse to be a coward. I freely chose to be your friend; I freely chose to do what I can to help you with your burdens and I freely chose to accept the pain that I will face if something were to happen to you. Telling you I am your friend but not taking the hard parts of what that means is not freedom, it’s fake, it’s a ruse, and it for sure is not friendship. I know you want me to not worry about you and to not feel bad over things that happen in your life, I know you only want to make me feel good things, but I feel like that is only half of a friendship, maybe less and that’s not me. I can’t do things halfway, I won’t, and I feel very happy to call myself your friend, I wouldn’t be able to call myself that if I only took the good parts of being friends with you and avoided the hard parts-”

“But Raven-”

“No, no buts, you are my friend, I care about you, I want to help you and feeling that way does not make me feel burdened or tired. I’m just happy to have found this connection with someone.”

“You speak true?” Lexa asked, eyes big and light like a child’s. She was amazed, in utter awe of what Raven had just said. The omega could see the disbelief all over her face, the tentative joy that came with it, and wasn’t that just a little sad?

“Of course, I do,” Raven said with a smile, closing her eyes and leaning in, resting her forehead against Lexa’s as she allowed herself to breathe. There was nothing else in between them, just air and music, the soft melody of the piano flowing in their ears as they allowed themselves a moment to just be.

“Thank you, Raven, there is nothing I cherish more than this, us,  _ you _ ,” Lexa whispered, feeling much lighter.

Raven smiled to herself, her eyes closed as she nuzzled her nose against Lexa’s.

“You can’t say things like that.” Raven didn’t see, but a smile stretched across Lexa’s cheeks, the alpha knowing well what came next.

Raven’s arms tightened around Lexa’s shoulders, the palms of her hands gently running over the back of the Commander’s shoulders before one of them reached her nape, her fingers gently caressing the sensitive skin before they buried in soft dark hair, pulling the alpha closer and finally, finally, allowing their lips to meet.

Lexa sighed into the kiss, a shiver running quickly down her spine at the feel of Raven’s warm mouth and soft lips pressed against her own. Raven let out a similar expression, humming low in pleasure at the soft stroke of Lexa’s tongue against her own, the movement languid and gentle, making Raven’s stomach flip. Raven felt her back arch against Lexa’s chest, her toes curling at the sensation of the Commander’s taste on the tip of her tongue. Lexa tilted her head to the side, opening her mouth just a little wider, Raven’s moist breath and her own becoming one as the kiss was deepened. Raven felt the Commander’s fingers catch at her back under the hem of her blouse, hesitating for a few seconds before they trailed up her back, tracing each bump in her spine with only the pads of her digits. The touch was feather-like, somehow electric in its softness, making something deep in Raven’s gut clench so hard it hurt. Her body dissolved into nothing in Lexa’s arms, soft and pliant as the Commander maneuvered them on the bed, leaving Raven flat against the mattress.

The movement caused the earbuds to fall from their ears, the cable caught under Raven’s elbow, which pulled it from the jack, letting the music spill free from the device, much quieter and much less clear as it came from the tiny speakers. The soft notes of the piano filtered in Raven’s ears as Lexa’s hands moved down her body, firm and strong as they gripped Raven’s underwear and pulled, ripping the fabric until her hand was free to roam unrestricted.

During all of this Lexa’s mouth stayed pressed tightly against hers, none of them willing to part, pausing for a few seconds and breathing in using their noses without pulling away. Lexa’s taste was addictive, sensual, luxurious, somehow royal, indescribable and always accompanied by her mouthwatering scent, it was a mix of leather and sandalwood, of rain and fresh grass, of the mint leaves she used to wash her mouth and the lavender oil she used to calm the pain in her shoulder. Kissing her felt like taking a breath of fresh air and the mere thought of stopping made Raven’s chest ache, her lungs refusing to let her go, Lexa’s breath was the only source of oxygen they would take.

Raven tightened one arm around Lexa’s neck, her forearm pressed against the back of the Commander’s neck while her free arm remained buried deep in her hair, fingers gently scratching the alpha’s scalp as the Commander’s fingers pressed tight circles against her clit. Raven’s back arched once more, her legs falling open to the sides as her moans were muffled against Lexa’s lips. Her brows furrowed in pleasure, a hot flush crawling up her neck as beads of sweat bloomed on her skin.

Lexa’s motions didn’t stop, her fingers moving expertly, knowing exactly how to play Raven’s body, where to touch, how to touch, knowing which rhythm she needed to follow and how much pressure she needed to apply. She had learned everything she needed to know about Raven’s body, she had learned how to make the omega produce sounds as heavenly and beautiful as the ones coming from the music that surrounded them.

Soon enough the sensations in Raven’s body started to build into a roaring crescendo, her pleasure climbing fast and loud as she threw her head back, breaking their kiss, her breathing growing fast an erratic with every press of Lexa’s fingers, with each searing kiss the alpha sucked against her neck. Raven felt Lexa’s lips move, her tongue drawing shapes all the way down her throat until Lexa’s mouth latched onto the crook of her shoulder, delivering a stinging bite and a particularly sharp nudge to her clit that ended up sending Raven over the edge, a shout of pleasure drowning the sound of the music briefly before it was gone, leaving only the piano and the strings, Raven’s erratic breathing and the quiet sound of Lexa’s lips as she continued to press soothing kisses on her skin.

“Was that okay? I didn’t ask for permission to touch you like that,” Lexa asked worriedly, cupping Raven’s cheek gently with her hand as she kept her gaze locked with the omega’s.

“That was more than okay,” Raven whispered, turning her head to the side so she could press a soft kiss to the inside of Lexa’s hand. “Please touch me however you like.”

Lexa only smiled in response, leaning down to press a kiss between Raven’s brows.

“May I take your shirt off?” Lexa asked, she was still fully clothed and Raven was still wearing her shirt. 

“So, you make me cum and then you ask me if you can take my shirt off?” Raven arched her eyebrows in amusement, watching as an adorable flush covered the Commander’s cheeks. “Yes Lex, you can take my shirt off," Raven said with a smile, lifting her torso from the bed and putting her arms over her head so Lexa had an easier time pulling the fabric off her body. "Your turn now." Raven sat up, the Commander kneeling over her lap, never letting her weight rest on Raven.

She helped Lexa take her shirt off, discarding the garment and allowing herself a few seconds to regard the alpha's naked torso. Her eyes slid over prominent shoulders and muscular arms, biceps and triceps budging and straining under soft skin, visible without Lexa having to tense her muscles, a vein protruding slightly, making Raven's mouth water. She wasn't overly big or bulky, but her body had more definition, the lines that separated one muscle from the other were more visible, having deepened.

The same thing happened to her abs and hips, Raven could easily count the six-pack, and her mouth suddenly went dry at the prominent v cut of her hips. Raven couldn't wait to see her legs.

"You look stronger than before," she mentioned, trying to remain as casual as possible as her hands roamed freely over Lexa's solid body.

"We have been apart for almost 4 months, I have had time to get my body back in shape after being sick," Lexa said.

"Look, I'm really not complaining, but it really sounds like you have been overdoing it," Raven said, looking up at Lexa with a concerned frown.

"I can't allow my people to think me weak, I have been sick and injured and because of that I need to show them that I'm well and ready to fight for them."

"What about your shoulder though?" Raven asked, her hands moving to Lexa's left shoulder, as she massaged it gently with her hands.

"Please, do not worry," Lexa insisted, leaning forwards and pushing Raven back against the mattress. "Tomorrow is your birthday, I don't want you to worry about anything."

Raven knew that pressing the subject when Lexa didn't want to talk was meaningless, she let out a sigh and smiled up at the alpha on top of her.

"Okay, come kiss me then," Raven said and Lexa smiled leaning down to press her lips against Raven's once more. 

Soon Raven was filled with the same urgency as before, with the almost maddening sensation that came with having Lexa’s lips locked with her own. She kissed her with as much passion as she could, sensually, slowly, caressing Lexa’s neck and chest, trailing her hands down, dipping her fingers in the contour of her abdominal muscles, before cupping the swelling bulge that continually pressed between the apex of her thighs.

“Not yet,” Lexa whispered against her lips, taking Raven’s wandering hand in her own and interlocking their fingers, trapping Raven’s hand against the mattress above her head. Raven whined low in her throat, not having much time to complain when she felt the Commander’s lips separate from her own.

The alpha started moved down then, and just knowing what she was going to do made wetness drip from Raven’s opening.

Lexa took Raven’s other hand and pressed it next to other above her head, holding them both there as her mouth moved down the column of Raven’s neck.

“I do not want you to move, not unless I say so, okay?” the Commander asked in that unusual mix of wording and tone where she made a question sound like an order. It was the most dominant and confident she had been in a really long time and only seeing that made Raven’s gut clench in arousal.

“What will you do if I don’t do what you say?” Raven asked breathlessly, by then Lexa had moved lower still and was dipping her tongue gently over the hollow of her throat, slowly moving lower and lower, her lips only brushing the valley between Raven’s breasts, the soft touch leaving goosebumps in its wake, driving Raven insane with desire. Lexa hadn’t touched her properly yet, she was being very slow and very gentle, and the softness of each touch, the featherlike quality of it was making Raven’s walls clench around nothing, her essence dripping and soaking the sheets under her body. 

“I will push you to the edge over and over again,” Lexa said, punctuating each word with a flick of her tongue around Raven’s nipple, “and then, right before you can fall I will pull back, just like this,” she said, removing her mouth from Raven’s breast. “I will do that until it hurts so much that you will beg me to let you come.”

“Fuck,” Raven whispered under her breath, aching to clench her legs, to get some friction in between her thighs but she had been told not to move.

“Good,” Lexa said, gazing at Raven appreciatively, the omega going still under her hands, her muscles tense and quivering with the need to alleviate the fire in her gut.

Raven thought she was going to lose her mind, in all the times she had been with Lexa the Commander had never taken so long to make her cum, she had never been so gentle and she had never dedicated so much time to touch and kiss every single inch of Raven’s body, Raven never let her, she was all about the climax, about being fucked as hard and as fast as necessary to get there. This was new and Raven didn’t quite know what to make of it.

Lexa kissed her everywhere, her shoulders, her sides, her belly, and her hips, taking her time to leave open mouthed kisses all over freckles, scars and even stretch marks. She was careful to let her fingers wander over the empty spaces between her ribs and mapped carefully the protruding bones at her hips. She dipped her tongue inside her belly button and allowed her hands to caress the inside of Raven’s thighs, massaging tiny circles over the muscle on one leg while her lips kissed the other before she switched, repeating the same process until she met Raven’s knees. 

Raven could only watch as she moved lower and lower, past her calves and towards her feet, giving them the same gentle treatment before moving up. By then Raven’s lips were trembling, her breathing ragged as tears rolled down her temples and got lost in her hair. She thought she had been thoroughly looked after before, cared for before, but she was wrong because no other experience could compare to this, to the compassion and the dedication, to the gentleness… Raven didn’t think she had ever felt as revered and important as she felt then. She didn’t think she knew how being worshipped looked like, how it felt like, not until that moment. Not until she lived it in her own skin.

Lexa finally came up, looking down at Raven with an expression in her eyes that made the omega’s heart race.

“Tomorrow is your birthday, you are the one that is meant to be receiving gifts, but still, I am the lucky one just by having you in my life. It is your birthday but I am the one getting the biggest gift, I’m the one who gets to be there to witness you being alive and well and happy, and that is the greatest gift life has ever given me. It is the only thing that matters, and I need you to know that, okay?” Lexa said, lowering her body until the slope of her nose was pressed gently against the side of Raven’s.

“Okay,” Raven said breathlessly, not knowing what to say, not knowing if she would ever comprehend what Lexa had just told her. “You really can’t say things like that.”

“That’s just what I hoped you would say,” Lexa said with a smile, leaning back to gaze down at the omega.

“Why aren’t you kissing me then?” Raven asked, not daring to move yet.

“Because I plan on kissing you somewhere else,” Lexa said, placing a chaste kiss on Raven’s lips before moving down once more, her hands parting Raven’s thighs as she lowered her head, her lips soon making contact with Raven’s center.

A loud moan fell from Raven’s lips, her hands tightening into fists as she fought to keep her body still, Lexa’s tongue dipping inside her opening and tracing every edge with the very tip before pulling back, licking and sucking every surface while she avoided the hardened nub that rested on top.

Raven became a shivering mess, her eyes clenched shut as every muscle in her body started to quiver. Lexa had had her standing on the edge of climax for what felt like ages, she had stimulated every nerve ending, she had awakened every inch of skin, making Raven aware of places in her body that she barely thought about. She was ready to reach the high, she was touching it with the tip of her fingers, she just needed one little push, one that came a couple of minutes later, when the Commander finally wrapped her lips around her clit.

Raven let out a breathless shout, her hips jumping without her permission, the terror of Lexa stopping making her bones freeze. The reaction only seemed to make the Commander more eager, her tongue flicking harder and faster over the swollen bud. Once more, Raven’s voice rose to the ceiling, growing louder and louder until the Commander gave her clit a sharp suck, triggering Raven’s orgasm. Raven felt as if the Commander had just thrown a match into gasoline tank, heat rushed up and down her body, making her toes curl and her thighs clench, her gut pulsing rapidly as waves of pleasure rushed up to her head, the tiny hairs on the back of her neck standing on end as it arched back, twisting unnaturally at the force of her climax.

Raven came down from her high with her eyes closed and her body limp, feeling the Commander lap gently at her center, helping her through the aftershocks of her orgasm. Raven gently pushed at Lexa’s shoulder, the Commander retreated immediately, crawling up Raven’s body until they were face to face.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked quietly, her eyes moved all over the omega’s flushed face, her lips shining with Raven’s arousal.

“I’m perfect, I’m two orgasms in and you haven’t even taken your pants off,” Raven said with a smile, bringing the Commander down by the neck. The Heda curled her tongue around Raven’s, allowing her to taste herself fully, making her hum in appreciation.

“Your taste is heavenly, I would be happy to spend the rest of the night between your legs,” Lexa whispered, nuzzling her nose against the omega’s as she ran her tongue over her lips, enjoying the taste of Raven in her mouth.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that, but by now your erection must be getting really painful,” Raven said, reaching down to rub the Commander’s cock through her pants.

“I can take care of it later by myself, now I just want to take care of you,” Lexa said, her tone soft and gentle as she ran her fingers gently over Raven’s left forearm, letting her weight rest on her elbows as she interlocked her hand with the omega’s; with the other, she pushed some stray hairs out of Raven’s face.

“We can do both,” Raven said, brushing her thumb over the side of Lexa’s. “I want you inside of me.”

“You are too sensitive, we should wait,” Lexa said, a concerned frown on her brows as she felt Raven’s hand sneak under her pants and wrap around her member.

She was too hard to not be in pain, her shaft already leaking precum and pulsing in Raven’s grasp. Any other alpha would have stuck their dick anywhere to relieve themselves of the uncomfortable sensation, but not Lexa, even as aroused as she was, she would rather wait or take care of it herself before making Raven uncomfortable.

“I want you, Lex,” Raven said honestly, knowing that Lexa wouldn’t give in if Raven didn’t make it about herself. “I want to feel you inside of me, I want you to come inside of me, please.”

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Lexa said, looking down at Raven with earnest green eyes.

“You won’t, we can go slow, okay?” Raven said, watching a million thoughts cross the Commander’s eyes before she finally nodded her head.

“Okay,” the Commander said, standing up to take her pants off before going back to Raven’s arms.

Raven sighed contently as soon as she had the Commander’s warm body pressed against hers, she buried her head on her neck and breathing in, shuddering in content as the scent of alpha filled her lungs.

Lexa gently rolled them onto their sides, supporting Raven’s head with an arm under her neck while keeping her free arm tight around the omega’s back. Raven didn’t wait to wrap one arm around the Commander’s back, throwing one leg over her side and pressing her body flush against the alpha’s. 

After that, it was only a matter of lining up and coming together. The swollen head of Lexa’s cock pushed its way past Raven’s opening, making the omega let out a little gasp at the intrusion. She didn’t think she would ever get used to the way Lexa could fill her.

“Are you okay? I can stop right now,” Lexa said worriedly, looking at Raven as her hips stayed still, refusing to push all the way in.

“I’m perfect,” Raven said with a smile, cupping Lexa’s cheek and tracing her jaw with her thumb, “I’m perfectly okay, I promise.” She pushed her hips forward, forcing the Commander’s thick shaft all the way inside of her in one swift movement.

“Ah…” the Commander groaned low in her throat, letting her forehead fall against Raven’s. The omega smiled to herself, clenching her walls deliberately around the alpha’s cock, content to hear Lexa let out the same sound once more.

“I want you to come inside of me,” Raven whispered, moving her hips back and forth in a gentle swaying motion, feeling the Commander meet all of her movements. “Come for me, please.”

Raven felt the Heda’s hips shiver against her own, her movements falling out of rhythm for a second before they picked up its pace. Lexa trailed her hand down Raven’s bare side, stopping at her behind and tightening her hand around it to pull her closer, caressing her thigh and pulling it further up her side. Raven immediately understood what she was trying to do and hooked her leg around the Commander’s waist, her calf pressed hard against the Commander’s back as the alpha continued thrusting her hips, the resounding slap of her center meeting Raven’s coming faster and harder with every thrust.

Raven braced herself against Lexa’s shoulders, feeling the Heda bury her gorgeous face against the crook of her neck, mouthing the salt on her skin between panting breaths. Raven held her as firmly as she could, her body coiling tight as her nails sunk on the Commander’s soft skin, her walls starting to flutter around the swollen dick in her insides, sucking it in and clenching constantly, barely letting the Heda pull out.

“Come for me Lexa, please!” Raven said, her voice loud in the Commander’s ear as the alpha’s thrusts grew harder and faster still, the impact of her hips against Raven’s body making the omega’s whole body vibrate. Lexa’s hand hiked up Raven’s naked thigh, her hand grabbing a handful of her behind and pulling her forwards, aiding Raven in meeting her movements. 

Soon enough the friction and the pressure became too much for the omega, her walls clenching harder than she thought possible around Lexa’s cock, triggering her orgasm and sending rivulets of cum splashing all over Raven’s inside. The sensation made Raven’s eyes roll to the back of her head, her body was overcome by tremors as waves upon waves of pleasure continued to consume her body. She eventually went limp in Lexa’s arms, her breathing ragged and her heart racing, white spots dancing across her vision.

“You always feel so good,” the Commander mumbled against Raven’s lips, her eyes only opening halfway as she felt her cock start to soften inside the omega. Still, she was reluctant to pull out, Raven’s channel was warm and wet, there was no better place to be.

“I can say the same,” Raven whispered, feeling bone-tired and barely awake as she tucked herself against the Commander’s bare chest.

“I can make you a bath… change the sheets…” Lexa mumbled, though her tone said that she was almost half asleep as well.

“Later,” Raven said, pumping comforting pheromones so the Commander would fall asleep quicker.

Lexa struggled to keep her eyes open, holding Raven securely against her chest, worried about keeping her safe and comfortable.

“Are you okay? Is there anything you need?” Lexa asked and Raven sighed, moving a hand up Lexa’s back to caress her nape. The alpha instantly let out a quiet whine, eyes fluttering shut at the soft touch.

“‘m perfect,” Raven mumbled. “Sleep.”

Before long they were both under, curled up around each other.

…………..

Hours later Raven woke up alone and sore, she groaned in distaste, opening her eyes to see Lexa changing, putting on her clothes for the day as she stood beside Raven’s bed.

“Why are you not in bed and naked right now?” Raven asked, annoyance filling her tone.

Lexa smiled at her, green eyes light and bright as she crouched next to the bed and pressed a soft kiss to Raven’s forehead.

“Because I was making sure everything was ready. Happy Birthday, Raven,” Lexa said and the Mechanic smiled.

“I think you wished me a happy birthday quite a few times already,” the omega said and Lexa blushed slightly. She was about to tease the alpha some more when someone knocked at the door. Lexa stood up to open it, and instead of letting someone inside, she took something from them and walked back in.

“I had breakfast prepared for you,” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes widened slightly.

“God Lex, that’s just too much,” Raven said as she covered her front with the bedsheets and sat up against the head of the bed.

“It’s an important day, you need to eat properly,” Lexa insisted and Raven reached out with her hand to grab some food and put it in her mouth.

“This is really gorgeous, did it come from Polis?” Raven asked as she took a carefully carved wooden flower. 

The Commander scratched the back of her neck, looking slightly nervous.

“Octavia said I should decorate the tray, she said flowers are constantly used, but we don’t have many flowers at this time of the year so I had to make it,” Lexa said and Raven looked up at her with a bright smile and slightly widened eyes.

“You made this?” Raven asked, even if the Commander had already answered that question. Lexa nodded in response and the omega’s smile widened further. “It is really beautiful, thank you.”

“No need,” Lexa said, her lips turning up into a soft smile.

“What is this?” Raven asked as she reached for a small box that was also on the tray, it was elegant, beautiful, carefully made and polished, and it also had Raven’s initials carved on the top.

“A gift, I told you yesterday that I brought you a couple, I wasn’t sure how many I should have brought but Octavia said you are to receive gifts during your birthday, so I brought you a few. This is one of them.”

“Oh, Lexa, you didn’t have to, you already gave me the mp3 player and I am just really happy you came, that is more than enough,” Raven said, and Lexa frowned slightly.

“You will get everything you are supposed to get on your birthday, Raven. It is my intention that you have a wonderful day, as you are supposed to,” Lexa said and the seriousness in her face told the omega that there was no way she would change her mind.

“Okay,” Raven said, opening the box to find a bracelet placed gently on a soft cloth. “This is so cool!” Raven said. The bracelet was made out of bolts, gears and other small machine parts. “How did you come up with this?”

“I know you enjoy working with machines, there are no working machines in Polis, and most of them aren’t small enough for me to transport them, but I thought this could make you think of them. I apologize for it not being as beautiful as you deserve, making jewelry is not my area of expertise,” Lexa said, looking at Raven with her head tilted down in a quiet apology.

“Are you kidding? This is the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, I love it, Lexa!”

“Yes?” The Commander asked, unsure.

“Yes!” Raven said, her heart beating fast, the whole expanse of her chest feeling warm. “Help me put it on,” the omega demanded, and Lexa did as told, running her finger gently over Raven’s wrist and then placing a gentle kiss to the back of her hand.

“There’s one more gift left.”

“More? Lexa, really, you have already given me enough,” Raven said, watching as Lexa moved towards her traveling sac and pulled something out of it.

“Please, Raven, allow me to show you how much I cherish you,” Lexa said, crouching down next to the bed and looking up at Raven with hopeful green eyes. How could Raven ever deny those eyes?

“Okay,” Raven said with a sigh, taking the wrapped gift from Lexa’s hands.

She unwrapped it gently, quickly feeling the leather underneath, watching the perfectly made metal buckles and running her fingers over the raven engraved on the front.

“It’s a leather tool roll, I do not know if you have anything like this, but I hoped it would make your work easier. It is made with the best leather we have,” Lexa said, waiting for Raven to say something.

“It’s amazing, Lexa. Thank you,” Raven said, her eyes getting slightly wet. She moved the tray of food away from her lap and pulled Lexa into a tight hug. “I loved all the gifts, they are amazing, thank you.”

Lexa hugged her gently, hands caressing the bare skin of Raven’s back.

“Are you happy?” The Commander asked as she pulled away, looking up into Raven’s dark eyes. 

“Very happy,” Raven responded at once, her bright eyes and wide smile corroborating her answer. “Come here, share this breakfast with me.”

“It’s for you, I can have something later.”

“I am not taking no for an answer, get here,” Raven said, patting the bed until Lexa relented, sitting next to the omega as they started eating their breakfast.

…………..

Raven did a double-take when she saw Octavia with one of Lexa’s swords hanging from her back.

“What are you doing with Lexa’s sword?” Raven asked. Octavia stood up from where she was sitting and wrapped her arms around Raven.

“Happy Birthday!” Octavia basically shouted, squeezing the omega’s shoulders.

Raven laughed and hugged her friend back.

“Thanks, O.”

“I see the Commander has already pampered you,” Octavia said, regarding Raven’s brand new undershirt and deep red leather jacket. Lexa hadn’t counted them as gifts because they were clothes, Raven told her otherwise but was still forced to accept them. “You look thoroughly fucked and fresh.”

“Shit, O! Say it a little louder, will you?”

“Everyone knows you are fucking, Raven, I went to wake you up this morning and heard banging accompanied by other sounds like-”

“Okay, I get it, no need to finish that sentence,” Raven said and Octavia looked back at her with a teasing smile.

“My point is that everyone that walked by your room this morning knew what was going on in there, maybe not with who, but that’s fairly easy to figure out,” Octavia said and Raven shrugged.

“It’s none of their business,” Raven said. “Now, why do you have Lexa’s sword?”

“Do you know that the Commander, her Nightbloods and personal guard have a special Blacksmith that works only for them and that makes the best weapons in Trikru?” Octavia asked and Raven shook her head, she knew where Lexa got her weapons from, but she didn’t know they were special.

“No, but I know she wouldn’t just give you her swords.”

“She asked me for help with your birthday, I said that I would help her if she gave me her sword,” Octavia said. “I didn’t think she would give it to me because it just isn’t anyone’s sword, it’s the Commander’s sword, but she didn’t think much about it, told me she would give it to me when she came here next.”

“Really?” Raven asked, and something in her stomach fluttered. Octavia nodded with a small smile. “She did mention you had helped her. How did she reach out to you? She told me her radio had been damaged.”

“Yeah, but she reached out before she left Polis, a long while ago. That’s why I knew where she had gone because I had been speaking to her, too.” Octavia said and Raven nodded.

“I am surprised you agreed to help her out.”

“She gave me her sword, Raven. Yes, I can barely lift it properly, but I know I won’t ever have a weapon of this quality,” Octavia said and Raven smiled with an arched eyebrow, giving the Commander’s sword an appreciative look.

“Too heavy for you?”

“Yeah, I don’t know how she does it,” Octavia said, a little bit of awe filtering in her tone.

“You haven’t seen her biceps yet, it is all muscle, she lifts me up like I weigh nothing, it is quite arousing,” Raven said and Octavia’s face twisted into a grimace.

“I did not need to know that.”

“Could have fooled me, you are always bringing up my sex life,” Raven said with a smirk.

“Yes, but I don’t expect you to tease me back, that’s just rude,” Octavia said and Raven laughed, nudging her friend’s shoulder with her own. “Where is she now? Didn’t think she would leave you out of her sight.”

“Talking to Abby, she said it wouldn’t take long. She wants to spend as much time with me as she can because she will leave really early tomorrow,” Raven said, her smile crumbling at the edges.

“You got really sad right there,” Octavia said, curling an arm around Raven’s shoulders.

“Yeah, I just wish we didn’t have to be apart for so long. Every time she leaves, I don’t know when I will see her again,” Raven said and Octavia nodded in understanding. “We talk constantly and it’s great, but it just isn’t the same as seeing her.”

“What stops you from going with her?” Octavia asked and Raven turned to look at her with a frown.

“What?”

“You heard me, why don’t you go with her to Polis? She is stuck there, she doesn’t really have much of a choice, but you do. You could go with her and you have visited her already, so you will know your way around the place,” Octavia said and Raven was left at a loss of words for a couple of seconds.

“My people are right here, Octavia. I wouldn’t leave you guys,” Raven said as if it was obvious.

“We might be your people, Raven, but it is quite clear that she is who you want to be with now,” Octavia said and before Raven could answer anything a gentle hand landed on her shoulder.

“Raven, Octavia,” The Commander said, giving them a court nod in greeting. 

“Heda,” Octavia said, slightly bowing her head before she walked away.

“Did I interrupt?” the Commander said, glancing at Octavia’s retreating form.

“Not at all, we were just talking. Did everything go okay with Abby?”

“Yes, she agreed to lend me the dining hall for your birthday celebration, I thought it would be a good idea to come and ask you who would you want to be in attendance besides your friend Monty, Bellamy, Octavia, Mr. Sinclair and Harper.”

“Wait? What? Birthday celebration?” Raven asked with confusion.

“Yes, Octavia mentioned that everyone should have a party on their birthday and that it must include alcoholic beverages, food, music, and maybe dancing. If the weather was better, I would have prepared a bonfire, but with the cold staying inside is wiser.”

“Octavia is right, parties are typical for birthdays, but I think I would like to do something else,” Raven said and Lexa frowned slightly, her brows pinched together.

“What is it? I will do what I can to make it happen,” Lexa said, and the seriousness in her face only served to make warmth spread all over Raven’s chest.

“I want us to go back to my room, watch a movie, have some food and then I want you to tell me everything you didn’t get to tell me while you were away.”

“That doesn’t sound too enjoyable,” Lexa said, looking concerned. Raven sighed, knowing that getting the alpha to agree would take some convincing.

“It will be enjoyable; it is all I want. Just a cool movie from our archive and talking to you until we both fall asleep; I need to get my fix before you leave. A party would involve a lot of socializing and I am not too into that right now,” Raven said, tilting her head to the side with worried eyes.

“Okay, we will do as you wish,” Lexa said, gently guiding Raven back inside with a hand low on her waist.

……………

Raven watched Lexa try really hard to stay awake, it came to a point where it was excruciating, the alpha’s eyes would fall shut and then she would blink herself awake with a bit of a startle, trying to remember what Raven had been saying a moment before.

Raven tried to tell her that it was okay, that they could go to sleep. She knew that the Commander had been working really hard before coming, that traveling such long distances by horse would wear anyone out and that the Commander had all the right to be exhausted, but she wouldn’t give in.

 A sleepy and bone-tired Lexa was a lovely occurrence, though. She was even more gentle than usual, her smiles came easier, and her eyes, droopy and hazy would look at Raven like she hung the stars in the sky. Her speech changed too, and she would sometimes slip into Trigedasleng without noticing.

“Lex, please,” Raven mumbled as the alpha nodded off for the hundredth time. “Just sleep.”

“Who knows when I will see you again?” The Commander mumbled, pulling the omega closer to her body. It was late, way past midnight and no longer Raven’s birthday, she would have to get up in a few hours to go back to Polis. “There is no time to waste, I will rest in Polis.”

Raven let out a snort, looking at Lexa’s heavy eyes as she tucked a curl of brunette hair behind the alpha’s ear. She couldn’t help but leave her fingers around the tiny thing, running them over its shell and making Lexa sigh in content.

“You never rest in Polis,” Raven said as she started to flood the room with her pheromones, they were sweet and comforting, they would fill the alpha with warmth, and as she continued to trace Lexa’s ear and jaw Raven knew the Commander wouldn’t be able to hold on for long.

“Stop,” Lex said, once her eyes threatened to fall closed. “I know what you are doing.”

“Please, I am tired, too,” Raven lied, she was very awake, she always was when Lexa was around, even more so when she knew the alpha would be gone so soon. “Let’s just sleep,” Raven whispered, cuddling closer to Lexa’s chest.

The Commander let out a low hum, wrapping one arm tighter around the Mechanic’s body and reaching out with the other to pull the sheets up and over their bodies.

Long moments later, long after Raven had assumed the Commander had fallen asleep and she had settled to contently listen to her heartbeat, she felt the Commander’s hand gently caress her back and she felt her head as it leaned down to rest against her own.

“I wish I could choose to stay,” the Commander whispered, thinking the omega was asleep. Raven’s heart raced at the quiet confession. She fought herself as strongly as she could, knowing her answer would only make things harder.

“Me too,” Raven answered, feeling Lexa tense a little in surprise before relaxing.

“Forgive me, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Lexa said, her hand moving up and down Raven’s back.

“You didn’t,” Raven said, running her hands over the Commander’s side, where her shirt had ridden up. “But if you don’t sleep now, I will be even more worried than usual as you travel, I need you sharp and ready in case something happens.”

“Okay, I will try to rest now,” Lexa said and Raven smiled slightly, pressing a soft kiss to the alpha’s chest.

……………………

The next morning was bittersweet, they were both tired, sleep-deprived and sad. They pulled themselves out of bed, knowing that the Commander was awfully late and that she wouldn’t have time for a bath. Still, the woman washed her face and her mouth and came back into Raven’s room to put on her clothes and her armor.

Raven helped as much as she could, trying to stay in contact with the Commander as much as she could before she had to leave, and trying to put a smile on her face, she knew the last thing Lexa needed was to see her sad before she left.

“Did you have a good birthday?”

“I did,” Raven said, a radiant smile on her face, her eyes impossibly soft. “It was the best birthday I have ever had.” 

“I am glad to hear that,” the Commander said. “Please, take care of yourself. Reach out if you need anything.”

“I will, I promise,” Raven said, moving forward to wrap her arms tightly around the alpha’s shoulders. Lexa did the same and held her close, hands firm and strong on Raven’s back. The alpha buried her head on Raven’s neck, breathing in deeply. “You are not authorized to die, or get hurt, are we clear?” Raven said, hugging the alpha harder as she closed her eyes. Lexa let out a short laugh before pulling away.

“I will try my best,” Lexa said, leaning forward to press a kiss to Raven’s forehead before picking up her traveling sac and moving towards the door.

“Lexa! Wait!” Raven said, grabbing the Commander’s arm and bringing her close once again. “Be okay, alright? That’s all I need.”

“I will be okay, I promise. I will check in once we set camp for the night,” Lexa said, pulling away once again, this time leaving a kiss on the omega’s cheek.

“Okay, go. I will be waiting,” Raven said. Lexa nodded and walked out the door, doing her best not to look back, knowing that if she did, she would never leave.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it!
> 
> Let me know what you think in the Comments.


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